(no subject)
Title: Metanoia
Pairing: Matthew Fox/Josh Holloway
Rating: Light R? PG-13?
Summary: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Disclaimer: Not Real.
Warning: Kinda angsty...
Beta: The inspirational and ever patient philomel. <3
Feedback: is my drug of choice.
Notes: Thank you to halfdutch for your invaluable help in the "research" department and to alliecat8 for your support. And a second thank you to philomel and the wonders of AIM for the last minute touch up. Written for foxxcub as today is her birthday.
Happy Birthday, foxxcub!
Metanoia
When Josh laughs his whole body reacts to the joke. His posture is open, welcoming everyone to share in his joy. Josh throws his head back and roars. He exposes his throat and, on a primal level, himself - leaves himself defenseless to attack because he has no fear. Josh is secure in his skin, in who he is, and he delights in sharing that person with the world. Matt knows that here he is Josh’s opposite - when Matt laughs he folds in on himself, he giggles rather than roars. A quiet, closed-in sort of reaction that others can laugh at but not necessarily laugh with. His eyes become half closed where Josh’s open wide. Matt brings a hand up to protect himself, to hide his mouth from view - he doesn’t know why he does it but he does, it’s part of who he is. And yet when they laugh together, he and Josh, they complement one another, they fit. They lean in to each other for support as Josh’s head falls back and Matt’s dips down, connecting in a way that he hasn’t found with anyone else.
Opposites attract. A cliché to live a life by, or at least that’s what Matt used to think. He used to see life in terms of boy versus girl, two creatures made up of the same building blocks turned into opposites by simple construction. Masculine and feminine, yin and yang made to interlock and fit together, combine to make a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. It all seemed so easy then, boy meets girl and together they become one, a simple concept to fit a simple time. But then he opened his eyes and really stared at the world around him and he saw opposites wherever he looked. Differences written at a cellular level that made the world a richer place but complicated his view until his head was spinning and he no longer knew where he fitted into the scheme of things.
Sometimes when the world makes no sense he reaches for his camera. Tries to capture the moment in front of him so that he can come back to it when he is feeling more secure. He likes to box up the things that shake his world view into tidy squares and rectangles, fix them into frames so that he can stop the ebb and flow of energy from them that threatens to overwhelm him. He likes the look of black and white, likes the way it bleaches the world - removing the color so that the glare doesn’t seem so intense and he can look at it without having to shade his eyes. He shoots pictures off frame so that the viewer is forced to search for the thing that caught his eye, made him take the shot, because that way every person can see something new in the image. But the photographs he takes with Josh in them are different. Josh is centered, the focus of the thing no matter what Matt tries to do to stop it happening. His subconscious spills through and answers the pull that is slowly drawing him in, changing him even when he is not aware.
Josh is standing by the bar pulling all those around him into his atmosphere by just being himself. He is laughing so hard his body is shaking even as he slaps the back of the guy standing beside him - some friend of Dom’s over from L.A. whose name Matt knows but has forgotten - and Matt tries so hard not to be jealous of that touch but he’s fighting a losing battle. It worries him, this feeling that Josh belongs to him and no one else. It’s ridiculous and childlike and he wishes that he could stop seeing the world through the eyes of a lovestruck teen, but no matter what he does it’s there. And getting stronger every day.
"Earth to Matt."
He tears his eyes away from Josh and finds Dom and Evi standing beside his table. Evi looks worried, a frown creasing her forehead as she leans in a little closer and asks him what’s wrong. He is about to speak, to say nothing and hope that it will do but Dom gets there first.
"Go get me a beer, woman. Me and Foxy have guy stuff to discuss."
Matt watches as the two of them have a conversation without words. Evi’s eyebrows raising in annoyance at Dom’s command, then a slight nod of Dom’s head in Josh’s direction and a widening of his eyes turns her look from mock anger back to worry and then, as she nods her own head in understanding, to pity. As she turns and walks away and Dom takes a seat at the table, Matt finds that he’s suddenly angry. He doesn’t want her pity and... fuck, now he’s thinking like Sawyer. It’s not enough that Josh has crawled in and taken root under his skin; Sawyer is there too.
"She’s gonna make me pay big time for that."
Matt just nods his head and goes back to peeling the label from his bottle of beer. He just doesn’t have the energy to deal with Dom tonight.
"That’s a sign of sexual frustration, label peeling."
"Fuck off, Dom. I’m not in the mood."
"Yeah, I can tell."
