Hold on Children.
I don’t think “rock bottom” is quit the cliché I’m looking for, maybe something more like the one about the camel and his back is more appropriate. That doesn’t really work either though because there wasn’t just one straw that broke anything. Years of abuse have landed me here. Where is here you ask? Good question, part of the problem is I don’t know. Everything about myself that I thought I had figured out has more or less recently been called into question. It’s like this; I used to believe that I had a very firm understanding of myself. Simple things such as my morals values and my understanding of how the world works and how I as a human being interact with the world are no longer things I understand. I guess you could say I’m having an existential crisis. I used to know what I wanted from life, now I can’t remember why I’ve made the choices I have. Why did I stick with Tully’s for 4 years? For those of you who don’t know as of this coming Friday I am no longer employed at Tully’s. (More on this later.) Why do I shy away from love so much? Why do people think I’m 25? Why is my name being used as an adjective to describe me? Why do I care so much? Why do I take care of others emotional needs before my own, even at the cost of my own happiness?
As you can see I have my questions and my answers are in very short supply. I’ve decided that rather than waste my time trying to answer these questions I am going to change the questions themselves. For example; I’ve told Tully’s to go fuck themselves. My manager is out of town, she wont be back until Wednesday and my last day is Friday. I fired my replacement and hired 2 new people to take over for me. When my manager gets back she is going to kill me. I’ve decided that I don’t really give a fuck.
I’ve decided that love will be the death of me. I have an intense amount of love inside me just waiting for the right person to bear it upon. The only thing I would ask in return from that person was their love. I love Dana, she will never love me in the way I would need her too. I am an asshole, but not in the way that she needs from a man so I need to let her go. After a year and a half I’ve finally said my goodbye to Lindsay It’s time for us to move on. I think I’m ready to love again. If I’m not ready oh fucking well. I am not going to spend any more time feeling like I am alone and unlovable. I used to think that I was incapable of being loved. That I was somehow broken in a way that made loving me with out me destroying you impossible. There is no such thing as an unlovable person, the trick is to find another person who is just as fucked up as you are and hold on for dear life cause it’s going to be a rocky road. Everybody has problems, the key is to find a person who’s problems compliment those of your own. I believe in the idea of two people completing each other. You take two people and there problems, you throw them together to create one normally functioning human being. There is a woman out there who will be able to love me, and I will show her a love she never thought possible.
The fact that I care so deeply and honestly for other people is something I have come to cherish. I’ve realized how rare it is in this world. I do not want to change into some caulis heartless bastard. I will continue to care, even if it kills me.
Ben is not an adjective. Ben is a name, not my personality. My personality is not one dimensional, so stop describing it like that.
And seriously people I’m 20, where did you ever get the idea that I’m older than that? I don’t want to be older than I am. I’ve spent all my life about five years ahead of where I should be and I want those fucking 5 years back.
Other people come before me because that’s all I’ve ever known. When I was a child I remember being the one to comfort my Mom when Tim left or when that son of a bitch finally told us one of his dirty little secrets. It has always been my duty to be there for people in there time of need. Aside from his genetics that’s the only thing my father ever gave me.
I ready to be something different now. I will be something different. I am something different.