Can't hike...
This lj is written as an attempt at personal growth, though no guarantees are made. Others are not expected to read it, and frankly it's considered a little silly giving the illogical ramblins contained. Please feel no obligation to read, and certainly feel no obligation to comment.
I'm not sure what I can write on here that isn't hurtful or frustrating, for myself or others. Obviously it would seem I'm going to try. I think I've been excessively insensitive enough as it is. I'm not good at the uninvolved, and I think that's where I'm left at this current juncture. Vague and Ambiguous facebook statuses are just frustrating or worrying people when that's not what I want either... I just want to help because I care and don't think I'm much good for anything in my position. It's not a matter of foregiveness, so "Sorry" doesn't cut it, though I'm prone to apologizing anyway, and profusely, hoping to ebb the pain with it. Kristie has shown time and time again that is in no way helpful, and it's one more lesson I'm taking my sweet time learning. I'm sure my hero complex is involved, but I desperately want to do something, and caring and useless are not my favorite combination.
I do feel a need to explain myself, but I already have to thems that matter. It's weird- I get frustrated because people always assume I'm in the right, that I need sympathy or care, and it just ain't so all the time. I know I do the same thing, but being in the position, sometimes I just feel like people had something DIFFERENT than the same response as if you were the victim. It's I'm sorry, hope you feel better, it'll work out alright... I mean, it's kind, I'm not saying friends do something wrong- but it makes me feel like they don't get what actually transpired, also likely untrue. Just feelings that maybe I need to get over, likely as a result of guilt. It drove Kristie nuts that she felt like, when we were going through hard times, people would assume I was the one being wronged. I'm a presence, so people notice me... I wear my emotions on my sleeve to a fault sometimes, especially with Kristie who buries it... and I do come across as a nice guy, which I try to be, but when I blow it, it's always big. It's always that mistake you see a BAD person being like "That ain't right. I'd never do somethin' that messed up" .... maybe that's an exaggeration but maybe it ain't. Point is, it just made things worse because I feel like folk aren't seeing who needs the healing- I don't think I've ever wronged someone who hasn't forgiven me- so that's not what I'm looking for... I'm a male who wants every situation resolved, I s'pose. None of this time will heal, nothing you can do bull crap. Hell this entire LJ entry is an effort to appease my guilt... I just hope it helps more than that, and maybe more than me.
I'm not gonna lie- I feel like right now I'm back to square one. If I'd have been more patient- waited 'til the loneliness was gone instead of finding someone who made it go away- I'd have done it right maybe. I talked to folk about it, I cautioned myself through LJ and other mediums to take it slow... I think I pretty much wrote it somewhere exactly- maybe not on here- that I had to be careful; that... moving too fast, no matter how much I cared, would be partially driven by a desire to get back to that comfort and safety- and that wouldn't be for a person, it would be for me: a lonely person's mistake. It's exactly what I did and I used every excuse in the world to justify it and I did it wrong.
I'm not remotely over Kristie, and for at least a little while, I'm going to be stuck on trying to get her back, though she's made it pretty clear it isn't going to happen, that's what's happening in my heart. We had a very important conversation and I think if I have to move on, if I I do have to try and get past this, I may have the foundation to do it right, but it does put the last 6 or so months figuratively nowhere on progress in that situation. It's lost me more than I've gained, sad to say, and I lost a lot, too. It happened fast and wasn't long, but time is relative and a lot in the making. I can't say anything helpful on the subject, so I guess I'm done writing, probably for a while on here.
Also, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure what I can write on here that isn't hurtful or frustrating, for myself or others. Obviously it would seem I'm going to try. I think I've been excessively insensitive enough as it is. I'm not good at the uninvolved, and I think that's where I'm left at this current juncture. Vague and Ambiguous facebook statuses are just frustrating or worrying people when that's not what I want either... I just want to help because I care and don't think I'm much good for anything in my position. It's not a matter of foregiveness, so "Sorry" doesn't cut it, though I'm prone to apologizing anyway, and profusely, hoping to ebb the pain with it. Kristie has shown time and time again that is in no way helpful, and it's one more lesson I'm taking my sweet time learning. I'm sure my hero complex is involved, but I desperately want to do something, and caring and useless are not my favorite combination.
I do feel a need to explain myself, but I already have to thems that matter. It's weird- I get frustrated because people always assume I'm in the right, that I need sympathy or care, and it just ain't so all the time. I know I do the same thing, but being in the position, sometimes I just feel like people had something DIFFERENT than the same response as if you were the victim. It's I'm sorry, hope you feel better, it'll work out alright... I mean, it's kind, I'm not saying friends do something wrong- but it makes me feel like they don't get what actually transpired, also likely untrue. Just feelings that maybe I need to get over, likely as a result of guilt. It drove Kristie nuts that she felt like, when we were going through hard times, people would assume I was the one being wronged. I'm a presence, so people notice me... I wear my emotions on my sleeve to a fault sometimes, especially with Kristie who buries it... and I do come across as a nice guy, which I try to be, but when I blow it, it's always big. It's always that mistake you see a BAD person being like "That ain't right. I'd never do somethin' that messed up" .... maybe that's an exaggeration but maybe it ain't. Point is, it just made things worse because I feel like folk aren't seeing who needs the healing- I don't think I've ever wronged someone who hasn't forgiven me- so that's not what I'm looking for... I'm a male who wants every situation resolved, I s'pose. None of this time will heal, nothing you can do bull crap. Hell this entire LJ entry is an effort to appease my guilt... I just hope it helps more than that, and maybe more than me.
I'm not gonna lie- I feel like right now I'm back to square one. If I'd have been more patient- waited 'til the loneliness was gone instead of finding someone who made it go away- I'd have done it right maybe. I talked to folk about it, I cautioned myself through LJ and other mediums to take it slow... I think I pretty much wrote it somewhere exactly- maybe not on here- that I had to be careful; that... moving too fast, no matter how much I cared, would be partially driven by a desire to get back to that comfort and safety- and that wouldn't be for a person, it would be for me: a lonely person's mistake. It's exactly what I did and I used every excuse in the world to justify it and I did it wrong.
I'm not remotely over Kristie, and for at least a little while, I'm going to be stuck on trying to get her back, though she's made it pretty clear it isn't going to happen, that's what's happening in my heart. We had a very important conversation and I think if I have to move on, if I I do have to try and get past this, I may have the foundation to do it right, but it does put the last 6 or so months figuratively nowhere on progress in that situation. It's lost me more than I've gained, sad to say, and I lost a lot, too. It happened fast and wasn't long, but time is relative and a lot in the making. I can't say anything helpful on the subject, so I guess I'm done writing, probably for a while on here.
Also, I'm sorry.