"It's raining because California is bipolar, and it LOVES the drama"
The following is written with the intent for me to grow from it, but is not meant to obligate others into reading it- please do so if you wish, but feel no obligation or pressure. Really.
Tonight was a night to be strong, and so I am. Strong, that is. I'm being strong tonight. I saw a lot of strength and weakness tonight. I saw a lot of honesty in what I thought would be a breeding ground for dishonesty and half truths. I saw a lot of love in a time where people were wrapped in pain and hurt. I saw hope and fear, trust and mistrust, pain and healing. What happened tonight is what it is. I think I'd add to the negative by trying to post any opinion or argument that could start to lead to side taking and preaching and all that. No one is perfectly in the right and no one is completely at fault, though I understand if some disagree with that, this isn't about others right here, in this place, right now. I want to talk to them in person, hear their feelings and thoughts, see where my input could be helpful or wanted and give what I can of it. Without elaborating on what happened, what I want to say about tonight may not mean much to some or anyone, but this isn't for them.
I saw strength tonight in the way people were adamant about going to help people- any people- even if there was bad blood or ongoing feuds, when safety was at stake, people took up arms for one another. I saw unquestioning loyalty and unwavering devotion. It inspired me in a small way to see someone else have no question or hesitation about what must be done for his fellow man, when even I was unsure of how to address the situation or do something.
I saw love tonight in the way people cared for theirs. Sometimes people don't realize that caring for your significant other is still a form of selfishness, but even still, there is something beautiful when it's just two people who care about each other being able to say right now, all I Care about is that you're ok; no conditions, no "if you're right"... just what can I do to make you feel better right now, and we can sort the rest out later. Sometims people need that. Sometimes people need to be loved first and I saw that in a couple of beautiful ways tonight, whether other people saw, noticed or even realized.
I saw reason tonight in the way people could attest for their mistakes. Even if the admission didn't carry weight in the long run or was made light of, people were able to address their own wrongs. That's hard to do, and we become picky because defense mechanisms soil the purity of it, which is frustrating. The ever popular "I'm sorry, but..." takes a fair licking, and it isn't right... but apologies are made in an attempt to wrong some rights and THAT means something. I saw people do all in their power to do the right, which tends to mean hard, thing. We could all benefit from, not only doing more to recognize our faults, but also to understand they carry a weight with them. We ARE responsible for our weaknesses as much as our strengths... I saw people taking steps to this, which is something hard and must be worked towards, and I saw it.
Things are bad right now, but most of what happened tonight seems to be the first step towards, or the precursor to, everything getting better. Things'll get better; they always do.
It's going to take time to be where I want to be, personally. Where I want to be with my loneliness and my feelings. I do bounce around so- it's honestly getting so drastic it's out of character for me. I go from wanting to throw myself at Kristie's feet to wanting to be with her but take it slowly to wanting to be alone for a long time to wanting to be with Renee to wanting to not talk or see either of them to not wanting to be in contact with anyone to contemplating polygamy which I don't remotely believe in, to wondering what all the sleeze balls who just kinda sleep around feel like and if I could pull it off- all this bouncing around from moment to moment. It gets uglier from there, if you can believe it. Point is, in a moment of clarity I could actually see what being comfortable alone looked like. Healthy aone- balanced. What it could do for me and how I could feel, wherever that is in relationship to now. I want to say that means it's close, but I know better. Seeing something and LIVING something are very different with a lot of important steps in between. I can't try to skip those again. I just am constantly obsessed with time... I could never have enough. The thought that I just have to let a lot of that slip through my hands without being somewhere I want to be already is hard on me. It's going to get harder and I need to either let it get harder, or make it get harder.
Self evaluation is a very good thing. Writing here helps me do so, as I discussed on here I think at some point, but so does the old fashioned "conversation". Talked with Seth yesterday- something I haven't done in a fortnight, and it was good. He looks out for me, but he comes across as thinking he knows everything and has all the answers- also something we discussed as we got on to the subject of personal weaknesses and strengths.
The conversation came about to the idea that my greatest weakness is a fear of life. I am for some reason deeply afraid of my Father, who has never harmed a hair on my head or even been a remotely bad Father. I was terrified in many ways of many things when me and Kristie were going out- so much so I acted irrationally because of fears that had no substance... fear of disappointing Kristie, hurting Kristie, being insensitive to Kristie... as I think I've said, most often my irrational behavior because one of a dozen unprovoked fears I had made things hard between us- made Kristie come across as an antoagonist to some, I fear, because of my reactions. I've come to realize my struggle with honesty and habit of "Sugar Coating" things not only caused problems between Kristie, but I would perpetuate the sugar coating to friends to be consistent with what I said to Kristie. When it was clear I was doing that, it made Kristie seem like she gave me reason to feel th need to sugar coat the truth when things were clearly not on the up and up.
