Too late
The following is an exercise in personal growth and comes with no obligation to be read- in fact, if you're not interested, save your time. I won't be offended or hurt, I'd rather you were honest with yourself and didn't read it if you don't wanna.
I don't know what to do. The mere mention of something that threaten's her happiness puts me in tears- that can't be healthy, right? I know I'm not over her but she has a new boyfriend, so it's not even on me, and still I can't help it. If something even MIGHT make her less happy, I freak out and I'm ready to ball my eyes out uncontrollably. Things have to change, y'know? We're not together anymore so things can't and won't and haven't stayed the same, and that's supposed to happen, but when it's something that I think will make her sad it kills me inside. It wrenches my insides and makes me sick to my gut.
At that point it's gotta be keeping me from moving on, right? But how? I mean- that's how I feel! Kristie isn't asking that of me! I want Kristie to be a part of my life, even if we're not together but is there no way around that keeping me from growing on my own? I know I'm still in love with her- I KNOW I am... I'm trying to move on 'cause I know there's no way to NOT move on, but I'm terrified of it. I'm so scared it'll involve her not being there in some, even small, way (scared of her complete absence, not scared the smallest part of her being in my life will go away, that sounded a little ambiguous and the way I DIDN'T mean it sounded a li'l crazy). I just don't see a why or how it would have to be that way. Do I need to take the time from her? Is that the reality of the situation and I'm fighting it or am I seeing the worst possible scenario (or at least one I don't want) and trying to use that negative feeling as a reason to do the one that generates the most self pity? Gravitate towards the negative so to speak? I'm trying to move on! I even have a crush! Honest! It's one I'm in no place to do anything about or act on because I'm not over Kristie, I'm far too lonely to try to be in a relationship, I can't make myself happy right now let alone try to help another human being do so, and I don't think I'm her type/she'd fancy me back- but that's some kind of progress right?
I really feel like I'm a very positive force in Kristie's life right now. One of the reason's we're still so close is the problems we had were ones that made it hard for us to be together in a relationship- not things that kept us from being friends (like being annoyed at each other all the time or something). It's not a reason to still try to be close to her if it's unhealthy for me- I know and believe that, but I'm not even sure it IS unhealthy for us to still be close like some folk have been assuming and trying to tell me- I would- if I honestly felt it was unhealthy for me or keeping me- say I'm sorry I need to be away from you right now- it's not that we see each other often, but we do see each other, we do talk. I can't rationalize not being there for her if I don't really believe it's hurting me because she has an awful lot on her plate and is making a lot of the right, responsible choices and she's getting hardwork and heartache for it, and I really respect that she's doing it. I don't want to take something good away from her when she's got so much workin' against her...
Maybe I shouldn't take this into account... but I'm not a robot logic engine- there are factors that are important to me. Begin a good friend is important to me... I just need to prioritize and think harder on if it is or isn't hurting me, because in some respects it is an issue I sometimes avoid- see the lj-cut before about the crying whenever something threatens her happiness... Did I just make a loop- this feels like it leads into my first lj-cut... that's not helpful. That's a straight up cycle in my throught process- it's not even really metaphorical... it's pretty much literal...
To NOT move backwards, I've no intention to get back with Kristie, which I've already seen some people who hear me say we're still close think I'm keeping myself on the ready for- to leap back into her arms the moment she asks me. It's not that at all- I wouldn't. I'm in no place for it and it's not even what I want, it would defeat the purpose of so much we've both been working towards... I'm recognizing the fear more and more of letting go- another thing I will hurt Kristie in some way- to parts I still haven't been able to bring myself to. I do need to be more honest though... I haven't been and that keeps me from moving on and is my fault- my doing. Being honest is something I need to be able to do and it's something I'm still scared of- that'll help. That'll help me do the moving on and figure out what I need.
It's been a long time since I've posted- 12 days- a lot longer than I wanted to keep away, but while I was sick nothing really went on and I was pretty hardcore campaigning Kingdom Heats 2 while bedridden- like, the computer was too hard to use most the time, so there's more I have on my mind I know I still won't get to all of.
