Fatigue
See previous post for appropriate disclaimer.
I've always been a pretty strong believer in the idea that there are certain... lessons in life people have to figure out for themselves. I also believe we can learn from others mistakes (contradictory to the idea that we must make mistakes ourselves which is a common teenage outcry for letting them do stupid stuff) but this is different- I mean certain lessons. Things that, if we were told, we may not be able to believe or comprehend- things that we might not fully grasp if we do not walk the path that leads to this conclusion. The impact of this knowledge may be softened by having it presented to us, or the lessons learned en route to such information may be lost.
The point is, sometimes you really wish you could tell someone you care about why their life is going so wrong- why certain things keep happening to them- what they're doing wrong in some situation, but telling them won't help them. Watching someone suffer and feeling like the key to freedom is in your hand when you know better is mind bogglingly frustrating. I think for most people that's a time where you have told them, and they don't listen- they don't understand or they do it anyway and don't really follow that it's still occurring. I think that's a situation that people can relate more so then when telling someone won't help, but that's the situation that hits home for me a lot more for some reason.
I really worry I'm in that place right now- like, livin' la vida oblivious. I worry because, while Kristie would never say something like this, I feel like she can tell somethin's up, but knows I have to figure it out myself. Gosh, the more I talk about it, the more it sounds like cruelty, but I genuinely believe that if someone tried to explain things, it would make them worse in such a situation. I don't want to put Kristie through that because I know she still cares worlds for me. I think it would drive her crazy to see why I'm all kinds of not ok right now and couldn't just tell me or fix it herself. That's the kind of person she is- she cares no matter what and so deeply, and I'm pretty used to her being able to read me like a book (I'm, generally speaking, a simple creature). I think I'm pushing the bounds of what I'm comfortable talking about on here, but that's been something on my mind.
There are a few things I'm afraid of. A big one is not being aware of what others think of me- as seen pretty clearly in what I wrote right before this. I'm paranoid of not realizing how awkward I am, or of people ditching me because they don't actually like me- I'm terrified people will know something about me that I'm unaware of. I'm afraid of not being aware what's going on with me in general- not knowing why I'm upset or why I do something that I do. That's where self-evaluation comes into play.
The more I think about it- the more this makes sense. I'm using LJ as a form of self evaluation. Perhaps a little sad that as a 22 year old, I need a device in order to confide all my thoughts, but that's what my entries into LJ are helping me with. Already its helped me figure out where I'm dropping the ball, so to speak, on my spiritual life and convinced me to rectify the situation. I think I need to be able to do this by myself without the assistance of an online journal system, but in the meantime as I try to figure things out this will be an outstanding venue to express myself- especially while I still can't talk to people about anything important.
I've typed this entire LJ with my eyes closed because they hurt, but I'm itching to post more on live journal. However, coherence is eluding me- I'm not entirely sure what I'm writing and I'm afraid I'm likely getting a bit too tangential... sweeet, that is a word (I opened my eyes to check if spell check was angry- found a couple of 'em in my entry while I was checkin' that). Point is, I'm going to sleep, and probably re-reading this journal in the morning to see what I wrote about in it- see if it even makes sense to me- let alone anyone else. I'm tired of needing sleep.
I've always been a pretty strong believer in the idea that there are certain... lessons in life people have to figure out for themselves. I also believe we can learn from others mistakes (contradictory to the idea that we must make mistakes ourselves which is a common teenage outcry for letting them do stupid stuff) but this is different- I mean certain lessons. Things that, if we were told, we may not be able to believe or comprehend- things that we might not fully grasp if we do not walk the path that leads to this conclusion. The impact of this knowledge may be softened by having it presented to us, or the lessons learned en route to such information may be lost.
The point is, sometimes you really wish you could tell someone you care about why their life is going so wrong- why certain things keep happening to them- what they're doing wrong in some situation, but telling them won't help them. Watching someone suffer and feeling like the key to freedom is in your hand when you know better is mind bogglingly frustrating. I think for most people that's a time where you have told them, and they don't listen- they don't understand or they do it anyway and don't really follow that it's still occurring. I think that's a situation that people can relate more so then when telling someone won't help, but that's the situation that hits home for me a lot more for some reason.
I really worry I'm in that place right now- like, livin' la vida oblivious. I worry because, while Kristie would never say something like this, I feel like she can tell somethin's up, but knows I have to figure it out myself. Gosh, the more I talk about it, the more it sounds like cruelty, but I genuinely believe that if someone tried to explain things, it would make them worse in such a situation. I don't want to put Kristie through that because I know she still cares worlds for me. I think it would drive her crazy to see why I'm all kinds of not ok right now and couldn't just tell me or fix it herself. That's the kind of person she is- she cares no matter what and so deeply, and I'm pretty used to her being able to read me like a book (I'm, generally speaking, a simple creature). I think I'm pushing the bounds of what I'm comfortable talking about on here, but that's been something on my mind.
There are a few things I'm afraid of. A big one is not being aware of what others think of me- as seen pretty clearly in what I wrote right before this. I'm paranoid of not realizing how awkward I am, or of people ditching me because they don't actually like me- I'm terrified people will know something about me that I'm unaware of. I'm afraid of not being aware what's going on with me in general- not knowing why I'm upset or why I do something that I do. That's where self-evaluation comes into play.
The more I think about it- the more this makes sense. I'm using LJ as a form of self evaluation. Perhaps a little sad that as a 22 year old, I need a device in order to confide all my thoughts, but that's what my entries into LJ are helping me with. Already its helped me figure out where I'm dropping the ball, so to speak, on my spiritual life and convinced me to rectify the situation. I think I need to be able to do this by myself without the assistance of an online journal system, but in the meantime as I try to figure things out this will be an outstanding venue to express myself- especially while I still can't talk to people about anything important.
I've typed this entire LJ with my eyes closed because they hurt, but I'm itching to post more on live journal. However, coherence is eluding me- I'm not entirely sure what I'm writing and I'm afraid I'm likely getting a bit too tangential... sweeet, that is a word (I opened my eyes to check if spell check was angry- found a couple of 'em in my entry while I was checkin' that). Point is, I'm going to sleep, and probably re-reading this journal in the morning to see what I wrote about in it- see if it even makes sense to me- let alone anyone else. I'm tired of needing sleep.