[One-shot] Separated
Title: Separated
Pairing: Ohmiya
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.
Summary: After a year, Nino comes home. Nothing has changed from the day he left...
A/N: This is unbeta-ed, since my beta reader is so busy with her study (ganbatte ne!) so I might make mistakes m(-.-)m. And... it's angst. I don't know what came into me when I wrote this, and when I finished the last sentence - withou realising it, I cried. I don't know if I could convey the feeling to you, but I tried my best. Hope you will enjoy it ^^. Comments are really loved <33333
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He finally came home.
It was a bright day with a cloudless sky and the warm sunlight was dancing happily on the ground lead to their house. The wind blew slightly through the trees in the garden, made them shivering with a welcoming sound that he used to listen to everyday from the window on a peaceful morning, which was now so far away. The butterflies were hovering above the sunny flowers, the colors they brought made the garden more alive than before he had left. All this familiar feeling made his heart fluttered. He missed this so much.
The house was still the same with the day he had left, with its fading blue-paint, the wood door and the white windows opening slightly with the curtain covered the glasses. The front door was now closed, standing silently, watching him curiously, as if they had finally forgotten his existence, since he had left for too long. It was a year already since the last time he had walked past the threshold, had been welcomed home by the person he loved the most in this world, had spent his days happily and peacefully, without worry and scare for the future. The days that they were being together, sharing their lives, laughing, crying, singing, caring, understanding… The days he had realized how beautiful life was, and how simple happiness was. All of those were his precious days, the memories were still marked in his mind with the same emotion, the same feeling with the past. With him beside Nino felt like he didn’t need anyone else, he didn’t want anything else and he was the happiest person in the world. The days that he could never forget, no matter how long he had left, no matter how long they were separated, the sparkling past could never be faded away. It was shining everyday in his mind, it was singing sweetly in his soul. It was the first thing he thought about at morning, and it also was the last thing he remembers at night. It was the irreplaceable memories that he knew he would never have a chance to experience again.
With a slight smile, he opened the door quietly. No sound came out. He stepped into the familiar house; sudden warmth surrounded his body with the beloved scent he had loved so much. It was the same warmth with those days. He felt happiness was growing in his chest, the nice scent absorbed into his mind, he closed his eyes to enjoy the welcoming feeling he could always felt whenever he was at his home.
Their home.
“I’m home” He murmured, more than with himself that he was sure no one could here it. The sound didn’t come out his mouth, his salutation just hang over in the air, slightly, slowly disappeared with a wistful feeling. He could hear it echoing in his mind, but no one could hear it. It was inaudible with the whole world.
He walked pass the living room, so quiet that he couldn’t hear his own footstep. The table was covered by newspapers and magazines that he saw many pages had been torn from them and scattered around. He came to one of it and took a piece. It was the newspapers from a year ago. He was so surprise that it was still there. There was a layer of dust all over the covers, that he thought might be no one had touched it for a long time. The teapot was left alone on the floor, beside the cushions. There were cups lying about the corner of the room, they were all empty and dry, as if they were ignored there for centuries. He shook his head slowly, so this was how he would turn out without him beside. He had told him many times before; he would surely be worried for him if he didn’t promise…
He collected the papers, piled them up and put it carefully on a side of the table. He came closer to the window, with the curtain was swaying slightly above the cactus pot, the sunlight was shining through the slender fabric, tried to brighten the cheerless room with all its color. Nino stretched his hand, opening the curtain widely that the sunlight now was flowing to each corner of the room, made it once again come back to live. The butterflies were wandering around outside the window, as they flied lazily above the cactus flowers. The room was a little more colorful, compared with the darkness and loneliness which had been all over the tiny place.
You had promised. Nino thought.
He came to the kitchen; the cold was still remained there, as if no one had used it for a very long time. He now couldn’t smell the familiar scent of their kitchen, which had been always smelled spicy, like cinnamon. Ohno had said countless time before that he wanted to own a bakery, so they had always baked cakes and cookies. He could see the picture in which they were laughing happily with each other, their hand were posing a victory sign, their faces was white from flour. He smiled gently, the memory picture was still there, hanging on the wall, and never be took away. Whenever they looked at it, they would feel the same feeling with that day, when they had always been together, when they had always fooled around in this small kitchen, he had always hold Ohno back whenever the older man tried to escape after teasing him. They had always bursted into laugh after each man was covered by flour and sugar, and Nino had always placed a slight kiss on Ohno’s cheeks, tasted the sweet remaining on them and Ohno had always smiled happily, buried his face to Nino’s neck that his hair had always been tickling the younger man’s sensitive skin. They had always felt so happy that they had never thought one day everything would go - suddenly and unexpectedly, in a most hurtful way.
They had never thought they could be tore apart.
Nino came to their table, it was placed lonely in the middle of the room, waited quietly that someone would come and bring it back to use.
