never talk in dreams [part 2/2]
title: never talk in dreams [part 2/2]
pairing: Jaehyo/Zico
warning: voyeurism
part 1
It's less than a week later that Jaeyho decides to sleep over.
It's very obviously a Decision, as Jaehyo calls ahead of time (which he never does), drags Jiho out for dinner (Jiho still in pajamas because it is 11PM and he is not hungry, thank you very much but he is weak to Jaehyo's hands and follows behind him regardless) and spends the entire time trying to talk through Jiho's ear, mostly with stories Jiho has swear he's heard a million times before (this isn't unusual, but it's obvious that Jaehyo is much more aware of the tension than usual, which, typically, just makes it worse).
On the way back to Jiho's apartment, Jaehyo very abruptly shuts up, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He speeds a little ahead of Jiho and Jiho lets him, a slow, sinking fear growing in his stomach that makes him wonder if Jaehyo really wants to do this.
There's no real way to know, and the thought cuts at him no matter how he tries to ignore it. Compared to the litany of words before, the silence is almost oppressive.
At the apartment door Jaehyo stops, bouncing a little on his feet as Jiho comes up to him.
"Are you okay?" Jiho asks, and underneath the question linger the words are you sure you want to?
Jaehyo drags his gaze away from the door and flicks it quickly over Jiho's face. He smiles then, soft and just the slightest bit nervous. He swallows, says, "Yeah," in a low voice that sends a curl of arousal through Jiho's stomach.
Once inside, Jiho darts to the bathroom immediately, quickly brushing his teeth and washing his face like it's any other night and he's not about to come out and jerk off and more? Will there be more? with his hyung and bandmember.
He stares at his bare face in the mirror, wishing his reflection could knock him straight again, give him the skills he used to have to deflect awkward situations. But he just stares straight back, cheeks pinked and every little imperfection obvious in the harsh overhead light.
It's really always been Jaehyo who's made things less awkward, who's absorbed everyone else's uncertainty and thrown himself into his latent weirdness so they could forget anything else.
"Just trust him," Jiho whispers to his reflection, but it does little to alleviate the imbalance between his arousal and the sick feeling that they're going to mess something up.
When he comes back into his bedroom, Jaehyo is sitting on his bed, though he springs to his feet the moment Jiho appears.
"I'm just gonna-" Jaehyo says, pointing to the bathroom before all but running towards it.
Jiho sits on his bed, first at the edge, and then scooting towards the wall and crossing his legs in front of him. Should he lie down? Is Jaehyo going to get in bed with him? He picks at his sweatpants with a sudden thought. Should I get naked already? He frowns.
Agitation pulls at his skin, but so does sleep, so he shuffles around until he's lying on the bed, sheet pulled up over his thighs. It seems too presumptuous to take off any clothes, but he doesn't know what to do.
He lies there, listening to the far-off sounds of Jaehyo's movements in the bathroom. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he should call it all off- but the thought of Jaehyo's face after he had come, eyes dark and face flushed, and the smell of his skin caught in the air of Jiho's apartment that sometimes he had caught it days later- all of those keep him still in bed, watching the bathroom door.
Finally, the door opens and Jaehyo appears. Jiho thinks he'll say something, but instead he just flicks off the light and the apartment recedes into sudden darkness. Jiho blinks hard, confused.
Jaehyo shuffles across the wooden floor and completely ignores the empty space Jiho has left on the bed. Instead, his hyung just lies down where he always sleeps, pulling the pillow and sheet out from underneath Jiho's bed and settling down.
Jiho rolls slightly, until he is closer to the middle of the bed and can see Jaehyo more clearly. What is he doing?
It seems like every other night, Jaehyo curled up on the floor and sheet over his shoulders. His eyes are closed and he seems to be making every effort to fall asleep.
Disappointment kicks Jiho harder than he thought it would, right in the throat. With an absent hand he reaches up and scratches hard across his forehead, until the prickling in his eyes stops and he can take a breath without feeling like it's about to precipitate tears.
Well, now he's gone done and messed everything up. He must have read it wrong. Totally, completely wrong. Resigned and heavy with a disproportionate sadness in his chest, he rolls onto his back and closes his eyes.
It should be hard to relax, but sleep seems immediate instead.
-
A light hand on his wrist wakes him, and he shifts around, disoriented by the predawn light cutting in through the windows. He's groggy and doesn't realize why he's awoken until the fingers press into his wrist a little harder, a reminder.
He groans and rolls onto his side to see Jaehyo turned towards him on the floor, one arm stretched out and hand grasping Jiho's wrist. And the other- Jiho's eyes dart down his body, searching out familiarity diffused in soft grey shadows.
His breath catches in his throat at the sight of Jaehyo's barely-hard cock, with long fingers curled around the base. He's not sure if it's the relief that he hasn't messed everything up or the sight alone that makes him immediately slide a hand down his own pants, following the dip of heat in his belly.
Jaehyo lets out a little huff, and Jiho looks up, expecting maybe disgust, but a smile curls at the edges of Jaehyo's lips. A jolt goes through him at the look, joining the arousal twisting low in his stomach. He wants to kiss it, but presses his lips together tightly for a moment instead.
They lie like that for a while, Jaehyo slowly stroking his cock and Jiho mirroring the movements. The only sound in the room is their soft exhalations and the slight shifts of fabric against skin. There's nothing keeping them quiet this time but the dim light and the sleepy atmosphere of the early morning.
It's relaxing in an odd way, excitement from earlier curled up under his skin. The quiet makes him feel like they're sharing a secret, until the strokes over sensitive skin respond with a slight twitch of his hips or a groan caught in the back of his throat. They watch each other intently, eyes slipping up and down each others bodies in places of their hands or lips. It shouldn't be so arousing, just watching each other get off, but somehow seeing the way Jaehyo's lower stomach muscles clench and go soft, watching how his hand tightens over the dark pink of the head of his cock, even that is more than enough. The slow pace does little to stop the slow burn of arousal, and soon he's rocking into his hand, body aching for something more, more touch, more sounds, and less at the same time, if it will make the ache underneath his skin draw to a stop.
Jaehyo must be somewhere similar because his hand slips from Jiho's wrist and joins his other hand low between his thighs. The ache tightens under Jiho's skin as if he misses the slight touch, and he pulls more quickly at his length, searching for that familiar bone-deep pull of climax. But as Jaehyo twists on the floor, hips jerking unevenly and ropes of cum arc onto his stomach, he can't find it.
Jaehyo breathes in and out deeply, thin chest heaving and hands stroking lazily through the aftershocks, his eyes closed for the first time. Jiho watches him, thighs twisting, and even as sweat breaks out over his nape, he can't make himself come.
Jaehyo opens his eyes and looks dazedly over at him, brow furrowing at the desperate look that must be on Jiho's face.
He has to break the silence.
"Hyung," he whines, oddly desperate. Help me.
Jaehyo seems to understand and a moment later he's raising his hand again, wrapping it tightly around Jiho's wrist. He pulls, just slightly, but the command is clear, and Jiho has always been weak to his hands.
Jiho doesn't know how he has the ability to stand, but somehow he slides over the edge of the bed and collapses next to Jaehyo. The floor is too cold against his overheated skin, but a moment later Jaehyo is pressing his body length up against Jiho and even the slight warmth of him, the softness of his cotton sleep shirt, seems like too much at once. Everything he wants is pressed up against him, slipping one thigh between Jiho's until he can't stop the groan he lets out.
Jaehyo looks up at him, dark eyes huge for once.
"Hey," he whispers, and Jiho tries not to tremble against him but the ache has grown so strong it's begun to hurt, prickling at his skin. "Trust hyung, okay?"
Jiho can't speak, so he gives a shaky nod. Jaehyo smiles just slightly and slips his hand around Jiho's length. Jiho is so close already and Jaehyo barely has to pull, those soft fingers against his oversensitive length, before he's jerking up against Jaehyo, his thighs tightening.
Oh god, and it feels amazing, just that slight touch. Jiho buries his face into the soft, hot crook of Jaehyo's neck. The musky scent of his skin is strong and Jiho can't help himself from sliding his lips along the curve of Jaehyo's neck, tongue flicking out to taste him. Jaehyo jerks, slightly, his hand tightening around Jiho, but doesn't pull away.
Jiho moans, open mouthed, a moment later, when Jaehyo slides his other hand underneath Jiho's cock to massage his balls. It's way too much, heat gathering quickly between their bodies and arousal tightening up his spine until he writhes against Jaehyo.
