Grr...and I was keeping up with 2 AM, half way to my 1 AM goal...
The following is written with the end goal of self actualization. It is unlikely to provide any insight on your journey for your own, though you are welcome to read from it if you so choose- it is in no way meant to deter you from where you are going.
Sitting outside of a jacuzzi with several half drunk half naked girls (taken, not that it matters) talking about my porn addiction and how I'm not over my ex girlfriend at 3 AM is not how I expected or particularly wanted to end my Valentine's Day spent volunteering to raise money for thie church at their annual holiday banquet. I worked it from 9 in the morning to 9 at night off 5 hours of "couch sleep" with a couch nap for 20 minutes in the middle of it. Going to a small drinking get together was not the to-do list at 11:30 dead on my feet tired. Still, it was a distraction which even the short drive home was nearly unbearable without, and therefore an infinitely better idea then going home to be alone with my thoughts (Of course not that I didn't want to see the folks there that I knew). I politely averted my eyes and actually had some good conversations, but an excess of gossip- which I'm not a fan of anyway- about people I didn't even know was damn near enough to push me into full blown depression after a while and I eventually left to come home- eyes hurting and begging for sleep, and feeling compelled to write to get some of these feelins out of me and on to anywhere else.
I wasn't bitter about Valentine's Day at all. I really was and am genuinely happy for the couples celebrating the day together and enjoying the fact that, in some way and at some level, they are or are attempting to share their lives together. That's absolutely beautiful and even if I'd have been miserable, which for most of the day I wasn't, I still would want them to enjoy today and just love the crap out of each other (Hopefully they do that every day, but there's no reason not to take an excuse to treat a day as special).
I've been trying to be a positive light on the world. I recognize I feel a lot of pressure sometims to do everything right. I kind of thought I was. The other day my Mom had to give me the get up out of bed and get out there- you'll feel better about yourself and boost your confidence if you just did this conversation. Apparently I'm better at hiding it form me then my family, but I think my Mom may be right. I think I'm depressed if only on some minor level... I'm a bit on the hypochondriac side so that could be it- but if my Mom needs to have THAT conversation with me when I feel like I hide my pain well... maybe I'm wrong.
I have more to write but I'm too tired to remember it now. Right now, I don't want people to help me or reach out- I don't want someone with advice or a quiet shoulder to cry on or anything between. I don't want to speak to a therapist or a pastor. I don't want to feel ok with the way I am now and I don't want to put forth the effort to try and fix things. I just don't want get better, get worse, or be the same. I'm unhappy, and I kind of just want to be able to express that without the sympathy or people trying to reach out. I want to be able to say I'm miserable and not have to appease the people trying to make me feel better, because I didn't say that to convince you to make me better, I said it because I Wanted to express it and I don't think anyone on Earth but me can do a damn thing about it... I don't want people to try right now 'cause then I have to explain or try to be ok with it when I'm not and that's not me and it's certainly not helping me... I don't know what I want... The most comfortable I've been in a while was when I just resolved to being completely nowhere and being right back at square one not over Kristie and dying to jump back into an unhealthy mind set and relationship... Another rush of feeling like I've gotten nowhere with months of my life- effort and thought and pain and growth accumulating to nothing, except maybe that I now know they were all meaningless and can learn from that... ugh... I guess I really won't go to sleep, 'cause I'm still writing...
Apparently I could sleep, as it's now 11 AM the next day, as opposed to 4 AM... uh, technically the same day. As an update I'm in higher spirits this morning though still trying to, I guess, come to terms with my situation, since as stated before I really have no desire to progress, regress, or idle... I'm gonna post this before re-reading it 'cause I don't delete from here and for all I know I may want to... I was pretty tired last night if I fell asleep mid entry...
Sitting outside of a jacuzzi with several half drunk half naked girls (taken, not that it matters) talking about my porn addiction and how I'm not over my ex girlfriend at 3 AM is not how I expected or particularly wanted to end my Valentine's Day spent volunteering to raise money for thie church at their annual holiday banquet. I worked it from 9 in the morning to 9 at night off 5 hours of "couch sleep" with a couch nap for 20 minutes in the middle of it. Going to a small drinking get together was not the to-do list at 11:30 dead on my feet tired. Still, it was a distraction which even the short drive home was nearly unbearable without, and therefore an infinitely better idea then going home to be alone with my thoughts (Of course not that I didn't want to see the folks there that I knew). I politely averted my eyes and actually had some good conversations, but an excess of gossip- which I'm not a fan of anyway- about people I didn't even know was damn near enough to push me into full blown depression after a while and I eventually left to come home- eyes hurting and begging for sleep, and feeling compelled to write to get some of these feelins out of me and on to anywhere else.
I wasn't bitter about Valentine's Day at all. I really was and am genuinely happy for the couples celebrating the day together and enjoying the fact that, in some way and at some level, they are or are attempting to share their lives together. That's absolutely beautiful and even if I'd have been miserable, which for most of the day I wasn't, I still would want them to enjoy today and just love the crap out of each other (Hopefully they do that every day, but there's no reason not to take an excuse to treat a day as special).
I've been trying to be a positive light on the world. I recognize I feel a lot of pressure sometims to do everything right. I kind of thought I was. The other day my Mom had to give me the get up out of bed and get out there- you'll feel better about yourself and boost your confidence if you just did this conversation. Apparently I'm better at hiding it form me then my family, but I think my Mom may be right. I think I'm depressed if only on some minor level... I'm a bit on the hypochondriac side so that could be it- but if my Mom needs to have THAT conversation with me when I feel like I hide my pain well... maybe I'm wrong.
I have more to write but I'm too tired to remember it now. Right now, I don't want people to help me or reach out- I don't want someone with advice or a quiet shoulder to cry on or anything between. I don't want to speak to a therapist or a pastor. I don't want to feel ok with the way I am now and I don't want to put forth the effort to try and fix things. I just don't want get better, get worse, or be the same. I'm unhappy, and I kind of just want to be able to express that without the sympathy or people trying to reach out. I want to be able to say I'm miserable and not have to appease the people trying to make me feel better, because I didn't say that to convince you to make me better, I said it because I Wanted to express it and I don't think anyone on Earth but me can do a damn thing about it... I don't want people to try right now 'cause then I have to explain or try to be ok with it when I'm not and that's not me and it's certainly not helping me... I don't know what I want... The most comfortable I've been in a while was when I just resolved to being completely nowhere and being right back at square one not over Kristie and dying to jump back into an unhealthy mind set and relationship... Another rush of feeling like I've gotten nowhere with months of my life- effort and thought and pain and growth accumulating to nothing, except maybe that I now know they were all meaningless and can learn from that... ugh... I guess I really won't go to sleep, 'cause I'm still writing...
Apparently I could sleep, as it's now 11 AM the next day, as opposed to 4 AM... uh, technically the same day. As an update I'm in higher spirits this morning though still trying to, I guess, come to terms with my situation, since as stated before I really have no desire to progress, regress, or idle... I'm gonna post this before re-reading it 'cause I don't delete from here and for all I know I may want to... I was pretty tired last night if I fell asleep mid entry...