(no subject)
Writing in this public forum is intended for personal growth more than for public spectacle. Read if you so desire, but certainly feel no obligation to.
I haven't gotten much sleep lately- like at all. Last night was the worst in a while, I didn't go to sleep until 6:15, got a call at 7 from my Mom needing my AAA card, and rides 'cause her car broke down- fell asleep for like 15 minutes in the car waiting for the tow truck, then didn't get back to sleep 'til 3 when I unceremoniously passed out for an hour. I usually get sick if I don't super buffer my immune system with sick sauce (Orange Juice with lemon juice mixed in- try it!) but the lat couple days my lack of sleep has been from heavy amounts of programming and it puts strain on the eyes. For this reason I'm writing this entry with my eyes closed and simply seeing ho wI did with spelling and the like when I'm done.... Hopefully I'm not, like, off by a key or don't realized I accidentally clicked the mouse and moved the cursor... Not yet (I checked). I'll add my usual lj-cuts afterward too...
Last week I didn't follow a lot of the resolutions I'd made in here, including going to the well (college group) and not programming on Sinday. It was for good purpose, as a lot of the anxiety I've ben feeling lately has been coming from the sit eI'm programming. I'm almost completely in charge of its creation, construction and completion. I set dates, decide what's feasible and what's too large scale, and it's my job to coordinate efforts from the other programmer, the bard of programming Keyon, and Kristie the graphic artist. The site is months behind what we'd intended, and in my honest opinion, behind where it should be, so it's been sort of a release to push myself to working on that harder (that's where I was on Thursday instead of the college group, which if you don't know is called "The Well" so you don't get confused when I mention it as such instead of prefacing it with "the college group"). It's invigorating to be actually working because it makes that feeling of almost having the site live feel fresh again, and we're actually close BECAUSE I'm working (More analysis has shown me we had quite a bit of work all this time I've been believing we were almost finished). This in some ways has been a good thing- some upgrades to stuff and new versions of things have come out that bring us closer to our vision and that's just another way you can find something good about anything. So, internet- keep me to my resolutions, but this is why I slipped up last week an I feel like it helped me to grow so its ok... whew. THIS week, however, I programmed loads and went to the well.
The conversation at the well tonight got me thinking, again, about a subject that may be moderately unhealthy to be talking about as frequently as I do: marriage and parenthood. I'm a ways off from either, but I really do think family is one of the most important things in the world. Honestly, what could be more important or more difficult then raising a child in this world, right? I mean, my parents divorced before I can remember, my Ma has had two more failed marriages, both jokes, honestly, and my Dad took his time but he SEEMS happy in his new marriage- but for the longest time all I could think of was how both my parents seemed to be unabl to hold on to any kind of committal relationship for long. I mean, being a good husband is SO important to me, and honestly, I'm terrified I just won't be able to.
A lot of those feelings have been coming out since me and Kristie broke up. Again, I know it sounds a bit severe, but really, Kristie is one of the most amazing people on the planet: she's patient, understanding, caring... I mean, if I couldn't make it work there- I really do start to feel like I'm not cut out for relationships and families and baby-making and the works. I'm not one of those people who doesn't care if they get married- isn't worried whether or not they have kids... Also kinda weird is I always jump to stressing about the teenage years, and assume I'm having a teenage daughter (who hates me, of course)... I should probably worry about my eyeballs falling out of my head and dying of sleep deprivation and other more urgent issues. PHYSICALLY, if everything was super fubar, the EARLIEST I could be the parent of a teenage daughter is June of 2023, and I don't see how that situation could possibly come about anyway.
Very much a tangent, despite being on topic, the talk was not just a generic parenting talk, but was about the roles of family members and raising up children in faith and through Christ. It was also about how a man should love his wife as himself and touching on the responsibilities of the Father in a family to be able to live life through Christ (so when he tells his children what to do, he can be sure he's right). It's already kind of a tricky subject and set of passges, here's the one I remember being our reading piece:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians%205:25-32&version=NIV
I've seen sermons on this subject, and I remember I could FEEL the feminist in every women in the church begin to boil as the pastor spoke. It's hard as the scripture does put specifically the male in this kind of role of dominance. Not in the sense of "Man is better, he know good" but sort of as a figurative head of the family given the responsibilities of such a title. That Christ's love should be in man, who should love his wife with Christ's love and that love should trickled down to their children, kinda deal. Pastor Bill did a good job with his end of the talk, so I don't want to TRY and recite it and butcher it, because he approached it in a way that wasn't excusing or avoid-ant- the passage IS referring to a sex-based heirarchy system, but the point people miss is that being the dominant figure doesn't mean you have all the control, but in many ways the opposite. You must serve others best, and you... kinda saying you can't mess up 'cause everyone's countin' on you. I can't really word it well, never have been good at that, but it was very interesting and it made me feel really good about deciding to go. I had more to say on the subject, and it was more concise and on topic and not bouncing around so much- honest- but lack of sleep is catching up to me and my already weakly conveyed thoughts are leavin' me pretty quick. Someone should ASK me about this and I could TALK about it! Have a conversation with a friend instead of an html form... That would be good.
I went on a hike on monday, and it was AWESOME. It was good scenery, good exercise and good company. I think I'd like to make a weekly arrangement out of it, though maybe also go other days and do more climby-type dangerous hikes or if other people'd like to hike with me... I love free-climbing. Speaking of which, I think I want to actually get a gang of people not too ashamed or afraid to play Lava Lasers tag weekly. Maybe even mondays after weekly hikes! It's SUCH a great work out, and frequent playing I've noticed, really shows fast improvements in my physical ability since it gets me to push myself so hard and so quickly... I need to start talking to people and making these things happen! That would bring me satisfaction in large amounts. However, I think that all starts with sleep- which happens now.