I have a problem with alcohol on a very personal level. I will never touch the stuff and I'm getting awful tired of the ridiculous way it makes people act and the volume of lives it consumes. It's a social construct people accept and enjoy so no one challenges it or all the problems it causes- all the acts it excuses, big and small. I'm done trying my hardest to enjoy myself at parties where a majority of its attendees are inebriated. It's personal- not a statement of its many evils and the damning of those who partake- but I'm very, very done with trying to put up with it and tell myself and others I'm having fun.
I'll stick to MY parties- with no drinking and no nonsense. Fun that doesn't come from using chemicals to simulate enjoying myself, or "enabling" me to have a good time. Without having to protect people from grabby hands or excused "ogglers." I don't have fun and I just make other people feel guilty- usually the ones who can control themselves BETTER are the ones feeling guilty, and not the ones who genuinely make me uncomfortable- but even still, just the environment makes me miserable. I also hope that, as much as they didn't enjoy it, the two parties I accidentally brought my brothers too- unaware of the alcohol factor- have dissuaded them from drinking anytime soon.
Another issue (connection? my brothers' dad is/was an alcoholic) is the focus put on Fathers. I heard the song 'Father of Mine' the other day- it's a good song, but it got me thinking about how often we focus on the Father that wasn't there. Usually glorified or made into some kind of tragedy, the thing that bothers me so much with so much attention put into blaming that missing father or praise in his return, there's almost never enough attention given to the Mother who raised that kid by their lonesome. It isn't right- I know my Mom got some help from my Dad, but none from my Step Dad. My brothers have almost no respect for how much she's given to both of them- given up for both of them. We do live in a male dominated society, but it doesn't feel right. I hope Nick stops glorifying his Father, whose in my opinion is nothing more than a Disneyland dad at times, and not even a good one at that. He pretty much only saw him when Nick's was mad at Mom, which hasn't helped things there, and he got to watch R rated movies and do whatever he wanted. No Disneyland in there- just the escape from problems putting him in the hero position when he was never really there for him, and certainly not like Mom was. It bothers me, like many other double standards between men and women, that there is so much attention given to these males who aren't even there.
Thank you, Moms, or any parent/guardian who was left to raise a child alone. Thanks, MY Mom, you always showed me you loved me and I know you're trying your best with Nick and Alex. They love you and they'll come around.
I have a little sister who I love very dearly and want to do everything to protect and be there for. It also reminds me I have two awesome brothers who I'll love forever and still look up to me in little ways, and I want to be there for them and help them too. There are other people in my life who, I think, look up to me that I can be a good example for/to. I hope to be. I'm trying to be. It's hard not smothering and letting her live her life- make choices and mistakes- but I know for sure the only way they have a chance of getting it right is by loving them, giving them good attention, and giving them room to grow. You can't force them to do the right thing if you want them to do the right thing for real and for good. Destiny's Dad is my Dad, and due to extenuating circumstances he's out of the picture for her. I don't know her stepdad, but he's not her Father and he's not enough, I'm sure of it. I want to be there for her and thank you so much to the people who are helping me with that. I have some great friends who I know have my back in that way and so many other ways and I love you all that much more for it. Thank you.
What the hell is Asperger's Syndrome? I'm really tired of learning new ways people can be mentally handicapped and not know it. I wore an awesome Captain Malcolm Reynolds costume for All Hallow's Eve and I hope someone got a good picture of it. I'm STILL a li'l sick so I should really get some sleep so I'm well for the hike in the morning, I won't miss it again, and ITG tomorrow FINALLY after a month. I don't think I'm avoiding the original topic of this LJ- it's just been a while since I've posted and I've had a lot I wanted to write about... I don't want to hurt anyone, and I really wanna be there for people, I just don't want to be annoying, always trying to find people in pain to be their "hero" 'cause my hero complex doesn't need to get any bigger. In fact, I should probably take effort to get over that so I can genuinely and more clearly see where and how I can help people. I can't remember the name of that thingie written by C. S. Lewis where the excerpt about Pride being the deadliest sin we, as Christians, face and how it's a very Christian specific kind of sin. I don't remember it very well, but it was very interesting and I want to read the whole thing- I guess I could google all his works and look at all the Christiany ones. I think I need to get better at the "...first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. (Matthew 7:3)" for serious. I'm so all over the place tonight.