The table was covered with dust too. Nino winced. He had told him countless time before that he hated it when it was dusty. Ohno had just pouted adorably with him and he had promised that he would never let it be like that anymore, as long as Nino would stop complaining about so many things. And Ohno had kept his promise from then too, since he had cleaned it carefully whenever he saw dust on it. But now, after a year, when Nino came back, Ohno didn’t keep that habit anymore.
Nino hesitated, and then used his finger to wipe away the dust, made a regular symbol on the table.
Love you.
He smiled, and turned away. The sentence he always wanted to write, the words he always wanted to say, and if he could, he wanted to say it forever. The words just kept dancing in his heart, buzzing in his mind that made him go insane with the desire to say it out loud, to convey it, to express it, for each day of his life.
He came to their bedroom. The door closed slightly, as if the man didn’t want to close it completely, there was still a small gap that Nino could see through it. The room was dim, even though it was day time; there was no sunlight in the bedroom. Nino opened the door slowly, tried his best to not disturb the sleeping man on the bed. He was covered by a huge blanket, his face buried into his pillow, his arms were holding another pillow tightly. Nino’s heart ached seeing the lonely expression on his lover’s face.
He came closer to the man, who was still not aware of his presence, kneeled down beside him. He watched him sleeping silently. It was a year he hadn’t seen him, and he could never express how much he missed him, how much he missed the feeling touching the man in front of him. He was so scared that he would gradually forget the familiar face that he always loved so much. He was so scared that one day he would forget how to love him, and how he used to love him so much. He was so scared that the distance of time and space would simply tore them apart without excuses, and they wouldn’t be able to resist it. But when he was sitting here, contemplating the person he loved for his whole life, all those worries just became so stupid that he almost laughed at himself. There was no way he would stop loving this man, there was no way he would stop remembering this eyes, this smile, everything about him that had become part of his soul. There was no way he could forget everything they had spent together, everything they had built together. There was no way he could forget the happiness, the rapture he had experienced with him beside, the fond memories were now flowing in his mind like a gentle wind easing all the pain that always suffering him. He leaned closed, feeling his breath melting his face, and slightly put a kiss on those lips that he missed so much. The warmth from it made his heart fluttered, as he was longing for this for too long.
He wished he could stop time, for this moment to be eternal.
The man stirred under his touch and then opened his eyes slowly. He was startled, but he sat still beside the bed. Only when he looked at his deep brown eyes and realized how much he loved them, Nino’s lip curved with a slight smile. Whenever he stared into those eyes, he could see all his dreams in it. It contained his life.
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Ohno had woken up. He sat on the bed, his hand rubbing his temple tiredly. Last night he couldn’t sleep, since all the bad memories just came back, like a flood that he couldn’t help but crying his heart out, until he felt like he had no more tear remain in his eyes. It was a year already, but he just couldn’t come back to his normal life, before all that happened. His eyes wandered around the room, it was so messy that he was tired of cleaning it. He had ignored it for days, not only the bedroom but also the whole house. He couldn’t see the meaning of cleaning it, since Nino had gone, and he would never come back. He had left him, all of sudden, and until now the wound he had left in his heart hadn’t healed yet. It was still bleeding, day after day, until he felt like he had no more blood to keep it beating. From that day, all he could do was trying his best to continue living, with the hurt would never gone. Nino’s gentle smile, his bright eyes, his warm embrace still remained in his heart, that he could hear it scream silently with missing, hurting, wanting. He knew things would never come back to normal, not when Nino wasn’t around.
He left his bed and came out the dim bedroom. Before he could go to the bathroom to wash his face and started a new boring day, his eyes caught the light in the living room. Had he forgotten to cover the window before going to sleep? There was no way, because he had never fold it up either. He didn’t care if there was sunlight in his house or not, he just wanted to be alone, in his lonely world, to absorb himself into tons of misery that he didn’t now how he could get away from it. The only sun of his life had gone, and he didn’t know what the meaning to continue living was.
When he reached the living room, he was so surprised to see the curtain was now opened, and the newspapers were piled up carefully on the table. He didn’t remember collecting them; he even saw dust on their covers. Or he just did it like a routine? He didn’t remember what did he do last night, or the night before, or the night before the night before. He was at his unawareness for most of the day. When his friends were around and dragged him into many of activities, giving him something to do, to not leave him alone to think about the void inside his heart, he could aware a little what he was doing at this time. His friends were always worried about him that they would definitely came to his house everyday to check over if he was okay, and they always found the reason to pull him out of his lonely home. He had nothing to do so all he had done was following them, did whatever they told him to and then came back home again. When he was alone, like night time, the unbearable loneliness again rushed into his soul that he didn’t know how to overcome it. The only thing he could do was hugging Nino’s pillow tightly, tried to smell the familiar scent that he knew painfully had faded away until he gradually drifted off. And in his dream, sometimes Nino would show up, with the same smile on his face, pat his head slightly as he always did, told him to be a stupid man. And he would be so happy that he wouldn’t complain. He would be able to hold Nino tightly, not letting him go, felt the warmth soaked into his body, until it was day time again and Nino would vanish, left him alone with his empty arms, struggling in despair to hold him back. Tears would blurt out when he realized how helpless he was, feeling the emptiness building up inside his body and became a shadow in his soul, still remained there when he remembered that there was no way he could hold Nino back.
