Nothing can stop me!
Posts made in this LJ are for personal growth, and not meant to obligate readers into spending their precious time attempting to make sense of it. Don't read if you don't want.
I still feel like I'm either not figuring things out, or not letting the things people tell me hit me hard enough. I felt strangely lonely and optimistic tonight- unrelated feelings, mind you, which is where the weirdness came from. I felt good about the world- I saw people who were very happy and it made me happy (never been the type to want others to suffer, even if I was miserable- I hope... Not the best self evaluator either...) but I felt very lonely. I was thinking about before, and somehow in my self reflections lately I'd barely tossed around the idea that I tend to thrive on self pity- or the pity of others. You know the type, and if you know me well enough, odds are you know that's my crutch. I do like to tell stories of woe and pain, it's pretty common in our culture to out-suffer our common man. It can be crippling though, and in all my self reflections, I've barely touched on the subject. Instead of vaguely mentioning and moving past/completely ignoring, I'm going to try and explore this thought. Hrm....
I don't know where to start... Well, I use it for when times get tough- I disable myself with "I can't" or "I don't know" ... I get exceptionally frustrated when people tell me to overcome- scratch that... It would frustrate the heck out of me when Kristie would tell me to overcome it. She was right, and I can't fault her for that- she knew me and could see me doing it- she wanted to help me but I just got so flustered with her ruining my crushing defeat and negating my self wallowing. I'd turn it against her, I know I did, though I doubt she'd admit it- might not even think of it, but I'm sure I turned that frustration towards her. She'd tell me that it wasn't true when I'd say I can't... that's it- so much power behind those words, because when I did accept them and push, I persevered... but it was harder and I didn't keep the lessons; SO important to keep the lessons. I think I just accidentally quoted Beginner's Luck 3... what a nerd. Point is- the times I opened myself up to the idea that I can't was unacceptable- that there was more were the times I succeeded- it sounds hokey, but sometimes, knwoing full well I can, I still say I can't and stick with it. Like I feel stupid when I say I can't and I can, so I really want it to be true, maybe? Or because I'm satisfied with the easy way out, and want the response to be "Oh yes, it IS too hard, here is the easy way which works just as well with no consequences" I suppose. Human nature and all. To overcome it, I must simply remember to savor success then, right? To know when I say I can't, it's not true, and it'll be all the sweeter and very worth it once I do succeed. So easy to write in an LJ- completely different to live, I know. I've journal-ed on this before, but never in a public forum- again hoping it'll force me to stick with it and be a stronger person for it... Easier to write, I know.
I feel weak today- physically and mentally- but not spiritually. There I'm feeling pretty good. Mens ministry began today; a new thing at my church. It felt good to go and be in the community- feel the fellowship. To just open up and talk with other Christians (not just 'cause they were men and manly ones at that) was extremely uplifting and I would have liked to do it more. I'd still like to do it more.The speaker was good and had a great talk about... I'm getting so tired I can't remember very clearly- it was good and so was discussion after. I enjoy listening to others talk when I bother to take the time to do it- I should do so more often.
Sleep is winning- I'm running on low as it is, but it was also a long day. I'll post more soon- this wasn't all I wanted to post tonight.
I still feel like I'm either not figuring things out, or not letting the things people tell me hit me hard enough. I felt strangely lonely and optimistic tonight- unrelated feelings, mind you, which is where the weirdness came from. I felt good about the world- I saw people who were very happy and it made me happy (never been the type to want others to suffer, even if I was miserable- I hope... Not the best self evaluator either...) but I felt very lonely. I was thinking about before, and somehow in my self reflections lately I'd barely tossed around the idea that I tend to thrive on self pity- or the pity of others. You know the type, and if you know me well enough, odds are you know that's my crutch. I do like to tell stories of woe and pain, it's pretty common in our culture to out-suffer our common man. It can be crippling though, and in all my self reflections, I've barely touched on the subject. Instead of vaguely mentioning and moving past/completely ignoring, I'm going to try and explore this thought. Hrm....
I don't know where to start... Well, I use it for when times get tough- I disable myself with "I can't" or "I don't know" ... I get exceptionally frustrated when people tell me to overcome- scratch that... It would frustrate the heck out of me when Kristie would tell me to overcome it. She was right, and I can't fault her for that- she knew me and could see me doing it- she wanted to help me but I just got so flustered with her ruining my crushing defeat and negating my self wallowing. I'd turn it against her, I know I did, though I doubt she'd admit it- might not even think of it, but I'm sure I turned that frustration towards her. She'd tell me that it wasn't true when I'd say I can't... that's it- so much power behind those words, because when I did accept them and push, I persevered... but it was harder and I didn't keep the lessons; SO important to keep the lessons. I think I just accidentally quoted Beginner's Luck 3... what a nerd. Point is- the times I opened myself up to the idea that I can't was unacceptable- that there was more were the times I succeeded- it sounds hokey, but sometimes, knwoing full well I can, I still say I can't and stick with it. Like I feel stupid when I say I can't and I can, so I really want it to be true, maybe? Or because I'm satisfied with the easy way out, and want the response to be "Oh yes, it IS too hard, here is the easy way which works just as well with no consequences" I suppose. Human nature and all. To overcome it, I must simply remember to savor success then, right? To know when I say I can't, it's not true, and it'll be all the sweeter and very worth it once I do succeed. So easy to write in an LJ- completely different to live, I know. I've journal-ed on this before, but never in a public forum- again hoping it'll force me to stick with it and be a stronger person for it... Easier to write, I know.
I feel weak today- physically and mentally- but not spiritually. There I'm feeling pretty good. Mens ministry began today; a new thing at my church. It felt good to go and be in the community- feel the fellowship. To just open up and talk with other Christians (not just 'cause they were men and manly ones at that) was extremely uplifting and I would have liked to do it more. I'd still like to do it more.The speaker was good and had a great talk about... I'm getting so tired I can't remember very clearly- it was good and so was discussion after. I enjoy listening to others talk when I bother to take the time to do it- I should do so more often.
Sleep is winning- I'm running on low as it is, but it was also a long day. I'll post more soon- this wasn't all I wanted to post tonight.