Matt looks over at Dom and finds that he’s twisted himself around in his chair so that he is looking out at the rest of the bar and not in at him. He follows Dom’s line of sight and sees Josh talking to Evi, their heads in close together as though they are sharing a secret and he realizes that they probably are. He feels the spark of jealousy again and has to look away, looks back at Dom and finds that Dom is looking back, appraising him, seeing through him and digging around inside.
"It’s not so different, you know."
Matt knows what Dom is doing, trying to draw him out, make him talk. He also knows that Dom won’t let him be until he does, so he takes the easy option and gives in.
"What isn’t?"
"Kissing a bloke."
Matt smiles just a little and Dom smiles back, all knowing and just a little smug.
"And so speaks the voice of experience."
"Well I’ve kissed a few in my time so, yeah, I know what I’m talking about. You can practice on me if you want."
Dom puckers up and makes kissy noises and Matt can’t help but laugh at him.
"I thought you were a one woman guy these days."
Dom raises an eyebrow and grins
"One woman yeah. I don’t put any restrictions on blokes."
Dom raises his beer in salute then takes a swig his eyes searching the crowd as he does. Matt sees them fall for just a moment on the friend from L.A. and he wonders just how good a friend of Dom’s the man is. He starts to ask but stops himself before the words are formed as it seems too big a question. Instead he takes a swig of his own beer and pulls the rest of the label off, dropping the pieces one by one onto the table in front of him to form a ruin of the thing they once were. Dom begins to talk again and there’s a seriousness to his voice that demands that Matt listen even though Josh is moving with his loose-limbed swagger in their direction.
"People don’t listen to advice. They ask for it but they never listen when it’s given. I could sit here and tell you what I think but you will only accept the things that you want to hear, the things that fit into the way you feel. So I’m not going to tell you what to do."
Dom turns to look at him at last and Matt feels those eyes burning into him again.
"I’m just going to say: try not to think so hard, you’ll only make it worse."
"What’s Foxy thinking too hard about now?"
Matt hears a percussive slap as Josh’s hand lands on Dom’s shoulder, feels his face break into an involuntary smile as Josh leans over and places a fresh beer in front of him.
"Surfing."
Dom answers for him, standing up as he does, motioning to Josh to take his chair. Matt nods his thanks and watches as Dom turns and walks away, but Dom’s retreat to the bar can’t hold his attention for long as he can feel the gravity of Josh dragging him in, demanding his attention and he is powerless to deny it. His eyes shift to Josh and he breaks into a grin that matches the one on Josh’s face and he feels things click into place, begin to fit and mesh. Point counterpoint. Opposites and parallels merge to make him feel more whole than he has all night. So he takes Dom’s advice and stops thinking and he finds that the world suddenly makes a whole lot more sense.
Josh doesn’t laugh when Matt pulls him into the alley beside the bar. He doesn’t laugh when Matt pushes him up against the wall, nor when Matt puts his hands on either side of Josh’s body and leans forward and kisses him. Josh just leans into the kiss, lips parting when Matt licks across them, a soft moan breaking its way free so that Matt can feel it vibrate into him and he has to moan back in return.
There’s a part of Matt that wishes Josh had laughed, wishes that Josh had pushed him away before throwing his head back and roaring at what he saw as a joke. But above all, Matt is focused on the feel of Josh’s mouth against his, the pressure of his lips, the slide of his tongue, on Josh’s hand which is clutching at his T-shirt, twisting into the material and pulling him in closer, like a mirror of the pull that Matt can feel shivering through his limbs and in the pit of his stomach.
They break apart, panting into each other, gulping down oxygen as though starved. Josh lets his head fall back, exposing his neck, and Matt wants to lean in and run his mouth along the expanse of skin, bite down onto the pulse point he knows is there and feel it flutter under his tongue. He tries to step back, to deny the impulse, but Josh’s hand is still tangled into his clothes and he won’t let him move. Josh shifts suddenly and now it’s Matt with his back pressed hard against the brickwork and Josh’s mouth is on his again. Matt’s hands reach up and tangle into Josh’s hair. Josh’s free hand smoothes its way down Matt’s side until it curves round his hip, thumb hooking into the waistband of Matt’s jeans tugging slightly as if testing the resistance. Matt lets his legs spread apart to form a space that Josh can slot into, runs his hands down Josh’s back and feels a shiver follow in their wake. Pull turns to push as Josh leans into him, holding Matt fast against the wall. Matt’s world tilts on its axis but the spinning stops and he’s anchored by the weight of Josh’s body against his, by the feel of him, by all of the things that make them different and yet the same. A roll of Josh’s hips produces a surge forward from Matt’s, reactions equal and opposite as they synch together, moving in a rhythm as old as time.
Differences dissolving in the shadows as they merge into one.