Time flew and brought with it his most precious thing.
He left the living room, the suffering was pressed upon his chest, and he tiredly washed his face. Not wanting to have breakfast, he came to his room and changed his clothes. There was a place he needed to come today no matter what, and it was the only place in the world he wanted to go right now. He had forgotten how it felt like to want something in his life, since he had never gotten what he wanted. He didn’t want to hope either, since all he would get later was the unbearable despair.
Sho had told him last night when he left that today they could go there together, of course with Jun and Aiba. But he had refused. He wanted to be there alone. He didn’t want any company right now, since he wanted to be alone with him. He was grateful with Sho’s concern, but it was what he had decided.
He came to the door, his eyes widened when he saw the front door was opened slightly. Just how much he had been spaced out these days? Nino would definitely complain about it if he were here… Nino complained about many things though. Ohno’s face softened a little when remembering the memory in which Nino had been scolding him to let door open when he had gone out for fishing.
“Just how stupid you are” Nino grunted “What if someone rushed into our house and take me away?”
“Why did they want to take you?” Ohno arched his eyebrows.
“Because I’m gorgeous” Nino shrugged “And I was sleeping when you left without locking the door”
“They wouldn’t be able to do that” Ohno smiled sheepishly.
“Why?” Nino glanced at him.
“Because I definitely take you back” Ohno leaned in and kissed Nino’s forehead “No one could take my Kazu away”
And Nino’s shy smile was priceless that Ohno stole another kiss on Nino’s lips, ignoring the pretended protest of an embarrassed Nino.
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He followed him quietly. The tiredness was evident on Ohno’s face that made him worried. He would never have left if he could. He would never leave Ohno behind, he would definitely be beside him forever, until the day death come and bring them out of this dear life, and even then they would still be together. But he couldn’t fight against fate. It just happened, and they weren’t being able to resist it. It was hurt, but it was life.
Ohno walked slowly on the pavement, his eyes fixed on the ground that he didn’t see anything around him. Even when Nino was walking beside him, Ohno still didn’t know. His eyes were unfocused, that Nino knew he had lost in his thought again. Nino was used to this, so he just stepped silently beside him, felt how peaceful it was to finally beside Ohno again like this. He hung out his hand, tried to catch Ohno’s, but since the older man was tugging his hand into his pocket, Nino gave up. They walked side by side, no one said anything, until they reached the destination.
Ohno stopped and raised his head, finally came back to reality. He let out a sigh. Nino stared at him, and turned his head to see where they were. The reality hit him so hard that he felt his heart tightened in a most unpleasant way. And he painfully remembered that they weren’t in the same world anymore.
Ohno walked between graves and then stopped in front of a gray rectangle one. Nino stared at his own name on the cold hard monument, and his tear now was building inside his eyes. He barely felt it though.
“It’s a year already, Nino”
He heard Ohno whispered. Ohno was now standing right in front of his grave and talking to him quietly.
“I don’t know what to do anymore” Ohno bit his lip hardly, tried to hold back his tear, but he couldn’t “I don’t want to cry, you know”
I know. Nino thought painfully. His hand reached out to hold Ohno, he tried to squeeze it as tight as he could. He saw Ohno staring at their contacted hand, as if he felt something strange tingling on his skin.
“Nino?” Ohno asked slowly, his eyes widened as he was feeling something holding his trembling hand. He desperately hold back, but nothing remained in his grasp.
I’m here. So please don’t cry, Ohchan.
“I miss you” Ohno murmured, his hand still closed tightly “I miss you so much, Nino”
I miss you too. Nino whispered.
“Tell me how to live without you” Ohno cried “I couldn’t. I can’t”
Nino felt himself cried silently.
It was a year already, but they hadn’t overcome it yet. Ohno still couldn’t accept the truth. Nino still hadn’t believed that he had no longer lived.
They stayed like that until it was sunset. Ohno had stopped crying, he had started to tell Nino many things which had happened the whole year. His eyes were far away that he was telling those stories. Nino was sitting beside him, listened carefully with a slight smile, his eyes never left the man who he loved so much.
“You know, Nino, Sho-kun was too busy with his new project. Ah, he had a girlfriend too, I remember he told me that. A girl at his office”
Nino chuckled. Aiba must be so jealous with this girl.
“Jun-kun comes to our house so usually” Ohno smiled slightly “He’s worried, I could tell… He comes so early in the morning and just leaves when it’s late already”
How about his work? Nino wondered. As if Ohno could hear his question, he smiled.
“He takes a month off from work, since he’s going to get married next year ne… He’s preparing for it. At least that what he told me”
Wow. So Jun was going to get married. It was interesting.
“Aiba finally agreed to go abroad for his job as a trainer for the zoo” Ohno continued “It’s strange, isn’t it? He loves Japan so much that he didn’t want to go. But Sho advised him to. There’s no better chance for him”
Yeah, it was strange if Aiba was going to go abroad. His English was awful, Nino chuckled.
