Insufficient
This LJ is updated for the sake of personal growth. Please feel no obligation whatsoever to read- I imagine you'd find it particularly boring and difficult to follow. If you still feel so inspired, this is a public forum and you're welcome to read it.
I really just can't do it. I don't know why- but talking with people about what's going on in my head and my heart seems out of the realm of possibility. I'm sorry... I don't know why. Surrounded by people who are willing and even wanting to hear, but I couldn't wretch it out of my guts if I wanted. It's not real- so much of what's going on up front doesn't match what's happening back in the shop. There's pain and thoughts and growth and realization and understanding and confusion and frustration and anger and disappointment and sadness and so many other things I can and can't see or realize but I can't bring any of it to the surface in conversation- face to face, phone, text, nowhere can they meet and I don't know why.
Here is where I smash into a brick wall- very pertinent to the previous entry, I come to a plethora of feelings and thoughts that I want to express but understand to the fullest extent how completely impossible that is for a lot of different reasons- privacy, respect, and common decency to name a few... but as previously stated I just can't bring myself to talk about anything with anybody- even if talking to the person wouldn't be inappropriate- heck it could be very appropriate... I just can't do it. I don't post looking for advice if it seems like I'm fishing... Again- what I can, I want to express.
Much of this is just things that require time. Everything requires time- it's the amount of time good and bad things need in proportion to one another that astounds me. So quick to hurt, so long to heal... things aren't always negative. Love lasts forever- hate consumes itself and perishes. There's always good and I'm going to overcome this. Right now I'm hurting- I'm hurting as in feeling pain, but I'm also hurting others. I'm really tired of the second one- The first one independent of the second is something new that I'm actually almost ok with.
I really just can't do it. I don't know why- but talking with people about what's going on in my head and my heart seems out of the realm of possibility. I'm sorry... I don't know why. Surrounded by people who are willing and even wanting to hear, but I couldn't wretch it out of my guts if I wanted. It's not real- so much of what's going on up front doesn't match what's happening back in the shop. There's pain and thoughts and growth and realization and understanding and confusion and frustration and anger and disappointment and sadness and so many other things I can and can't see or realize but I can't bring any of it to the surface in conversation- face to face, phone, text, nowhere can they meet and I don't know why.
Here is where I smash into a brick wall- very pertinent to the previous entry, I come to a plethora of feelings and thoughts that I want to express but understand to the fullest extent how completely impossible that is for a lot of different reasons- privacy, respect, and common decency to name a few... but as previously stated I just can't bring myself to talk about anything with anybody- even if talking to the person wouldn't be inappropriate- heck it could be very appropriate... I just can't do it. I don't post looking for advice if it seems like I'm fishing... Again- what I can, I want to express.
Much of this is just things that require time. Everything requires time- it's the amount of time good and bad things need in proportion to one another that astounds me. So quick to hurt, so long to heal... things aren't always negative. Love lasts forever- hate consumes itself and perishes. There's always good and I'm going to overcome this. Right now I'm hurting- I'm hurting as in feeling pain, but I'm also hurting others. I'm really tired of the second one- The first one independent of the second is something new that I'm actually almost ok with.