I haven't gotten much sleep lately- like at all. Last night was the worst in a while, I didn't go to sleep until 6:15, got a call at 7 from my Mom needing my AAA card, and rides 'cause her car broke down- fell asleep for like 15 minutes in the car waiting for the tow truck, then didn't get back to sleep 'til 3 when I unceremoniously passed out for an hour. I usually get sick if I don't super buffer my immune system with sick sauce (Orange Juice with lemon juice mixed in- try it!) but the lat couple days my lack of sleep has been from heavy amounts of programming and it puts strain on the eyes. For this reason I'm writing this entry with my eyes closed and simply seeing ho wI did with spelling and the like when I'm done.... Hopefully I'm not, like, off by a key or don't realized I accidentally clicked the mouse and moved the cursor... Not yet (I checked). I'll add my usual lj-cuts afterward too...
Last week I didn't follow a lot of the resolutions I'd made in here, including going to the well (college group) and not programming on Sinday. It was for good purpose, as a lot of the anxiety I've ben feeling lately has been coming from the sit eI'm programming. I'm almost completely in charge of its creation, construction and completion. I set dates, decide what's feasible and what's too large scale, and it's my job to coordinate efforts from the other programmer, the bard of programming Keyon, and Kristie the graphic artist. The site is months behind what we'd intended, and in my honest opinion, behind where it should be, so it's been sort of a release to push myself to working on that harder (that's where I was on Thursday instead of the college group, which if you don't know is called "The Well" so you don't get confused when I mention it as such instead of prefacing it with "the college group"). It's invigorating to be actually working because it makes that feeling of almost having the site live feel fresh again, and we're actually close BECAUSE I'm working (More analysis has shown me we had quite a bit of work all this time I've been believing we were almost finished). This in some ways has been a good thing- some upgrades to stuff and new versions of things have come out that bring us closer to our vision and that's just another way you can find something good about anything. So, internet- keep me to my resolutions, but this is why I slipped up last week an I feel like it helped me to grow so its ok... whew. THIS week, however, I programmed loads and went to the well.
The conversation at the well tonight got me thinking, again, about a subject that may be moderately unhealthy to be talking about as frequently as I do: marriage and parenthood. I'm a ways off from either, but I really do think family is one of the most important things in the world. Honestly, what could be more important or more difficult then raising a child in this world, right? I mean, my parents divorced before I can remember, my Ma has had two more failed marriages, both jokes, honestly, and my Dad took his time but he SEEMS happy in his new marriage- but for the longest time all I could think of was how both my parents seemed to be unabl to hold on to any kind of committal relationship for long. I mean, being a good husband is SO important to me, and honestly, I'm terrified I just won't be able to.
A lot of those feelings have been coming out since me and Kristie broke up. Again, I know it sounds a bit severe, but really, Kristie is one of the most amazing people on the planet: she's patient, understanding, caring... I mean, if I couldn't make it work there- I really do start to feel like I'm not cut out for relationships and families and baby-making and the works. I'm not one of those people who doesn't care if they get married- isn't worried whether or not they have kids... Also kinda weird is I always jump to stressing about the teenage years, and assume I'm having a teenage daughter (who hates me, of course)... I should probably worry about my eyeballs falling out of my head and dying of sleep deprivation and other more urgent issues. PHYSICALLY, if everything was super fubar, the EARLIEST I could be the parent of a teenage daughter is June of 2023, and I don't see how that situation could possibly come about anyway.
Very much a tangent, despite being on topic, the talk was not just a generic parenting talk, but was about the roles of family members and raising up children in faith and through Christ. It was also about how a man should love his wife as himself and touching on the responsibilities of the Father in a family to be able to live life through Christ (so when he tells his children what to do, he can be sure he's right). It's already kind of a tricky subject and set of passges, here's the one I remember being our reading piece:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians%205:25-32&version=NIV
I've seen sermons on this subject, and I remember I could FEEL the feminist in every women in the church begin to boil as the pastor spoke. It's hard as the scripture does put specifically the male in this kind of role of dominance. Not in the sense of "Man is better, he know good" but sort of as a figurative head of the family given the responsibilities of such a title. That Christ's love should be in man, who should love his wife with Christ's love and that love should trickled down to their children, kinda deal. Pastor Bill did a good job with his end of the talk, so I don't want to TRY and recite it and butcher it, because he approached it in a way that wasn't excusing or avoid-ant- the passage IS referring to a sex-based heirarchy system, but the point people miss is that being the dominant figure doesn't mean you have all the control, but in many ways the opposite. You must serve others best, and you... kinda saying you can't mess up 'cause everyone's countin' on you. I can't really word it well, never have been good at that, but it was very interesting and it made me feel really good about deciding to go. I had more to say on the subject, and it was more concise and on topic and not bouncing around so much- honest- but lack of sleep is catching up to me and my already weakly conveyed thoughts are leavin' me pretty quick. Someone should ASK me about this and I could TALK about it! Have a conversation with a friend instead of an html form... That would be good.
I went on a hike on monday, and it was AWESOME. It was good scenery, good exercise and good company. I think I'd like to make a weekly arrangement out of it, though maybe also go other days and do more climby-type dangerous hikes or if other people'd like to hike with me... I love free-climbing. Speaking of which, I think I want to actually get a gang of people not too ashamed or afraid to play Lava Lasers tag weekly. Maybe even mondays after weekly hikes! It's SUCH a great work out, and frequent playing I've noticed, really shows fast improvements in my physical ability since it gets me to push myself so hard and so quickly... I need to start talking to people and making these things happen! That would bring me satisfaction in large amounts. However, I think that all starts with sleep- which happens now.