(no subject)
Title: You Got Male
Fandom/Pairing: Lost - Charlie/Hurley
Rating: PG
Warnings: hmmmm well it's very nearly crack!fic. Lots of British slang and I haven't Americanised any spellings ;P No beta.
Summary/Notes: This is my response to my assignment from halfdutch's "Hidden Connections" ficathon over at lostficathons. Written for philomel who decided that Charlie & Hurley's Hidden Connection was Cybersex - "Charlie/Hurley = online hook up" and who wanted humour and not too much dialogue. I somehow doubt that this is what you had in mind babe, but I hope you like it anyway!
You Got Male
Charlie sighed as he read the pamphlet again. “Addictive Personality Disorder and You”, great load of sodding help that was. What he’d really been hoping for had been a nice prescription for something in the Valium or Temazepam range or maybe even Methadone, something to take the edge off, or, of course, something he could trade in for another more interesting substance. But no, his doctor had told him there would be no more medication, nothing stronger than a couple of Aspirin and a handful of Kalms before bed, had shaken his hand, congratulated him on making it through yet another withdrawal and pushed him out of the surgery with a leaflet in his hand. Bloody fantastic. Charlie shook his head in disgust; you had to love the NHS, such great after care service.
According to the leaflet his dependence on heroin wasn’t due to low self-esteem, a total lack of self respect or his inability to say no to Liam but, in fact, was the fault of a quirk in his personality. Great, so he really did only have himself to blame then. Charlie sighed again. He was bored, but he couldn’t leave his flat because, that would only lead to going to the pub, which would lead to meeting up with certain of his acquaintances, which would lead to him spending the next few days off his tits in a skag induced stupor. Which, although very tempting right now, was not what he really wanted to do. This time he was going to show all those bastards who had written him off as a washed up junkie loser that he, Charlie Pace - Rock God, could stay clean.
According to the leaflet all he had to do was keep himself busy, get a hobby, something to occupy his mind. Charlie considered his options. Obviously there was music, he could write some new songs and try for a record deal on his own. But then he wrote most of his best songs whilst stoned out of his mind so perhaps that wasn’t the best idea. What else? He could learn to paint. That was artistic; he could express himself through the use of brushes and canvas, become the next Damien Hirst, set the art world alight. Then, spend the next few years going from gallery opening to gallery opening snorting his way through piles of cocaine. Ok so maybe artist was out of the question too. Charlie let his gaze wander over his possessions. There must be something he could do to take his mind off the fact that he was sober as a judge and, not entirely happy with the feeling. His eyes came to rest on his computer. That was it, he would do a bit of a trawl for possible hobbies on the net, he was bound to find something online that would help. Maybe there was a support group for out of work rock stars with a drug habit. Charlie walked over to his pc, sat down in front of it and turned it on.
Two weeks later…
Charlie read through the information on the online medical dictionary again. He really couldn’t decide if the pain in his wrist and hand was the onset of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or just plain old R.S.I. And, did the fact that his neck and shoulders ached like hell mean that is was actually Cervical Spondylosis he was suffering from. He decided to leave a query in the forum on the site, get some advice about the diagnosis and what to do. He’d check back later to see if he got any responses. There had to be other people out there who had the same problem as him, although, who knew it was possible to get R.S.I. from wanking?
It was all that damn porn. Charlie had been pleasantly surprised to discover that the internet was actually nothing more than a conduit to pornography of such great variety that even he, a bona-fide rock star with plenty of groupie based experience, had been amazed by what he found. He was still a little stunned by the sheer amount of kinks that existed in the world of cyberspace. As far as he could tell, it didn’t matter how bizarre a fetish you had, someone, somewhere had set up a website to cater to it. He’d even found a place where people posted stories about him and Liam. Him and Liam together, like that, committing what appeared to be described as “Pacecest.” Charlie was fairly sure that it was all as unreal as the disclaimers said but….. there were a few blank spots in his memory and sometimes, when he looked at pictures of him and Liam together, he did get kind of an odd feeling that maybe they had….. He’d moved away from that site pretty quickly. Some memories were probably best left buried, could make things tricky at family reunions and such.
