AIM conversation
I had a really interesting conversation with my sister, and it really brought out the asshole in me. So if you wanna see how much of an asshole I am, then click the link below to read the AIM conversation. Oh, and this time I'm leaving all of the names intact, because I don't give a fuck.
[03:16:56] starpunklydia: the reason you're lonely is cause you don't spend time with Him, not cause you aren't surrounded by 10 real friends
[03:17:04] cloudsoverdreams: yeah I know
[03:17:16] cloudsoverdreams: I'm not concerned about that right now
[03:17:17] starpunklydia: don't put God on the shelf cause you don't have a car
[03:17:23] cloudsoverdreams: oh well
[03:17:26] starpunklydia: well, that is more important
[03:17:30] starpunklydia: that is what matters in the end
[03:17:34] cloudsoverdreams: not to me at this moment
[03:17:40] starpunklydia: and that is what will affect everything else
[03:17:41] starpunklydia: i know
[03:17:46] starpunklydia: and you're stupid for that
[03:17:50] starpunklydia: you are soo blind sometime
[03:17:59] cloudsoverdreams: you act like you think I don't know that
[03:18:04] starpunklydia: you know the solution, but you aren't willing to do your part
[03:18:13] starpunklydia: well you act like you don't know
[03:18:19] starpunklydia: cause you don't do anything about it
[03:18:39] cloudsoverdreams: I need to solve other things first
[03:18:51] starpunklydia: if you know what is right and don't do it, then i might as well treat you as if you didn't know what was right
[03:18:54] starpunklydia: whatever
[03:18:58] starpunklydia: you are soo full of it
[03:19:09] starpunklydia: you can't put God on hold, while you solve yourself
[03:19:18] cloudsoverdreams: well I'm not you, so don't expect me to do everything how you do it
[03:19:25] starpunklydia: you can't solve yourself without His help, are you forgetting that?!?!?!
[03:19:32] starpunklydia: it's not how i do it
[03:19:41] starpunklydia: it's the only way it's gonna get done
[03:19:56] starpunklydia: if you want friends, befriend your savior and creator
[03:20:02] cloudsoverdreams: well it's never worked in the past, and when it did, it was only for a short period of time
[03:20:12] starpunklydia: that's cause you gave up
[03:20:16] cloudsoverdreams: even if I do all of that, I'd just go back to where I am now
[03:20:17] starpunklydia: you stopping believing
[03:20:22] cloudsoverdreams: and I will continue to give up
[03:20:28] cloudsoverdreams: it's an endless process
[03:20:29] starpunklydia: that's putting faith in yourself and not in God
[03:20:36] starpunklydia: faith doesn't belong in you
[03:20:46] cloudsoverdreams: my mood determines that
[03:21:01] starpunklydia: God is strong, put your trust in HIm
[03:21:10] starpunklydia: and let His strength carry you
[03:21:12] cloudsoverdreams: I will once I have friends and a car
[03:21:17] starpunklydia: quit trying to carry Him
[03:21:25] starpunklydia: that is like saying you'll never do it
[03:21:30] cloudsoverdreams: I'm not doing so bad right now anyway, I'm just kinda busy
[03:21:43] starpunklydia: but once you have friends and a car, you will be so busy you won't have any time for Him
[03:22:02] starpunklydia: why would you need His help and love after you find it for yourself outside of Him???