He wants to kiss Jaehyo, now while they're pressed up against each other and Jaehyo's skin is soft against his, but his orgasm crashes through him so abruptly he can't make himself move. He should be embarrassed, he thinks, the way he helplessly ruts into Jaehyo's hands, but he can only clutch onto Jaehyo's shoulders tightly as his entire focus narrows down to his cock and then the arousal that spirals out through his whole body. His cries are silenced by the curve of Jaehyo's shoulder, the smell of him sharp in his nose.
When his breaths calm back down and contentment dampens down his body, he opens his eyes to realize Jaehyo is holding him close. The hands on his hips draw little circles across the sensitive skin and Jaehyo is whispering something so quietly Jiho can't hear him through the buzzing in his ears.
Jiho feels dizzy and tired, his limbs not responding as well as he wants as he tries to burrow further into Jaehyo.
Jaehyo lets out a little humph of air as Jiho nearly shoves him flat on his back, something between a laugh and exasperation.
"Hey," Jiho mumbles, sure his voice is barely discernible but not caring. Their bodies are sticking to each other oddly, the cum on their stomachs starting to cool and become tacky. This might be too big of a leap but- "Let's just sleep like this," he mutters, and Jaehyo does that little laugh again.
"If you're going to sleep on me, can we do it on the bed at least?" Jaehyo asks, voice right in Jiho's ear. He's so oversensitive even that is enough to make Jiho shudder. It's only a moment later that he registers the response.
Jaehyo has to help him sit up, and he crawls onto the bed and collapses onto his side. This time, Jaehyo comes up with him, curling up with him. Jiho feels a smile pull at his lips, but he's so sleepy he can barely concentrate on Jaehyo wiping down his stomach with some tissues before he falls straight asleep, the feel of Jaehyo's hands on his skin following him into sleep.
-
When he wakes, it's barely an hour later. The light is stronger now, almost golden as it spreads over the floor and over the top of Jaehyo's head. Heat curls through his chest at the sight of his hyung sleeping next to him, shirt slipping from his shoulders and pale slopes of his neck so close Jiho could lean forward and brush his lips there if he wants.
Maybe I'll just- Jiho thinks, still sleepy, as he tilts his head down and kisses just at the rise of Jaehyo's neck. The skin is soft and hot with sleep and Jaehyo barely moves in acknowledgment. With a hum of contentment, Jiho shuffles his body up behind Jaehyo's and drops his arm softly around his waist.
Jaehyo jerks a little, like he's been disturbed, but just rolls into the touch, body relaxing. Jiho wishes he knew what was really going on between them so he could know if he was allowed to just kiss him again, but even this is enough for now. He lets the warmth of Jaehyo's body lull him back into rest, their breaths matching up in the press of Jiho's chest against his back.
He's moments away from dropping back into sleep when Jaehyo suddenly moves, hand sliding over Jiho's. The touch is so careful, it seems paradoxical when Jaehyo lifts the hand from around his waist and slips off the bed, footsteps creaking on the wooden floor. Jaehyo places Jiho's hand back on the bed and Jiho has to resist the urge to shift or open his eyes.
Something tears in his chest, just slightly, at the rejection. Maybe he just has to use the toilet, he reminds himself, but even when Jaehyo comes back out from the bathroom, he doesn't join Jiho on the bed again. He shuffles around the room, doing something Jiho can't identify through sound alone.
Whatever contentment Jiho had been enjoying earlier has dissipated completely, leaving him oddly sore and heart beating painfully in his throat. It's so obvious now that whatever Jaehyo had been doing before was just as a favor to him, some weird version of hyung duties he's tailored specifically for Jiho.
He can tell that Jaehyo comes to stand in front of him for a long moment, just his slight shadow over falling over Jiho's face, but he doesn't say anything.
And then there are gentle fingers over his forehead, brushing back the hair. Jiho's heart trembles in his throat and he wants to open his eyes, wants to smile at Jaehyo and coax him back into bed. But if he's already made Jaehyo do this much, he doesn't want to make him do more, so he keeps his eyes shut until Jaehyo quietly closes the front door of the apartment behind him.
-
Jiho thinks that's the end of it, just that one time, but it never works out that way. Less than a week later, Kyung, Jihoon and Jaehyo meet up and Kyung calls him to come out.
Maybe he wouldn't have come if he knew Jaehyo was going to be there, but they're a band and will have to work and sleep and live together for months, hopefully years, after this, so it's better to just get the awkwardness over with.
What he doesn't expect is, when they're splitting up at the end of the night, for Jaehyo to attach himself to Jiho's arm and say he's going to sleep over at his place. He's stunned, but doesn't protest, his heart skipping its way up his throat.
They don't talk about it on the way home, Jaehyo just telling him little stories only to fall silent when they're almost back to Jiho's apartment.
The routine is almost exactly like last time, except when Jaehyo comes out of the bathroom and flicks off the lights, he makes his way over to Jiho's bed instead.
Jiho holds his breath as the bed creaks under the added weight, doesn't move when Jaehyo pulls the sheets over his hips. He's curled up facing Jiho, but Jiho doesn't open his eyes until Jaehyo puts a hand on his cheek. Jaehyo's thumb brushes over the rise of his cheek and he hates how kind Jaehyo can be.
"Hey," Jaehyo whispers, and Jiho tries to work out his facial features in the darkness. It's so hard to know what he's thinking and he hates playing it this way.
But at the same time he can't deny Jaehyo's hands on him, the addicting heat and curl of arousal through him, and he forgets whatever protest he wants to make. It doesn't matter that his heart is heavy throughout it all, softening down his cries and moans, it doesn't matter that when he arches up and tries to kiss Jaehyo's lips that his hyung jerks back from the touch like Jiho's going to bite him.
It doesn't matter, don't think about it, it doesn't matter, Jiho reminds himself as Jaehyo pulls him through his climax, Jiho's hands curled in the front of Jaehyo's shirt because it's the only safe place he thinks he can touch. He lets the pleasure blind him for a long moment, holding his breath in his burning chest to draw it longer until he can imagine Jaehyo whispering how good he is, how hot, yes, Jiho, please, and block out the sudden intake of breath as Jiho had leaned over his lips.
And then Jaehyo is untangling his hand and guiding it down his body. Jiho likes the way Jaehyo comes so undone under Jiho's hands, how he shudders and curls further into Jiho with his hot breaths over his collarbones. And when Jaehyo comes in his hand, hips jerking helplessly and head digging into Jiho's chest, Jiho bites his lip hard to try to stop the surge of affection that shoots through him. It's so easy to imagine Jaehyo really wanting this, that it's only because it's Jiho that he comes apart like this.
But the words don't help, and Jiho feels odd and off-kilter as Jaehyo cleans them up again and rolls onto his side, away from Jiho.
He shouldn't do it, but he wraps himself around Jaehyo again, this time sliding his hand underneath Jaehyo's shirt until he can rest his fingers against Jaehyo's soft stomach. Jaehyo twitches, almost pulling away, but Jiho presses his palm flat and fits his body behind Jaehyo, hoping.
Incrementally, Jaehyo relaxes back against him, breaths lengthening as he calms back down. Just as Jiho begins to fall asleep as well, one hand presses over Jiho's and intwines their fingers.
Jiho's heart leaps in his throat, and he tamps down on it. He's just doing it to be a good hyung, he reminds himself, letting the weight settle his heart back into his chest.
Maybe in the morning he'll leave before Jiho wakes up, and that's okay. It'll be okay, Jiho tells himself, though the heaviness in his chest keeps him awake for a long time after that.
-
It becomes a thing between them, though Jiho never intended it to. Jaehyo sleeps over in his bed, but in the morning always slips out before Jiho wakes up. They don't talk about it outside that time, don't exchange sweet murmurs in the night, and don't kiss. After getting rejected the first time, Jiho doesn't try again.
He thinks it'll get easier the longer it goes on, but sometimes even he makes mistakes. He thinks he'll want less the more he gets, but the ache around his heart only deepens and Jaehyo's hands can't soothe the pain away. Every time they meet up, he tells himself that this is the last time he'll let Jaehyo do this to him, that he'll only take this one last instance of his hyung's kindness and then let him go, but Jaehyo's soft fingers over his forehead in the morning always makes his heart tighten in hope, because perhaps, he thinks, perhaps.
Hope is strangling him and he can't let it go.
It's almost two months later that Jiho gets called out by Kyung for a night out. It's nice, relaxing in a weird way, because he doesn't really like drinking, but a bunch of their mutual friends are out with them and they always seem to make Jiho laugh.
Kyung is already quite drunk by the time he leans in close to Jiho and says, "So, did you know?"
Jiho frowns at him, pushing his beer-scented face away. "You smell. Know what?"
