Less with the cryptic and more with the specific... maybe...
This LJ is not written with the intent to be read so much as the intent to be written. It's already been written, but feel no obligation to read it.
Right now I'm lonely. Lonely people don't make good significant others. I need to be able to be happy completely by my lonesome in respect to a romantic relationship before I'm ready to be involved in one. The truth should be the same for anyone. I'm not there. Period. I need to be ok with that and take the steps to be there for myself. I have friends a plenty and that's not what I'm lonely for, I'm aware of this. The next step is growth, and it's hard. It's ambiguous, it's scary, it's an unknown to me and I don't necessary like it, but I want it.
I don't hate, but I am afraid. Afraid I'll regret the choice I make regardless. Afraid that the things I want in my loneliness aren't always consistent. Afraid to not want desperately and in an unhealthy manor the women I love and care for- that unhealthy dependance gets confused for that blessed version of needing one another lovers possess. The two are not the same, are not mutually exclusive, are not easy to separate some times. I'm afraid of dishonesty.
With Renee, I chose deliberately to be completely and openly honest about anything from the start, which was easire because I knew she read this- i knew she'd know the darker things I journaled on here. Kristie I've spoken to about every subject at length,have divulged together with her so deeply into both our minds, and have done so much to empathize for one another... and yet, there are so many bad habits, so many habitual problems that made life and love harder while we were together and old habits die hard.
Kristie doesn't know I journal here, if I'm not mistaken. I haven't brought myself to tell her for many reasons- this is where I vent and often I think she may feel awkward about what is written in here- this is sometimes where I go when I don't want to vent to her or don't want her to, necessarily, know something. In that way it' been dishonest, but I DO need to be able to take my problems elsewhere even though we're close, for me. I need to be able to share with more than just her, and yet there's a dishonesty about writing in here and- not LYING- but not telling her I have been. Not saying I have when she asks if I journal or talk to anyone. I feel like I should tell her, and I write it here to finally see that it's so, despite thinking it as loudly as I can for some time. It's just weird.. but It's another way for us to get coser, maybe. I need to figure things out for me, first though... Still- I hate the dishonesty of it. I'll figure it out. I have a lot of that to do anyway, so it's not out of my way.
Sleep wins... again.
Right now I'm lonely. Lonely people don't make good significant others. I need to be able to be happy completely by my lonesome in respect to a romantic relationship before I'm ready to be involved in one. The truth should be the same for anyone. I'm not there. Period. I need to be ok with that and take the steps to be there for myself. I have friends a plenty and that's not what I'm lonely for, I'm aware of this. The next step is growth, and it's hard. It's ambiguous, it's scary, it's an unknown to me and I don't necessary like it, but I want it.
I don't hate, but I am afraid. Afraid I'll regret the choice I make regardless. Afraid that the things I want in my loneliness aren't always consistent. Afraid to not want desperately and in an unhealthy manor the women I love and care for- that unhealthy dependance gets confused for that blessed version of needing one another lovers possess. The two are not the same, are not mutually exclusive, are not easy to separate some times. I'm afraid of dishonesty.
With Renee, I chose deliberately to be completely and openly honest about anything from the start, which was easire because I knew she read this- i knew she'd know the darker things I journaled on here. Kristie I've spoken to about every subject at length,have divulged together with her so deeply into both our minds, and have done so much to empathize for one another... and yet, there are so many bad habits, so many habitual problems that made life and love harder while we were together and old habits die hard.
Kristie doesn't know I journal here, if I'm not mistaken. I haven't brought myself to tell her for many reasons- this is where I vent and often I think she may feel awkward about what is written in here- this is sometimes where I go when I don't want to vent to her or don't want her to, necessarily, know something. In that way it' been dishonest, but I DO need to be able to take my problems elsewhere even though we're close, for me. I need to be able to share with more than just her, and yet there's a dishonesty about writing in here and- not LYING- but not telling her I have been. Not saying I have when she asks if I journal or talk to anyone. I feel like I should tell her, and I write it here to finally see that it's so, despite thinking it as loudly as I can for some time. It's just weird.. but It's another way for us to get coser, maybe. I need to figure things out for me, first though... Still- I hate the dishonesty of it. I'll figure it out. I have a lot of that to do anyway, so it's not out of my way.
Sleep wins... again.