there is only you; jaemin
Title: there is only you
Pairings: Jaemin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of sex and drugs. Some teenage-boy lovin' but that's all it is. Loving.
Genre: Angst
A/N: I gots prompted by tvxqluvv and thus it is dedicated to that mofo.
Summary: Jaejoong lives in his own world, and there's no one there.
He liked to go clubbing. The heavy bass beating and making him have a heartbeat once more. He liked rubbing against someone, trying to feel for once. He liked going to a hotel room with that person not in the hopes of falling in love, but of simply making a connection, no matter how fucked up it would be.
This was why it was strange that he would find a friend, let alone a person to love, in the scrawny high school kid that was his estranged third cousin thrice removed or something to that extent.
Jaejoong had gone to the family reunion with the intention to be bored out his mind. He had received a phone call the previous day from his mother, firmly calling him to the party, telling him that he needed to come reacquaint himself with his family.
He then proceeded to go out, get drunk, and go home with someone. When he woke up, he was alone and had one hell of a headache.
And yet, there he was, in his great-aunt’s house, surrounded by people he didn’t know and the smell of hairspray and cat piss. Never had there been a moment where he loved his mother more.
The house was ancient, and his aunt had taken in innumerable amounts of cats. Needless to say, it seemed that everything but the wooden chairs was completely covered in hair. It was bizarre to see his mother and grandmother chatting listlessly, all the while gaining more and more hair on their dresses. They probably didn’t notice because they had likely gone blind and senile in their old age.
When he had entered, all Jaejoong’s mother had supplied him with was a smile and a wave, so he had been left to fend off questioning family members all by his lonesome. He was instantly bombarded with questions about where he had been and why he was never at family events. After being asked the same question six hundred times or so, the crowd surrounding him died down.
Picking his way through the crowded house, he managed to snag a chair that wasn’t cushioned with cat fur. He was uncomfortably crammed between a couch and another person sitting on a chair. Turning to look at the people on the couch, he saw his uncle talking to his father. Both men noticed Jaejoong and briefly nodded.
What a loving family I have. First they harass me and then they utterly ignore me. Jaejoong could not help but to bitterly think.
Trying to find even the smallest bit of solace, Jaejoong scanned the thickly populated living room. By now, everyone had gotten up and retrieved food. In the midst of the interrogation, he had not noticed that food had been served.
In the sea of flowery paper plates and bright red plastic cups, Jaejoong stuck out prominently as the only person without an order of the heart attack special. However, as his gaze flicked to the right, Jae realized that this wasn’t true.
Beside him, looking equally uncomfortable with the entire situation was a man wearing horn-rimmed glasses with his nose in a book. He was dressed blandly, his clothes draped around his thin body. To anyone else, he would not have been very attractive. He was probably the type of person that kept to himself, and solely enjoyed the company of his books and that was all he needed.
Honestly, the thought of an individual that fit this description wasn’t that strange, but if you were actually there, surrounded by the loud, luridly dressed members of the Kim family you would stare. No one else was, probably because he was there often and they accepted his social deficiencies, but Jaejoong could not tear his eyes away from this bizarrely beautiful man.
“It would be really nice if you’d stop looking at me.”
The only sign that the comment was from the man was the faintest of smiles on his face and a finger coming from behind the book to push up the glasses that were precariously dangling from his nose.
“What’s your name?” Jaejoong was blunt, and didn’t care for formalities. Not only that, but the man was the most fascinating person he had ever met yet they had never spoken before this moment.
This time, the man lifted his head and looked at Jaejoong. It was then that he realized that, no, this was not a man, this was a boy. But then the boy flashed a smile and his eyes became mismatched and Jaejoong forgot his age and didn’t care.
“Changmin. And what would yours be?”
“Jaejoong. It’s really nice to meet you.”
Changmin smiled, “I’ve never seen you at these parties before. Are your parents nice enough to not force you to go to these things?”
Jaejoong laughed softly, “Do I look that young? I’m twenty-four, so I haven’t lived with my parents in a long time. Though I guess those geezers still do have some power over me if I’m here.”
Changmin flushed, “Oh - ah! I’m sorry. You did look young, and I just thought you probably only talked to me because we’re about the only people close in age…I don’t know, I’m just stupid.”
Jae smiled complacently, “Actually, you looked older when I first saw you. But I’m horrible at guessing ages. You’re probably ten, right?”
“Ha, no. I’m sixteen. I’m almost out of high school.”
Jaejoong chuckled, “Oh, so you’re a big boy, are you?”
“Mmhm, the biggest.”
Changmin looked around the room before turning back to Jaejoong.
