2010
I feel like I learned a lot this year.
I always feel like I'm learning things. I'm never one hundred percent sure of anything. That's one thing I have learned about myself. I have little faith because I have been hurt far too many times in my life. I find that faith is a painful thing. I don't think I could subscribe to a religion if I tried, but sometimes, I wish I could. Sometimes, I wish I could put my faith into something and have some concrete notion of what will happen to me after I die, why exactly I was put here at all. I still don't trust anyone, and I don't know if I ever fully will. It's hard for me, but at least I'm not pretending. It seems odd that I can be so loving without being trusting.
My home, for now, is Orlando. I feel incredibly homesick when I'm not there, and homesickness is not a feeling I've ever honestly had before. It's a very strange feeling, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm glad to have friends in Clearwater. Otherwise, I would have completely lost my mind after only being here a little over a week. Tomorrow is my father's birthday. If it wasn't, I would have left a couple of days after Christmas. Not that I have control of that, since I still don't have a car.
I know why I want a car. I want to have control of when I can go places, and I want to be able to go places on my own. I want to be able to go to the gym on campus when I want to, as opposed to when random friends of mine want to. I want to be able to go somewhere outside of walking distance without following a route. I want to be able to take time off and drive without having a specific destination. That simply isn't safe to do while walking or riding a bus.
I learned that I can love someone, no matter what, or who, they have done. I have always been this way, even at my most spiteful. Fortunately, I have been able to let go of most of my anger. I am not a spiteful person anymore. I would not have to try too hard if I decided I wanted to be the person I used to be, but sometimes I feel like I'm putting a little too much effort into making myself into the person I am now. It's much easier to be depressed than it is to be happy. Being happy means not giving up and not giving in.
There is more to me than I ever realized. I am an interesting person, no matter how I look at it. I am bound to do something extraordinary, and it's possible that I already have. I have done things for the anime club I am running that no one has ever done before. I'm doing things with that anime club that no one has even thought of doing before. It takes up a great deal of my time, about as much as the 15+ credit hours I have been taking every semester. I'm hoping someone qualified runs for president this year, so I can have a little less to worry about during my senior year of college. I still can't believe I'm halfway through my junior year of college, 21, and still so into this anime club stuff. I had this crazy thought that that would all end after high school. It's a much different feeling to be the president of an anime club at a school of 50,000+ than it was at a school of 2,500. The membership has tripled since I became president, and we're one of the most active clubs on campus.
I still fully intend to be a journalist, but now I feel like I won't be happy unless I someday run my own publication. I would like to run a hybrid magazine and online publication. That would be ideal. If it ends up being just online, however, I would be okay with that. I would just prefer to be able to run exclusive content in a magazine and, of course, give people something tangible to work with. For now, however, I just have to worry about getting an internship, preferably one that's either paid or exactly what I'm looking for.
I met some very interesting people this year. I did some very interesting things this year. Losing my Bright Futures aside, this year was pretty excellent.
Happy New Year, everyone!
I always feel like I'm learning things. I'm never one hundred percent sure of anything. That's one thing I have learned about myself. I have little faith because I have been hurt far too many times in my life. I find that faith is a painful thing. I don't think I could subscribe to a religion if I tried, but sometimes, I wish I could. Sometimes, I wish I could put my faith into something and have some concrete notion of what will happen to me after I die, why exactly I was put here at all. I still don't trust anyone, and I don't know if I ever fully will. It's hard for me, but at least I'm not pretending. It seems odd that I can be so loving without being trusting.
My home, for now, is Orlando. I feel incredibly homesick when I'm not there, and homesickness is not a feeling I've ever honestly had before. It's a very strange feeling, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm glad to have friends in Clearwater. Otherwise, I would have completely lost my mind after only being here a little over a week. Tomorrow is my father's birthday. If it wasn't, I would have left a couple of days after Christmas. Not that I have control of that, since I still don't have a car.
I know why I want a car. I want to have control of when I can go places, and I want to be able to go places on my own. I want to be able to go to the gym on campus when I want to, as opposed to when random friends of mine want to. I want to be able to go somewhere outside of walking distance without following a route. I want to be able to take time off and drive without having a specific destination. That simply isn't safe to do while walking or riding a bus.
I learned that I can love someone, no matter what, or who, they have done. I have always been this way, even at my most spiteful. Fortunately, I have been able to let go of most of my anger. I am not a spiteful person anymore. I would not have to try too hard if I decided I wanted to be the person I used to be, but sometimes I feel like I'm putting a little too much effort into making myself into the person I am now. It's much easier to be depressed than it is to be happy. Being happy means not giving up and not giving in.
There is more to me than I ever realized. I am an interesting person, no matter how I look at it. I am bound to do something extraordinary, and it's possible that I already have. I have done things for the anime club I am running that no one has ever done before. I'm doing things with that anime club that no one has even thought of doing before. It takes up a great deal of my time, about as much as the 15+ credit hours I have been taking every semester. I'm hoping someone qualified runs for president this year, so I can have a little less to worry about during my senior year of college. I still can't believe I'm halfway through my junior year of college, 21, and still so into this anime club stuff. I had this crazy thought that that would all end after high school. It's a much different feeling to be the president of an anime club at a school of 50,000+ than it was at a school of 2,500. The membership has tripled since I became president, and we're one of the most active clubs on campus.
I still fully intend to be a journalist, but now I feel like I won't be happy unless I someday run my own publication. I would like to run a hybrid magazine and online publication. That would be ideal. If it ends up being just online, however, I would be okay with that. I would just prefer to be able to run exclusive content in a magazine and, of course, give people something tangible to work with. For now, however, I just have to worry about getting an internship, preferably one that's either paid or exactly what I'm looking for.
I met some very interesting people this year. I did some very interesting things this year. Losing my Bright Futures aside, this year was pretty excellent.
Happy New Year, everyone!