[03:22:03] cloudsoverdreams: that is untrue, I am more eager to serve God when I'm happy
[03:22:12] cloudsoverdreams: because I'm weird like that
[03:22:24] starpunklydia: you need to be eager to serve God regardless of how you feel
[03:22:32] cloudsoverdreams: well I'm not at that point yet
[03:22:39] starpunklydia: well you need to get there
[03:22:45] cloudsoverdreams: maybe when I get an accountability partner
[03:22:46] starpunklydia: by putting your trust in Him
[03:22:50] starpunklydia: and not in your emotions
[03:22:53] cloudsoverdreams: you make it sound so easy
[03:22:56] starpunklydia: you're such a slave to them
[03:22:56] cloudsoverdreams: and it's not
[03:22:59] starpunklydia: and it's hurting you
[03:23:01] starpunklydia: and God
[03:23:04] cloudsoverdreams: I'm not dead yet
[03:23:07] starpunklydia: and everyone that truly cares about you
[03:23:12] cloudsoverdreams: hahahah right
[03:23:22] starpunklydia: for real
[03:23:24] cloudsoverdreams: who would fit into that category, you and umm...you
[03:23:26] starpunklydia: laugh all you want
[03:23:58] starpunklydia: you're afraid to let people care for you
[03:24:14] starpunklydia: cause you fear that you aren't worth love
[03:24:19] starpunklydia: or their time
[03:24:22] cloudsoverdreams: umm...no, it's just the simple fact that they don't
[03:24:29] cloudsoverdreams: if they really care, they'd show it
[03:24:33] starpunklydia: yet that is what you desire...people's time and concern
[03:24:37] cloudsoverdreams: otherwise, they might as well not
[03:24:50] starpunklydia: you don't let people get close to you
[03:25:01] cloudsoverdreams: well isolating myself is not drawing any concern from people, so that must not be true
[03:25:08] cloudsoverdreams: right, I have a phone, they can call me
[03:25:11] starpunklydia: you allow yourself to shutdown during verbal communication
[03:25:17] cloudsoverdreams: that requires no closeness
[03:25:24] starpunklydia: you make it soo hard for them and when they get frustrated, you give up
[03:25:25] cloudsoverdreams: like I said, they can call me
[03:25:36] cloudsoverdreams: well that is how I am, and I've always been that way
[03:25:44] starpunklydia: maybe you should work at it for once instead of expecitng everything to magically come to you
[03:25:52] cloudsoverdreams: if they really knew me, they'd know that I am like that
[03:25:59] cloudsoverdreams: work at it by doing what
[03:26:24] starpunklydia: by freaking picking up the phone and calling them
[03:26:34] cloudsoverdreams: ha yeah right, calling who
[03:26:38] starpunklydia: geez, you are such an act for attention and it isn't at all attractive
[03:26:54] cloudsoverdreams: if I really get to the point where it's that bad, I will call somebody
[03:26:56] starpunklydia: well, if you have no one to call then who are you expecting to call you???
[03:27:07] cloudsoverdreams: I don't know
[03:27:10] cloudsoverdreams: anyone
[03:27:13] cloudsoverdreams: it doesn't matter
[03:27:25] cloudsoverdreams: it's more about being able to talk to someone in general, than making friends
[03:27:49] cloudsoverdreams: it doesn't matter who calls me, I just want to talk to someone
[03:28:03] starpunklydia: if you wanna talk to someone, then call them
[03:28:15] starpunklydia: rather than expecting them to call you
[03:28:17] starpunklydia: grow up
[03:28:25] starpunklydia: you pride yourself on being so serious and mature
[03:28:34] starpunklydia: surely you are mature enough to make a phone call
[03:28:40] cloudsoverdreams: talking to them on the phone isn't the important thing, it's the fact that they would actually call me
[03:29:19] cloudsoverdreams: for someone to actually pick up the phone and call here to talk to me
[03:29:36] cloudsoverdreams: it doesn't matter who or what they talk about, as long as they're calling for me, and not show information
[03:29:49] cloudsoverdreams: that would show that they care
[03:29:56] cloudsoverdreams: and might possibly be concerned
[03:30:03] cloudsoverdreams: or curious
[03:30:12] cloudsoverdreams: me calling someone means nothing
[03:30:19] cloudsoverdreams: most people could care less if I called them
[03:30:30] cloudsoverdreams: I never have anything to say anyway
[03:30:47] cloudsoverdreams: I'm a better listener and replier
[03:31:38] cloudsoverdreams: so yeah, maybe I sit around wishing Jo or Dan or somebody would call, but it's not the same if I called them
[03:32:28] cloudsoverdreams: if I called them, it would be the same old thing of me putting 100% committment into whatever you'd call that a "friendship" or not
[03:32:33] cloudsoverdreams: I'm sick of having to do everything
[03:32:58] cloudsoverdreams: I always have to make all of the calls, and if I stop calling, they never call
[03:33:04] cloudsoverdreams: that shows that they really could care less
[03:33:32] cloudsoverdreams: and stuff
[03:34:14] cloudsoverdreams: I don't know, I just wanna be liked for being me, and I'm just going to do the same things I always do until someone stops to notice
[03:34:23] cloudsoverdreams: I'm sick of putting forth effort, only when I have to
[03:35:16] cloudsoverdreams: so I'll spend my life going to shows and hanging out with robots like Chris, Mark, and Austin, wishing I had real friends
[03:35:36] starpunklydia: think about how God feels towards you
[03:35:56] starpunklydia: you treat your relationship with Him the way chris and mark act towards you
[03:36:06] starpunklydia: He's waiting for you to call him already
[03:36:16] starpunklydia: to show that maybe you really do care
[03:36:18] cloudsoverdreams: now if only he was a real person on earth, and he didn't feel the same way about everybody else in the universe, then it would mean something
[03:36:32] cloudsoverdreams: I'm just another person
[03:36:40] cloudsoverdreams: just like everyone else is just another person
[03:36:46] starpunklydia: so his love isn't worth your time cause it's not exclusive to you?
