Think Responsibly
The following is written in the pursuit of self-growth, not in the pursuit of your time and energy. Please don't expend either if you don't wish to, there is no obligation to read. It is a form of therapy for me.
Monday hurt, and it hurt all day. I could only bring myself to really tell one person about it because he's goin through a similar pain, if not at all a similar situation. I'm gonna start with that 'cause I think I'm gonna go the long way to get back to it, but I want to get that out there first and foremost...
I guess I've been neglecting updating on a lot of what's been going on in my heart for fear of hurting a select few people, but at this point that's keeping me from communicating with almost anybody. Unrelated, but relevant, I'm really falling into a social rutt- I realized I talk to the nerds from Dwarfland and their significant others (Social Rifts aside), Kristie, Renee, and a handful of people I invite to little gatherings, most of which are usually Dwarfland (and those have been few and far between anyway) and that's about it. I haven't been going to church because I've been sick, and thems I do hang out with are my nerdy church friends to game with- not to church with.
Only the two I mentioned by name have I spoken to at all about anything remotely serious... But I can't rightly talk to the one about anything pertaining to the other- I don't feel comfortable and I'm fair certain they wouldn't be either... These were supposed to be the two people I could talk to about anything- hard as I found it sometimes. Now I got two different conflicting sections of my life, in a way, I can't resolve together since the only people I really feel moved to talk with, I can't share the whole picture- again my choice. It's slanted, it's biased, it's a little unfair and I get that and I see it and I didn't care, but I cared about others so I kept myself internal. I did it for them and not for me for completely different reasons.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense, you can honestly stop reading... I might be more sorry if it does make sense though...
Me and Kristie have been talking- and it's been really great. We've been working through a lot of the problems we had when we were going out. We were both keenly aware we still had feelings for each other despite both our attempts to move on from each other, but now it felt like I'd found myself almost exactly where I said I wouldn't... pretty much waiting for it to feel right for us to get back together. Someone asked me if I wanted to marry her- the answer was yes... I know things aren't remotely right between us- I still couldn't even express that there were negative things I felt as a result of her actions- which should be easy- should be doable. Still, I wanted to work through them and I thought she did too. I'd ask her how things were with her ex-new boyfriend and she'd say things like I'm not really thinking about him, or I don't think we should talk about it, since it's not healthy for either of us -kind implying that shouldn't have an effect on what I was working on- to keep me from basing what I Was doing on if she was available or not, which I agreed with... but I guess I thought I was winning.
I can now say something negative Kristie's done that hurts me and angers me- but I can also honestly say those events are rare and far between...
Facebook is kind enough to tell me Kristine Gottesman is in a relationship with Matt Tye Monday morning... I get to find out- likes and comments from out mutual friends attached- that apparently Kristie is over me enough to try dating again... THAT'S what "I don't think we should talk about it" translates too. Facebook tells me. Really? After all our talks about communicating better and being able to talk about anything?
When we broke up.... subtley and basically without any clear definition that's what it was- and then Kristie was dating I think about a month after we broke up- it was so surreal it took me longer to realize it then for the pain to fade... This time it's very real and it hurts... I realize that almost no one even knows I still like Kristie- but I still take it so hard when people "like" and comment on pictures of them, or their relationship status changing. I take it so hard when Kristie's sister says Matt is her favorite person in the whole wide world like she used to say to me -She sill does, and frankly she says it to everyone all the time- but I take it so personally and I know these people don't mean it, don't know it, and probably just don't get it- I don't blame them. It just hurts.
That's all the negativity I can post on here- I still love Kristie and I always will. I just feel like no matter how many times I've told her no matter what happens between us I'll always love you- the one time I actually get mad at her and do something about it she'll still immediately take this as me not loving her anymore, and I'm really tired of anything I say negative lasting forever, but anything I say positive not having any foundation at all after everything we've been through. Then again, I'm just as worried she won't even care that we're not speaking- something the longest we've ever done in the last 5 years has been 2 days, even after we were apart and she was dating someone else. I don't think she won't love me... I think she'll think I'm being immature and not care that I'm not talkin to her. Is that pathetic? I'm back to square one, and she's over and done...
I want to get back on a positive beat as best I can today- so I'm just going to vent the chunks of what else is bothering me- It's gonna sound like I'm wallowing in self pity, but really I'm leaving all the negative here so I can go deal with my life.
I'm still effing sick after 3 weeks. BOTH my grandfathers are super pissed and I'm not sure why- my Nana changes the subject and tries to get me off the phone when I ask about Papa and Grandpa WON'T make jokes at my expense so I know somethings bothering him about me. I feel really disconnected from the church after missing so much of it and missing out on the third Surge trip in a row (that'll 1.5 years I've been an adviser without having one of these trips bring me closer to the kids or to God) but not from God, which is good. I'm the super brokest I've been since I got a job at 17- having drained my savings account to 1/3 of what it was 6 months ago and am nowhere on this job thing- I'm going to have to resolve to finding an anybody job, but that might be as hard to find as a high paying programming job with my degree in hand. I'm lonely and I don't know how to deal with that fact in the face of my circumstance- and complications with my addiction and trying to fight it... I think I'm making some friends uncomfortable and that's pretty inexcusable. I don't hang out with a lot of my friends anymore, and frankly I don't have time, health, or justification to do so without a job or money. I don't have health insurance and my knee still hurts from broomball in November. I'm easily 20 pounds heavier than I Was 4 months ago from being sick, injured, and therefore never working out. I woke up with the song I wrote for Kristie stuck in my head, and to the sound of both my grandparents coughing because they too are sick, and I don't know what I can do for either of them.
