"God is in the tough things"
As always, this is written as a form of therapy to me. You are in no way expected to read it.
I'm just sad right now... like really sad and I don't know how to deal with it. I can't be alone with my thoughts for 5 minutes without a distraction or I cry. I had an amazing time at my Sunday night zombie killing group, and I was barely on my way home from my carpool that I was trying not to cry. No thoughts inspired it- nothing had triggered anything noticeably before, I was legitimately enjoying good company and good times, and suddenly I'm choking back tears and short-sleeving a runny nose.
My Grandma got me a bunch of stuff for my birthday including a new ninja turtles shirt, some cash, and a book. The book is what caught my eye the most. A little book called 'God is in the tough things', the "Highly anticipated sequel to 'God is in the little things'" which seems to be a nice way of saying "So you're depressed- remember God still loves you." Don't get me wrong, those books are powerful- empowering and save lives and change lives and make people feel better spiritually and emotionally... I get that, understand that, believe that and agree with it... but why does my Gma think "This would be a great gift for Adam" unless it was obvious? Am I that transparent... Is this full blown depression 'cause I can feel great as long as I'm doing something... Preferably surrounded by people. I know so many people who love and care about me... why isn't that enough...
I need to see someone- people keep saying it and it's true. I don't talk to people though I know I should and I don't know how I'm going to see someone. I'm tired of hurting people inversely proportionate to how close they are to me. Maybe this is a good way of saying if we're just kind of friends, that's the safest place to be. I don't make the ones most important to me happy, but complete strangers I make their day all the time. I get why it seems like that to me... it's obvious why I'd perceive things that way and I realize it- just can't get over the feeling. Obviously you'd only remember strangers who were memorable like the ones you successfully reach out too... but the time spent with close friends is more frequent making such debates more likely... not the other way around... I'm not stupid... I'm not.
Tomorrow I'm getting out and doing things because I need to for me, and I know this. I'd write it here to keep me accountable but I can't just dump all my problems on facebook instead of doing it myself... that's a bad habit I need to break. Can't hike my normal trails bad a sI want to... wouldn't feel right... Maybe I can find a new one- more dangerous one. I really feel the most alive in immediate mortal danger... Probably not healthy and I imagine it has a lot to do with having never seen combat or even the experience of another human angry enough to earnestly try and hurt me... but in my small way it lifts me up. I feel a little better- I'm not crying anymore and I think I can try to get some sleep quick enough to avoid thinking... I'm gonna get help for me... Don't try to take this as your burden to bear- it's mine and I'm overdue for it... I love people, I love everyone reading this right now... I don't need you stressing about what I Write here. If people are freaking out at my venting space I'll lose one of the most powerful resources in trying to be a healthier, happier, more complete person- I don't write that I'm sad in here to get sympathy and a dozen invites to lunch, I do it because I'm sad and there's no one else up at 3 in the morning to talk to- much less randomly mention "Hi I'm crying for no reason again and am terrified of lying in my bed, kthxbye!" So this is for me for me for me... I'll be fine and that's my job... I'm going to bed, these entries make no sense because I write them fighting my bodies need for sleep... It always let's up when I lay down and suddenly I'm not tired anymore... I'm thoughtful... exactly what I need. I'm invincible, I'll make this work eventually. If you're still reading these, just stop. It's a waste of your time, I don't make sense... I have real genuine friends and I couldn't be more thankful! I'm still sad. Don't respond, just be able to be ok with that. I need that, maybe... I don't know, I'll figure it out... G'night...
I'm just sad right now... like really sad and I don't know how to deal with it. I can't be alone with my thoughts for 5 minutes without a distraction or I cry. I had an amazing time at my Sunday night zombie killing group, and I was barely on my way home from my carpool that I was trying not to cry. No thoughts inspired it- nothing had triggered anything noticeably before, I was legitimately enjoying good company and good times, and suddenly I'm choking back tears and short-sleeving a runny nose.
My Grandma got me a bunch of stuff for my birthday including a new ninja turtles shirt, some cash, and a book. The book is what caught my eye the most. A little book called 'God is in the tough things', the "Highly anticipated sequel to 'God is in the little things'" which seems to be a nice way of saying "So you're depressed- remember God still loves you." Don't get me wrong, those books are powerful- empowering and save lives and change lives and make people feel better spiritually and emotionally... I get that, understand that, believe that and agree with it... but why does my Gma think "This would be a great gift for Adam" unless it was obvious? Am I that transparent... Is this full blown depression 'cause I can feel great as long as I'm doing something... Preferably surrounded by people. I know so many people who love and care about me... why isn't that enough...
I need to see someone- people keep saying it and it's true. I don't talk to people though I know I should and I don't know how I'm going to see someone. I'm tired of hurting people inversely proportionate to how close they are to me. Maybe this is a good way of saying if we're just kind of friends, that's the safest place to be. I don't make the ones most important to me happy, but complete strangers I make their day all the time. I get why it seems like that to me... it's obvious why I'd perceive things that way and I realize it- just can't get over the feeling. Obviously you'd only remember strangers who were memorable like the ones you successfully reach out too... but the time spent with close friends is more frequent making such debates more likely... not the other way around... I'm not stupid... I'm not.
Tomorrow I'm getting out and doing things because I need to for me, and I know this. I'd write it here to keep me accountable but I can't just dump all my problems on facebook instead of doing it myself... that's a bad habit I need to break. Can't hike my normal trails bad a sI want to... wouldn't feel right... Maybe I can find a new one- more dangerous one. I really feel the most alive in immediate mortal danger... Probably not healthy and I imagine it has a lot to do with having never seen combat or even the experience of another human angry enough to earnestly try and hurt me... but in my small way it lifts me up. I feel a little better- I'm not crying anymore and I think I can try to get some sleep quick enough to avoid thinking... I'm gonna get help for me... Don't try to take this as your burden to bear- it's mine and I'm overdue for it... I love people, I love everyone reading this right now... I don't need you stressing about what I Write here. If people are freaking out at my venting space I'll lose one of the most powerful resources in trying to be a healthier, happier, more complete person- I don't write that I'm sad in here to get sympathy and a dozen invites to lunch, I do it because I'm sad and there's no one else up at 3 in the morning to talk to- much less randomly mention "Hi I'm crying for no reason again and am terrified of lying in my bed, kthxbye!" So this is for me for me for me... I'll be fine and that's my job... I'm going to bed, these entries make no sense because I write them fighting my bodies need for sleep... It always let's up when I lay down and suddenly I'm not tired anymore... I'm thoughtful... exactly what I need. I'm invincible, I'll make this work eventually. If you're still reading these, just stop. It's a waste of your time, I don't make sense... I have real genuine friends and I couldn't be more thankful! I'm still sad. Don't respond, just be able to be ok with that. I need that, maybe... I don't know, I'll figure it out... G'night...