Let's trying doing this awake.
This Livejournal is written as an exercise in expression; writing without a reader, even anonymous ones, isn't developmentally satisfying for me. You are of course welcome to read and comment to your hearts content, but just know it is in no way expected of you on any level-societal, personal or moral.
I won't get a toy or a candy either, though...
First of all, I'm actually awake right now. No blurry screen or slipping consciousness, which have been the case my last couple LJs which have absolutely turned into unreadable slop by the end of them. I think I have a firmer grip on what I'd like to write here so I can write until I'm done writing instead of until I'm done being conscious.
I've been too tired to go into anything I write about in here on any level but the most basic venting level that I'm not getting any fruitful insight on anything, so I'm hoping to be able to gain something productive from this and give me some kind of direction- something I've been lacking for so long I forgot I had to keep looking for it, haha. Wait, that might be an "ADD /ADHD" joke more than a "You know that funny thing people do" joke, but I can't quite tell... for obvious reasons.
I am single, and this is for good reason. A good many reasons, in fact.
I've spent so long either not being single or seeking not being single. Have to remember I'm not writing this to explain, but to grow... Point is, I am never looking to just be happy by myself and I know better than that. You can't make someone else happy until you can make yourself happy, and if you can, you still won't know how to make you happy- I've ranted about this plenty before, point is I'm not happy right now- not on the average and certainly not alone. So there's a big one... I'm not happy alone.
I can't keep straight in my head right now who I'm attracted to, and for what reasons or if it's genuine. Again, not explaining, but the inconsistency is unbearable. I'm also realizing there are some likely dangerous things I know I'm attracted too... maybe some are healthy, I can't really tell right now.
Vulnerability, and not in like the creepy domineering way- but the weepy eyes and the head hung low kind of vulnerability. That's not a quality about a person, nor is it something I should find desirable with how hard it would be to NOT manipulate such a situation.
Need. Different from Vulnerability is that feeling that someone needs me. I know everyone wants to feel needed, but I know that feels like something different in the moment and I can always recognize it after. It's not a healthy desire because this says nothing about compatibility. A couple who've been together for a long time and have grown together I imagine will find they seem to need each other in ways, and I think there is certainly a very healthy way for that to exist, but not in initial attractions. There it's satiating a desire selfishly.
Related to that, I think I'm finding myself attracted to co-dependent relationships. I don't know how to word that signs of what could be a co-dependent relationship I think I warp into seeming like admirable qualities in a person- with respects to possibly dating them. I really don't know how to explain it, but it certainly isn't healthy and it should be a little more conscious.
I bounce back and forth if I should even be thinking about this stuff some times- but those are things I recognize that start overriding the logic parts of my brain and I start wondering if I'm ready to date again. I'm not- not by a long shot. I need to get a firmer grip on this and be in control of my emotions. I'm just not ready and I need to be ok with that and a dozen other things.
There's more to it, but fatigue is hitting me pretty hard all of a sudden. I'll write again soon- I'll do a morning entry when I can. Collect my thoughts more clearly and get rid of distractions.
Ok, I want to get SOMEWHERE tonight, tired or not. I didn't do any of the things today that I set myself up to do from yesterday. I didn't leave the house, let alone go out and get some exercise, and I know that would make me feel better. Ugh. Ok, I can't decide if I need to tackle all of my problems at once or figure out what's the most debilitating and tackle that... I'm in favor of "everything now"- and that means recognizing what's going on upstairs.
If I really am depressed, I'm not gonna want to do the things that I enjoy, right? Well I see that kind of happening. Those things that I like to do, but take effort, I AM shying away from those things. So I just need to do them, enjoy them, and get myself into the habit of having that attitude. I AM single, and in that much I'm doing something right. The "being attracted to pretty much every single female (and some not single females- NOT ok) I interact with" sucks when it happens, but I need to deal with it. The strong feelings I have that jump around and hide and resurface for the females that are a big part of my life- I know nothing is steady right now, it still changes from day to day and they need to be able to live their lives- so in that way, the being single is solving the issue.
I need to worry about me and just push everything else away until I find me and know and be ok with the fact that it'll take time and I will be stuck with feelings I don't know what to do with. I said I need to seek help and I will very soon. That will help loads with those feelings. I'm going to make active changes dammit, and I'm going to use a public forum as my accountability partner... Wow that seems really sad. I'm tired of this LJ being stricken with depressed whiney-gutting instead of insightful writing. Not to say it ever has been, but I'd like to at least feel the illusion that my writing goes beyond basic venting and into interesting observations and a thought process that has a corresponding progression. I want to become a better person, and I know from past experience there is nothing more satisfying, I just haven't made any progress in so long... well I've forgotten that I need to keep looking. Ok... gonna do it for real. Sleep now, and tomorrow I'm following up on a job opportunity, going to the gym, and enjoying some D&D. I'm gonna make that a stepping stone into being more active... I'm all over this like white on rice. I wonder if the "Fake it 'til you make it" motto applies to this situation? Ok... Before I'm incoherent... Wish me luck. I'll write more soon. I'll also reread my last couple entries... see what I can make of them in terms of progress and such. Right- sleeping.
