A voice...
The following is written so that I may grow as a person, hopefully. It is not written so your list of obligations can grow, so please don't feel the need to read it.
I'd like to begin by thanking the many people who have offered me an eager ear and advice to help me based on the things I write here. It means a lot to me that people care and are willing to reach out to me- it really does.
A lot of people- almost all I think- have suggested a private journal. This makes sense given the frequency in which I stop myself from saying thins it's clear I want to express to be kind to individuals or for the sake of decency or any other reason. The problem I've found with private journaling is that anything I write knowing I'm doing so with the intention to not show anyone feels useless- like it has no effect or takes no hold on me. It feels like the frequent conversations I have in my head... All the time, I find myself having conversations with people in my head or even (how sad is this) in the form of LJ entries in my mind but if I don't express it TO someone- even anyone in the shape of a livejournal entry, then it's like I can't reference it in any way... I don't know... I guess I should just get better at talkin to people it pertains to or be willing to be more open with one of the many willing confidantes I have... For now, there's still LJ for everything in between... "We can be miserable together." Thank you...
It's seriously different everyday. "That must be hard." It is, and it shatters so many realities I was able to adhere to for so long. I don't question the important things- but the little things? I start to wonder what truth they still hold for me... For so long it was basically the only important thing in my life I could always go to. Now both ends have been let go and I keep feeling the tickle of one end and nibbles at the other- but I'm not where near the Ocean. I'm on top of a mountain and it's suddenly covered in ice- I got an ice pick where I once stood tall and proud and all I Can do is slide around in every direction with no way back up, no idea what's at the bottom in any direction, and no clue if the ice will thaw soon so I Can get back up... Still isn't even consistent about if I want to...It's the only reason I know I'm not drowning.
"I think its clear that..." If you think its clear- you're absolutely wrong... in fact nothing is. NOTHING is clear right now... It's all over the place day to day, sometimes minute to minute... Thought I was over that phase... apparently not. Get out. Get away.. - no one knows and no one understands but it's a trap and you don't want ANY of it. You don't know better AND you Don't know better. Being nice, being thoughtful and sad as it sounds, but even caring- EVEN UNCONDITIONAL caring isn't enough... You deserve enough. I know how you take it and it's the opposite and nothing I will say will make you believe it until you believe it and AGH I CAN'T TAKE NOT BEING ENOUGH ANYMORE. I CAN'T TAKE HAVING NO WAY TO GAUGE OR MEASURE OR COMPREHEND OR UNDERSTAND? SOMEONE SHOW ME THE LINE- THE RUBRIC- THE NORM SO I KNOW WHERE I AM WHERE I BELONG WHERE I'M RIGHT AND WHERE I'M RIGHT FOR HURTING! I WANT TO KNOW IF I'M NOT ENOUGH OR IF I'M NOT ENOUGH! ...Please?
I don't know what I'm saying. "Sometimes you just need to let go... I think you hold yourself to too high a standard" I'm not even sure what I have to hold on to. I certainly don't know how to let go- maybe this is close? "I've been thinking" Me too. I'm so sorry. I'm losing the ability to be honest the more I care and I've already been down that road. I can't say anything I'll just make it worse- but I hate Not saying anything more than I hate not saying Anything.
There's the nothing option that I have to face with a certain seriousness. The one movies never talk about when they create this stupid situation. It's rational- hell it makes MORE sense and it's frankly what I shoot for- but this is my shootin' hand. It's responsible, logical, less hurtful in the ways that matter, but it's lonelier and I need to be ok with that. GOD I need to be ok with that. Lonely might be a very good thing for me right now. I just don't want to. This is different than food or character inventory and I need to treat it that way and I am... but sometimes when I just glance at the problem, that can be the instant evaluation that pops up.
Guh I regret writing it but I've resolved that without certain circumstance I won't go back and erase... If it makes sense and it shouldn't, but if it does... I mean it. I mean all the sides of it even when they don't SEEM like they match. Its not selfless its not selfless it seems like it's not selfish but it is and I wish it was selfless but its not. You'll be happier and I wouldn't even know where it leaves me. It's bad the amount of power I'm confidant I have in my hands if I was just confidant in my hands to have power. I'm responsible enough to recognize this, but only just. "I'm always..." No. "You're always..." No. "Who knows..." No.