[03:36:48] cloudsoverdreams: I don't want to be just another person
[03:36:54] cloudsoverdreams: yep, that's right
[03:37:06] starpunklydia: that's relaly selfish of you
[03:37:15] cloudsoverdreams: not really
[03:37:20] starpunklydia: yeah, totally
[03:37:23] cloudsoverdreams: ha no
[03:37:27] starpunklydia: like only you are important
[03:37:50] cloudsoverdreams: no, but some people are valued more by other people
[03:37:56] cloudsoverdreams: that's not how it is with God though
[03:37:59] starpunklydia: He cares about you more than you obviously want to know
[03:38:16] cloudsoverdreams: well he can't make anyone do anything
[03:38:21] cloudsoverdreams: he can't make people like me
[03:38:30] cloudsoverdreams: and he can't give me friends that I wouldn't find on my own
[03:38:36] cloudsoverdreams: because of a little thing called free will
[03:38:43] cloudsoverdreams: I don't need God to make friends
[03:39:09] cloudsoverdreams: yeah, maybe it would be easier that way though, but it also requires a lot more effort
[03:39:19] cloudsoverdreams: I could get the same results, I'd just have to wait longer
[03:39:31] cloudsoverdreams: maybe waiting until I die, but oh well
[03:39:36] cloudsoverdreams: it will keep me going
[03:39:53] starpunklydia: you are so full of it
[03:40:07] cloudsoverdreams: I know I am
[03:40:27] cloudsoverdreams: that's what happens when you try to justify actions that aren't justifiable
[03:40:32] cloudsoverdreams: it's all just a bunch of words
[03:40:47] cloudsoverdreams: a bunch of lies for me to believe so I think I'm doing something that's not so bad
[03:40:58] cloudsoverdreams: because I can't deal with the truth
[03:40:59] starpunklydia: God will give you great friends, ones you can't find on your own but only after you acknowledge Him as the greatest friend and the only friend you really need...you obviously aren't willing to rely only on Him right now...you keep fighitng as if you know better, while knowing the entire time that you are wrong
[03:41:00] cloudsoverdreams: and I don't want to
[03:41:16] starpunklydia: well you need to
[03:41:20] starpunklydia: you can't run forever
[03:41:24] starpunklydia: you'll die trying
[03:41:27] starpunklydia: and won't that suck
[03:41:41] cloudsoverdreams: you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else, even God
[03:41:45] cloudsoverdreams: and I'm not there yet
[03:41:50] cloudsoverdreams: you'll know when I am
[03:42:29] starpunklydia: i don't think you're too far
[03:42:38] starpunklydia: you much closer than mom and her tummy operation
[03:44:03] starpunklydia: what i don't get is how you expect other people to really love you when you don't even truly love you and you know you better than they do or ever will
[03:44:07] starpunklydia: that is something to chew on
[03:44:36] cloudsoverdreams: oh well, I've lived with myself my whole life, it gets old and tiring at times
[03:44:47] cloudsoverdreams: it's hard to like someone you're around so much
[03:44:52] starpunklydia: well, i think you're great
[03:44:54] starpunklydia: !!!
[03:44:55] starpunklydia: :)
[03:45:06] starpunklydia: when you're not trying to justify what you know is wrong
[03:45:12] starpunklydia: try being honest with yourself
[03:45:14] cloudsoverdreams: well I wish I could get that coming from someone that is not my sister
[03:45:21] cloudsoverdreams: not that I think any less of you because of that
[03:45:24] cloudsoverdreams: it's just not the same
[03:45:25] starpunklydia: and maybe people with be honest with you about their own lives
[03:46:16] starpunklydia: well, i'm sorry that your sister and your God care about you so much and you realize the extent of their love...maybe you should stop dwelling on what you don't have for 2 seconds and appreciate what you do have
[03:46:24] starpunklydia: try being satisfied in that
[03:46:34] cloudsoverdreams: it all comes down to the fact that I care about other people more than myself and will sacrifice myself for other people, it's always been that way
[03:46:43] starpunklydia: it starts with not comparing yourself to others and what they have or what it seems like they have
[03:47:01] starpunklydia: well, you gotta learn to care for yourself
[03:47:19] cloudsoverdreams: this is not about what I don't have, this is about what other people think of me
[03:47:19] starpunklydia: surely if you have that much love to give, you can direct some towards yourself
[03:47:38] starpunklydia: it doesn't matter what others think of you
[03:47:41] cloudsoverdreams: it's not about me comparing, it's about how they view me, and how I'm so used to that, that it becomes true to me
[03:47:47] starpunklydia: you need to be concerned with what you think of you
[03:48:00] cloudsoverdreams: you're right, it doesn't matter, but it gets to you after living with it for 17 years
[03:48:05] starpunklydia: you are your worst enemy
[03:48:08] cloudsoverdreams: I know that
[03:48:10] starpunklydia: you are the only one out to get you
[03:48:16] starpunklydia: you are the only one tearing you down
[03:48:30] cloudsoverdreams: at least I don't change myself for other people, I just hate myself for not being approved of
[03:48:38] starpunklydia: how can you expect everyone to build you up, when you destroy all the work they put into caring for you
[03:48:51] cloudsoverdreams: there is no work they put in me
[03:49:04] starpunklydia: whatever
[03:49:12] cloudsoverdreams: only person looking out for me is myself
[03:49:25] cloudsoverdreams: majority of things I've learned and had to deal with were all from me
[03:49:32] starpunklydia: you shouldn't base how you feel about yourself according to other's "approval" of you
[03:49:53] starpunklydia: just be another robot like mom
[03:50:10] starpunklydia: that will get you approval from plastic people, the majority
[03:50:22] starpunklydia: then will you feel loved enough that you can let yourself love you?