Kyung flops back against the booth and smirks, lifting his beer glass for another sip. Jiho kind of hates it when Kyung knows something he doesn't, since he's such a little shit about giving information.
"Did you know that Jaehyo-hyung has a girlfriend?" Kyung sing-songs the last word before bursting into laughter at the look that must be frozen across Jiho's face.
Jiho isn't sure how it's possible, but he's sure he's just been punched in the stomach. His breath squeezes in through a tiny passage in his airway, and there's the distinct sensation of falling though he's completely steady on the bench.
"What?" he asks, surprised when his voice comes out almost normally.
Kyung is still laughing a fit. "You look like someone shit on you, Jiho-yah, what the fuck is wrong with your face?" He reaches out with one condensation-cool hand and presses at Jiho's cheek, trying to lift one edge of his mouth into a smile.
Jiho can hardly feel him. "A girlfriend?" The word rings through his head. "How do you know?"
"I saw him! With this girl. And he was like, 'no-o, just my friend,' but-" Kyung finally lets go of Jiho's face to wave his hand in the air, "you know." He raises his eyebrows in quick succession, smirk spread across his lips. "You know."
Jiho is far too sober for this, and feeling like the world is sliding off its axis. He never thought it was physically possible to sober up in less than a minute, but the adrenaline pumping through his system seems to disagree.
He never thought what he had with Jaehyo was exclusive, only now that he actually considers it, maybe he did. Maybe he just never thought of Jaehyo-hyung, the kind of guy to fall in love in three days and get his girlfriend's initials tattooed on his wrist at less than 6 months together, as someone who could date multiple people at once.
/We're not exactly dating,/ he reminds himself, though the thought only makes heat prickle across his nape like the beginnings of a fever. His stomach stirs with unease and he tightens his fingers around the cool glass, wishing he were anywhere but in this stuffy bar, the air thick with cigarette smoke and the raucous laughter of his friends. It's suddenly too much, too many people, too many sounds and smells and he can barely breathe.
He stands, feeling dizzy the moment he does. Kyung is looking up at him, mildly concerned but still with laughter at the corners of his lips. Their other friends slowly turn to him, falling silent in their conversation, though the bar still roars with multiple other rowdy groups.
Jiho doesn't know what to do, what to say. He waves uselessly behind him, feeling himself tip on his heels and back to his toes. "Bathroom," he mumbles. His friends laugh, thinking he's so drunk he can barely formulate sentences.
Jiho turns and stumbles his way down the stairs of the bar to the sidewalk, where he falls into a crouch. He thinks he might be sick, his stomach roiling in protest of everything, the alcohol, his thoughts, the way his heart is trying to beat its way through his chest.
Somehow he finds his phone in his hands instead, and he's pulled up the number before he can think. Yes, just do it, he thinks before pressing dial.
It only rings a couple of times before Jaehyo's sleepy voice comes through the line. "Hey?"
Jiho closes his eyes, feeling dizzy again. "Hey," he responds, trying to think of what to say. Is Jaehyo with her now? A long moment passes, Jaehyo just breathing softly on the other end as he waits. "Can you-" he takes a breath, reorienting himself, "are you free right now?"
Jaehyo mumbles for a moment, rustling sounds in the background the only thing Jiho can hear before his voice comes back, clearer than before. "Hmm? Yeah, I'm free. What's up?"
"Can you come over? Tonight?" Jiho doesn't know what he's asking for, but whatever it is he can't do it over the phone.
Jaehyo's breath hitches on the other end, and there's a long, painful pause. Jiho's thoughts spin wildly in his head. If Jaehyo says no, now- Jiho isn't sure he'll have the guts to ask again. Finally, Jaehyo lets out a staticky sigh and says in a low voice, "Okay."
It's as if an anchor has been released from Jiho's heart, and he feels light and adrift without it. "Now?" he asks, voice high and almost pleading.
"Okay," Jaehyo repeats, as if to himself. "I'll come over now."
-
By the time Jiho makes it back to his apartment, Jaehyo is waiting there, hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants. He looks like he's wearing his pajamas, the shirt underneath his puffy jacket one of his old ratty Abercrombie & Fitch ones, and it strikes Jiho that he might have been asleep when Jiho called and rushed over here without changing. Jiho's heart squeezes hard in his chest at the thought.
His hand raises in greeting as Jiho comes closer, but there must be something telling on Jiho's face, because Jaehyo steps up to him and touches Jiho on the cheek, looking concerned. Even the small touch sends heat skittering over Jiho's skin, stopping him in place.
Oh, it's so much worse than he thought.
Jaehyo's dark eyes seem huge and kind in the hallway light, but then his eyebrows bow towards each other and his hand drops from Jiho's cheek. "Are you drunk?" he asks, his voice odd. He sounds almost disappointed, and it kicks at Jiho's heart.
"No," Jiho says, wanting to reach out and take Jaehyo's hand but afraid he might pull away. He searches over Jaehyo's features, trying to discern the truth of what Kyung said, yet the way that Jaehyo looks back at him is the same as it's always been. "I was just out with Kyung and the guys earlier and we drank a little."
Something flickers through Jaehyo's expression at the mention of Kyung, but it's smoothed over a second later. But even that is enough to have Jiho's heart slip a centimeter, because Jaehyo knows Kyung is a bit of a blabbermouth, especially to Jiho.
It would be better if Jaehyo just told him now, just got it over with, and Jiho waits for him to drop the news, heart sinking slowly in his chest. Please, Jiho thinks, but Jaehyo remains silent, looking across at Jiho with that unreadable expression.
Does this mean so little it doesn't even count? It seems so obvious that Jaehyo is just doing this to be kind, and the thought chokes Jiho.
When the silence has dragged on too long, Jiho just lets out an abbreviated breath and turns to open the door. Jaehyo follows him inside silently and is still taking off his shoes as Jiho runs into the bathroom and slams the door behind him. He knows he's hiding, putting off whatever needs to be done, but his head is still spinning and he needs to get his feet underneath him before this can go any further.
And yet when he opens the bathroom door, it's to a dark apartment. Whatever he was going to say is caught in his throat, silenced by the quiet fallen over the room.
He shuffles over to the bed. Jaehyo is curled up with his back against the wall, covers pulled up to his nose. Even in the dark Jiho can see the soft fall of his hair over his forehead, unstyled and messy for once. He's seen it so many times before but it feels like the last night he'll be allowed to look at it like this, as if Jaehyo is going to disappear in the morning and never return.
The idea of the future freezes Jiho's insides, holds him there next to the bed for long seconds as he traces over the little he can see of Jaehyo's face, trying to memorize the dips of the shadows and the soft curves of his face.
They could just keep going like this, Jiho pretending not to know and Jaehyo giving his kindness over to Jiho like a duty he's promised himself he'll fulfill. It could be enough, perhaps, for a while, even if the thought of Jaehyo's hands on him while his mind is full of someone else makes Jiho feel sick.
It's obvious. They can't stay like this forever, and somehow he finds the strength to pull open the covers and slip inside. It's so warm underneath, Jaehyo's body heat filling the spaces and it smells like a mix of them, their scents, though he's changed the sheets since Jaehyo was here last. Jiho is so unprepared for this.
Jaehyo shifts a little, knees sliding against Jiho's and his head is tilting up on the pillow until he can face Jiho. He blinks sleepily, bangs dropping across his forehead and catching on his eyebrows, his breaths only audible because they're almost pressed together.
Jiho watches him, hands curled up to his chest, unable to reach out or say the words caught in his throat. He feels sick and overheated and like he wants to slip forward until he's tucked under Jaehyo's chin, until Jaehyo can wrap his arms around him and they can just sleep like that, fitting into each other as if they were made for each other more than the disparate parts they really are.
Jaehyo reaches over and cups Jiho's face, thumb sliding over his cheek.
They're going the same way they always are, and Jiho needs to stop this but his body is cut off from his mind, his body wants this so much.
Stop, he thinks, but his head tilts into the touch anyway, heart an unbearable weight in his chest. Please stop.
But Jaehyo is moving over him, rising on one arm until his face is near Jiho's and Jiho can't take it, closes his eyes because he wants this and Jaehyo is so close, giving him something even if it's not enough. He can't bear to do this, or to end it, so he lies still.
Jaehyo's lips fit against his, warm and dry, and Jiho jerks slightly under his touch, not expecting it. Heat blooms under his skin from something so simple, hope skittering through him. Jaehyo pulls away and Jiho can't open his eyes, doesn't want to see Jaehyo's expression. And then Jaehyo kisses him again, this time slick, and he's pulling Jiho's chin slightly up so their mouths can fit together more comfortably.