Pairing: Matthew Fox/Josh Holloway
Rating: Light R? PG-13?
Summary: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Disclaimer: Not Real.
Warning: Kinda angsty...
Beta: The inspirational and ever patient philomel. <3
Feedback: is my drug of choice.
Notes: Thank you to halfdutch for your invaluable help in the "research" department and to alliecat8 for your support. And a second thank you to philomel and the wonders of AIM for the last minute touch up. Written for foxxcub as today is her birthday.
Happy Birthday, foxxcub!
Metanoia
When Josh laughs his whole body reacts to the joke. His posture is open, welcoming everyone to share in his joy. Josh throws his head back and roars. He exposes his throat and, on a primal level, himself - leaves himself defenseless to attack because he has no fear. Josh is secure in his skin, in who he is, and he delights in sharing that person with the world. Matt knows that here he is Josh’s opposite - when Matt laughs he folds in on himself, he giggles rather than roars. A quiet, closed-in sort of reaction that others can laugh at but not necessarily laugh with. His eyes become half closed where Josh’s open wide. Matt brings a hand up to protect himself, to hide his mouth from view - he doesn’t know why he does it but he does, it’s part of who he is. And yet when they laugh together, he and Josh, they complement one another, they fit. They lean in to each other for support as Josh’s head falls back and Matt’s dips down, connecting in a way that he hasn’t found with anyone else.
Opposites attract. A cliché to live a life by, or at least that’s what Matt used to think. He used to see life in terms of boy versus girl, two creatures made up of the same building blocks turned into opposites by simple construction. Masculine and feminine, yin and yang made to interlock and fit together, combine to make a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. It all seemed so easy then, boy meets girl and together they become one, a simple concept to fit a simple time. But then he opened his eyes and really stared at the world around him and he saw opposites wherever he looked. Differences written at a cellular level that made the world a richer place but complicated his view until his head was spinning and he no longer knew where he fitted into the scheme of things.
Sometimes when the world makes no sense he reaches for his camera. Tries to capture the moment in front of him so that he can come back to it when he is feeling more secure. He likes to box up the things that shake his world view into tidy squares and rectangles, fix them into frames so that he can stop the ebb and flow of energy from them that threatens to overwhelm him. He likes the look of black and white, likes the way it bleaches the world - removing the color so that the glare doesn’t seem so intense and he can look at it without having to shade his eyes. He shoots pictures off frame so that the viewer is forced to search for the thing that caught his eye, made him take the shot, because that way every person can see something new in the image. But the photographs he takes with Josh in them are different. Josh is centered, the focus of the thing no matter what Matt tries to do to stop it happening. His subconscious spills through and answers the pull that is slowly drawing him in, changing him even when he is not aware.
Josh is standing by the bar pulling all those around him into his atmosphere by just being himself. He is laughing so hard his body is shaking even as he slaps the back of the guy standing beside him - some friend of Dom’s over from L.A. whose name Matt knows but has forgotten - and Matt tries so hard not to be jealous of that touch but he’s fighting a losing battle. It worries him, this feeling that Josh belongs to him and no one else. It’s ridiculous and childlike and he wishes that he could stop seeing the world through the eyes of a lovestruck teen, but no matter what he does it’s there. And getting stronger every day.
"Earth to Matt."
He tears his eyes away from Josh and finds Dom and Evi standing beside his table. Evi looks worried, a frown creasing her forehead as she leans in a little closer and asks him what’s wrong. He is about to speak, to say nothing and hope that it will do but Dom gets there first.
"Go get me a beer, woman. Me and Foxy have guy stuff to discuss."
Matt watches as the two of them have a conversation without words. Evi’s eyebrows raising in annoyance at Dom’s command, then a slight nod of Dom’s head in Josh’s direction and a widening of his eyes turns her look from mock anger back to worry and then, as she nods her own head in understanding, to pity. As she turns and walks away and Dom takes a seat at the table, Matt finds that he’s suddenly angry. He doesn’t want her pity and... fuck, now he’s thinking like Sawyer. It’s not enough that Josh has crawled in and taken root under his skin; Sawyer is there too.
"She’s gonna make me pay big time for that."
Matt just nods his head and goes back to peeling the label from his bottle of beer. He just doesn’t have the energy to deal with Dom tonight.
"That’s a sign of sexual frustration, label peeling."
"Fuck off, Dom. I’m not in the mood."
"Yeah, I can tell."