“And me…” Ohno lowered his voice and extent his hand to touch the cold surface of the stone “I don’t know, Nino, but I don’t know what to do right now. They asked me to hold an exhibition - my manager. But I… still can’t decide. I just don’t have any motivation…”
Just do it. Nino frowned. Are you stupid? Don’t you intend to spend all your days only to be suffered because of me?
“I know what you would say right now” Ohno smiled sadly “You definitely tell me that I’m so stupid”
Yeah. You know me. So just do it! Nino stretched his hand to wrap around Ohno’s shoulder. He could tell Ohno was shivering under his touch.
“It’s just… it’s hard, Nino” Ohno bit his lips, his body was shaking “I feel like nothing when you’re not around”
No. Nino leaned in and kissed Ohno’s forehead slightly. No, I’m here. So you must move on.
“I wish I could meet you” Ohno sobbed “I wish I could see you”
Seeing Ohno like this made his heart clenched. He hugged Ohno tightly, and he wasn’t sure Ohno could feel it or not. But he still wanted to hold him in his arms, to convey his love to the older man. They stayed like that for a while. Ohno’s tear had stopped, but his face was still wet and his eyes were red. Nino kissed those eyes slightly, and his kissed made Ohno shivered again. He stared at Ohno’s face sadly; he knew his time now had been over. He would leave soon, but he didn’t want to leave Ohno again. How much he could pay to be with this man a little longer in his life, he didn’t know. His heart ached with thousands of need, of hurt, even though it had no longer beaten inside his chest. He closed his eyes, feeling the comfortable warmth fading away, he felt his own body was scattered, and he was slowly far away from Ohno, from his love. He tried to squeeze his arm the last time, gave Ohno the last kiss on his lips, then he felt his soul floating in the air, the colorful world started to disappeared from his sight as he simply vanished.
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Ohno sat there until the last sunlight had left.
He thought he had felt something tingle on his skin, not once but many times. He felt a little relief inside his chest, and whenever he felt the strange vague touches, he closed his eyes slightly, to let the bright tiny happiness absorbed into his body. Somehow, he believed that was Nino, he had come back to see him, to hug him, to be beside him again.
Today was exactly a year after his death.
Ohno stood up. He murmured, more to himself.
“I still love you”
And after giving the grave the last look, he turned away. This time, he felt the loneliness flew back into his heart. He realized that he hadn’t felt lonely for the whole day, since he had woken up, walked here and then spent all day beside Nino’s grave. He knew that Nino was there. He couldn’t see him, but Nino was there. The thought made his heart feel better that he opened the house slowly and stepped inside. The curtain was still opened, and the collected magazines were still lying silently on the table. The air in the room had changed a little, he felt it lighter and fresher. He suddenly realized how many days he had spent with his own misery.
“Take care of yourself” Nino glanced at him “What if someday I’m not here to take care of you?”
“Why?” Ohno pouted “Didn’t you say you’d be with me for all your life?”
“I’ll” Nino leaned in and kissed his nose “But promise me, even though I’m not here, you must still take care of yourself, okay?”
“I promise” Ohno hugged Nino tightly “But don’t leave me. I don’t wanna live without you”
“Don’t say such thing” Nino smiled and scratched his hair “You must continue to live, no matter what”
It was the first time for such a long time he remembered his promise. He knew Nino wouldn’t be happy if he continued to live like this.
His heart tightened again when he remembered Nino’s kisses. It was the brightest day of their life that he would never forget for the rest of his life. They were his priceless memories that he could give up anything to return to those days again, in which they were living together.
He came to the kitchen, though he wasn’t sure if there was anything he could use from that. He didn’t know how long it was since the last time he had checked up the food. When he walked pass the table, there was something in the corner of it made him curious. It was unclear, but it still stood out on the dusty surface. He narrowed his eyes, and when he realized what it was, his heart stopped beating.
It was a heart symbol, and below it was Nino’s handwriting.
Love you.
His tear immediately built up in his eyes and just a second later, he bursted out crying that his body was shaking violently. All the memories they had shared, all the love they had given, all the words they had talked, all the days they had spent, all of the happiness suddenly came back to his mind, clearly as if it was just yesterday. It was like a video playing slowly in his head, each day, each day they had spent together, each smile they had shared… Ohno knew he could never forget Nino. No matter how long he would continue living, he would remember Nino everyday, he would call his name everyday, and he would never let his face fade in his mind. Nino would live inside him forever, such that no one could replace Nino in his heart.
That night, he finally could sleep peacefully. His head put on his arms; he was sitting on the chair in the kitchen. His face was still wet from the tears; he had stared at Nino’s writing until he drifted off. His hand put on the corner of the table, which he knew Nino had definitely leaned to write those words, he could feel Nino’s touch in his hand, in his arms, in his face that Nino had been here, until he fall asleep.
In his dream last night, Nino came back again, with his slight smile and bright eyes, hugging Ohno gently as he murmured.