[03:50:24] starpunklydia: probably not
[03:50:33] cloudsoverdreams: I wouldn't have to be a robot if things were better, I'm not a robot by choice, and it will stop if things get better
[03:50:39] starpunklydia: you talk in circles
[03:50:42] cloudsoverdreams: so
[03:50:43] starpunklydia: don't you ever get tired
[03:50:44] starpunklydia: ?
[03:50:46] cloudsoverdreams: no
[03:50:52] cloudsoverdreams: I can do this forever
[03:50:58] cloudsoverdreams: it's better than anything else I do
[03:50:58] starpunklydia: don't you ever just wanna go forward, in a straight line
[03:51:05] starpunklydia: reaching your destination?
[03:51:10] starpunklydia: quit sidetracking
[03:51:19] starpunklydia: you waste so much time covering the same ground
[03:51:20] cloudsoverdreams: no, if it's not worth it
[03:51:31] starpunklydia: you've been here, you've learned from it, now move on
[03:51:36] starpunklydia: get over yourself!
[03:51:41] cloudsoverdreams: and I will continue to cover this ground until someone cares enough to get me out
[03:51:51] cloudsoverdreams: and no, God doesn't count
[03:52:09] starpunklydia: i guess i don't either
[03:52:18] starpunklydia: and frankly, you make me sick and tired of trying
[03:52:18] cloudsoverdreams: and no, he's not the only one who can get me out either
[03:52:24] cloudsoverdreams: oh well
[03:52:27] starpunklydia: you will figure it out when you really want to
[03:52:37] starpunklydia: when you are ready to face God and trust Him
[03:52:39] cloudsoverdreams: I will figure it out when I HAVE to
[03:52:46] starpunklydia: until then you can talk to yourself about it
[03:52:59] cloudsoverdreams: I don't know though, even in a life or death situation, I'd probably chose death
[03:53:13] starpunklydia: well, people get sick of listening to people complain about the same problems when they have the answers
[03:53:23] cloudsoverdreams: I would think that when things got bad enough that I'd give in, but I'm too stubborn
[03:53:27] starpunklydia: you're gonna have to be willing to change, otherwise quit complaining
[03:53:31] starpunklydia: you lost your right
[03:53:39] cloudsoverdreams: change what, it's not about me, it's about them
[03:53:46] cloudsoverdreams: and I cannot change them
[03:53:49] cloudsoverdreams: and God can't either
[03:53:57] cloudsoverdreams: so I'm screwed
[03:54:06] starpunklydia: you screw yourself
[03:54:11] starpunklydia: it's all in your head
[03:54:14] starpunklydia: and it's all about you
[03:54:21] starpunklydia: it has nothing to do with anyone else
[03:54:26] cloudsoverdreams: only because it's my defence mechanism
[03:54:34] cloudsoverdreams: I'll keep telling myself that
[03:54:39] starpunklydia: quit bieng so fucking defensive
[03:54:43] cloudsoverdreams: ha
[03:54:53] cloudsoverdreams: I will when I have a reason not to be
[03:54:57] starpunklydia: you're pushing me away and i actaually care
[03:55:05] starpunklydia: that should be reason enough
[03:55:15] cloudsoverdreams: what am I doing that is hurting you?