The sites that Charlie had found most entertaining were the ones that catered for personal ads of an adult nature. Places to meet and greet but without the annoying business of actually having to meet the other person and go through the whole buy them a drink, make witty conversation, get invited back to theirs for “tea” crap before getting down to the good stuff. Sex was so much simpler in the virtual world. He had placed ads on a whole variety of sites under a wide range of guises depending on his mood at the time and had formed a bunch of opinions of the results:
Men gave better virtual blowjobs than women; Charlie figured that was something to do with having the right equipment and knowing what it felt like to be on the receiving end.
Being the sub in an online s/D scenario was dull. There were only so many times a bloke could type “yes Master” before any inclination to indulge in a hand shandy was lost.
The camera really was one of the greatest inventions ever.
After leaving a message at the medical site Charlie decided to check the responses to his latest ad, his hand wasn’t the only thing that was stiff right now and a quick trip to Barclays seemed in order.
108 messages! Clearly his username - Cheekyslut69 - had been a big hit. Charlie started to click on the replies at random:
Greatwhitehunter: - “I’m looking for dedicated young men to perform manoeuvres with…..”
Charlie stopped reading half way through the message, he didn’t know why but something about this guy gave him the creeps.
Southern_Charmer: - “Outlaw looking for a Bonnie to join his Clyde.”
Cheesy. Charlie hit delete.
Huge-y-eros: - “I’ve recently come into a large sum of money and I’m looking for a special someone to share it with….”
Pound signs floated in front of Charlie’s eyes, yeah sure, most people on these sites lied through their teeth but what if this guy really was loaded? Charlie quite liked the idea of having a sugar daddy. Spending other people’s money was a thing he reckoned he would be dead good at. Time to turn on the patented Pace charm. Charlie composed a response and hit send then went back to checking out the other possibilities.
He didn’t get very far, as within seconds, a chat invitation was flashing in the corner of the screen. Charlie grinned to himself, the geezer must be online as well. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth Charlie clicked on “accept”.
Huge-y-eros: Hey
Cheekyslut69: Hi there. So, the name? Is that a boast or are you really a big boy ;)
Huge-y-eros: Dude, I’m a pretty big guy. Is that a problem?
Cheekyslut69: Not at all, I’m a pretty accommodating kind of a bloke.
Huge-y-eros: Oh man, that’s cool, my size kinda puts a lot of people off.
“Bloody hell! Just how big is this guy?” Visions of well endowed porn stars flashed through Charlie’s mind along with the words “Lucky bastard.” But then he remembered that it was highly unlikely that he would ever meet Mr Big in the real world so he flexed his aching hand and set about giving “Huge-y-eros” the best cyber-blowjob he had ever experienced.
30 seconds later….
Huge-y-eros: DUDE!
Charlie grinned to himself; oh he was good, really good. King of the internet in fact.
Cheekyslut69: ;)
Huge-y-eros: I guess you want me to return the favour?
Cheekyslut69: If you would be so kind..
Huge-y-eros: Ok.
Huge-y-eros: I’ve never done this kind of thing before..
Charlie rolled his eyes. Oh great a cybersex virgin. Was the fact that the bloke was allegedly loaded really worth the effort? Only one way to find out…
Cheekyslut69: That’s ok. Just type the first thing that comes into your mind.
Huge-y-eros: What are you wearing?
Cheekyslut69: what would you like me to be wearing?
Huge-y-eros: I dunno, like maybe, stockings, suspenders and a basque.
Cheekyslut69: Kinky! I’m not really into the transvestite thing, but just for you….
Huge-y-eros: Er dude, what do you mean you aren’t into the transvestite thing?
Cheekyslut69: I’m more of a T shirt and jeans kind of a person.
Huge-y-eros: Ok, so you’re one of those mannish kind of chicks. I can dig that.
Cheekyslut69: No. I’m one of those mannish kind of men. You do know this is a gay chatsite don’t you?
Huge-y-eros: Dude! You’re a DUDE???? Oh man, it’s those numbers I swear they’ve ruined my life. I should have known. 69 is 23 times 3. I should have seen it, I should have noticed it was there. I just had sex with a guy!!! Sorry dude but I gotta get out of here.
“Huge-y-eros has left the chat room”
Charlie shrugged his shoulders. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He still had 105 other replies to look through after all.
**********************************
Brit slang translations - get em here!