Matt looks over at Dom and finds that he’s twisted himself around in his chair so that he is looking out at the rest of the bar and not in at him. He follows Dom’s line of sight and sees Josh talking to Evi, their heads in close together as though they are sharing a secret and he realizes that they probably are. He feels the spark of jealousy again and has to look away, looks back at Dom and finds that Dom is looking back, appraising him, seeing through him and digging around inside.
"It’s not so different, you know."
Matt knows what Dom is doing, trying to draw him out, make him talk. He also knows that Dom won’t let him be until he does, so he takes the easy option and gives in.
"What isn’t?"
"Kissing a bloke."
Matt smiles just a little and Dom smiles back, all knowing and just a little smug.
"And so speaks the voice of experience."
"Well I’ve kissed a few in my time so, yeah, I know what I’m talking about. You can practice on me if you want."
Dom puckers up and makes kissy noises and Matt can’t help but laugh at him.
"I thought you were a one woman guy these days."
Dom raises an eyebrow and grins
"One woman yeah. I don’t put any restrictions on blokes."
Dom raises his beer in salute then takes a swig his eyes searching the crowd as he does. Matt sees them fall for just a moment on the friend from L.A. and he wonders just how good a friend of Dom’s the man is. He starts to ask but stops himself before the words are formed as it seems too big a question. Instead he takes a swig of his own beer and pulls the rest of the label off, dropping the pieces one by one onto the table in front of him to form a ruin of the thing they once were. Dom begins to talk again and there’s a seriousness to his voice that demands that Matt listen even though Josh is moving with his loose-limbed swagger in their direction.
"People don’t listen to advice. They ask for it but they never listen when it’s given. I could sit here and tell you what I think but you will only accept the things that you want to hear, the things that fit into the way you feel. So I’m not going to tell you what to do."
Dom turns to look at him at last and Matt feels those eyes burning into him again.
"I’m just going to say: try not to think so hard, you’ll only make it worse."
"What’s Foxy thinking too hard about now?"
Matt hears a percussive slap as Josh’s hand lands on Dom’s shoulder, feels his face break into an involuntary smile as Josh leans over and places a fresh beer in front of him.
"Surfing."
Dom answers for him, standing up as he does, motioning to Josh to take his chair. Matt nods his thanks and watches as Dom turns and walks away, but Dom’s retreat to the bar can’t hold his attention for long as he can feel the gravity of Josh dragging him in, demanding his attention and he is powerless to deny it. His eyes shift to Josh and he breaks into a grin that matches the one on Josh’s face and he feels things click into place, begin to fit and mesh. Point counterpoint. Opposites and parallels merge to make him feel more whole than he has all night. So he takes Dom’s advice and stops thinking and he finds that the world suddenly makes a whole lot more sense.
Josh doesn’t laugh when Matt pulls him into the alley beside the bar. He doesn’t laugh when Matt pushes him up against the wall, nor when Matt puts his hands on either side of Josh’s body and leans forward and kisses him. Josh just leans into the kiss, lips parting when Matt licks across them, a soft moan breaking its way free so that Matt can feel it vibrate into him and he has to moan back in return.
There’s a part of Matt that wishes Josh had laughed, wishes that Josh had pushed him away before throwing his head back and roaring at what he saw as a joke. But above all, Matt is focused on the feel of Josh’s mouth against his, the pressure of his lips, the slide of his tongue, on Josh’s hand which is clutching at his T-shirt, twisting into the material and pulling him in closer, like a mirror of the pull that Matt can feel shivering through his limbs and in the pit of his stomach.
They break apart, panting into each other, gulping down oxygen as though starved. Josh lets his head fall back, exposing his neck, and Matt wants to lean in and run his mouth along the expanse of skin, bite down onto the pulse point he knows is there and feel it flutter under his tongue. He tries to step back, to deny the impulse, but Josh’s hand is still tangled into his clothes and he won’t let him move. Josh shifts suddenly and now it’s Matt with his back pressed hard against the brickwork and Josh’s mouth is on his again. Matt’s hands reach up and tangle into Josh’s hair. Josh’s free hand smoothes its way down Matt’s side until it curves round his hip, thumb hooking into the waistband of Matt’s jeans tugging slightly as if testing the resistance. Matt lets his legs spread apart to form a space that Josh can slot into, runs his hands down Josh’s back and feels a shiver follow in their wake. Pull turns to push as Josh leans into him, holding Matt fast against the wall. Matt’s world tilts on its axis but the spinning stops and he’s anchored by the weight of Josh’s body against his, by the feel of him, by all of the things that make them different and yet the same. A roll of Josh’s hips produces a surge forward from Matt’s, reactions equal and opposite as they synch together, moving in a rhythm as old as time.
Differences dissolving in the shadows as they merge into one.