[03:55:24] cloudsoverdreams: yeah, things aren't so great with me and God, but that's about it
[03:55:42] *** starpunklydia signed off at Sun Feb 02 03:55:42 2003.
[03:16:56] starpunklydia: the reason you're lonely is cause you don't spend time with Him, not cause you aren't surrounded by 10 real friends
[03:17:04] cloudsoverdreams: yeah I know
[03:17:16] cloudsoverdreams: I'm not concerned about that right now
[03:17:17] starpunklydia: don't put God on the shelf cause you don't have a car
[03:17:23] cloudsoverdreams: oh well
[03:17:26] starpunklydia: well, that is more important
[03:17:30] starpunklydia: that is what matters in the end
[03:17:34] cloudsoverdreams: not to me at this moment
[03:17:40] starpunklydia: and that is what will affect everything else
[03:17:41] starpunklydia: i know
[03:17:46] starpunklydia: and you're stupid for that
[03:17:50] starpunklydia: you are soo blind sometime
[03:17:59] cloudsoverdreams: you act like you think I don't know that
[03:18:04] starpunklydia: you know the solution, but you aren't willing to do your part
[03:18:13] starpunklydia: well you act like you don't know
[03:18:19] starpunklydia: cause you don't do anything about it
[03:18:39] cloudsoverdreams: I need to solve other things first
[03:18:51] starpunklydia: if you know what is right and don't do it, then i might as well treat you as if you didn't know what was right
[03:18:54] starpunklydia: whatever
[03:18:58] starpunklydia: you are soo full of it
[03:19:09] starpunklydia: you can't put God on hold, while you solve yourself
[03:19:18] cloudsoverdreams: well I'm not you, so don't expect me to do everything how you do it
[03:19:25] starpunklydia: you can't solve yourself without His help, are you forgetting that?!?!?!
[03:19:32] starpunklydia: it's not how i do it
[03:19:41] starpunklydia: it's the only way it's gonna get done
[03:19:56] starpunklydia: if you want friends, befriend your savior and creator
[03:20:02] cloudsoverdreams: well it's never worked in the past, and when it did, it was only for a short period of time
[03:20:12] starpunklydia: that's cause you gave up
[03:20:16] cloudsoverdreams: even if I do all of that, I'd just go back to where I am now
[03:20:17] starpunklydia: you stopping believing
[03:20:22] cloudsoverdreams: and I will continue to give up
[03:20:28] cloudsoverdreams: it's an endless process
[03:20:29] starpunklydia: that's putting faith in yourself and not in God
[03:20:36] starpunklydia: faith doesn't belong in you
[03:20:46] cloudsoverdreams: my mood determines that
[03:21:01] starpunklydia: God is strong, put your trust in HIm
[03:21:10] starpunklydia: and let His strength carry you
[03:21:12] cloudsoverdreams: I will once I have friends and a car
[03:21:17] starpunklydia: quit trying to carry Him
[03:21:25] starpunklydia: that is like saying you'll never do it
[03:21:30] cloudsoverdreams: I'm not doing so bad right now anyway, I'm just kinda busy
[03:21:43] starpunklydia: but once you have friends and a car, you will be so busy you won't have any time for Him
[03:22:02] starpunklydia: why would you need His help and love after you find it for yourself outside of Him???
[03:22:03] cloudsoverdreams: that is untrue, I am more eager to serve God when I'm happy
[03:22:12] cloudsoverdreams: because I'm weird like that
[03:22:24] starpunklydia: you need to be eager to serve God regardless of how you feel
[03:22:32] cloudsoverdreams: well I'm not at that point yet
[03:22:39] starpunklydia: well you need to get there
[03:22:45] cloudsoverdreams: maybe when I get an accountability partner
[03:22:46] starpunklydia: by putting your trust in Him
[03:22:50] starpunklydia: and not in your emotions
[03:22:53] cloudsoverdreams: you make it sound so easy
[03:22:56] starpunklydia: you're such a slave to them
[03:22:56] cloudsoverdreams: and it's not
[03:22:59] starpunklydia: and it's hurting you
[03:23:01] starpunklydia: and God
[03:23:04] cloudsoverdreams: I'm not dead yet
[03:23:07] starpunklydia: and everyone that truly cares about you
[03:23:12] cloudsoverdreams: hahahah right
[03:23:22] starpunklydia: for real
[03:23:24] cloudsoverdreams: who would fit into that category, you and umm...you
[03:23:26] starpunklydia: laugh all you want
[03:23:58] starpunklydia: you're afraid to let people care for you
[03:24:14] starpunklydia: cause you fear that you aren't worth love
[03:24:19] starpunklydia: or their time
[03:24:22] cloudsoverdreams: umm...no, it's just the simple fact that they don't
[03:24:29] cloudsoverdreams: if they really care, they'd show it
