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Dec 17, 2009 00:35

Baby, when we look back on the time we spent together ( Read more... )

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almostzero December 22 2009, 10:09:30 UTC
It's really distracting for me that the poem is all the first part of a sentence: "Baby when we look back..." and then you never resolve it. What happens when you look back.

In fact that's the problem with the last two lines. They don't finish the thought, they start with And! Unless it's supposed to be deliberately jarring, I think you'll know the last two lines when you know what happens when "baby we look back."

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thepitcasualty December 29 2009, 09:50:13 UTC
wow yeah you're right

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thepitcasualty January 3 2010, 19:03:26 UTC
fixed it

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almostzero January 3 2010, 23:55:02 UTC
yeah you did! that reads better to me.

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