Jiho's head spins in the darkness. This is not what he- his hands move on their own until they're grasping the back of Jaehyo's shirt tightly, holding him to him though Jaehyo is only moving closer, knee sliding between Jiho's thighs. He doesn't know what's happening, or why, but Jaehyo is kissing him deeply, hands softening on Jiho's face until they're just brushing over Jiho's jaw and down his neck.
Their hips rock together, just slightly, and Jiho can feel that Jaehyo is half-hard. They should be doing something about that, they should be getting down to the simple fucking, half-fucking, whatever it is they always do, but Jaehyo seems to give no mind to his body's reaction.
Instead, he continues to kiss Jiho, licking into his mouth until Jiho is breathless and overwhelmed. Jaehyo keeps him there, body a soft warmth over him and breaths flaring over his cheeks. Jiho's never been kissed like this, never kissed like this, and it's so unfair that Jaehyo is doing this to him now. He doesn't know what to do with it but kiss back, hold onto Jaehyo as if it will keep them like this forever.
Jaehyo is so gentle, and it's only the thought that he's probably like this with his girlfriend, that makes Jiho break away, hand pushing at Jaehyo's chest. His mind is more muddled than before and he can barely remember why he's pushed him away when Jaehyo rolls slightly off.
His lips are sensitive when he speaks, heavy with the imprint of Jaehyo's kisses. "Stop." He can barely open his eyes.
He can feel tension immediately spread through Jaehyo's shoulders, pushing him rigidly up. "What's wrong?" Jaehyo asks, and Jiho hates how his voice sounds hurt, as if Jiho isn't the one trying to keep him from making a mistake.
"I can't do this," Jiho says, unable to speak louder than a whisper. Jaehyo shifts away from him, and Jiho wants that heat on him again, but he lets his hands fall from Jaehyo's shirt. No. "Not while you're-" he swallows, unable to continue.
"While I'm what?" Jaehyo asks, freezing.
Jiho wants to glare at him but frowning only draws attention to his kiss-heavy lips, sends a line of arousal straight down his spine. "While you have a girlfriend." The word is painful enough to say, even if the real reason lingers at the back of Jiho's mind. While you have no feelings for me. While you're just being a good hyung.
Jaehyo goes completely rigid and in the half-light Jiho can make out his confused expression. "Girlfriend?" he repeats, and he sounds so completely /disbelieving/ that there's a tremble of laughter in the word. "Girlfriend?" He pulls away from Jiho completely, dragging the covers with him. Cold air flows over Jiho's shoulders and he reaches up to drag the covers back.
Jaehyo frowns and holds tight to the sheet. Irritation rises over Jiho's spine, and he gives a sharp tug to the sheets, annoyed when Jaehyo doesn't let go. If he's going to be heartbroken, he'd prefer to be warm while doing so.
"Are you serious?" Jaehyo asks, and his voice is softer this time. "You seriously think I have a girlfriend?" He lets go of the sheet and Jiho pulls it over his back until warmth covers him completely again.
"Kyung told me he saw you with a girl," Jiho says, embarrassed even as he admits it. "And-"
Jaehyo makes a disgruntled noise. "Park Kyung is-" he shakes his head before sliding back towards Jiho, not touching him but no longer rigidly braced over him. Jiho can feel his breath puff over his face as he says, intent, "I do not have a girlfriend."
Some tiny bit of relief floods through Jiho, but unease still makes a heavy pit of his stomach. Even when Jaehyo leans over him again and cautiously presses his lips to Jiho's, the unease doesn't lessen. Jaehyo pulls away after an awkward moment, and there's something off in his expression this time.
"I-is that it?" he asks, voice quiet. He licks over his lips and Jiho wants to press up and kiss him again, but he can't. Not while Jaehyo's motives are still so unclear, possibly so different from Jiho's. "Did Kyung tell you something else?"
He looks so worried that Jiho can't help but reach up and cup his cheek, surprised when the skin presses hot into his palm. "No, he didn't say anything."
Jaehyo's gaze flickers away from him, and if possible, the skin under Jiho's palm heats further, as if he's embarrassed. "Of course," Jaehyo mumbles, before pressing his lips tightly together and looking back up at Jiho. There's some of his inherent awkwardness in the way his shoulders have curled up towards his ears, but he looks determined. "Kyung, he saw me with a girl." A pang goes through Jiho at the words, but he keeps still, hoping for more. "She's just my brother's friend, and she needed someone to show her around Seoul for a day." He reaches up and presses his hand gently onto Jiho's chest, right above the ache in Jiho's heart. "I swear."
Jiho would probably roll his eyes at any other point but all he does is squeeze Jaehyo's cheek in his hand, trying to reassure him. The girl hardly matters at this point. "Yeah, I believe you," he mutters.
"You better, because, look, Jiho-yah-" Jaehyo dips his head momentarily, eyes closing like he's trying to gather up the necessary determination. After a moment, he tilts his head back up and locks eyes with Jiho. "This thing between us, it's- well, to me, it's important."
Jiho wants to speak but doesn't know what to say. Jaehyo is watching him, though, eyes searching his face like he's trying read something from Jiho's expression. Something slips in Jaehyo's determined frown and his voice comes out unsure. "Is it the same for you?"
"Yeah, it's important," Jiho agrees quietly, but that word is still so unclear. Jaehyo doesn't look like he believes him, anyway. "Hyung, is this just to- you know that you're already a good hyung, right?"
Confusion takes over Jaehyo's face and his fingers slip against Jiho's chest. "Yes?"
The ache presses at hotly Jiho's throat, trying to get him to stop talking, to stop messing this up further, but now that he's gotten a word out the rest just seem to fall in line. "So you don't need to prove it. You don't need to do this to just to take care of me. I'd be fine on my own."
Jaehyo's eyebrows furrow and he looks at Jiho like Jiho isn't speaking Korean anymore. "Take care of you? I'm not taking care of you. What are you talking about?"
"I mean, if you're doing this just to be a caring hyung, you can-"
Jaehyo's mouth slips open and then he falls forward onto Jiho's chest, knocking his forehead painfully into Jiho's chin. Jiho struggles not to whine at the pain, too confused by his hyung's actions. Jaehyo's fingers tighten in Jiho's shirt, and he stays pressed into Jiho's chest for a long moment, before he just as suddenly pulls up again.
His eyes are wide and strangely bright when he looks at Jiho. There's laughter trembling at the edges of his lips that's at odds with the serious atmosphere, and it sends Jiho feeling slightly off-kilter again. He doesn't know how Jaehyo always manages to do that and he's not sure whether he's happy or annoyed. "Do you- you are su- do you know me, Jiho? Do you know me at all?"
Annoyance creeps into Jiho's voice. "Yeah, and I-"
"You think I'm nice," Jaehyo finishes for him, almost laughing, but he seems to gather a modicum of seriousness before he speaks again. "I'd do a lot of things for you guys, for Block B, but for you- just for you, Jiho-yah-" he closes his eyes and shakes his head. When he opens his eyes again, all the traces of laughter have disappeared from his face, and the sincerity in his expression makes Jiho's breath catch in his throat. "I like you. Not as a dongsaeng, though I guess like that, too. I like you like I want to kiss you all the time and doing this, sort of being with you but not being able to do that- I hate it. I just thought," and he presses his lips together, looking hopeful but guarded, "when you called me tonight, maybe you wanted more than-" he cuts himself off with a little huff of breath. "I don't hate you watching me but, I don't know, just-" he falls silent.
Jiho stares at him for a long second, trying to fight against the bloom of hope in his chest. "You pulled away," he says, like he has no control over his mouth.
Jaehyo's brows shoot up again. "What?" His voice is hoarse.
"When I tried to kiss you," Jiho explains, feeling stupid even as his mouth works. "The first time. I tried to kiss you and you flinched."
Jaehyo seems stripped of words and utterly confused. A moment later, his gaze narrows in on Jiho. "Do you like me?"
"Yeah," Jiho says, feeling heat flare across his face. "But-"
Jaehyo lets out an annoyed sound before he heaves himself up again and leans over Jiho, until they're only inches apart and Jiho has to struggle not to let his eyes cross as he stares up at Jaehyo. "Okay," Jaehyo says, before he leans in and kisses Jiho once softly on the mouth. "I'm not flinching," he mumbles nearly into Jiho's lips, and fuck if Jiho can't feel the smile curling at the corners of Jaehyo's mouth, thinking he's so clever. Warmth curls through Jiho's chest and something like relief or happiness is buzzing across his skin.
"Shut up," Jiho mutters, tightening his grip in Jaehyo's shirt and pulling him over until they can fit together.