“I love you, Ohchan”
Pairing: Ohmiya
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.
Summary: After a year, Nino comes home. Nothing has changed from the day he left...
A/N: This is unbeta-ed, since my beta reader is so busy with her study (ganbatte ne!) so I might make mistakes m(-.-)m. And... it's angst. I don't know what came into me when I wrote this, and when I finished the last sentence - withou realising it, I cried. I don't know if I could convey the feeling to you, but I tried my best. Hope you will enjoy it ^^. Comments are really loved <33333
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He finally came home.
It was a bright day with a cloudless sky and the warm sunlight was dancing happily on the ground lead to their house. The wind blew slightly through the trees in the garden, made them shivering with a welcoming sound that he used to listen to everyday from the window on a peaceful morning, which was now so far away. The butterflies were hovering above the sunny flowers, the colors they brought made the garden more alive than before he had left. All this familiar feeling made his heart fluttered. He missed this so much.
The house was still the same with the day he had left, with its fading blue-paint, the wood door and the white windows opening slightly with the curtain covered the glasses. The front door was now closed, standing silently, watching him curiously, as if they had finally forgotten his existence, since he had left for too long. It was a year already since the last time he had walked past the threshold, had been welcomed home by the person he loved the most in this world, had spent his days happily and peacefully, without worry and scare for the future. The days that they were being together, sharing their lives, laughing, crying, singing, caring, understanding… The days he had realized how beautiful life was, and how simple happiness was. All of those were his precious days, the memories were still marked in his mind with the same emotion, the same feeling with the past. With him beside Nino felt like he didn’t need anyone else, he didn’t want anything else and he was the happiest person in the world. The days that he could never forget, no matter how long he had left, no matter how long they were separated, the sparkling past could never be faded away. It was shining everyday in his mind, it was singing sweetly in his soul. It was the first thing he thought about at morning, and it also was the last thing he remembers at night. It was the irreplaceable memories that he knew he would never have a chance to experience again.
With a slight smile, he opened the door quietly. No sound came out. He stepped into the familiar house; sudden warmth surrounded his body with the beloved scent he had loved so much. It was the same warmth with those days. He felt happiness was growing in his chest, the nice scent absorbed into his mind, he closed his eyes to enjoy the welcoming feeling he could always felt whenever he was at his home.
Their home.
“I’m home” He murmured, more than with himself that he was sure no one could here it. The sound didn’t come out his mouth, his salutation just hang over in the air, slightly, slowly disappeared with a wistful feeling. He could hear it echoing in his mind, but no one could hear it. It was inaudible with the whole world.
He walked pass the living room, so quiet that he couldn’t hear his own footstep. The table was covered by newspapers and magazines that he saw many pages had been torn from them and scattered around. He came to one of it and took a piece. It was the newspapers from a year ago. He was so surprise that it was still there. There was a layer of dust all over the covers, that he thought might be no one had touched it for a long time. The teapot was left alone on the floor, beside the cushions. There were cups lying about the corner of the room, they were all empty and dry, as if they were ignored there for centuries. He shook his head slowly, so this was how he would turn out without him beside. He had told him many times before; he would surely be worried for him if he didn’t promise…
He collected the papers, piled them up and put it carefully on a side of the table. He came closer to the window, with the curtain was swaying slightly above the cactus pot, the sunlight was shining through the slender fabric, tried to brighten the cheerless room with all its color. Nino stretched his hand, opening the curtain widely that the sunlight now was flowing to each corner of the room, made it once again come back to live. The butterflies were wandering around outside the window, as they flied lazily above the cactus flowers. The room was a little more colorful, compared with the darkness and loneliness which had been all over the tiny place.
You had promised. Nino thought.
He came to the kitchen; the cold was still remained there, as if no one had used it for a very long time. He now couldn’t smell the familiar scent of their kitchen, which had been always smelled spicy, like cinnamon. Ohno had said countless time before that he wanted to own a bakery, so they had always baked cakes and cookies. He could see the picture in which they were laughing happily with each other, their hand were posing a victory sign, their faces was white from flour. He smiled gently, the memory picture was still there, hanging on the wall, and never be took away. Whenever they looked at it, they would feel the same feeling with that day, when they had always been together, when they had always fooled around in this small kitchen, he had always hold Ohno back whenever the older man tried to escape after teasing him. They had always bursted into laugh after each man was covered by flour and sugar, and Nino had always placed a slight kiss on Ohno’s cheeks, tasted the sweet remaining on them and Ohno had always smiled happily, buried his face to Nino’s neck that his hair had always been tickling the younger man’s sensitive skin. They had always felt so happy that they had never thought one day everything would go - suddenly and unexpectedly, in a most hurtful way.
They had never thought they could be tore apart.
Nino came to their table, it was placed lonely in the middle of the room, waited quietly that someone would come and bring it back to use.
