Yang and Yin
Entries in this journal are not so much meant to be read as they are for personal growth on my part. You are welcome to read them if you'd like, but are, in no way, obligated or expected to.
I have a terrible habit of beginning to geek out in front of normal folk- by normal folk, I mean rational people who don't want to hear about 20 minutes of information comparing the different continuities of teenage mutant ninja turtles. Maybe, like dealing with my other problems, live journal can serve as a receptacle for crap no one else wants to hear.
First of all, and this is very important...
Leonardo wears blue (In all but the comic books where they all wear red), dual-wields Katanas (same size, not like a samurai), and is known for being the leader.
Raphael wears red (In all continuities since, again, they all wear red in the comics), wields sais sometimes refered to as "fighting forks", and is known for being the hot head or angry one.
Michelangelo (Whose name is spelled differently depending on the continuity, but has been "corrected" to be spelled, like so, the same way his respective renaissance artist spelled it. It used to be spelled Michaelangelo), wears orange, wields two nunchaku or nunchuks, and is the party dude.
Donatello (Who is awesome and it should be known, and obvious, is my favorite) wears purple, wields a single bo staff (though the action figures always come with two) and is known for being the smart one (usually regarding book smarts like physics, chemistry, and computers. It should also be noted that in the comics, he was the most family oriented in most circumstances, especially caring for the well being of his father, Master Splinter, more so than the other turtles).
I feel much better now that I've gotten that off my chest... sadly that's not an exaggeration.
I very often talk like I have a firm grip on the line between being an adult and being mature. I still believe there is a difference, but lately I have been wondering if the one is affecting the other, if only indirectly. If being more child-like is keeping me from being more mature in some ways. I honestly believe you can be the one without the other (I think people who are immature and grown up is pretty easy to pull off- why wouldn't the inverse be possible too? If only inversely rare) but the thought that comes to mind: if maybe by differentiating between the two, I'm going on and on about how the one doesn't necessarily correlate to the other without actually making sure the other is where it's supposed to be. That is to say, I'm more worried about telling anyone who calls me immature that I'm child like, but mature- that I don't actually follow up and ensure I am being a mature human being. I love me some ninja turtles- but do I let my love for the TMNT keep me from growing up in different, indirect ways? Not to be overly dramatic, but honestly, do I let childish fancies and my usual silly demeanor and attitude keep me from growing? Is it something that keeps me from connecting better with others, or understanding myself more?
I'm still in a place where it would be inappropriate to talk about a lot that's happening in my heart right now, but I think I'd feel better if I could just say this: Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes, some pretty specific and some very random times, I hurt unbearably so until I'm sick, until I'm weak, until I'm sobbing. It's a pain that is appeased, not released, killed, or put to an end- it comes back. I'm not ready for what it would take to stop it. Right now I feel like my heart would fall off before it would let me try.
Church was a very good experience today. I stopped working on Sundays after they had a pretty potent series on Sabbath, which as a byproduct of this I now drop the term "sabbath" in casual conversation. However, lately I've been using Sundays as a day to catch up on programming, which is decidedly work. As part of my aims to find more time, I'm not going to program on Sundays anymore either which should free up some guaranteed live journal time at least once a week, but also give me a chance to do some of those many things I Can't find time for without the guilt of knowing programming is looming over my shoulder. That is, in many ways, part of the intent of taking the Sabbath- free from work so the mind and body- heck, the spirit can be at rest. I'm at rest best when in motion, in a direction of my choosing I feel, so that freedom of time without guilt will be good. I need to to use this, however, as a... a... what's the word- like a reason to work harder (inspiration I guess, but I'd like a better word) during the rest of the week without that day. I'm starting by waking up an hour early with intent to force myself into programming mood fast and getting work done before my lunch plans, for which I'm quite excited. WOW! I'm tangent hopping, sabbath wasn't even the original reason for this part of my entry... now I'll have to add another...
