...Everytime
Entries in this public forum are not written with the intent of obligating potential readers to spend their time attempting to read and/or understand it. It's for me and for my own reasons. Read if you'd like, don't if you do not like. Feel free to comment as you see fit.
The power of the human mind over the body is amazing. It can make you sick when you're well, ignore bullet wounds, or even react to things that aren't happening- even on a chemical level. I've seen it like never before the last couple years in others- not in ways I care to think about or remember for the most part. I've always gotten extremely cold when I feel lonely- like I'm suddenly alone in a little league parking lot on a rainy, windy day and I forgot my jacket and whoever was supposed to pick me up forgot cold... wow that's specific- I feel like I should mention nothing like that has ever happened to me because of how specific it is, but it's what rings truest when I try to describe the very specific cold I feel... Kinda backwards that I'm describing a physical feeling to represent an emotion, and I describe the physical feeling with emotional feelings. I'm glad these entries are never checked for making sense.
Today I felt very lonely, but I didn't feel that cold- instead there was a pain in my chest. I have to assume it's where the phrase heartache must have come from- and I've been feeling THAT lonely feeling lately more than that other, I guess you could say familiar lonely feeling. It makes me want to cry, not from pain, but because of how upset it makes me feel that there's this pain that won't go away that reminds me of mental pain, I guess? Like everything is creeping in, like something is building up that I'm not taking care of, but instead of helping me realize what it is so I can deal with it, it just hurts.
Writing it down, it seems pretty obvious I'm ignoring something- hiding from the real source since I talk like I'm so ready to just handle whatever emotional crap I've got going on when nothing could be farther from the truth- I KNOW I try super hard to avoid thinking about things like... well like whatever this is. Grr... LJ's up another point. I'm hiding from dealing with something. I had a great talk the other day with a friend about selfishness and needing to do things for me, which I was all for and agreed wholeheartedly... but I forget a lot of what that actually meant I'd have to DO... what it would mean to be selfish. I use my forgetfulness as an excuse... I have to. There's no way I only forget important crap when I can remember the stats on the Barbarian I ran for the Endurance Party and one other pick up session, the number of pennies in a jar I guessed correctly at my brother's 5th birthday, and more than likely all of the 3-page monologue from Rumors in the tenth grade.
Kristie always tells me every time I say I'm forgetful, I'm making it true- I mean this IS what she's talking about... using it as an excuse, and she's right. That means I DON'T forget, though, right? So I know what it means to be selfish... I need to be able to say no... To be able to say I need time or that I don't like something... Hurts worse now... on to something... I don't want to be alone right now dammit.
I really love Kristie... I want to be her best friend if I can't be more than that... Even if we were to get back together, it wouldn't do me any good to spend between then and now pining for her and not growing myself... I'd destroy the relationship the same way all over again. I have to be my own person- even if we're best friends, I still can't just be stuck on her all the time... I have to be selfish... Kristie certainly isn't demanding of me... so it's a matter of things I deny myself on behalf of her? Is that right?
I'm not honest... I'm a very dishonest person and I hate it... Nothing I hate worse in a person either. I have the power to be such a manipulator and I've abused it in the past. I'm deeply sorry to anyone who even knew me during that phase of my life. I do have to resist the urge, constantly, to be able to paint a prettier picture. This is a problem I had with Kristie that only came to light recently, and by came to light, I mean I realized it. The best liars convince themselves, right? Anyway, I need to fight the urge to give the nice answer because that's never been what Kristie's asked or wanted... I don't like saying anything negative to Kristie, and it's not because of pressure from her (see multiple disclaimers of Kristie's infinite understanding). I guess I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation- my family's confrontations are never about the issue, they're personal attacks with the issue at hand as the theme. I guess I don't have much practice in a confrontation about differing issues with someone I care about... When I actually think about it, I don't know how I'd approach a situation where my significant other had a different opinion... I mean, obviously it's come up before, but I don't know how I dealt with it then... and I can't think of how I'd deal with it now. Communication is key to a good relationship... how messed up is that?
I'm talking about my feelings, but I feel so tip toey because they pertain to Kristie so much. I don't mean that I want to convey private information or anything like that, that's still common decency, but a lot of the time I refuse to talk about things I want to here or with people because I think it would bother Kristie if I didn't come to her with it. We still talk to each other about what's happening in our lives, we're still one another's confidants. I think that's a big part that's eating away at me, is I'm still trying to live up to expectations I set up when we were going out... expectations that don't apply and are mine, not hers, y'know? I'd actually feel better talking about this to her now that I've talked to NOT her about it... I do love her and that won't go away no matter where life takes me, and I'm ok with that.
I'm in a better place right now. I still wish I wasn't alone, but that's ok... I think that's healthy to feel that way. I wanna write more- but it feels weird after all this 'cause it'd be unrelated... I'll write more at a later time. I should get some sleep- got a hike in the morning and then Lava-lasers tag Everyone-is-invited thingie tomorrow at 6 at my grandma's (tomorrow being Monday, 10/19/2009 at 6 PM and YES that WAS an invite). I'm very excited about both!
