I honestly don't know what I'm doing.
This journal is written for me. YOu are not obligated to read it. Thank you.
I was angrier tonight then I have been in a very long time. I don't know at all how to do what I'm trying to do, but it has to be done. I don't believe or abide by the understanding of some that life is something to be wasted or ignored for a second. We have such little time on this Earth, some less than others. Enjoying ourselves isn't the number one priority, but dammit it's important. Living and breathing and doing and being are privileges, are... are gifts. It's not a gift you return or decline- how disrespectful... The will to live and the time we have to live life... what could be more precious...
Now I really don't feel like I'm on one team, but I really don't feel like I'm getting on the other. I have some semblance of an idea of where I am, but I don't really talk to either the way I did or the way I was getting too... not lately... Partially 'cause I'm figuring some of it out on my own. But this? This is new... it burns me up inside and enough so that I can admit the anger I feel. I'm so upset I can't sleep at 5 in the morning Christmas Eve Morning. I'm not a psychology major and I'm not really able to enlist one, so I'm on my own for this battle. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but it's going to be everything, it has to be. I can't half ass life anymore- I can't let go things I believe in or stand by and let friends I care about go because they need help- help that seems like it's out of my hands. I've done it too many times. Lauren I got lucky with... Newbie's dead... I can't make up to him the times I didn't want to bother being a good friend. Not ever. So I do the next best thing and learn from it and move on. It's what HE'D want, what everyone wants, and what I want, even when I can't feel it. I'm so mad right now... I'm so mad.
Telling someone I care about I'm SUPER pissed at them. Not at the situation or what's transpired or the circumstance... Pissed at THEM. This is new for me- beyond my previous ability. I am growing as a person... It sounds weird with so many people who need to keep those thoughts to themselves and not just be angry at other people... I don't get angry at people- even when it's their own well being or other people's well being at stake and that's inexcusable... Standing idly by while something bad happens because you care about the person doing something bad- is inexcusable... it's another kind of evil.... when good men do nothing... I won't be that evil, I just don't know what to do yet.
God please help me with this one... I'm farther out of my personnal safety bubble than usual and I'm a little scared and I think I need to bs scared a bit. I'm afraid of fear... I need to be stronger tan that.
Also, never give up on life. Things'll get better; they always do. Always do.
I was angrier tonight then I have been in a very long time. I don't know at all how to do what I'm trying to do, but it has to be done. I don't believe or abide by the understanding of some that life is something to be wasted or ignored for a second. We have such little time on this Earth, some less than others. Enjoying ourselves isn't the number one priority, but dammit it's important. Living and breathing and doing and being are privileges, are... are gifts. It's not a gift you return or decline- how disrespectful... The will to live and the time we have to live life... what could be more precious...
Now I really don't feel like I'm on one team, but I really don't feel like I'm getting on the other. I have some semblance of an idea of where I am, but I don't really talk to either the way I did or the way I was getting too... not lately... Partially 'cause I'm figuring some of it out on my own. But this? This is new... it burns me up inside and enough so that I can admit the anger I feel. I'm so upset I can't sleep at 5 in the morning Christmas Eve Morning. I'm not a psychology major and I'm not really able to enlist one, so I'm on my own for this battle. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but it's going to be everything, it has to be. I can't half ass life anymore- I can't let go things I believe in or stand by and let friends I care about go because they need help- help that seems like it's out of my hands. I've done it too many times. Lauren I got lucky with... Newbie's dead... I can't make up to him the times I didn't want to bother being a good friend. Not ever. So I do the next best thing and learn from it and move on. It's what HE'D want, what everyone wants, and what I want, even when I can't feel it. I'm so mad right now... I'm so mad.
Telling someone I care about I'm SUPER pissed at them. Not at the situation or what's transpired or the circumstance... Pissed at THEM. This is new for me- beyond my previous ability. I am growing as a person... It sounds weird with so many people who need to keep those thoughts to themselves and not just be angry at other people... I don't get angry at people- even when it's their own well being or other people's well being at stake and that's inexcusable... Standing idly by while something bad happens because you care about the person doing something bad- is inexcusable... it's another kind of evil.... when good men do nothing... I won't be that evil, I just don't know what to do yet.
God please help me with this one... I'm farther out of my personnal safety bubble than usual and I'm a little scared and I think I need to bs scared a bit. I'm afraid of fear... I need to be stronger tan that.
Also, never give up on life. Things'll get better; they always do. Always do.