END
A/N: can you tell I gave up. hyoranges THIS IS ALL FOR YOU. I need a nap.
pairing: Jaehyo/Zico
warning: voyeurism
part 1
It's less than a week later that Jaeyho decides to sleep over.
It's very obviously a Decision, as Jaehyo calls ahead of time (which he never does), drags Jiho out for dinner (Jiho still in pajamas because it is 11PM and he is not hungry, thank you very much but he is weak to Jaehyo's hands and follows behind him regardless) and spends the entire time trying to talk through Jiho's ear, mostly with stories Jiho has swear he's heard a million times before (this isn't unusual, but it's obvious that Jaehyo is much more aware of the tension than usual, which, typically, just makes it worse).
On the way back to Jiho's apartment, Jaehyo very abruptly shuts up, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He speeds a little ahead of Jiho and Jiho lets him, a slow, sinking fear growing in his stomach that makes him wonder if Jaehyo really wants to do this.
There's no real way to know, and the thought cuts at him no matter how he tries to ignore it. Compared to the litany of words before, the silence is almost oppressive.
At the apartment door Jaehyo stops, bouncing a little on his feet as Jiho comes up to him.
"Are you okay?" Jiho asks, and underneath the question linger the words are you sure you want to?
Jaehyo drags his gaze away from the door and flicks it quickly over Jiho's face. He smiles then, soft and just the slightest bit nervous. He swallows, says, "Yeah," in a low voice that sends a curl of arousal through Jiho's stomach.
Once inside, Jiho darts to the bathroom immediately, quickly brushing his teeth and washing his face like it's any other night and he's not about to come out and jerk off and more? Will there be more? with his hyung and bandmember.
He stares at his bare face in the mirror, wishing his reflection could knock him straight again, give him the skills he used to have to deflect awkward situations. But he just stares straight back, cheeks pinked and every little imperfection obvious in the harsh overhead light.
It's really always been Jaehyo who's made things less awkward, who's absorbed everyone else's uncertainty and thrown himself into his latent weirdness so they could forget anything else.
"Just trust him," Jiho whispers to his reflection, but it does little to alleviate the imbalance between his arousal and the sick feeling that they're going to mess something up.
When he comes back into his bedroom, Jaehyo is sitting on his bed, though he springs to his feet the moment Jiho appears.
"I'm just gonna-" Jaehyo says, pointing to the bathroom before all but running towards it.
Jiho sits on his bed, first at the edge, and then scooting towards the wall and crossing his legs in front of him. Should he lie down? Is Jaehyo going to get in bed with him? He picks at his sweatpants with a sudden thought. Should I get naked already? He frowns.
Agitation pulls at his skin, but so does sleep, so he shuffles around until he's lying on the bed, sheet pulled up over his thighs. It seems too presumptuous to take off any clothes, but he doesn't know what to do.
He lies there, listening to the far-off sounds of Jaehyo's movements in the bathroom. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he should call it all off- but the thought of Jaehyo's face after he had come, eyes dark and face flushed, and the smell of his skin caught in the air of Jiho's apartment that sometimes he had caught it days later- all of those keep him still in bed, watching the bathroom door.
Finally, the door opens and Jaehyo appears. Jiho thinks he'll say something, but instead he just flicks off the light and the apartment recedes into sudden darkness. Jiho blinks hard, confused.
Jaehyo shuffles across the wooden floor and completely ignores the empty space Jiho has left on the bed. Instead, his hyung just lies down where he always sleeps, pulling the pillow and sheet out from underneath Jiho's bed and settling down.
Jiho rolls slightly, until he is closer to the middle of the bed and can see Jaehyo more clearly. What is he doing?
It seems like every other night, Jaehyo curled up on the floor and sheet over his shoulders. His eyes are closed and he seems to be making every effort to fall asleep.
Disappointment kicks Jiho harder than he thought it would, right in the throat. With an absent hand he reaches up and scratches hard across his forehead, until the prickling in his eyes stops and he can take a breath without feeling like it's about to precipitate tears.
Well, now he's gone done and messed everything up. He must have read it wrong. Totally, completely wrong. Resigned and heavy with a disproportionate sadness in his chest, he rolls onto his back and closes his eyes.
It should be hard to relax, but sleep seems immediate instead.
-
A light hand on his wrist wakes him, and he shifts around, disoriented by the predawn light cutting in through the windows. He's groggy and doesn't realize why he's awoken until the fingers press into his wrist a little harder, a reminder.
He groans and rolls onto his side to see Jaehyo turned towards him on the floor, one arm stretched out and hand grasping Jiho's wrist. And the other- Jiho's eyes dart down his body, searching out familiarity diffused in soft grey shadows.
His breath catches in his throat at the sight of Jaehyo's barely-hard cock, with long fingers curled around the base. He's not sure if it's the relief that he hasn't messed everything up or the sight alone that makes him immediately slide a hand down his own pants, following the dip of heat in his belly.
Jaehyo lets out a little huff, and Jiho looks up, expecting maybe disgust, but a smile curls at the edges of Jaehyo's lips. A jolt goes through him at the look, joining the arousal twisting low in his stomach. He wants to kiss it, but presses his lips together tightly for a moment instead.
They lie like that for a while, Jaehyo slowly stroking his cock and Jiho mirroring the movements. The only sound in the room is their soft exhalations and the slight shifts of fabric against skin. There's nothing keeping them quiet this time but the dim light and the sleepy atmosphere of the early morning.
It's relaxing in an odd way, excitement from earlier curled up under his skin. The quiet makes him feel like they're sharing a secret, until the strokes over sensitive skin respond with a slight twitch of his hips or a groan caught in the back of his throat. They watch each other intently, eyes slipping up and down each others bodies in places of their hands or lips. It shouldn't be so arousing, just watching each other get off, but somehow seeing the way Jaehyo's lower stomach muscles clench and go soft, watching how his hand tightens over the dark pink of the head of his cock, even that is more than enough. The slow pace does little to stop the slow burn of arousal, and soon he's rocking into his hand, body aching for something more, more touch, more sounds, and less at the same time, if it will make the ache underneath his skin draw to a stop.
Jaehyo must be somewhere similar because his hand slips from Jiho's wrist and joins his other hand low between his thighs. The ache tightens under Jiho's skin as if he misses the slight touch, and he pulls more quickly at his length, searching for that familiar bone-deep pull of climax. But as Jaehyo twists on the floor, hips jerking unevenly and ropes of cum arc onto his stomach, he can't find it.
Jaehyo breathes in and out deeply, thin chest heaving and hands stroking lazily through the aftershocks, his eyes closed for the first time. Jiho watches him, thighs twisting, and even as sweat breaks out over his nape, he can't make himself come.
Jaehyo opens his eyes and looks dazedly over at him, brow furrowing at the desperate look that must be on Jiho's face.
He has to break the silence.
"Hyung," he whines, oddly desperate. Help me.
Jaehyo seems to understand and a moment later he's raising his hand again, wrapping it tightly around Jiho's wrist. He pulls, just slightly, but the command is clear, and Jiho has always been weak to his hands.
Jiho doesn't know how he has the ability to stand, but somehow he slides over the edge of the bed and collapses next to Jaehyo. The floor is too cold against his overheated skin, but a moment later Jaehyo is pressing his body length up against Jiho and even the slight warmth of him, the softness of his cotton sleep shirt, seems like too much at once. Everything he wants is pressed up against him, slipping one thigh between Jiho's until he can't stop the groan he lets out.
Jaehyo looks up at him, dark eyes huge for once.
"Hey," he whispers, and Jiho tries not to tremble against him but the ache has grown so strong it's begun to hurt, prickling at his skin. "Trust hyung, okay?"
Jiho can't speak, so he gives a shaky nod. Jaehyo smiles just slightly and slips his hand around Jiho's length. Jiho is so close already and Jaehyo barely has to pull, those soft fingers against his oversensitive length, before he's jerking up against Jaehyo, his thighs tightening.
Oh god, and it feels amazing, just that slight touch. Jiho buries his face into the soft, hot crook of Jaehyo's neck. The musky scent of his skin is strong and Jiho can't help himself from sliding his lips along the curve of Jaehyo's neck, tongue flicking out to taste him. Jaehyo jerks, slightly, his hand tightening around Jiho, but doesn't pull away.
Jiho moans, open mouthed, a moment later, when Jaehyo slides his other hand underneath Jiho's cock to massage his balls. It's way too much, heat gathering quickly between their bodies and arousal tightening up his spine until he writhes against Jaehyo.