The table was covered with dust too. Nino winced. He had told him countless time before that he hated it when it was dusty. Ohno had just pouted adorably with him and he had promised that he would never let it be like that anymore, as long as Nino would stop complaining about so many things. And Ohno had kept his promise from then too, since he had cleaned it carefully whenever he saw dust on it. But now, after a year, when Nino came back, Ohno didn’t keep that habit anymore.
Nino hesitated, and then used his finger to wipe away the dust, made a regular symbol on the table.
Love you.
He smiled, and turned away. The sentence he always wanted to write, the words he always wanted to say, and if he could, he wanted to say it forever. The words just kept dancing in his heart, buzzing in his mind that made him go insane with the desire to say it out loud, to convey it, to express it, for each day of his life.
He came to their bedroom. The door closed slightly, as if the man didn’t want to close it completely, there was still a small gap that Nino could see through it. The room was dim, even though it was day time; there was no sunlight in the bedroom. Nino opened the door slowly, tried his best to not disturb the sleeping man on the bed. He was covered by a huge blanket, his face buried into his pillow, his arms were holding another pillow tightly. Nino’s heart ached seeing the lonely expression on his lover’s face.
He came closer to the man, who was still not aware of his presence, kneeled down beside him. He watched him sleeping silently. It was a year he hadn’t seen him, and he could never express how much he missed him, how much he missed the feeling touching the man in front of him. He was so scared that he would gradually forget the familiar face that he always loved so much. He was so scared that one day he would forget how to love him, and how he used to love him so much. He was so scared that the distance of time and space would simply tore them apart without excuses, and they wouldn’t be able to resist it. But when he was sitting here, contemplating the person he loved for his whole life, all those worries just became so stupid that he almost laughed at himself. There was no way he would stop loving this man, there was no way he would stop remembering this eyes, this smile, everything about him that had become part of his soul. There was no way he could forget everything they had spent together, everything they had built together. There was no way he could forget the happiness, the rapture he had experienced with him beside, the fond memories were now flowing in his mind like a gentle wind easing all the pain that always suffering him. He leaned closed, feeling his breath melting his face, and slightly put a kiss on those lips that he missed so much. The warmth from it made his heart fluttered, as he was longing for this for too long.
He wished he could stop time, for this moment to be eternal.
The man stirred under his touch and then opened his eyes slowly. He was startled, but he sat still beside the bed. Only when he looked at his deep brown eyes and realized how much he loved them, Nino’s lip curved with a slight smile. Whenever he stared into those eyes, he could see all his dreams in it. It contained his life.
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Ohno had woken up. He sat on the bed, his hand rubbing his temple tiredly. Last night he couldn’t sleep, since all the bad memories just came back, like a flood that he couldn’t help but crying his heart out, until he felt like he had no more tear remain in his eyes. It was a year already, but he just couldn’t come back to his normal life, before all that happened. His eyes wandered around the room, it was so messy that he was tired of cleaning it. He had ignored it for days, not only the bedroom but also the whole house. He couldn’t see the meaning of cleaning it, since Nino had gone, and he would never come back. He had left him, all of sudden, and until now the wound he had left in his heart hadn’t healed yet. It was still bleeding, day after day, until he felt like he had no more blood to keep it beating. From that day, all he could do was trying his best to continue living, with the hurt would never gone. Nino’s gentle smile, his bright eyes, his warm embrace still remained in his heart, that he could hear it scream silently with missing, hurting, wanting. He knew things would never come back to normal, not when Nino wasn’t around.
He left his bed and came out the dim bedroom. Before he could go to the bathroom to wash his face and started a new boring day, his eyes caught the light in the living room. Had he forgotten to cover the window before going to sleep? There was no way, because he had never fold it up either. He didn’t care if there was sunlight in his house or not, he just wanted to be alone, in his lonely world, to absorb himself into tons of misery that he didn’t now how he could get away from it. The only sun of his life had gone, and he didn’t know what the meaning to continue living was.
When he reached the living room, he was so surprised to see the curtain was now opened, and the newspapers were piled up carefully on the table. He didn’t remember collecting them; he even saw dust on their covers. Or he just did it like a routine? He didn’t remember what did he do last night, or the night before, or the night before the night before. He was at his unawareness for most of the day. When his friends were around and dragged him into many of activities, giving him something to do, to not leave him alone to think about the void inside his heart, he could aware a little what he was doing at this time. His friends were always worried about him that they would definitely came to his house everyday to check over if he was okay, and they always found the reason to pull him out of his lonely home. He had nothing to do so all he had done was following them, did whatever they told him to and then came back home again. When he was alone, like night time, the unbearable loneliness again rushed into his soul that he didn’t know how to overcome it. The only thing he could do was hugging Nino’s pillow tightly, tried to smell the familiar scent that he knew painfully had faded away until he gradually drifted off. And in his dream, sometimes Nino would show up, with the same smile on his face, pat his head slightly as he always did, told him to be a stupid man. And he would be so happy that he wouldn’t complain. He would be able to hold Nino tightly, not letting him go, felt the warmth soaked into his body, until it was day time again and Nino would vanish, left him alone with his empty arms, struggling in despair to hold him back. Tears would blurt out when he realized how helpless he was, feeling the emptiness building up inside his body and became a shadow in his soul, still remained there when he remembered that there was no way he could hold Nino back.