Fandom/Pairing: Lost - Charlie/Hurley
Rating: PG
Warnings: hmmmm well it's very nearly crack!fic. Lots of British slang and I haven't Americanised any spellings ;P No beta.
Summary/Notes: This is my response to my assignment from halfdutch's "Hidden Connections" ficathon over at lostficathons. Written for philomel who decided that Charlie & Hurley's Hidden Connection was Cybersex - "Charlie/Hurley = online hook up" and who wanted humour and not too much dialogue. I somehow doubt that this is what you had in mind babe, but I hope you like it anyway!
You Got Male
Charlie sighed as he read the pamphlet again. “Addictive Personality Disorder and You”, great load of sodding help that was. What he’d really been hoping for had been a nice prescription for something in the Valium or Temazepam range or maybe even Methadone, something to take the edge off, or, of course, something he could trade in for another more interesting substance. But no, his doctor had told him there would be no more medication, nothing stronger than a couple of Aspirin and a handful of Kalms before bed, had shaken his hand, congratulated him on making it through yet another withdrawal and pushed him out of the surgery with a leaflet in his hand. Bloody fantastic. Charlie shook his head in disgust; you had to love the NHS, such great after care service.
According to the leaflet his dependence on heroin wasn’t due to low self-esteem, a total lack of self respect or his inability to say no to Liam but, in fact, was the fault of a quirk in his personality. Great, so he really did only have himself to blame then. Charlie sighed again. He was bored, but he couldn’t leave his flat because, that would only lead to going to the pub, which would lead to meeting up with certain of his acquaintances, which would lead to him spending the next few days off his tits in a skag induced stupor. Which, although very tempting right now, was not what he really wanted to do. This time he was going to show all those bastards who had written him off as a washed up junkie loser that he, Charlie Pace - Rock God, could stay clean.
According to the leaflet all he had to do was keep himself busy, get a hobby, something to occupy his mind. Charlie considered his options. Obviously there was music, he could write some new songs and try for a record deal on his own. But then he wrote most of his best songs whilst stoned out of his mind so perhaps that wasn’t the best idea. What else? He could learn to paint. That was artistic; he could express himself through the use of brushes and canvas, become the next Damien Hirst, set the art world alight. Then, spend the next few years going from gallery opening to gallery opening snorting his way through piles of cocaine. Ok so maybe artist was out of the question too. Charlie let his gaze wander over his possessions. There must be something he could do to take his mind off the fact that he was sober as a judge and, not entirely happy with the feeling. His eyes came to rest on his computer. That was it, he would do a bit of a trawl for possible hobbies on the net, he was bound to find something online that would help. Maybe there was a support group for out of work rock stars with a drug habit. Charlie walked over to his pc, sat down in front of it and turned it on.
Two weeks later…
Charlie read through the information on the online medical dictionary again. He really couldn’t decide if the pain in his wrist and hand was the onset of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or just plain old R.S.I. And, did the fact that his neck and shoulders ached like hell mean that is was actually Cervical Spondylosis he was suffering from. He decided to leave a query in the forum on the site, get some advice about the diagnosis and what to do. He’d check back later to see if he got any responses. There had to be other people out there who had the same problem as him, although, who knew it was possible to get R.S.I. from wanking?
It was all that damn porn. Charlie had been pleasantly surprised to discover that the internet was actually nothing more than a conduit to pornography of such great variety that even he, a bona-fide rock star with plenty of groupie based experience, had been amazed by what he found. He was still a little stunned by the sheer amount of kinks that existed in the world of cyberspace. As far as he could tell, it didn’t matter how bizarre a fetish you had, someone, somewhere had set up a website to cater to it. He’d even found a place where people posted stories about him and Liam. Him and Liam together, like that, committing what appeared to be described as “Pacecest.” Charlie was fairly sure that it was all as unreal as the disclaimers said but….. there were a few blank spots in his memory and sometimes, when he looked at pictures of him and Liam together, he did get kind of an odd feeling that maybe they had….. He’d moved away from that site pretty quickly. Some memories were probably best left buried, could make things tricky at family reunions and such.