He wants to kiss Jaehyo, now while they're pressed up against each other and Jaehyo's skin is soft against his, but his orgasm crashes through him so abruptly he can't make himself move. He should be embarrassed, he thinks, the way he helplessly ruts into Jaehyo's hands, but he can only clutch onto Jaehyo's shoulders tightly as his entire focus narrows down to his cock and then the arousal that spirals out through his whole body. His cries are silenced by the curve of Jaehyo's shoulder, the smell of him sharp in his nose.
When his breaths calm back down and contentment dampens down his body, he opens his eyes to realize Jaehyo is holding him close. The hands on his hips draw little circles across the sensitive skin and Jaehyo is whispering something so quietly Jiho can't hear him through the buzzing in his ears.
Jiho feels dizzy and tired, his limbs not responding as well as he wants as he tries to burrow further into Jaehyo.
Jaehyo lets out a little humph of air as Jiho nearly shoves him flat on his back, something between a laugh and exasperation.
"Hey," Jiho mumbles, sure his voice is barely discernible but not caring. Their bodies are sticking to each other oddly, the cum on their stomachs starting to cool and become tacky. This might be too big of a leap but- "Let's just sleep like this," he mutters, and Jaehyo does that little laugh again.
"If you're going to sleep on me, can we do it on the bed at least?" Jaehyo asks, voice right in Jiho's ear. He's so oversensitive even that is enough to make Jiho shudder. It's only a moment later that he registers the response.
Jaehyo has to help him sit up, and he crawls onto the bed and collapses onto his side. This time, Jaehyo comes up with him, curling up with him. Jiho feels a smile pull at his lips, but he's so sleepy he can barely concentrate on Jaehyo wiping down his stomach with some tissues before he falls straight asleep, the feel of Jaehyo's hands on his skin following him into sleep.
-
When he wakes, it's barely an hour later. The light is stronger now, almost golden as it spreads over the floor and over the top of Jaehyo's head. Heat curls through his chest at the sight of his hyung sleeping next to him, shirt slipping from his shoulders and pale slopes of his neck so close Jiho could lean forward and brush his lips there if he wants.
Maybe I'll just- Jiho thinks, still sleepy, as he tilts his head down and kisses just at the rise of Jaehyo's neck. The skin is soft and hot with sleep and Jaehyo barely moves in acknowledgment. With a hum of contentment, Jiho shuffles his body up behind Jaehyo's and drops his arm softly around his waist.
Jaehyo jerks a little, like he's been disturbed, but just rolls into the touch, body relaxing. Jiho wishes he knew what was really going on between them so he could know if he was allowed to just kiss him again, but even this is enough for now. He lets the warmth of Jaehyo's body lull him back into rest, their breaths matching up in the press of Jiho's chest against his back.
He's moments away from dropping back into sleep when Jaehyo suddenly moves, hand sliding over Jiho's. The touch is so careful, it seems paradoxical when Jaehyo lifts the hand from around his waist and slips off the bed, footsteps creaking on the wooden floor. Jaehyo places Jiho's hand back on the bed and Jiho has to resist the urge to shift or open his eyes.
Something tears in his chest, just slightly, at the rejection. Maybe he just has to use the toilet, he reminds himself, but even when Jaehyo comes back out from the bathroom, he doesn't join Jiho on the bed again. He shuffles around the room, doing something Jiho can't identify through sound alone.
Whatever contentment Jiho had been enjoying earlier has dissipated completely, leaving him oddly sore and heart beating painfully in his throat. It's so obvious now that whatever Jaehyo had been doing before was just as a favor to him, some weird version of hyung duties he's tailored specifically for Jiho.
He can tell that Jaehyo comes to stand in front of him for a long moment, just his slight shadow over falling over Jiho's face, but he doesn't say anything.
And then there are gentle fingers over his forehead, brushing back the hair. Jiho's heart trembles in his throat and he wants to open his eyes, wants to smile at Jaehyo and coax him back into bed. But if he's already made Jaehyo do this much, he doesn't want to make him do more, so he keeps his eyes shut until Jaehyo quietly closes the front door of the apartment behind him.
-
Jiho thinks that's the end of it, just that one time, but it never works out that way. Less than a week later, Kyung, Jihoon and Jaehyo meet up and Kyung calls him to come out.
Maybe he wouldn't have come if he knew Jaehyo was going to be there, but they're a band and will have to work and sleep and live together for months, hopefully years, after this, so it's better to just get the awkwardness over with.
What he doesn't expect is, when they're splitting up at the end of the night, for Jaehyo to attach himself to Jiho's arm and say he's going to sleep over at his place. He's stunned, but doesn't protest, his heart skipping its way up his throat.
They don't talk about it on the way home, Jaehyo just telling him little stories only to fall silent when they're almost back to Jiho's apartment.
The routine is almost exactly like last time, except when Jaehyo comes out of the bathroom and flicks off the lights, he makes his way over to Jiho's bed instead.
Jiho holds his breath as the bed creaks under the added weight, doesn't move when Jaehyo pulls the sheets over his hips. He's curled up facing Jiho, but Jiho doesn't open his eyes until Jaehyo puts a hand on his cheek. Jaehyo's thumb brushes over the rise of his cheek and he hates how kind Jaehyo can be.
"Hey," Jaehyo whispers, and Jiho tries to work out his facial features in the darkness. It's so hard to know what he's thinking and he hates playing it this way.
But at the same time he can't deny Jaehyo's hands on him, the addicting heat and curl of arousal through him, and he forgets whatever protest he wants to make. It doesn't matter that his heart is heavy throughout it all, softening down his cries and moans, it doesn't matter that when he arches up and tries to kiss Jaehyo's lips that his hyung jerks back from the touch like Jiho's going to bite him.
It doesn't matter, don't think about it, it doesn't matter, Jiho reminds himself as Jaehyo pulls him through his climax, Jiho's hands curled in the front of Jaehyo's shirt because it's the only safe place he thinks he can touch. He lets the pleasure blind him for a long moment, holding his breath in his burning chest to draw it longer until he can imagine Jaehyo whispering how good he is, how hot, yes, Jiho, please, and block out the sudden intake of breath as Jiho had leaned over his lips.
And then Jaehyo is untangling his hand and guiding it down his body. Jiho likes the way Jaehyo comes so undone under Jiho's hands, how he shudders and curls further into Jiho with his hot breaths over his collarbones. And when Jaehyo comes in his hand, hips jerking helplessly and head digging into Jiho's chest, Jiho bites his lip hard to try to stop the surge of affection that shoots through him. It's so easy to imagine Jaehyo really wanting this, that it's only because it's Jiho that he comes apart like this.
But the words don't help, and Jiho feels odd and off-kilter as Jaehyo cleans them up again and rolls onto his side, away from Jiho.
He shouldn't do it, but he wraps himself around Jaehyo again, this time sliding his hand underneath Jaehyo's shirt until he can rest his fingers against Jaehyo's soft stomach. Jaehyo twitches, almost pulling away, but Jiho presses his palm flat and fits his body behind Jaehyo, hoping.
Incrementally, Jaehyo relaxes back against him, breaths lengthening as he calms back down. Just as Jiho begins to fall asleep as well, one hand presses over Jiho's and intwines their fingers.
Jiho's heart leaps in his throat, and he tamps down on it. He's just doing it to be a good hyung, he reminds himself, letting the weight settle his heart back into his chest.
Maybe in the morning he'll leave before Jiho wakes up, and that's okay. It'll be okay, Jiho tells himself, though the heaviness in his chest keeps him awake for a long time after that.
-
It becomes a thing between them, though Jiho never intended it to. Jaehyo sleeps over in his bed, but in the morning always slips out before Jiho wakes up. They don't talk about it outside that time, don't exchange sweet murmurs in the night, and don't kiss. After getting rejected the first time, Jiho doesn't try again.
He thinks it'll get easier the longer it goes on, but sometimes even he makes mistakes. He thinks he'll want less the more he gets, but the ache around his heart only deepens and Jaehyo's hands can't soothe the pain away. Every time they meet up, he tells himself that this is the last time he'll let Jaehyo do this to him, that he'll only take this one last instance of his hyung's kindness and then let him go, but Jaehyo's soft fingers over his forehead in the morning always makes his heart tighten in hope, because perhaps, he thinks, perhaps.
Hope is strangling him and he can't let it go.
It's almost two months later that Jiho gets called out by Kyung for a night out. It's nice, relaxing in a weird way, because he doesn't really like drinking, but a bunch of their mutual friends are out with them and they always seem to make Jiho laugh.
Kyung is already quite drunk by the time he leans in close to Jiho and says, "So, did you know?"
Jiho frowns at him, pushing his beer-scented face away. "You smell. Know what?"
Kyung flops back against the booth and smirks, lifting his beer glass for another sip. Jiho kind of hates it when Kyung knows something he doesn't, since he's such a little shit about giving information.