Time flew and brought with it his most precious thing.
He left the living room, the suffering was pressed upon his chest, and he tiredly washed his face. Not wanting to have breakfast, he came to his room and changed his clothes. There was a place he needed to come today no matter what, and it was the only place in the world he wanted to go right now. He had forgotten how it felt like to want something in his life, since he had never gotten what he wanted. He didn’t want to hope either, since all he would get later was the unbearable despair.
Sho had told him last night when he left that today they could go there together, of course with Jun and Aiba. But he had refused. He wanted to be there alone. He didn’t want any company right now, since he wanted to be alone with him. He was grateful with Sho’s concern, but it was what he had decided.
He came to the door, his eyes widened when he saw the front door was opened slightly. Just how much he had been spaced out these days? Nino would definitely complain about it if he were here… Nino complained about many things though. Ohno’s face softened a little when remembering the memory in which Nino had been scolding him to let door open when he had gone out for fishing.
“Just how stupid you are” Nino grunted “What if someone rushed into our house and take me away?”
“Why did they want to take you?” Ohno arched his eyebrows.
“Because I’m gorgeous” Nino shrugged “And I was sleeping when you left without locking the door”
“They wouldn’t be able to do that” Ohno smiled sheepishly.
“Why?” Nino glanced at him.
“Because I definitely take you back” Ohno leaned in and kissed Nino’s forehead “No one could take my Kazu away”
And Nino’s shy smile was priceless that Ohno stole another kiss on Nino’s lips, ignoring the pretended protest of an embarrassed Nino.
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He followed him quietly. The tiredness was evident on Ohno’s face that made him worried. He would never have left if he could. He would never leave Ohno behind, he would definitely be beside him forever, until the day death come and bring them out of this dear life, and even then they would still be together. But he couldn’t fight against fate. It just happened, and they weren’t being able to resist it. It was hurt, but it was life.
Ohno walked slowly on the pavement, his eyes fixed on the ground that he didn’t see anything around him. Even when Nino was walking beside him, Ohno still didn’t know. His eyes were unfocused, that Nino knew he had lost in his thought again. Nino was used to this, so he just stepped silently beside him, felt how peaceful it was to finally beside Ohno again like this. He hung out his hand, tried to catch Ohno’s, but since the older man was tugging his hand into his pocket, Nino gave up. They walked side by side, no one said anything, until they reached the destination.
Ohno stopped and raised his head, finally came back to reality. He let out a sigh. Nino stared at him, and turned his head to see where they were. The reality hit him so hard that he felt his heart tightened in a most unpleasant way. And he painfully remembered that they weren’t in the same world anymore.
Ohno walked between graves and then stopped in front of a gray rectangle one. Nino stared at his own name on the cold hard monument, and his tear now was building inside his eyes. He barely felt it though.
“It’s a year already, Nino”
He heard Ohno whispered. Ohno was now standing right in front of his grave and talking to him quietly.
“I don’t know what to do anymore” Ohno bit his lip hardly, tried to hold back his tear, but he couldn’t “I don’t want to cry, you know”
I know. Nino thought painfully. His hand reached out to hold Ohno, he tried to squeeze it as tight as he could. He saw Ohno staring at their contacted hand, as if he felt something strange tingling on his skin.
“Nino?” Ohno asked slowly, his eyes widened as he was feeling something holding his trembling hand. He desperately hold back, but nothing remained in his grasp.
I’m here. So please don’t cry, Ohchan.
“I miss you” Ohno murmured, his hand still closed tightly “I miss you so much, Nino”
I miss you too. Nino whispered.
“Tell me how to live without you” Ohno cried “I couldn’t. I can’t”
Nino felt himself cried silently.
It was a year already, but they hadn’t overcome it yet. Ohno still couldn’t accept the truth. Nino still hadn’t believed that he had no longer lived.
They stayed like that until it was sunset. Ohno had stopped crying, he had started to tell Nino many things which had happened the whole year. His eyes were far away that he was telling those stories. Nino was sitting beside him, listened carefully with a slight smile, his eyes never left the man who he loved so much.
“You know, Nino, Sho-kun was too busy with his new project. Ah, he had a girlfriend too, I remember he told me that. A girl at his office”
Nino chuckled. Aiba must be so jealous with this girl.
“Jun-kun comes to our house so usually” Ohno smiled slightly “He’s worried, I could tell… He comes so early in the morning and just leaves when it’s late already”
How about his work? Nino wondered. As if Ohno could hear his question, he smiled.
“He takes a month off from work, since he’s going to get married next year ne… He’s preparing for it. At least that what he told me”
Wow. So Jun was going to get married. It was interesting.
“Aiba finally agreed to go abroad for his job as a trainer for the zoo” Ohno continued “It’s strange, isn’t it? He loves Japan so much that he didn’t want to go. But Sho advised him to. There’s no better chance for him”
Yeah, it was strange if Aiba was going to go abroad. His English was awful, Nino chuckled.