The power of the human mind over the body is amazing. It can make you sick when you're well, ignore bullet wounds, or even react to things that aren't happening- even on a chemical level. I've seen it like never before the last couple years in others- not in ways I care to think about or remember for the most part. I've always gotten extremely cold when I feel lonely- like I'm suddenly alone in a little league parking lot on a rainy, windy day and I forgot my jacket and whoever was supposed to pick me up forgot cold... wow that's specific- I feel like I should mention nothing like that has ever happened to me because of how specific it is, but it's what rings truest when I try to describe the very specific cold I feel... Kinda backwards that I'm describing a physical feeling to represent an emotion, and I describe the physical feeling with emotional feelings. I'm glad these entries are never checked for making sense.
Today I felt very lonely, but I didn't feel that cold- instead there was a pain in my chest. I have to assume it's where the phrase heartache must have come from- and I've been feeling THAT lonely feeling lately more than that other, I guess you could say familiar lonely feeling. It makes me want to cry, not from pain, but because of how upset it makes me feel that there's this pain that won't go away that reminds me of mental pain, I guess? Like everything is creeping in, like something is building up that I'm not taking care of, but instead of helping me realize what it is so I can deal with it, it just hurts.
Writing it down, it seems pretty obvious I'm ignoring something- hiding from the real source since I talk like I'm so ready to just handle whatever emotional crap I've got going on when nothing could be farther from the truth- I KNOW I try super hard to avoid thinking about things like... well like whatever this is. Grr... LJ's up another point. I'm hiding from dealing with something. I had a great talk the other day with a friend about selfishness and needing to do things for me, which I was all for and agreed wholeheartedly... but I forget a lot of what that actually meant I'd have to DO... what it would mean to be selfish. I use my forgetfulness as an excuse... I have to. There's no way I only forget important crap when I can remember the stats on the Barbarian I ran for the Endurance Party and one other pick up session, the number of pennies in a jar I guessed correctly at my brother's 5th birthday, and more than likely all of the 3-page monologue from Rumors in the tenth grade.
Kristie always tells me every time I say I'm forgetful, I'm making it true- I mean this IS what she's talking about... using it as an excuse, and she's right. That means I DON'T forget, though, right? So I know what it means to be selfish... I need to be able to say no... To be able to say I need time or that I don't like something... Hurts worse now... on to something... I don't want to be alone right now dammit.
I really love Kristie... I want to be her best friend if I can't be more than that... Even if we were to get back together, it wouldn't do me any good to spend between then and now pining for her and not growing myself... I'd destroy the relationship the same way all over again. I have to be my own person- even if we're best friends, I still can't just be stuck on her all the time... I have to be selfish... Kristie certainly isn't demanding of me... so it's a matter of things I deny myself on behalf of her? Is that right?
I'm not honest... I'm a very dishonest person and I hate it... Nothing I hate worse in a person either. I have the power to be such a manipulator and I've abused it in the past. I'm deeply sorry to anyone who even knew me during that phase of my life. I do have to resist the urge, constantly, to be able to paint a prettier picture. This is a problem I had with Kristie that only came to light recently, and by came to light, I mean I realized it. The best liars convince themselves, right? Anyway, I need to fight the urge to give the nice answer because that's never been what Kristie's asked or wanted... I don't like saying anything negative to Kristie, and it's not because of pressure from her (see multiple disclaimers of Kristie's infinite understanding). I guess I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation- my family's confrontations are never about the issue, they're personal attacks with the issue at hand as the theme. I guess I don't have much practice in a confrontation about differing issues with someone I care about... When I actually think about it, I don't know how I'd approach a situation where my significant other had a different opinion... I mean, obviously it's come up before, but I don't know how I dealt with it then... and I can't think of how I'd deal with it now. Communication is key to a good relationship... how messed up is that?
I'm talking about my feelings, but I feel so tip toey because they pertain to Kristie so much. I don't mean that I want to convey private information or anything like that, that's still common decency, but a lot of the time I refuse to talk about things I want to here or with people because I think it would bother Kristie if I didn't come to her with it. We still talk to each other about what's happening in our lives, we're still one another's confidants. I think that's a big part that's eating away at me, is I'm still trying to live up to expectations I set up when we were going out... expectations that don't apply and are mine, not hers, y'know? I'd actually feel better talking about this to her now that I've talked to NOT her about it... I do love her and that won't go away no matter where life takes me, and I'm ok with that.
I'm in a better place right now. I still wish I wasn't alone, but that's ok... I think that's healthy to feel that way. I wanna write more- but it feels weird after all this 'cause it'd be unrelated... I'll write more at a later time. I should get some sleep- got a hike in the morning and then Lava-lasers tag Everyone-is-invited thingie tomorrow at 6 at my grandma's (tomorrow being Monday, 10/19/2009 at 6 PM and YES that WAS an invite). I'm very excited about both!