The sites that Charlie had found most entertaining were the ones that catered for personal ads of an adult nature. Places to meet and greet but without the annoying business of actually having to meet the other person and go through the whole buy them a drink, make witty conversation, get invited back to theirs for “tea” crap before getting down to the good stuff. Sex was so much simpler in the virtual world. He had placed ads on a whole variety of sites under a wide range of guises depending on his mood at the time and had formed a bunch of opinions of the results:
Men gave better virtual blowjobs than women; Charlie figured that was something to do with having the right equipment and knowing what it felt like to be on the receiving end.
Being the sub in an online s/D scenario was dull. There were only so many times a bloke could type “yes Master” before any inclination to indulge in a hand shandy was lost.
The camera really was one of the greatest inventions ever.
After leaving a message at the medical site Charlie decided to check the responses to his latest ad, his hand wasn’t the only thing that was stiff right now and a quick trip to Barclays seemed in order.
108 messages! Clearly his username - Cheekyslut69 - had been a big hit. Charlie started to click on the replies at random:
Greatwhitehunter: - “I’m looking for dedicated young men to perform manoeuvres with…..”
Charlie stopped reading half way through the message, he didn’t know why but something about this guy gave him the creeps.
Southern_Charmer: - “Outlaw looking for a Bonnie to join his Clyde.”
Cheesy. Charlie hit delete.
Huge-y-eros: - “I’ve recently come into a large sum of money and I’m looking for a special someone to share it with….”
Pound signs floated in front of Charlie’s eyes, yeah sure, most people on these sites lied through their teeth but what if this guy really was loaded? Charlie quite liked the idea of having a sugar daddy. Spending other people’s money was a thing he reckoned he would be dead good at. Time to turn on the patented Pace charm. Charlie composed a response and hit send then went back to checking out the other possibilities.
He didn’t get very far, as within seconds, a chat invitation was flashing in the corner of the screen. Charlie grinned to himself, the geezer must be online as well. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth Charlie clicked on “accept”.
Huge-y-eros: Hey
Cheekyslut69: Hi there. So, the name? Is that a boast or are you really a big boy ;)
Huge-y-eros: Dude, I’m a pretty big guy. Is that a problem?
Cheekyslut69: Not at all, I’m a pretty accommodating kind of a bloke.
Huge-y-eros: Oh man, that’s cool, my size kinda puts a lot of people off.
“Bloody hell! Just how big is this guy?” Visions of well endowed porn stars flashed through Charlie’s mind along with the words “Lucky bastard.” But then he remembered that it was highly unlikely that he would ever meet Mr Big in the real world so he flexed his aching hand and set about giving “Huge-y-eros” the best cyber-blowjob he had ever experienced.
30 seconds later….
Huge-y-eros: DUDE!
Charlie grinned to himself; oh he was good, really good. King of the internet in fact.
Cheekyslut69: ;)
Huge-y-eros: I guess you want me to return the favour?
Cheekyslut69: If you would be so kind..
Huge-y-eros: Ok.
Huge-y-eros: I’ve never done this kind of thing before..
Charlie rolled his eyes. Oh great a cybersex virgin. Was the fact that the bloke was allegedly loaded really worth the effort? Only one way to find out…
Cheekyslut69: That’s ok. Just type the first thing that comes into your mind.
Huge-y-eros: What are you wearing?
Cheekyslut69: what would you like me to be wearing?
Huge-y-eros: I dunno, like maybe, stockings, suspenders and a basque.
Cheekyslut69: Kinky! I’m not really into the transvestite thing, but just for you….
Huge-y-eros: Er dude, what do you mean you aren’t into the transvestite thing?
Cheekyslut69: I’m more of a T shirt and jeans kind of a person.
Huge-y-eros: Ok, so you’re one of those mannish kind of chicks. I can dig that.
Cheekyslut69: No. I’m one of those mannish kind of men. You do know this is a gay chatsite don’t you?
Huge-y-eros: Dude! You’re a DUDE???? Oh man, it’s those numbers I swear they’ve ruined my life. I should have known. 69 is 23 times 3. I should have seen it, I should have noticed it was there. I just had sex with a guy!!! Sorry dude but I gotta get out of here.
“Huge-y-eros has left the chat room”
Charlie shrugged his shoulders. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He still had 105 other replies to look through after all.
**********************************
Brit slang translations - get em here!