[03:24:33] starpunklydia: yet that is what you desire...people's time and concern
[03:24:37] cloudsoverdreams: otherwise, they might as well not
[03:24:50] starpunklydia: you don't let people get close to you
[03:25:01] cloudsoverdreams: well isolating myself is not drawing any concern from people, so that must not be true
[03:25:08] cloudsoverdreams: right, I have a phone, they can call me
[03:25:11] starpunklydia: you allow yourself to shutdown during verbal communication
[03:25:17] cloudsoverdreams: that requires no closeness
[03:25:24] starpunklydia: you make it soo hard for them and when they get frustrated, you give up
[03:25:25] cloudsoverdreams: like I said, they can call me
[03:25:36] cloudsoverdreams: well that is how I am, and I've always been that way
[03:25:44] starpunklydia: maybe you should work at it for once instead of expecitng everything to magically come to you
[03:25:52] cloudsoverdreams: if they really knew me, they'd know that I am like that
[03:25:59] cloudsoverdreams: work at it by doing what
[03:26:24] starpunklydia: by freaking picking up the phone and calling them
[03:26:34] cloudsoverdreams: ha yeah right, calling who
[03:26:38] starpunklydia: geez, you are such an act for attention and it isn't at all attractive
[03:26:54] cloudsoverdreams: if I really get to the point where it's that bad, I will call somebody
[03:26:56] starpunklydia: well, if you have no one to call then who are you expecting to call you???
[03:27:07] cloudsoverdreams: I don't know
[03:27:10] cloudsoverdreams: anyone
[03:27:13] cloudsoverdreams: it doesn't matter
[03:27:25] cloudsoverdreams: it's more about being able to talk to someone in general, than making friends
[03:27:49] cloudsoverdreams: it doesn't matter who calls me, I just want to talk to someone
[03:28:03] starpunklydia: if you wanna talk to someone, then call them
[03:28:15] starpunklydia: rather than expecting them to call you
[03:28:17] starpunklydia: grow up
[03:28:25] starpunklydia: you pride yourself on being so serious and mature
[03:28:34] starpunklydia: surely you are mature enough to make a phone call
[03:28:40] cloudsoverdreams: talking to them on the phone isn't the important thing, it's the fact that they would actually call me
[03:29:19] cloudsoverdreams: for someone to actually pick up the phone and call here to talk to me
[03:29:36] cloudsoverdreams: it doesn't matter who or what they talk about, as long as they're calling for me, and not show information
[03:29:49] cloudsoverdreams: that would show that they care
[03:29:56] cloudsoverdreams: and might possibly be concerned
[03:30:03] cloudsoverdreams: or curious
[03:30:12] cloudsoverdreams: me calling someone means nothing
[03:30:19] cloudsoverdreams: most people could care less if I called them
[03:30:30] cloudsoverdreams: I never have anything to say anyway
[03:30:47] cloudsoverdreams: I'm a better listener and replier
[03:31:38] cloudsoverdreams: so yeah, maybe I sit around wishing Jo or Dan or somebody would call, but it's not the same if I called them
[03:32:28] cloudsoverdreams: if I called them, it would be the same old thing of me putting 100% committment into whatever you'd call that a "friendship" or not
[03:32:33] cloudsoverdreams: I'm sick of having to do everything
[03:32:58] cloudsoverdreams: I always have to make all of the calls, and if I stop calling, they never call
[03:33:04] cloudsoverdreams: that shows that they really could care less
[03:33:32] cloudsoverdreams: and stuff
[03:34:14] cloudsoverdreams: I don't know, I just wanna be liked for being me, and I'm just going to do the same things I always do until someone stops to notice
[03:34:23] cloudsoverdreams: I'm sick of putting forth effort, only when I have to
[03:35:16] cloudsoverdreams: so I'll spend my life going to shows and hanging out with robots like Chris, Mark, and Austin, wishing I had real friends
[03:35:36] starpunklydia: think about how God feels towards you
[03:35:56] starpunklydia: you treat your relationship with Him the way chris and mark act towards you
[03:36:06] starpunklydia: He's waiting for you to call him already
[03:36:16] starpunklydia: to show that maybe you really do care
[03:36:18] cloudsoverdreams: now if only he was a real person on earth, and he didn't feel the same way about everybody else in the universe, then it would mean something
[03:36:32] cloudsoverdreams: I'm just another person
[03:36:40] cloudsoverdreams: just like everyone else is just another person
[03:36:46] starpunklydia: so his love isn't worth your time cause it's not exclusive to you?