Wow, tangent, though relative, he went on to cite me being afraid of moving out, afraid of using my degree to find a more solid job, a lot of fine examples where, I agree, I let fear run a lot of my life. He comments it is in some ways a great strength because I am cautious, for myself and for others, but the more I think about this, the more I think I've failed sufficiently in that department as well, but that's another story. It made the fact that hanging over certain death and being next to fearless is so freeing to me. What OTHERS would fear, I am ok with, it's the everyday stuff that terrifies me. The fear of pain is far worse than pain itself for me, kind of thing. I could deal with Kristie being hurt by a truth and make things right, but I was terrified of Kristie being hurt. The fear, the fear, the fear...
I'm getting tired and I forget now the main idea behind this entire section- something more conclusive and poignant than what I'm thinking of now, I'm sure of it. I need to be more fearless- I need to challenge myself in some way that would terrify me. I don't think I'm sure how to do that yet. I have more self evaluation to do and I have more to learn from what I know. I need to not be afraid, though, of this I am certain. I need to not let it control me and run my life, affect my decisions or my actions to greatly. Make it healthy- make it right kinda thing.
I hope everyone can take a moment, maybe not now, but sometime soon, and think on this. Every argument has two sides, and there doesn't have to be a right and a wrong. There isn't a right and wrong way to deal with a situation- a communication, an altercation, a transaction... sometimes we can't see past our own parts. We don't see where the other would be right because we have to affirm our position. We don't see the way we handle things aren't consistent with how others do. That doesn't make us right and them wrong or vice versa. I think the answer is in compromise... in balance... but that's harder to get to than it seems. We all love each other. That won't change. I'm NOT just talking to the people involved in the madness tonight. We ALL love each other. We're human and we're good folk. We shouldn't ever be limited to what we can see if we can help it and we shouldn't miss an opportunity to love our fellow man or love ourselves. In time... in time every relationship can mend... Right and wrong are an illusion- are an abstract- are a relative and subjective construct- and frankly they don't matter. Happiness matters. Harmony and peace matters. Love matters. It'll happen the right way eventually and the love is there even when we can't see it.
I hope people don't think I'm just throwing around the word love because it's pretty it sounds good- my definition for the word love remains fairly consistent in reference in the above. If I haven't already, at some point I'll rant about how much I hate the overuse of the word love when really the reason we can overuse it is because love has so many different meanings and uses it's an easy out to having to find deeper more specific meaning in our words... Had to specify because I can't stand the over generalization of the word instead of using it's individual, beautiful meanings appropriately and deliberately.
Wow, I got really tired near the end there... man I hope this stuff makes sense in the morning when I'm a bit more awake to read it. I love you guys, all y'all, seriously. G'night.
Tonight was a night to be strong, and so I am. Strong, that is. I'm being strong tonight. I saw a lot of strength and weakness tonight. I saw a lot of honesty in what I thought would be a breeding ground for dishonesty and half truths. I saw a lot of love in a time where people were wrapped in pain and hurt. I saw hope and fear, trust and mistrust, pain and healing. What happened tonight is what it is. I think I'd add to the negative by trying to post any opinion or argument that could start to lead to side taking and preaching and all that. No one is perfectly in the right and no one is completely at fault, though I understand if some disagree with that, this isn't about others right here, in this place, right now. I want to talk to them in person, hear their feelings and thoughts, see where my input could be helpful or wanted and give what I can of it. Without elaborating on what happened, what I want to say about tonight may not mean much to some or anyone, but this isn't for them.
I saw strength tonight in the way people were adamant about going to help people- any people- even if there was bad blood or ongoing feuds, when safety was at stake, people took up arms for one another. I saw unquestioning loyalty and unwavering devotion. It inspired me in a small way to see someone else have no question or hesitation about what must be done for his fellow man, when even I was unsure of how to address the situation or do something.
I saw love tonight in the way people cared for theirs. Sometimes people don't realize that caring for your significant other is still a form of selfishness, but even still, there is something beautiful when it's just two people who care about each other being able to say right now, all I Care about is that you're ok; no conditions, no "if you're right"... just what can I do to make you feel better right now, and we can sort the rest out later. Sometims people need that. Sometimes people need to be loved first and I saw that in a couple of beautiful ways tonight, whether other people saw, noticed or even realized.
I saw reason tonight in the way people could attest for their mistakes. Even if the admission didn't carry weight in the long run or was made light of, people were able to address their own wrongs. That's hard to do, and we become picky because defense mechanisms soil the purity of it, which is frustrating. The ever popular "I'm sorry, but..." takes a fair licking, and it isn't right... but apologies are made in an attempt to wrong some rights and THAT means something. I saw people do all in their power to do the right, which tends to mean hard, thing. We could all benefit from, not only doing more to recognize our faults, but also to understand they carry a weight with them. We ARE responsible for our weaknesses as much as our strengths... I saw people taking steps to this, which is something hard and must be worked towards, and I saw it.
Things are bad right now, but most of what happened tonight seems to be the first step towards, or the precursor to, everything getting better. Things'll get better; they always do.