Today in church, we talked about confession, and we had the opportunity, if we so chose, to write our sins on papers and post them on a board aside the church's walls during the service. The message was about how destructive sin can be when we, as people, try to hide it. I think it's very true. AA and other addict programs have a very fundamental system (from my limited knowledge) of accountability. We simply don't, as humans, have the same strength when answering to ourselves as we do to others. Telling ourselves we'll stop a sinful act (or substance abuse, etc), especially one done behind closed doors, has so much less impact than being able to tell someone your sin and to ask them to hold you accountable. Now you disappoint someone else. Now others will know your failure and now you'll have to speak to someone about your actions. Changes the stakes, changes the mind set, changes the scenario to help us, as people, live up to what we seek to do.
At first I told myself it wouldn't be appropriate to write this in such a public forum... I am ashamed of my sin. Truly it is one of my biggest shames and has been a problem for a long time- one which I fall into in times of depression that causes a lot of self loathing and personal deterioration as I strive to ignore everything and anything to hide the sense of guilt and disgust I begin to feel for myself. It is a problem I think most people wouldn't understand.
The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that as freeing as simply expressing and laying bare my sins on a board in a church, it was pretty clear such an act of vulnerability should be treated with respect; no one read the boards. No one tried to read and match up handwriting or remember who put which card where. It wasn't designed to hold us accountable- it was a matter of simple confession for sins that have passed; between us and the Lord. For what is was, it was amazing... but mine is an on-going sin. Would it be counter-intuitive then, after this powerful message about not hiding our sins to allow that to serve as my release? I'm going to write the next paragraph and then decide if I'll leave it in the post...
I struggle with pornography. I have for a long time. I think it's repulsive and disgusting. I don't think it's harmless, and on a personal level I'm extremely uncomfortable with the concept entirely; of pornography that is. An absolute mockery of what intimacy is meant to be between human beings in this world- but when I get depressed, that is my dark place: not an excuse, just an honest observation. Some drunk friend of my dad used it as a babysitter for me when I was younger- barely double digits I'd guess- my Father was unaware (or so I assume). Anyway- with the power of the internet and my constant need for a connection, there's few places on the planet I can go to be alone when I'm depressed that doesn't have an information super-highway express lane to my vice. An insight to addiction for me I suppose, but I can't hide the booze or stop buying the goods- my hobbies, connections, and even my job are all in the same place as my junky fix. I spent so much of my time terrified people will find out- I'm so embarrassed because I try so hard to be a role model for children- for my brothers... I find it to be inexcusable- for me that is. I have made a clear moral choice that it's entirely wrong and still choose to indulge myself whenever I'm emotionally weak. If others think its acceptable that is their choice, and while I disagree, that's not what this is about. It is something I've decided is wrong and I watch anyway. So many people have tried to tell me it's not a big deal- that it's okay, or that it's not wrong- this isn't about one's individuals belief about the construct- its about mine. It's about my believes and my actions being congruent with one another. I don't know what else to say on the subject other than I hope this can help me stop- if there is no longer a fear of being caught but a downright open truth on the subject, I've nothing left but t better myself for it, and hope I do not lose the respect of others. I'm trying to be a better person and I'm not hiding from anything- If this ever did get to anybody I was trying to be a role model for, and I hope it doesn't, maybe they'd at least get that I'm trying to be better for it. Not that they'd think I'm perfect, but they'd understand we're all human and learn understanding and grace for it. I think at this point I need to keep it in if I'm going to get anywhere.
Damn it...
This is unacceptable- I take what should be a matter expressed to my closest friends for support and guidance, and I turn to a public forum instead. I really need to get over whatever it is that's crippling me from turning to friends for help. Am I just ignoring EVERYTHING for the sake of keeping it together? Am I just constantly on the verge of a breakdown and using ignorance and emptiness as a shield? Maybe if I rattle me hard enough, I'll break? Maybe I really need to test me out- see what I'm still capable of withstanding? I can't tell if time is healing all wounds, or if time is waiting for me to get to a place where he can do his thing... and he's not being particularly vocal about it. It just feels too soon, too fast, too real. I haven't felt this self hatred thing in a long time- 'bout four years I'd venture a guess at. Was it masked or gone? Is it back or am I emulating it? IS it conditional? I'm tired and I'm not happy- I think this was for the better, but right now I just don't know what I'm doing or who I'm hurting or if I'm helping and I want to know. Might make more sense in the morning. Sorry. Really.