"Did you know that Jaehyo-hyung has a girlfriend?" Kyung sing-songs the last word before bursting into laughter at the look that must be frozen across Jiho's face.
Jiho isn't sure how it's possible, but he's sure he's just been punched in the stomach. His breath squeezes in through a tiny passage in his airway, and there's the distinct sensation of falling though he's completely steady on the bench.
"What?" he asks, surprised when his voice comes out almost normally.
Kyung is still laughing a fit. "You look like someone shit on you, Jiho-yah, what the fuck is wrong with your face?" He reaches out with one condensation-cool hand and presses at Jiho's cheek, trying to lift one edge of his mouth into a smile.
Jiho can hardly feel him. "A girlfriend?" The word rings through his head. "How do you know?"
"I saw him! With this girl. And he was like, 'no-o, just my friend,' but-" Kyung finally lets go of Jiho's face to wave his hand in the air, "you know." He raises his eyebrows in quick succession, smirk spread across his lips. "You know."
Jiho is far too sober for this, and feeling like the world is sliding off its axis. He never thought it was physically possible to sober up in less than a minute, but the adrenaline pumping through his system seems to disagree.
He never thought what he had with Jaehyo was exclusive, only now that he actually considers it, maybe he did. Maybe he just never thought of Jaehyo-hyung, the kind of guy to fall in love in three days and get his girlfriend's initials tattooed on his wrist at less than 6 months together, as someone who could date multiple people at once.
/We're not exactly dating,/ he reminds himself, though the thought only makes heat prickle across his nape like the beginnings of a fever. His stomach stirs with unease and he tightens his fingers around the cool glass, wishing he were anywhere but in this stuffy bar, the air thick with cigarette smoke and the raucous laughter of his friends. It's suddenly too much, too many people, too many sounds and smells and he can barely breathe.
He stands, feeling dizzy the moment he does. Kyung is looking up at him, mildly concerned but still with laughter at the corners of his lips. Their other friends slowly turn to him, falling silent in their conversation, though the bar still roars with multiple other rowdy groups.
Jiho doesn't know what to do, what to say. He waves uselessly behind him, feeling himself tip on his heels and back to his toes. "Bathroom," he mumbles. His friends laugh, thinking he's so drunk he can barely formulate sentences.
Jiho turns and stumbles his way down the stairs of the bar to the sidewalk, where he falls into a crouch. He thinks he might be sick, his stomach roiling in protest of everything, the alcohol, his thoughts, the way his heart is trying to beat its way through his chest.
Somehow he finds his phone in his hands instead, and he's pulled up the number before he can think. Yes, just do it, he thinks before pressing dial.
It only rings a couple of times before Jaehyo's sleepy voice comes through the line. "Hey?"
Jiho closes his eyes, feeling dizzy again. "Hey," he responds, trying to think of what to say. Is Jaehyo with her now? A long moment passes, Jaehyo just breathing softly on the other end as he waits. "Can you-" he takes a breath, reorienting himself, "are you free right now?"
Jaehyo mumbles for a moment, rustling sounds in the background the only thing Jiho can hear before his voice comes back, clearer than before. "Hmm? Yeah, I'm free. What's up?"
"Can you come over? Tonight?" Jiho doesn't know what he's asking for, but whatever it is he can't do it over the phone.
Jaehyo's breath hitches on the other end, and there's a long, painful pause. Jiho's thoughts spin wildly in his head. If Jaehyo says no, now- Jiho isn't sure he'll have the guts to ask again. Finally, Jaehyo lets out a staticky sigh and says in a low voice, "Okay."
It's as if an anchor has been released from Jiho's heart, and he feels light and adrift without it. "Now?" he asks, voice high and almost pleading.
"Okay," Jaehyo repeats, as if to himself. "I'll come over now."
-
By the time Jiho makes it back to his apartment, Jaehyo is waiting there, hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants. He looks like he's wearing his pajamas, the shirt underneath his puffy jacket one of his old ratty Abercrombie & Fitch ones, and it strikes Jiho that he might have been asleep when Jiho called and rushed over here without changing. Jiho's heart squeezes hard in his chest at the thought.
His hand raises in greeting as Jiho comes closer, but there must be something telling on Jiho's face, because Jaehyo steps up to him and touches Jiho on the cheek, looking concerned. Even the small touch sends heat skittering over Jiho's skin, stopping him in place.
Oh, it's so much worse than he thought.
Jaehyo's dark eyes seem huge and kind in the hallway light, but then his eyebrows bow towards each other and his hand drops from Jiho's cheek. "Are you drunk?" he asks, his voice odd. He sounds almost disappointed, and it kicks at Jiho's heart.
"No," Jiho says, wanting to reach out and take Jaehyo's hand but afraid he might pull away. He searches over Jaehyo's features, trying to discern the truth of what Kyung said, yet the way that Jaehyo looks back at him is the same as it's always been. "I was just out with Kyung and the guys earlier and we drank a little."
Something flickers through Jaehyo's expression at the mention of Kyung, but it's smoothed over a second later. But even that is enough to have Jiho's heart slip a centimeter, because Jaehyo knows Kyung is a bit of a blabbermouth, especially to Jiho.
It would be better if Jaehyo just told him now, just got it over with, and Jiho waits for him to drop the news, heart sinking slowly in his chest. Please, Jiho thinks, but Jaehyo remains silent, looking across at Jiho with that unreadable expression.
Does this mean so little it doesn't even count? It seems so obvious that Jaehyo is just doing this to be kind, and the thought chokes Jiho.
When the silence has dragged on too long, Jiho just lets out an abbreviated breath and turns to open the door. Jaehyo follows him inside silently and is still taking off his shoes as Jiho runs into the bathroom and slams the door behind him. He knows he's hiding, putting off whatever needs to be done, but his head is still spinning and he needs to get his feet underneath him before this can go any further.
And yet when he opens the bathroom door, it's to a dark apartment. Whatever he was going to say is caught in his throat, silenced by the quiet fallen over the room.
He shuffles over to the bed. Jaehyo is curled up with his back against the wall, covers pulled up to his nose. Even in the dark Jiho can see the soft fall of his hair over his forehead, unstyled and messy for once. He's seen it so many times before but it feels like the last night he'll be allowed to look at it like this, as if Jaehyo is going to disappear in the morning and never return.
The idea of the future freezes Jiho's insides, holds him there next to the bed for long seconds as he traces over the little he can see of Jaehyo's face, trying to memorize the dips of the shadows and the soft curves of his face.
They could just keep going like this, Jiho pretending not to know and Jaehyo giving his kindness over to Jiho like a duty he's promised himself he'll fulfill. It could be enough, perhaps, for a while, even if the thought of Jaehyo's hands on him while his mind is full of someone else makes Jiho feel sick.
It's obvious. They can't stay like this forever, and somehow he finds the strength to pull open the covers and slip inside. It's so warm underneath, Jaehyo's body heat filling the spaces and it smells like a mix of them, their scents, though he's changed the sheets since Jaehyo was here last. Jiho is so unprepared for this.
Jaehyo shifts a little, knees sliding against Jiho's and his head is tilting up on the pillow until he can face Jiho. He blinks sleepily, bangs dropping across his forehead and catching on his eyebrows, his breaths only audible because they're almost pressed together.
Jiho watches him, hands curled up to his chest, unable to reach out or say the words caught in his throat. He feels sick and overheated and like he wants to slip forward until he's tucked under Jaehyo's chin, until Jaehyo can wrap his arms around him and they can just sleep like that, fitting into each other as if they were made for each other more than the disparate parts they really are.
Jaehyo reaches over and cups Jiho's face, thumb sliding over his cheek.
They're going the same way they always are, and Jiho needs to stop this but his body is cut off from his mind, his body wants this so much.
Stop, he thinks, but his head tilts into the touch anyway, heart an unbearable weight in his chest. Please stop.
But Jaehyo is moving over him, rising on one arm until his face is near Jiho's and Jiho can't take it, closes his eyes because he wants this and Jaehyo is so close, giving him something even if it's not enough. He can't bear to do this, or to end it, so he lies still.
Jaehyo's lips fit against his, warm and dry, and Jiho jerks slightly under his touch, not expecting it. Heat blooms under his skin from something so simple, hope skittering through him. Jaehyo pulls away and Jiho can't open his eyes, doesn't want to see Jaehyo's expression. And then Jaehyo kisses him again, this time slick, and he's pulling Jiho's chin slightly up so their mouths can fit together more comfortably.