I won't get a toy or a candy either, though...
First of all, I'm actually awake right now. No blurry screen or slipping consciousness, which have been the case my last couple LJs which have absolutely turned into unreadable slop by the end of them. I think I have a firmer grip on what I'd like to write here so I can write until I'm done writing instead of until I'm done being conscious.
I've been too tired to go into anything I write about in here on any level but the most basic venting level that I'm not getting any fruitful insight on anything, so I'm hoping to be able to gain something productive from this and give me some kind of direction- something I've been lacking for so long I forgot I had to keep looking for it, haha. Wait, that might be an "ADD /ADHD" joke more than a "You know that funny thing people do" joke, but I can't quite tell... for obvious reasons.
I am single, and this is for good reason. A good many reasons, in fact.
I've spent so long either not being single or seeking not being single. Have to remember I'm not writing this to explain, but to grow... Point is, I am never looking to just be happy by myself and I know better than that. You can't make someone else happy until you can make yourself happy, and if you can, you still won't know how to make you happy- I've ranted about this plenty before, point is I'm not happy right now- not on the average and certainly not alone. So there's a big one... I'm not happy alone.
I can't keep straight in my head right now who I'm attracted to, and for what reasons or if it's genuine. Again, not explaining, but the inconsistency is unbearable. I'm also realizing there are some likely dangerous things I know I'm attracted too... maybe some are healthy, I can't really tell right now.
Vulnerability, and not in like the creepy domineering way- but the weepy eyes and the head hung low kind of vulnerability. That's not a quality about a person, nor is it something I should find desirable with how hard it would be to NOT manipulate such a situation.
Need. Different from Vulnerability is that feeling that someone needs me. I know everyone wants to feel needed, but I know that feels like something different in the moment and I can always recognize it after. It's not a healthy desire because this says nothing about compatibility. A couple who've been together for a long time and have grown together I imagine will find they seem to need each other in ways, and I think there is certainly a very healthy way for that to exist, but not in initial attractions. There it's satiating a desire selfishly.
Related to that, I think I'm finding myself attracted to co-dependent relationships. I don't know how to word that signs of what could be a co-dependent relationship I think I warp into seeming like admirable qualities in a person- with respects to possibly dating them. I really don't know how to explain it, but it certainly isn't healthy and it should be a little more conscious.
I bounce back and forth if I should even be thinking about this stuff some times- but those are things I recognize that start overriding the logic parts of my brain and I start wondering if I'm ready to date again. I'm not- not by a long shot. I need to get a firmer grip on this and be in control of my emotions. I'm just not ready and I need to be ok with that and a dozen other things.
There's more to it, but fatigue is hitting me pretty hard all of a sudden. I'll write again soon- I'll do a morning entry when I can. Collect my thoughts more clearly and get rid of distractions.
Ok, I want to get SOMEWHERE tonight, tired or not. I didn't do any of the things today that I set myself up to do from yesterday. I didn't leave the house, let alone go out and get some exercise, and I know that would make me feel better. Ugh. Ok, I can't decide if I need to tackle all of my problems at once or figure out what's the most debilitating and tackle that... I'm in favor of "everything now"- and that means recognizing what's going on upstairs.
If I really am depressed, I'm not gonna want to do the things that I enjoy, right? Well I see that kind of happening. Those things that I like to do, but take effort, I AM shying away from those things. So I just need to do them, enjoy them, and get myself into the habit of having that attitude. I AM single, and in that much I'm doing something right. The "being attracted to pretty much every single female (and some not single females- NOT ok) I interact with" sucks when it happens, but I need to deal with it. The strong feelings I have that jump around and hide and resurface for the females that are a big part of my life- I know nothing is steady right now, it still changes from day to day and they need to be able to live their lives- so in that way, the being single is solving the issue.
I need to worry about me and just push everything else away until I find me and know and be ok with the fact that it'll take time and I will be stuck with feelings I don't know what to do with. I said I need to seek help and I will very soon. That will help loads with those feelings. I'm going to make active changes dammit, and I'm going to use a public forum as my accountability partner... Wow that seems really sad. I'm tired of this LJ being stricken with depressed whiney-gutting instead of insightful writing. Not to say it ever has been, but I'd like to at least feel the illusion that my writing goes beyond basic venting and into interesting observations and a thought process that has a corresponding progression. I want to become a better person, and I know from past experience there is nothing more satisfying, I just haven't made any progress in so long... well I've forgotten that I need to keep looking. Ok... gonna do it for real. Sleep now, and tomorrow I'm following up on a job opportunity, going to the gym, and enjoying some D&D. I'm gonna make that a stepping stone into being more active... I'm all over this like white on rice. I wonder if the "Fake it 'til you make it" motto applies to this situation? Ok... Before I'm incoherent... Wish me luck. I'll write more soon. I'll also reread my last couple entries... see what I can make of them in terms of progress and such. Right- sleeping.