And also, Kelly Clarkson songs make me cry.
I have a terrible habit of beginning to geek out in front of normal folk- by normal folk, I mean rational people who don't want to hear about 20 minutes of information comparing the different continuities of teenage mutant ninja turtles. Maybe, like dealing with my other problems, live journal can serve as a receptacle for crap no one else wants to hear.
First of all, and this is very important...
Leonardo wears blue (In all but the comic books where they all wear red), dual-wields Katanas (same size, not like a samurai), and is known for being the leader.
Raphael wears red (In all continuities since, again, they all wear red in the comics), wields sais sometimes refered to as "fighting forks", and is known for being the hot head or angry one.
Michelangelo (Whose name is spelled differently depending on the continuity, but has been "corrected" to be spelled, like so, the same way his respective renaissance artist spelled it. It used to be spelled Michaelangelo), wears orange, wields two nunchaku or nunchuks, and is the party dude.
Donatello (Who is awesome and it should be known, and obvious, is my favorite) wears purple, wields a single bo staff (though the action figures always come with two) and is known for being the smart one (usually regarding book smarts like physics, chemistry, and computers. It should also be noted that in the comics, he was the most family oriented in most circumstances, especially caring for the well being of his father, Master Splinter, more so than the other turtles).
I feel much better now that I've gotten that off my chest... sadly that's not an exaggeration.
I very often talk like I have a firm grip on the line between being an adult and being mature. I still believe there is a difference, but lately I have been wondering if the one is affecting the other, if only indirectly. If being more child-like is keeping me from being more mature in some ways. I honestly believe you can be the one without the other (I think people who are immature and grown up is pretty easy to pull off- why wouldn't the inverse be possible too? If only inversely rare) but the thought that comes to mind: if maybe by differentiating between the two, I'm going on and on about how the one doesn't necessarily correlate to the other without actually making sure the other is where it's supposed to be. That is to say, I'm more worried about telling anyone who calls me immature that I'm child like, but mature- that I don't actually follow up and ensure I am being a mature human being. I love me some ninja turtles- but do I let my love for the TMNT keep me from growing up in different, indirect ways? Not to be overly dramatic, but honestly, do I let childish fancies and my usual silly demeanor and attitude keep me from growing? Is it something that keeps me from connecting better with others, or understanding myself more?
I'm still in a place where it would be inappropriate to talk about a lot that's happening in my heart right now, but I think I'd feel better if I could just say this: Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes, some pretty specific and some very random times, I hurt unbearably so until I'm sick, until I'm weak, until I'm sobbing. It's a pain that is appeased, not released, killed, or put to an end- it comes back. I'm not ready for what it would take to stop it. Right now I feel like my heart would fall off before it would let me try.
Church was a very good experience today. I stopped working on Sundays after they had a pretty potent series on Sabbath, which as a byproduct of this I now drop the term "sabbath" in casual conversation. However, lately I've been using Sundays as a day to catch up on programming, which is decidedly work. As part of my aims to find more time, I'm not going to program on Sundays anymore either which should free up some guaranteed live journal time at least once a week, but also give me a chance to do some of those many things I Can't find time for without the guilt of knowing programming is looming over my shoulder. That is, in many ways, part of the intent of taking the Sabbath- free from work so the mind and body- heck, the spirit can be at rest. I'm at rest best when in motion, in a direction of my choosing I feel, so that freedom of time without guilt will be good. I need to to use this, however, as a... a... what's the word- like a reason to work harder (inspiration I guess, but I'd like a better word) during the rest of the week without that day. I'm starting by waking up an hour early with intent to force myself into programming mood fast and getting work done before my lunch plans, for which I'm quite excited. WOW! I'm tangent hopping, sabbath wasn't even the original reason for this part of my entry... now I'll have to add another...
Today in church, we talked about confession, and we had the opportunity, if we so chose, to write our sins on papers and post them on a board aside the church's walls during the service. The message was about how destructive sin can be when we, as people, try to hide it. I think it's very true. AA and other addict programs have a very fundamental system (from my limited knowledge) of accountability. We simply don't, as humans, have the same strength when answering to ourselves as we do to others. Telling ourselves we'll stop a sinful act (or substance abuse, etc), especially one done behind closed doors, has so much less impact than being able to tell someone your sin and to ask them to hold you accountable. Now you disappoint someone else. Now others will know your failure and now you'll have to speak to someone about your actions. Changes the stakes, changes the mind set, changes the scenario to help us, as people, live up to what we seek to do.
