Afraid to speak my peace.
Not a typo- I'm an angsty teenager who thinks he's artistic and expressive... Also this journa is written for me to write, not you to read, so don't feel obligated to read, but please do so if you wish, comment to your hearts content, yadda yadda yadda...
Talk to folk direct... I REALLY want to do the vague LJ message that doesn't have names that's directed at someone, blah blah, but that's immature and unhelpful- I need to say the things that could be helpful and constructive to the people who need to hear them, and leave the rest of my opinion to private conversation, if at all, for personal growth. I believe communication is important, but I also think it has to be done right... I think the idea that because communication is taking place is a good thing is misleading... believing that because you're trying to make communication happen, you're automatically right isn't accurate- communicating unfairly or insensitively or doing so with deaf ears can be destructive- counter-productive in the end goals, and can be just as wrong as avoiding it. It's a noble thought and one could mean well... I'm seeing that not be the case in my life in multiple places and I'm struggling with how to address them. I'm trying to seperate preaching and opinions from personal feelings and thoughts...
I was tempted for the first time in a long time to remove the above... I've been good about not editing... I need to have honest and open and direct conversations with people I care about very soon if I'm going to have opinions on the matter and want to be a constructive part of this... In a good way on their terms with open ears of course... The above starts to sound kinda preachy and side taking-ery and without justification or directness, the part of that which applies will get misconstrued and mixed with the part that doesn't... so don't take much to heart if you're looking for something from what I write here... I'll be talking to people I want to soon and people are always welcome to talk to me. I need to get better at being able to disagree with someone's position after the fact, 'cause honestly sometimes people need to say their piece and be heard before they can hear disagreement from even their friends... I've tried to skip the middle step before, and that doesn't work, understandably so... I haven't tried the whole picture where I listen, understand, and politely disagree with the intent to help, not harm... That's something I'd like to get better at in general... for a lot of reasons.
Rereading what I wrote late last night (now being late tonight) I feel like I spoke like it was a victimless situation... I think there were multiple victims and multiple transgressors, but I don't think the parties are in the positions everyone necessarily thinks they're all in. I'm worried some people will think I'm not recognizing where they were wronged, but I also worry people will think I'm faulting people I'm not... As I wrote just before this- I will tell people my honest opinion if they ask, and I hope to be able to add some constructive criticism to help shed light on the conflict... somewhere as a healthy mediator and good friend... not as a nosey neighbor, self-righteous know-it-all... Part of me thinks I shouldn't interject, unless people ask of me, but why would they? Would it hut to offer my opinion on the matter? Would that be rude? I'm semi involved... I don't know... I want to help but recognize a need to try and fix things can be as unhealthy as ignoring them... I want to do this the right way... even if that means sitting on what could be helpful insights- not that I think I'm automatically right or even have the best view of what's transpiring...
On a completely different note, my loneliness is getting out of control... I'm so desperate for affection, for closeness, for a relationship I start to feel attracted to any female I so much as enjoy the company of... I'm not acting on any of these feelings- but I still feel them... it's just not who I am... I'm not about jumping around fancying lots of girls, but when I can't just share the love I have openly and directly with another like I've been doing for so long, I guess I just don't know what to do with the energy... with myself.
Ah hell... I don't know if that's accurate- another thing I'm desperate for is an answer... an explanation, a why to the way I act... and I don't have it. I don't know why I bounce around so frantically necessarily... Kristie has been saying it's possible my inconsistency has a potential for good- that maybe by labeling it as bad I can't recognize where good is being done... She doesn't have a specific meaning in mind, or I'd assume she thinks I mean something different when I talk about how inconsistent I am... so I try to evaluate how that could apply to this... Maybe I'm working through something I don't recognize... I don't know, but it doesn't make me feel comfortable to not be able to safely recognize what feelings I have are and aren't real. I mean, I know which things I've felt BEFORE this recent development are and aren't real, but the last, I don't know, I'd venture a week?... I don't think I can trust anything I've felt about a female in that time... I am so lonely right now. Maybe all I can do right NOW is admit that... and continue to not act on my feelings until I have some kind of handle on them or idea about them... Ugh, and also recognize that may be a great while before I can claim to have a handle on them with any confidence. I am so lonely, and I'm not ok right now.