[03:36:48] cloudsoverdreams: I don't want to be just another person
[03:36:54] cloudsoverdreams: yep, that's right
[03:37:06] starpunklydia: that's relaly selfish of you
[03:37:15] cloudsoverdreams: not really
[03:37:20] starpunklydia: yeah, totally
[03:37:23] cloudsoverdreams: ha no
[03:37:27] starpunklydia: like only you are important
[03:37:50] cloudsoverdreams: no, but some people are valued more by other people
[03:37:56] cloudsoverdreams: that's not how it is with God though
[03:37:59] starpunklydia: He cares about you more than you obviously want to know
[03:38:16] cloudsoverdreams: well he can't make anyone do anything
[03:38:21] cloudsoverdreams: he can't make people like me
[03:38:30] cloudsoverdreams: and he can't give me friends that I wouldn't find on my own
[03:38:36] cloudsoverdreams: because of a little thing called free will
[03:38:43] cloudsoverdreams: I don't need God to make friends
[03:39:09] cloudsoverdreams: yeah, maybe it would be easier that way though, but it also requires a lot more effort
[03:39:19] cloudsoverdreams: I could get the same results, I'd just have to wait longer
[03:39:31] cloudsoverdreams: maybe waiting until I die, but oh well
[03:39:36] cloudsoverdreams: it will keep me going
[03:39:53] starpunklydia: you are so full of it
[03:40:07] cloudsoverdreams: I know I am
[03:40:27] cloudsoverdreams: that's what happens when you try to justify actions that aren't justifiable
[03:40:32] cloudsoverdreams: it's all just a bunch of words
[03:40:47] cloudsoverdreams: a bunch of lies for me to believe so I think I'm doing something that's not so bad
[03:40:58] cloudsoverdreams: because I can't deal with the truth
[03:40:59] starpunklydia: God will give you great friends, ones you can't find on your own but only after you acknowledge Him as the greatest friend and the only friend you really need...you obviously aren't willing to rely only on Him right now...you keep fighitng as if you know better, while knowing the entire time that you are wrong
[03:41:00] cloudsoverdreams: and I don't want to
[03:41:16] starpunklydia: well you need to
[03:41:20] starpunklydia: you can't run forever
[03:41:24] starpunklydia: you'll die trying
[03:41:27] starpunklydia: and won't that suck
[03:41:41] cloudsoverdreams: you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else, even God
[03:41:45] cloudsoverdreams: and I'm not there yet
[03:41:50] cloudsoverdreams: you'll know when I am
[03:42:29] starpunklydia: i don't think you're too far
[03:42:38] starpunklydia: you much closer than mom and her tummy operation
[03:44:03] starpunklydia: what i don't get is how you expect other people to really love you when you don't even truly love you and you know you better than they do or ever will
[03:44:07] starpunklydia: that is something to chew on
[03:44:36] cloudsoverdreams: oh well, I've lived with myself my whole life, it gets old and tiring at times
[03:44:47] cloudsoverdreams: it's hard to like someone you're around so much
[03:44:52] starpunklydia: well, i think you're great
[03:44:54] starpunklydia: !!!
[03:44:55] starpunklydia: :)
[03:45:06] starpunklydia: when you're not trying to justify what you know is wrong
[03:45:12] starpunklydia: try being honest with yourself
[03:45:14] cloudsoverdreams: well I wish I could get that coming from someone that is not my sister
[03:45:21] cloudsoverdreams: not that I think any less of you because of that
[03:45:24] cloudsoverdreams: it's just not the same
[03:45:25] starpunklydia: and maybe people with be honest with you about their own lives
[03:46:16] starpunklydia: well, i'm sorry that your sister and your God care about you so much and you realize the extent of their love...maybe you should stop dwelling on what you don't have for 2 seconds and appreciate what you do have
[03:46:24] starpunklydia: try being satisfied in that
[03:46:34] cloudsoverdreams: it all comes down to the fact that I care about other people more than myself and will sacrifice myself for other people, it's always been that way
[03:46:43] starpunklydia: it starts with not comparing yourself to others and what they have or what it seems like they have
[03:47:01] starpunklydia: well, you gotta learn to care for yourself
[03:47:19] cloudsoverdreams: this is not about what I don't have, this is about what other people think of me
[03:47:19] starpunklydia: surely if you have that much love to give, you can direct some towards yourself
[03:47:38] starpunklydia: it doesn't matter what others think of you
[03:47:41] cloudsoverdreams: it's not about me comparing, it's about how they view me, and how I'm so used to that, that it becomes true to me
[03:47:47] starpunklydia: you need to be concerned with what you think of you
[03:48:00] cloudsoverdreams: you're right, it doesn't matter, but it gets to you after living with it for 17 years
[03:48:05] starpunklydia: you are your worst enemy
[03:48:08] cloudsoverdreams: I know that
[03:48:10] starpunklydia: you are the only one out to get you
[03:48:16] starpunklydia: you are the only one tearing you down
[03:48:30] cloudsoverdreams: at least I don't change myself for other people, I just hate myself for not being approved of
[03:48:38] starpunklydia: how can you expect everyone to build you up, when you destroy all the work they put into caring for you
[03:48:51] cloudsoverdreams: there is no work they put in me
[03:49:04] starpunklydia: whatever
[03:49:12] cloudsoverdreams: only person looking out for me is myself
[03:49:25] cloudsoverdreams: majority of things I've learned and had to deal with were all from me
[03:49:32] starpunklydia: you shouldn't base how you feel about yourself according to other's "approval" of you
[03:49:53] starpunklydia: just be another robot like mom
[03:50:10] starpunklydia: that will get you approval from plastic people, the majority
[03:50:22] starpunklydia: then will you feel loved enough that you can let yourself love you?