Editor's Note: Don't bother.
I'd like to begin by thanking the many people who have offered me an eager ear and advice to help me based on the things I write here. It means a lot to me that people care and are willing to reach out to me- it really does.
A lot of people- almost all I think- have suggested a private journal. This makes sense given the frequency in which I stop myself from saying thins it's clear I want to express to be kind to individuals or for the sake of decency or any other reason. The problem I've found with private journaling is that anything I write knowing I'm doing so with the intention to not show anyone feels useless- like it has no effect or takes no hold on me. It feels like the frequent conversations I have in my head... All the time, I find myself having conversations with people in my head or even (how sad is this) in the form of LJ entries in my mind but if I don't express it TO someone- even anyone in the shape of a livejournal entry, then it's like I can't reference it in any way... I don't know... I guess I should just get better at talkin to people it pertains to or be willing to be more open with one of the many willing confidantes I have... For now, there's still LJ for everything in between... "We can be miserable together." Thank you...
It's seriously different everyday. "That must be hard." It is, and it shatters so many realities I was able to adhere to for so long. I don't question the important things- but the little things? I start to wonder what truth they still hold for me... For so long it was basically the only important thing in my life I could always go to. Now both ends have been let go and I keep feeling the tickle of one end and nibbles at the other- but I'm not where near the Ocean. I'm on top of a mountain and it's suddenly covered in ice- I got an ice pick where I once stood tall and proud and all I Can do is slide around in every direction with no way back up, no idea what's at the bottom in any direction, and no clue if the ice will thaw soon so I Can get back up... Still isn't even consistent about if I want to...It's the only reason I know I'm not drowning.
"I think its clear that..." If you think its clear- you're absolutely wrong... in fact nothing is. NOTHING is clear right now... It's all over the place day to day, sometimes minute to minute... Thought I was over that phase... apparently not. Get out. Get away.. - no one knows and no one understands but it's a trap and you don't want ANY of it. You don't know better AND you Don't know better. Being nice, being thoughtful and sad as it sounds, but even caring- EVEN UNCONDITIONAL caring isn't enough... You deserve enough. I know how you take it and it's the opposite and nothing I will say will make you believe it until you believe it and AGH I CAN'T TAKE NOT BEING ENOUGH ANYMORE. I CAN'T TAKE HAVING NO WAY TO GAUGE OR MEASURE OR COMPREHEND OR UNDERSTAND? SOMEONE SHOW ME THE LINE- THE RUBRIC- THE NORM SO I KNOW WHERE I AM WHERE I BELONG WHERE I'M RIGHT AND WHERE I'M RIGHT FOR HURTING! I WANT TO KNOW IF I'M NOT ENOUGH OR IF I'M NOT ENOUGH! ...Please?
I don't know what I'm saying. "Sometimes you just need to let go... I think you hold yourself to too high a standard" I'm not even sure what I have to hold on to. I certainly don't know how to let go- maybe this is close? "I've been thinking" Me too. I'm so sorry. I'm losing the ability to be honest the more I care and I've already been down that road. I can't say anything I'll just make it worse- but I hate Not saying anything more than I hate not saying Anything.
There's the nothing option that I have to face with a certain seriousness. The one movies never talk about when they create this stupid situation. It's rational- hell it makes MORE sense and it's frankly what I shoot for- but this is my shootin' hand. It's responsible, logical, less hurtful in the ways that matter, but it's lonelier and I need to be ok with that. GOD I need to be ok with that. Lonely might be a very good thing for me right now. I just don't want to. This is different than food or character inventory and I need to treat it that way and I am... but sometimes when I just glance at the problem, that can be the instant evaluation that pops up.
Guh I regret writing it but I've resolved that without certain circumstance I won't go back and erase... If it makes sense and it shouldn't, but if it does... I mean it. I mean all the sides of it even when they don't SEEM like they match. Its not selfless its not selfless it seems like it's not selfish but it is and I wish it was selfless but its not. You'll be happier and I wouldn't even know where it leaves me. It's bad the amount of power I'm confidant I have in my hands if I was just confidant in my hands to have power. I'm responsible enough to recognize this, but only just. "I'm always..." No. "You're always..." No. "Who knows..." No.
Editor's Note: Don't bother.