And also... helping other people makes me feel worlds better.
Talk to folk direct... I REALLY want to do the vague LJ message that doesn't have names that's directed at someone, blah blah, but that's immature and unhelpful- I need to say the things that could be helpful and constructive to the people who need to hear them, and leave the rest of my opinion to private conversation, if at all, for personal growth. I believe communication is important, but I also think it has to be done right... I think the idea that because communication is taking place is a good thing is misleading... believing that because you're trying to make communication happen, you're automatically right isn't accurate- communicating unfairly or insensitively or doing so with deaf ears can be destructive- counter-productive in the end goals, and can be just as wrong as avoiding it. It's a noble thought and one could mean well... I'm seeing that not be the case in my life in multiple places and I'm struggling with how to address them. I'm trying to seperate preaching and opinions from personal feelings and thoughts...
I was tempted for the first time in a long time to remove the above... I've been good about not editing... I need to have honest and open and direct conversations with people I care about very soon if I'm going to have opinions on the matter and want to be a constructive part of this... In a good way on their terms with open ears of course... The above starts to sound kinda preachy and side taking-ery and without justification or directness, the part of that which applies will get misconstrued and mixed with the part that doesn't... so don't take much to heart if you're looking for something from what I write here... I'll be talking to people I want to soon and people are always welcome to talk to me. I need to get better at being able to disagree with someone's position after the fact, 'cause honestly sometimes people need to say their piece and be heard before they can hear disagreement from even their friends... I've tried to skip the middle step before, and that doesn't work, understandably so... I haven't tried the whole picture where I listen, understand, and politely disagree with the intent to help, not harm... That's something I'd like to get better at in general... for a lot of reasons.
Rereading what I wrote late last night (now being late tonight) I feel like I spoke like it was a victimless situation... I think there were multiple victims and multiple transgressors, but I don't think the parties are in the positions everyone necessarily thinks they're all in. I'm worried some people will think I'm not recognizing where they were wronged, but I also worry people will think I'm faulting people I'm not... As I wrote just before this- I will tell people my honest opinion if they ask, and I hope to be able to add some constructive criticism to help shed light on the conflict... somewhere as a healthy mediator and good friend... not as a nosey neighbor, self-righteous know-it-all... Part of me thinks I shouldn't interject, unless people ask of me, but why would they? Would it hut to offer my opinion on the matter? Would that be rude? I'm semi involved... I don't know... I want to help but recognize a need to try and fix things can be as unhealthy as ignoring them... I want to do this the right way... even if that means sitting on what could be helpful insights- not that I think I'm automatically right or even have the best view of what's transpiring...
On a completely different note, my loneliness is getting out of control... I'm so desperate for affection, for closeness, for a relationship I start to feel attracted to any female I so much as enjoy the company of... I'm not acting on any of these feelings- but I still feel them... it's just not who I am... I'm not about jumping around fancying lots of girls, but when I can't just share the love I have openly and directly with another like I've been doing for so long, I guess I just don't know what to do with the energy... with myself.
Ah hell... I don't know if that's accurate- another thing I'm desperate for is an answer... an explanation, a why to the way I act... and I don't have it. I don't know why I bounce around so frantically necessarily... Kristie has been saying it's possible my inconsistency has a potential for good- that maybe by labeling it as bad I can't recognize where good is being done... She doesn't have a specific meaning in mind, or I'd assume she thinks I mean something different when I talk about how inconsistent I am... so I try to evaluate how that could apply to this... Maybe I'm working through something I don't recognize... I don't know, but it doesn't make me feel comfortable to not be able to safely recognize what feelings I have are and aren't real. I mean, I know which things I've felt BEFORE this recent development are and aren't real, but the last, I don't know, I'd venture a week?... I don't think I can trust anything I've felt about a female in that time... I am so lonely right now. Maybe all I can do right NOW is admit that... and continue to not act on my feelings until I have some kind of handle on them or idea about them... Ugh, and also recognize that may be a great while before I can claim to have a handle on them with any confidence. I am so lonely, and I'm not ok right now.
And also... helping other people makes me feel worlds better.