[03:50:24] starpunklydia: probably not
[03:50:33] cloudsoverdreams: I wouldn't have to be a robot if things were better, I'm not a robot by choice, and it will stop if things get better
[03:50:39] starpunklydia: you talk in circles
[03:50:42] cloudsoverdreams: so
[03:50:43] starpunklydia: don't you ever get tired
[03:50:44] starpunklydia: ?
[03:50:46] cloudsoverdreams: no
[03:50:52] cloudsoverdreams: I can do this forever
[03:50:58] cloudsoverdreams: it's better than anything else I do
[03:50:58] starpunklydia: don't you ever just wanna go forward, in a straight line
[03:51:05] starpunklydia: reaching your destination?
[03:51:10] starpunklydia: quit sidetracking
[03:51:19] starpunklydia: you waste so much time covering the same ground
[03:51:20] cloudsoverdreams: no, if it's not worth it
[03:51:31] starpunklydia: you've been here, you've learned from it, now move on
[03:51:36] starpunklydia: get over yourself!
[03:51:41] cloudsoverdreams: and I will continue to cover this ground until someone cares enough to get me out
[03:51:51] cloudsoverdreams: and no, God doesn't count
[03:52:09] starpunklydia: i guess i don't either
[03:52:18] starpunklydia: and frankly, you make me sick and tired of trying
[03:52:18] cloudsoverdreams: and no, he's not the only one who can get me out either
[03:52:24] cloudsoverdreams: oh well
[03:52:27] starpunklydia: you will figure it out when you really want to
[03:52:37] starpunklydia: when you are ready to face God and trust Him
[03:52:39] cloudsoverdreams: I will figure it out when I HAVE to
[03:52:46] starpunklydia: until then you can talk to yourself about it
[03:52:59] cloudsoverdreams: I don't know though, even in a life or death situation, I'd probably chose death
[03:53:13] starpunklydia: well, people get sick of listening to people complain about the same problems when they have the answers
[03:53:23] cloudsoverdreams: I would think that when things got bad enough that I'd give in, but I'm too stubborn
[03:53:27] starpunklydia: you're gonna have to be willing to change, otherwise quit complaining
[03:53:31] starpunklydia: you lost your right
[03:53:39] cloudsoverdreams: change what, it's not about me, it's about them
[03:53:46] cloudsoverdreams: and I cannot change them
[03:53:49] cloudsoverdreams: and God can't either
[03:53:57] cloudsoverdreams: so I'm screwed
[03:54:06] starpunklydia: you screw yourself
[03:54:11] starpunklydia: it's all in your head
[03:54:14] starpunklydia: and it's all about you
[03:54:21] starpunklydia: it has nothing to do with anyone else
[03:54:26] cloudsoverdreams: only because it's my defence mechanism
[03:54:34] cloudsoverdreams: I'll keep telling myself that
[03:54:39] starpunklydia: quit bieng so fucking defensive
[03:54:43] cloudsoverdreams: ha
[03:54:53] cloudsoverdreams: I will when I have a reason not to be
[03:54:57] starpunklydia: you're pushing me away and i actaually care
[03:55:05] starpunklydia: that should be reason enough
[03:55:15] cloudsoverdreams: what am I doing that is hurting you?
[03:55:24] cloudsoverdreams: yeah, things aren't so great with me and God, but that's about it
[03:55:42] *** starpunklydia signed off at Sun Feb 02 03:55:42 2003.