“And me…” Ohno lowered his voice and extent his hand to touch the cold surface of the stone “I don’t know, Nino, but I don’t know what to do right now. They asked me to hold an exhibition - my manager. But I… still can’t decide. I just don’t have any motivation…”
Just do it. Nino frowned. Are you stupid? Don’t you intend to spend all your days only to be suffered because of me?
“I know what you would say right now” Ohno smiled sadly “You definitely tell me that I’m so stupid”
Yeah. You know me. So just do it! Nino stretched his hand to wrap around Ohno’s shoulder. He could tell Ohno was shivering under his touch.
“It’s just… it’s hard, Nino” Ohno bit his lips, his body was shaking “I feel like nothing when you’re not around”
No. Nino leaned in and kissed Ohno’s forehead slightly. No, I’m here. So you must move on.
“I wish I could meet you” Ohno sobbed “I wish I could see you”
Seeing Ohno like this made his heart clenched. He hugged Ohno tightly, and he wasn’t sure Ohno could feel it or not. But he still wanted to hold him in his arms, to convey his love to the older man. They stayed like that for a while. Ohno’s tear had stopped, but his face was still wet and his eyes were red. Nino kissed those eyes slightly, and his kissed made Ohno shivered again. He stared at Ohno’s face sadly; he knew his time now had been over. He would leave soon, but he didn’t want to leave Ohno again. How much he could pay to be with this man a little longer in his life, he didn’t know. His heart ached with thousands of need, of hurt, even though it had no longer beaten inside his chest. He closed his eyes, feeling the comfortable warmth fading away, he felt his own body was scattered, and he was slowly far away from Ohno, from his love. He tried to squeeze his arm the last time, gave Ohno the last kiss on his lips, then he felt his soul floating in the air, the colorful world started to disappeared from his sight as he simply vanished.
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Ohno sat there until the last sunlight had left.
He thought he had felt something tingle on his skin, not once but many times. He felt a little relief inside his chest, and whenever he felt the strange vague touches, he closed his eyes slightly, to let the bright tiny happiness absorbed into his body. Somehow, he believed that was Nino, he had come back to see him, to hug him, to be beside him again.
Today was exactly a year after his death.
Ohno stood up. He murmured, more to himself.
“I still love you”
And after giving the grave the last look, he turned away. This time, he felt the loneliness flew back into his heart. He realized that he hadn’t felt lonely for the whole day, since he had woken up, walked here and then spent all day beside Nino’s grave. He knew that Nino was there. He couldn’t see him, but Nino was there. The thought made his heart feel better that he opened the house slowly and stepped inside. The curtain was still opened, and the collected magazines were still lying silently on the table. The air in the room had changed a little, he felt it lighter and fresher. He suddenly realized how many days he had spent with his own misery.
“Take care of yourself” Nino glanced at him “What if someday I’m not here to take care of you?”
“Why?” Ohno pouted “Didn’t you say you’d be with me for all your life?”
“I’ll” Nino leaned in and kissed his nose “But promise me, even though I’m not here, you must still take care of yourself, okay?”
“I promise” Ohno hugged Nino tightly “But don’t leave me. I don’t wanna live without you”
“Don’t say such thing” Nino smiled and scratched his hair “You must continue to live, no matter what”
It was the first time for such a long time he remembered his promise. He knew Nino wouldn’t be happy if he continued to live like this.
His heart tightened again when he remembered Nino’s kisses. It was the brightest day of their life that he would never forget for the rest of his life. They were his priceless memories that he could give up anything to return to those days again, in which they were living together.
He came to the kitchen, though he wasn’t sure if there was anything he could use from that. He didn’t know how long it was since the last time he had checked up the food. When he walked pass the table, there was something in the corner of it made him curious. It was unclear, but it still stood out on the dusty surface. He narrowed his eyes, and when he realized what it was, his heart stopped beating.
It was a heart symbol, and below it was Nino’s handwriting.
Love you.
His tear immediately built up in his eyes and just a second later, he bursted out crying that his body was shaking violently. All the memories they had shared, all the love they had given, all the words they had talked, all the days they had spent, all of the happiness suddenly came back to his mind, clearly as if it was just yesterday. It was like a video playing slowly in his head, each day, each day they had spent together, each smile they had shared… Ohno knew he could never forget Nino. No matter how long he would continue living, he would remember Nino everyday, he would call his name everyday, and he would never let his face fade in his mind. Nino would live inside him forever, such that no one could replace Nino in his heart.
That night, he finally could sleep peacefully. His head put on his arms; he was sitting on the chair in the kitchen. His face was still wet from the tears; he had stared at Nino’s writing until he drifted off. His hand put on the corner of the table, which he knew Nino had definitely leaned to write those words, he could feel Nino’s touch in his hand, in his arms, in his face that Nino had been here, until he fall asleep.
In his dream last night, Nino came back again, with his slight smile and bright eyes, hugging Ohno gently as he murmured.
“I love you, Ohchan”