Right. Sleep.
I don't know what to do. The mere mention of something that threaten's her happiness puts me in tears- that can't be healthy, right? I know I'm not over her but she has a new boyfriend, so it's not even on me, and still I can't help it. If something even MIGHT make her less happy, I freak out and I'm ready to ball my eyes out uncontrollably. Things have to change, y'know? We're not together anymore so things can't and won't and haven't stayed the same, and that's supposed to happen, but when it's something that I think will make her sad it kills me inside. It wrenches my insides and makes me sick to my gut.
At that point it's gotta be keeping me from moving on, right? But how? I mean- that's how I feel! Kristie isn't asking that of me! I want Kristie to be a part of my life, even if we're not together but is there no way around that keeping me from growing on my own? I know I'm still in love with her- I KNOW I am... I'm trying to move on 'cause I know there's no way to NOT move on, but I'm terrified of it. I'm so scared it'll involve her not being there in some, even small, way (scared of her complete absence, not scared the smallest part of her being in my life will go away, that sounded a little ambiguous and the way I DIDN'T mean it sounded a li'l crazy). I just don't see a why or how it would have to be that way. Do I need to take the time from her? Is that the reality of the situation and I'm fighting it or am I seeing the worst possible scenario (or at least one I don't want) and trying to use that negative feeling as a reason to do the one that generates the most self pity? Gravitate towards the negative so to speak? I'm trying to move on! I even have a crush! Honest! It's one I'm in no place to do anything about or act on because I'm not over Kristie, I'm far too lonely to try to be in a relationship, I can't make myself happy right now let alone try to help another human being do so, and I don't think I'm her type/she'd fancy me back- but that's some kind of progress right?
I really feel like I'm a very positive force in Kristie's life right now. One of the reason's we're still so close is the problems we had were ones that made it hard for us to be together in a relationship- not things that kept us from being friends (like being annoyed at each other all the time or something). It's not a reason to still try to be close to her if it's unhealthy for me- I know and believe that, but I'm not even sure it IS unhealthy for us to still be close like some folk have been assuming and trying to tell me- I would- if I honestly felt it was unhealthy for me or keeping me- say I'm sorry I need to be away from you right now- it's not that we see each other often, but we do see each other, we do talk. I can't rationalize not being there for her if I don't really believe it's hurting me because she has an awful lot on her plate and is making a lot of the right, responsible choices and she's getting hardwork and heartache for it, and I really respect that she's doing it. I don't want to take something good away from her when she's got so much workin' against her...
Maybe I shouldn't take this into account... but I'm not a robot logic engine- there are factors that are important to me. Begin a good friend is important to me... I just need to prioritize and think harder on if it is or isn't hurting me, because in some respects it is an issue I sometimes avoid- see the lj-cut before about the crying whenever something threatens her happiness... Did I just make a loop- this feels like it leads into my first lj-cut... that's not helpful. That's a straight up cycle in my throught process- it's not even really metaphorical... it's pretty much literal...
To NOT move backwards, I've no intention to get back with Kristie, which I've already seen some people who hear me say we're still close think I'm keeping myself on the ready for- to leap back into her arms the moment she asks me. It's not that at all- I wouldn't. I'm in no place for it and it's not even what I want, it would defeat the purpose of so much we've both been working towards... I'm recognizing the fear more and more of letting go- another thing I will hurt Kristie in some way- to parts I still haven't been able to bring myself to. I do need to be more honest though... I haven't been and that keeps me from moving on and is my fault- my doing. Being honest is something I need to be able to do and it's something I'm still scared of- that'll help. That'll help me do the moving on and figure out what I need.
It's been a long time since I've posted- 12 days- a lot longer than I wanted to keep away, but while I was sick nothing really went on and I was pretty hardcore campaigning Kingdom Heats 2 while bedridden- like, the computer was too hard to use most the time, so there's more I have on my mind I know I still won't get to all of.