It's going to take time to be where I want to be, personally. Where I want to be with my loneliness and my feelings. I do bounce around so- it's honestly getting so drastic it's out of character for me. I go from wanting to throw myself at Kristie's feet to wanting to be with her but take it slowly to wanting to be alone for a long time to wanting to be with Renee to wanting to not talk or see either of them to not wanting to be in contact with anyone to contemplating polygamy which I don't remotely believe in, to wondering what all the sleeze balls who just kinda sleep around feel like and if I could pull it off- all this bouncing around from moment to moment. It gets uglier from there, if you can believe it. Point is, in a moment of clarity I could actually see what being comfortable alone looked like. Healthy aone- balanced. What it could do for me and how I could feel, wherever that is in relationship to now. I want to say that means it's close, but I know better. Seeing something and LIVING something are very different with a lot of important steps in between. I can't try to skip those again. I just am constantly obsessed with time... I could never have enough. The thought that I just have to let a lot of that slip through my hands without being somewhere I want to be already is hard on me. It's going to get harder and I need to either let it get harder, or make it get harder.
Self evaluation is a very good thing. Writing here helps me do so, as I discussed on here I think at some point, but so does the old fashioned "conversation". Talked with Seth yesterday- something I haven't done in a fortnight, and it was good. He looks out for me, but he comes across as thinking he knows everything and has all the answers- also something we discussed as we got on to the subject of personal weaknesses and strengths.
The conversation came about to the idea that my greatest weakness is a fear of life. I am for some reason deeply afraid of my Father, who has never harmed a hair on my head or even been a remotely bad Father. I was terrified in many ways of many things when me and Kristie were going out- so much so I acted irrationally because of fears that had no substance... fear of disappointing Kristie, hurting Kristie, being insensitive to Kristie... as I think I've said, most often my irrational behavior because one of a dozen unprovoked fears I had made things hard between us- made Kristie come across as an antoagonist to some, I fear, because of my reactions. I've come to realize my struggle with honesty and habit of "Sugar Coating" things not only caused problems between Kristie, but I would perpetuate the sugar coating to friends to be consistent with what I said to Kristie. When it was clear I was doing that, it made Kristie seem like she gave me reason to feel th need to sugar coat the truth when things were clearly not on the up and up.
Wow, tangent, though relative, he went on to cite me being afraid of moving out, afraid of using my degree to find a more solid job, a lot of fine examples where, I agree, I let fear run a lot of my life. He comments it is in some ways a great strength because I am cautious, for myself and for others, but the more I think about this, the more I think I've failed sufficiently in that department as well, but that's another story. It made the fact that hanging over certain death and being next to fearless is so freeing to me. What OTHERS would fear, I am ok with, it's the everyday stuff that terrifies me. The fear of pain is far worse than pain itself for me, kind of thing. I could deal with Kristie being hurt by a truth and make things right, but I was terrified of Kristie being hurt. The fear, the fear, the fear...
I'm getting tired and I forget now the main idea behind this entire section- something more conclusive and poignant than what I'm thinking of now, I'm sure of it. I need to be more fearless- I need to challenge myself in some way that would terrify me. I don't think I'm sure how to do that yet. I have more self evaluation to do and I have more to learn from what I know. I need to not be afraid, though, of this I am certain. I need to not let it control me and run my life, affect my decisions or my actions to greatly. Make it healthy- make it right kinda thing.
I hope everyone can take a moment, maybe not now, but sometime soon, and think on this. Every argument has two sides, and there doesn't have to be a right and a wrong. There isn't a right and wrong way to deal with a situation- a communication, an altercation, a transaction... sometimes we can't see past our own parts. We don't see where the other would be right because we have to affirm our position. We don't see the way we handle things aren't consistent with how others do. That doesn't make us right and them wrong or vice versa. I think the answer is in compromise... in balance... but that's harder to get to than it seems. We all love each other. That won't change. I'm NOT just talking to the people involved in the madness tonight. We ALL love each other. We're human and we're good folk. We shouldn't ever be limited to what we can see if we can help it and we shouldn't miss an opportunity to love our fellow man or love ourselves. In time... in time every relationship can mend... Right and wrong are an illusion- are an abstract- are a relative and subjective construct- and frankly they don't matter. Happiness matters. Harmony and peace matters. Love matters. It'll happen the right way eventually and the love is there even when we can't see it.
I hope people don't think I'm just throwing around the word love because it's pretty it sounds good- my definition for the word love remains fairly consistent in reference in the above. If I haven't already, at some point I'll rant about how much I hate the overuse of the word love when really the reason we can overuse it is because love has so many different meanings and uses it's an easy out to having to find deeper more specific meaning in our words... Had to specify because I can't stand the over generalization of the word instead of using it's individual, beautiful meanings appropriately and deliberately.
Wow, I got really tired near the end there... man I hope this stuff makes sense in the morning when I'm a bit more awake to read it. I love you guys, all y'all, seriously. G'night.