At first I told myself it wouldn't be appropriate to write this in such a public forum... I am ashamed of my sin. Truly it is one of my biggest shames and has been a problem for a long time- one which I fall into in times of depression that causes a lot of self loathing and personal deterioration as I strive to ignore everything and anything to hide the sense of guilt and disgust I begin to feel for myself. It is a problem I think most people wouldn't understand.
The more I think about it, however, the more I realize that as freeing as simply expressing and laying bare my sins on a board in a church, it was pretty clear such an act of vulnerability should be treated with respect; no one read the boards. No one tried to read and match up handwriting or remember who put which card where. It wasn't designed to hold us accountable- it was a matter of simple confession for sins that have passed; between us and the Lord. For what is was, it was amazing... but mine is an on-going sin. Would it be counter-intuitive then, after this powerful message about not hiding our sins to allow that to serve as my release? I'm going to write the next paragraph and then decide if I'll leave it in the post...
I struggle with pornography. I have for a long time. I think it's repulsive and disgusting. I don't think it's harmless, and on a personal level I'm extremely uncomfortable with the concept entirely; of pornography that is. An absolute mockery of what intimacy is meant to be between human beings in this world- but when I get depressed, that is my dark place: not an excuse, just an honest observation. Some drunk friend of my dad used it as a babysitter for me when I was younger- barely double digits I'd guess- my Father was unaware (or so I assume). Anyway- with the power of the internet and my constant need for a connection, there's few places on the planet I can go to be alone when I'm depressed that doesn't have an information super-highway express lane to my vice. An insight to addiction for me I suppose, but I can't hide the booze or stop buying the goods- my hobbies, connections, and even my job are all in the same place as my junky fix. I spent so much of my time terrified people will find out- I'm so embarrassed because I try so hard to be a role model for children- for my brothers... I find it to be inexcusable- for me that is. I have made a clear moral choice that it's entirely wrong and still choose to indulge myself whenever I'm emotionally weak. If others think its acceptable that is their choice, and while I disagree, that's not what this is about. It is something I've decided is wrong and I watch anyway. So many people have tried to tell me it's not a big deal- that it's okay, or that it's not wrong- this isn't about one's individuals belief about the construct- its about mine. It's about my believes and my actions being congruent with one another. I don't know what else to say on the subject other than I hope this can help me stop- if there is no longer a fear of being caught but a downright open truth on the subject, I've nothing left but t better myself for it, and hope I do not lose the respect of others. I'm trying to be a better person and I'm not hiding from anything- If this ever did get to anybody I was trying to be a role model for, and I hope it doesn't, maybe they'd at least get that I'm trying to be better for it. Not that they'd think I'm perfect, but they'd understand we're all human and learn understanding and grace for it. I think at this point I need to keep it in if I'm going to get anywhere.
Damn it...
This is unacceptable- I take what should be a matter expressed to my closest friends for support and guidance, and I turn to a public forum instead. I really need to get over whatever it is that's crippling me from turning to friends for help. Am I just ignoring EVERYTHING for the sake of keeping it together? Am I just constantly on the verge of a breakdown and using ignorance and emptiness as a shield? Maybe if I rattle me hard enough, I'll break? Maybe I really need to test me out- see what I'm still capable of withstanding? I can't tell if time is healing all wounds, or if time is waiting for me to get to a place where he can do his thing... and he's not being particularly vocal about it. It just feels too soon, too fast, too real. I haven't felt this self hatred thing in a long time- 'bout four years I'd venture a guess at. Was it masked or gone? Is it back or am I emulating it? IS it conditional? I'm tired and I'm not happy- I think this was for the better, but right now I just don't know what I'm doing or who I'm hurting or if I'm helping and I want to know. Might make more sense in the morning. Sorry. Really.
And also, Kelly Clarkson songs make me cry.