Jiho's head spins in the darkness. This is not what he- his hands move on their own until they're grasping the back of Jaehyo's shirt tightly, holding him to him though Jaehyo is only moving closer, knee sliding between Jiho's thighs. He doesn't know what's happening, or why, but Jaehyo is kissing him deeply, hands softening on Jiho's face until they're just brushing over Jiho's jaw and down his neck.
Their hips rock together, just slightly, and Jiho can feel that Jaehyo is half-hard. They should be doing something about that, they should be getting down to the simple fucking, half-fucking, whatever it is they always do, but Jaehyo seems to give no mind to his body's reaction.
Instead, he continues to kiss Jiho, licking into his mouth until Jiho is breathless and overwhelmed. Jaehyo keeps him there, body a soft warmth over him and breaths flaring over his cheeks. Jiho's never been kissed like this, never kissed like this, and it's so unfair that Jaehyo is doing this to him now. He doesn't know what to do with it but kiss back, hold onto Jaehyo as if it will keep them like this forever.
Jaehyo is so gentle, and it's only the thought that he's probably like this with his girlfriend, that makes Jiho break away, hand pushing at Jaehyo's chest. His mind is more muddled than before and he can barely remember why he's pushed him away when Jaehyo rolls slightly off.
His lips are sensitive when he speaks, heavy with the imprint of Jaehyo's kisses. "Stop." He can barely open his eyes.
He can feel tension immediately spread through Jaehyo's shoulders, pushing him rigidly up. "What's wrong?" Jaehyo asks, and Jiho hates how his voice sounds hurt, as if Jiho isn't the one trying to keep him from making a mistake.
"I can't do this," Jiho says, unable to speak louder than a whisper. Jaehyo shifts away from him, and Jiho wants that heat on him again, but he lets his hands fall from Jaehyo's shirt. No. "Not while you're-" he swallows, unable to continue.
"While I'm what?" Jaehyo asks, freezing.
Jiho wants to glare at him but frowning only draws attention to his kiss-heavy lips, sends a line of arousal straight down his spine. "While you have a girlfriend." The word is painful enough to say, even if the real reason lingers at the back of Jiho's mind. While you have no feelings for me. While you're just being a good hyung.
Jaehyo goes completely rigid and in the half-light Jiho can make out his confused expression. "Girlfriend?" he repeats, and he sounds so completely /disbelieving/ that there's a tremble of laughter in the word. "Girlfriend?" He pulls away from Jiho completely, dragging the covers with him. Cold air flows over Jiho's shoulders and he reaches up to drag the covers back.
Jaehyo frowns and holds tight to the sheet. Irritation rises over Jiho's spine, and he gives a sharp tug to the sheets, annoyed when Jaehyo doesn't let go. If he's going to be heartbroken, he'd prefer to be warm while doing so.
"Are you serious?" Jaehyo asks, and his voice is softer this time. "You seriously think I have a girlfriend?" He lets go of the sheet and Jiho pulls it over his back until warmth covers him completely again.
"Kyung told me he saw you with a girl," Jiho says, embarrassed even as he admits it. "And-"
Jaehyo makes a disgruntled noise. "Park Kyung is-" he shakes his head before sliding back towards Jiho, not touching him but no longer rigidly braced over him. Jiho can feel his breath puff over his face as he says, intent, "I do not have a girlfriend."
Some tiny bit of relief floods through Jiho, but unease still makes a heavy pit of his stomach. Even when Jaehyo leans over him again and cautiously presses his lips to Jiho's, the unease doesn't lessen. Jaehyo pulls away after an awkward moment, and there's something off in his expression this time.
"I-is that it?" he asks, voice quiet. He licks over his lips and Jiho wants to press up and kiss him again, but he can't. Not while Jaehyo's motives are still so unclear, possibly so different from Jiho's. "Did Kyung tell you something else?"
He looks so worried that Jiho can't help but reach up and cup his cheek, surprised when the skin presses hot into his palm. "No, he didn't say anything."
Jaehyo's gaze flickers away from him, and if possible, the skin under Jiho's palm heats further, as if he's embarrassed. "Of course," Jaehyo mumbles, before pressing his lips tightly together and looking back up at Jiho. There's some of his inherent awkwardness in the way his shoulders have curled up towards his ears, but he looks determined. "Kyung, he saw me with a girl." A pang goes through Jiho at the words, but he keeps still, hoping for more. "She's just my brother's friend, and she needed someone to show her around Seoul for a day." He reaches up and presses his hand gently onto Jiho's chest, right above the ache in Jiho's heart. "I swear."
Jiho would probably roll his eyes at any other point but all he does is squeeze Jaehyo's cheek in his hand, trying to reassure him. The girl hardly matters at this point. "Yeah, I believe you," he mutters.
"You better, because, look, Jiho-yah-" Jaehyo dips his head momentarily, eyes closing like he's trying to gather up the necessary determination. After a moment, he tilts his head back up and locks eyes with Jiho. "This thing between us, it's- well, to me, it's important."
Jiho wants to speak but doesn't know what to say. Jaehyo is watching him, though, eyes searching his face like he's trying read something from Jiho's expression. Something slips in Jaehyo's determined frown and his voice comes out unsure. "Is it the same for you?"
"Yeah, it's important," Jiho agrees quietly, but that word is still so unclear. Jaehyo doesn't look like he believes him, anyway. "Hyung, is this just to- you know that you're already a good hyung, right?"
Confusion takes over Jaehyo's face and his fingers slip against Jiho's chest. "Yes?"
The ache presses at hotly Jiho's throat, trying to get him to stop talking, to stop messing this up further, but now that he's gotten a word out the rest just seem to fall in line. "So you don't need to prove it. You don't need to do this to just to take care of me. I'd be fine on my own."
Jaehyo's eyebrows furrow and he looks at Jiho like Jiho isn't speaking Korean anymore. "Take care of you? I'm not taking care of you. What are you talking about?"
"I mean, if you're doing this just to be a caring hyung, you can-"
Jaehyo's mouth slips open and then he falls forward onto Jiho's chest, knocking his forehead painfully into Jiho's chin. Jiho struggles not to whine at the pain, too confused by his hyung's actions. Jaehyo's fingers tighten in Jiho's shirt, and he stays pressed into Jiho's chest for a long moment, before he just as suddenly pulls up again.
His eyes are wide and strangely bright when he looks at Jiho. There's laughter trembling at the edges of his lips that's at odds with the serious atmosphere, and it sends Jiho feeling slightly off-kilter again. He doesn't know how Jaehyo always manages to do that and he's not sure whether he's happy or annoyed. "Do you- you are su- do you know me, Jiho? Do you know me at all?"
Annoyance creeps into Jiho's voice. "Yeah, and I-"
"You think I'm nice," Jaehyo finishes for him, almost laughing, but he seems to gather a modicum of seriousness before he speaks again. "I'd do a lot of things for you guys, for Block B, but for you- just for you, Jiho-yah-" he closes his eyes and shakes his head. When he opens his eyes again, all the traces of laughter have disappeared from his face, and the sincerity in his expression makes Jiho's breath catch in his throat. "I like you. Not as a dongsaeng, though I guess like that, too. I like you like I want to kiss you all the time and doing this, sort of being with you but not being able to do that- I hate it. I just thought," and he presses his lips together, looking hopeful but guarded, "when you called me tonight, maybe you wanted more than-" he cuts himself off with a little huff of breath. "I don't hate you watching me but, I don't know, just-" he falls silent.
Jiho stares at him for a long second, trying to fight against the bloom of hope in his chest. "You pulled away," he says, like he has no control over his mouth.
Jaehyo's brows shoot up again. "What?" His voice is hoarse.
"When I tried to kiss you," Jiho explains, feeling stupid even as his mouth works. "The first time. I tried to kiss you and you flinched."
Jaehyo seems stripped of words and utterly confused. A moment later, his gaze narrows in on Jiho. "Do you like me?"
"Yeah," Jiho says, feeling heat flare across his face. "But-"
Jaehyo lets out an annoyed sound before he heaves himself up again and leans over Jiho, until they're only inches apart and Jiho has to struggle not to let his eyes cross as he stares up at Jaehyo. "Okay," Jaehyo says, before he leans in and kisses Jiho once softly on the mouth. "I'm not flinching," he mumbles nearly into Jiho's lips, and fuck if Jiho can't feel the smile curling at the corners of Jaehyo's mouth, thinking he's so clever. Warmth curls through Jiho's chest and something like relief or happiness is buzzing across his skin.
"Shut up," Jiho mutters, tightening his grip in Jaehyo's shirt and pulling him over until they can fit together.
END
A/N: can you tell I gave up. hyoranges THIS IS ALL FOR YOU. I need a nap.