Also, all the LJ-Cuts are lyrics from Rock Band songs. I'm gonna go try and find a job. I need to talk to people soon- specific and in general. Also- Sorry.
Monday hurt, and it hurt all day. I could only bring myself to really tell one person about it because he's goin through a similar pain, if not at all a similar situation. I'm gonna start with that 'cause I think I'm gonna go the long way to get back to it, but I want to get that out there first and foremost...
I guess I've been neglecting updating on a lot of what's been going on in my heart for fear of hurting a select few people, but at this point that's keeping me from communicating with almost anybody. Unrelated, but relevant, I'm really falling into a social rutt- I realized I talk to the nerds from Dwarfland and their significant others (Social Rifts aside), Kristie, Renee, and a handful of people I invite to little gatherings, most of which are usually Dwarfland (and those have been few and far between anyway) and that's about it. I haven't been going to church because I've been sick, and thems I do hang out with are my nerdy church friends to game with- not to church with.
Only the two I mentioned by name have I spoken to at all about anything remotely serious... But I can't rightly talk to the one about anything pertaining to the other- I don't feel comfortable and I'm fair certain they wouldn't be either... These were supposed to be the two people I could talk to about anything- hard as I found it sometimes. Now I got two different conflicting sections of my life, in a way, I can't resolve together since the only people I really feel moved to talk with, I can't share the whole picture- again my choice. It's slanted, it's biased, it's a little unfair and I get that and I see it and I didn't care, but I cared about others so I kept myself internal. I did it for them and not for me for completely different reasons.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense, you can honestly stop reading... I might be more sorry if it does make sense though...
Me and Kristie have been talking- and it's been really great. We've been working through a lot of the problems we had when we were going out. We were both keenly aware we still had feelings for each other despite both our attempts to move on from each other, but now it felt like I'd found myself almost exactly where I said I wouldn't... pretty much waiting for it to feel right for us to get back together. Someone asked me if I wanted to marry her- the answer was yes... I know things aren't remotely right between us- I still couldn't even express that there were negative things I felt as a result of her actions- which should be easy- should be doable. Still, I wanted to work through them and I thought she did too. I'd ask her how things were with her ex-new boyfriend and she'd say things like I'm not really thinking about him, or I don't think we should talk about it, since it's not healthy for either of us -kind implying that shouldn't have an effect on what I was working on- to keep me from basing what I Was doing on if she was available or not, which I agreed with... but I guess I thought I was winning.
I can now say something negative Kristie's done that hurts me and angers me- but I can also honestly say those events are rare and far between...
Facebook is kind enough to tell me Kristine Gottesman is in a relationship with Matt Tye Monday morning... I get to find out- likes and comments from out mutual friends attached- that apparently Kristie is over me enough to try dating again... THAT'S what "I don't think we should talk about it" translates too. Facebook tells me. Really? After all our talks about communicating better and being able to talk about anything?
When we broke up.... subtley and basically without any clear definition that's what it was- and then Kristie was dating I think about a month after we broke up- it was so surreal it took me longer to realize it then for the pain to fade... This time it's very real and it hurts... I realize that almost no one even knows I still like Kristie- but I still take it so hard when people "like" and comment on pictures of them, or their relationship status changing. I take it so hard when Kristie's sister says Matt is her favorite person in the whole wide world like she used to say to me -She sill does, and frankly she says it to everyone all the time- but I take it so personally and I know these people don't mean it, don't know it, and probably just don't get it- I don't blame them. It just hurts.
That's all the negativity I can post on here- I still love Kristie and I always will. I just feel like no matter how many times I've told her no matter what happens between us I'll always love you- the one time I actually get mad at her and do something about it she'll still immediately take this as me not loving her anymore, and I'm really tired of anything I say negative lasting forever, but anything I say positive not having any foundation at all after everything we've been through. Then again, I'm just as worried she won't even care that we're not speaking- something the longest we've ever done in the last 5 years has been 2 days, even after we were apart and she was dating someone else. I don't think she won't love me... I think she'll think I'm being immature and not care that I'm not talkin to her. Is that pathetic? I'm back to square one, and she's over and done...
I want to get back on a positive beat as best I can today- so I'm just going to vent the chunks of what else is bothering me- It's gonna sound like I'm wallowing in self pity, but really I'm leaving all the negative here so I can go deal with my life.
I'm still effing sick after 3 weeks. BOTH my grandfathers are super pissed and I'm not sure why- my Nana changes the subject and tries to get me off the phone when I ask about Papa and Grandpa WON'T make jokes at my expense so I know somethings bothering him about me. I feel really disconnected from the church after missing so much of it and missing out on the third Surge trip in a row (that'll 1.5 years I've been an adviser without having one of these trips bring me closer to the kids or to God) but not from God, which is good. I'm the super brokest I've been since I got a job at 17- having drained my savings account to 1/3 of what it was 6 months ago and am nowhere on this job thing- I'm going to have to resolve to finding an anybody job, but that might be as hard to find as a high paying programming job with my degree in hand. I'm lonely and I don't know how to deal with that fact in the face of my circumstance- and complications with my addiction and trying to fight it... I think I'm making some friends uncomfortable and that's pretty inexcusable. I don't hang out with a lot of my friends anymore, and frankly I don't have time, health, or justification to do so without a job or money. I don't have health insurance and my knee still hurts from broomball in November. I'm easily 20 pounds heavier than I Was 4 months ago from being sick, injured, and therefore never working out. I woke up with the song I wrote for Kristie stuck in my head, and to the sound of both my grandparents coughing because they too are sick, and I don't know what I can do for either of them.
Also, all the LJ-Cuts are lyrics from Rock Band songs. I'm gonna go try and find a job. I need to talk to people soon- specific and in general. Also- Sorry.