I have a problem with alcohol on a very personal level. I will never touch the stuff and I'm getting awful tired of the ridiculous way it makes people act and the volume of lives it consumes. It's a social construct people accept and enjoy so no one challenges it or all the problems it causes- all the acts it excuses, big and small. I'm done trying my hardest to enjoy myself at parties where a majority of its attendees are inebriated. It's personal- not a statement of its many evils and the damning of those who partake- but I'm very, very done with trying to put up with it and tell myself and others I'm having fun.
I'll stick to MY parties- with no drinking and no nonsense. Fun that doesn't come from using chemicals to simulate enjoying myself, or "enabling" me to have a good time. Without having to protect people from grabby hands or excused "ogglers." I don't have fun and I just make other people feel guilty- usually the ones who can control themselves BETTER are the ones feeling guilty, and not the ones who genuinely make me uncomfortable- but even still, just the environment makes me miserable. I also hope that, as much as they didn't enjoy it, the two parties I accidentally brought my brothers too- unaware of the alcohol factor- have dissuaded them from drinking anytime soon.
Another issue (connection? my brothers' dad is/was an alcoholic) is the focus put on Fathers. I heard the song 'Father of Mine' the other day- it's a good song, but it got me thinking about how often we focus on the Father that wasn't there. Usually glorified or made into some kind of tragedy, the thing that bothers me so much with so much attention put into blaming that missing father or praise in his return, there's almost never enough attention given to the Mother who raised that kid by their lonesome. It isn't right- I know my Mom got some help from my Dad, but none from my Step Dad. My brothers have almost no respect for how much she's given to both of them- given up for both of them. We do live in a male dominated society, but it doesn't feel right. I hope Nick stops glorifying his Father, whose in my opinion is nothing more than a Disneyland dad at times, and not even a good one at that. He pretty much only saw him when Nick's was mad at Mom, which hasn't helped things there, and he got to watch R rated movies and do whatever he wanted. No Disneyland in there- just the escape from problems putting him in the hero position when he was never really there for him, and certainly not like Mom was. It bothers me, like many other double standards between men and women, that there is so much attention given to these males who aren't even there.
Thank you, Moms, or any parent/guardian who was left to raise a child alone. Thanks, MY Mom, you always showed me you loved me and I know you're trying your best with Nick and Alex. They love you and they'll come around.
I have a little sister who I love very dearly and want to do everything to protect and be there for. It also reminds me I have two awesome brothers who I'll love forever and still look up to me in little ways, and I want to be there for them and help them too. There are other people in my life who, I think, look up to me that I can be a good example for/to. I hope to be. I'm trying to be. It's hard not smothering and letting her live her life- make choices and mistakes- but I know for sure the only way they have a chance of getting it right is by loving them, giving them good attention, and giving them room to grow. You can't force them to do the right thing if you want them to do the right thing for real and for good. Destiny's Dad is my Dad, and due to extenuating circumstances he's out of the picture for her. I don't know her stepdad, but he's not her Father and he's not enough, I'm sure of it. I want to be there for her and thank you so much to the people who are helping me with that. I have some great friends who I know have my back in that way and so many other ways and I love you all that much more for it. Thank you.
What the hell is Asperger's Syndrome? I'm really tired of learning new ways people can be mentally handicapped and not know it. I wore an awesome Captain Malcolm Reynolds costume for All Hallow's Eve and I hope someone got a good picture of it. I'm STILL a li'l sick so I should really get some sleep so I'm well for the hike in the morning, I won't miss it again, and ITG tomorrow FINALLY after a month. I don't think I'm avoiding the original topic of this LJ- it's just been a while since I've posted and I've had a lot I wanted to write about... I don't want to hurt anyone, and I really wanna be there for people, I just don't want to be annoying, always trying to find people in pain to be their "hero" 'cause my hero complex doesn't need to get any bigger. In fact, I should probably take effort to get over that so I can genuinely and more clearly see where and how I can help people. I can't remember the name of that thingie written by C. S. Lewis where the excerpt about Pride being the deadliest sin we, as Christians, face and how it's a very Christian specific kind of sin. I don't remember it very well, but it was very interesting and I want to read the whole thing- I guess I could google all his works and look at all the Christiany ones. I think I need to get better at the "...first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. (Matthew 7:3)" for serious. I'm so all over the place tonight.
Right. Sleep.