“It’s really stuffy in here; would you like to go outside with me?”
Jaejoong nodded and got up, following Min outside to the front of the house. They stopped when they reached a sporty looking car. Changmin leaned against the car before taking off his glasses and looking around.
“Much better…” he murmured contentedly.
Jaejoong looked on the act confusedly. Noticing it, Changmin began to explain.
“I wear thick glasses so that people won’t bother me. Most people don’t like to bother with loners, let alone nerdy-looking ones. Obviously it didn’t work on you.”
Jaejoong smirked, “So you’re antisocial?”
Nodding, Changmin rummaged in his pocket before pulling out a pack of cigarettes.
“Want one?” Changmin looked pointedly at the man next to him, holding out the thin cancer stick.
“Definitely the biggest, baddest boy around.” Jae reached out but right as he was about to grasp his high, it was pulled away out of his reach. Jaejoong’s eyes crawled up Changmin’s torso and his arm until his eyes reached what he was looking for.
“Fuck, you’re tall.”
It was Changmin’s turn to laugh, “I did tell you I was the biggest. But that wasn’t what I was trying to say. I was sort of hoping you could take me out…”
Jae’s eyes widened and he knew right then that even if it wasn’t that way, things were going to be very different with this boy, “Like on a date?”
The chiming laugh came again, “Don’t look so scared! I just wanted to go out for a drink, but since I am in fact sixteen I can’t exactly acquire it.”
Jae raised a fine eyebrow, “Oh really? And a rich little kid like you can’t afford a fake ID?”
“I could get it for free if I wanted, but I don’t like messing with that shit. I could get arrested.”
The older of the two rolled his eyes, “And you can’t get arrested for underage drinking?”
Min’s bright eyes lit up, “Not in as much trouble, I can just talk about peer pressure and they’ll let me off. A fake ID calls for some planning ahead.”
Jae frowned, “Well, shit…I guess we’re going out for a drink, eh buddy?”
That was the honest truth of their friendship. It was a mixture of Jaejoong’s willingness to buy alcohol for the minor, and the mutual need to have a friend that didn’t quite fit in just like you and also Changmin’s levelheadedness that kept the older man in check. It was every aspect of each other’s personalities meshing together to make each other better, or at the very least, to support each other and be supported.
After the first night out of drinking, the two never went a day without seeing the other. It was strange how compatible the two were, having gone all this time not knowing each other, yet both of them lived in the same city and took the same bus routes. Probably as a means to redeem the lost time, Jaejoong swears that he remembers seeing Changmin on the train one night after he came back from a club.
Changmin jokes back that if they did in fact go on the same bus one night, he wouldn’t have noticed because he would have been sucking face with some anonymous man. Jaejoong would agree and then not-so-jokingly ask Changmin if he could possibly be that anonymous person for one night.
It takes a year for Jaejoong to fully understand why he always wished that Changmin would say yes to his joking requests for services or why he would always feel a pang of jealousy whenever he was near, whenever he simply heard about one of Changmin’s girlfriends or boyfriends.
He was horrified. The kid was a fucking baby, and here he was, a grown man, falling in love with him. Never mind that he was the most fascinating person Jaejoong had ever met, never mind that he was so intelligent and wise beyond his years, he was sixteen fucking candles old.
And yet there was never a time when he was with him when he felt disgusting for loving him. He knew that Changmin wasn’t pure, and it broke his heart at times. It wasn’t a matter of having him for himself, but the fact that he was so young, yet he was acting so similar to the way Jaejoong himself had acted at that age. He didn’t want Changmin to end up like him.
The deep caring they had for each other was proof of their love, which was as intimate as two people could get without being in love. They had seen each other at their worst. When Changmin got dumped for the first time and when Jaejoong almost got raped, they had been there, crying along with their other half.
For Changmin, it was like being married, only without the romantic sort of love.
For Jaejoong, it was the same, but it was one-sided in his affections.
By the time Changmin entered his final year of high school, the entire family knew of their relationship, and quite a few disapproved.
“That Jaejoong is a bad influence for Changmin! He’s been living off his parents all this time, don’t you know?”
“I heard from my friend that her daughter saw Changmin drinking! You know that’s obviously because he’s been spending time with Jaejoong.”
And then, there was always the other possibility.
“I think those boys are too close.”
“Whatever are you talking about?”
“They are much too close to just share a friendship; I think that something much more sinister is going on with those boys.”
“That’s nonsense! The only problem is that Jaejoong is a bad example. But he’s not so horrid as to go after such a young boy!”
“My dear, you forget that he isn’t that young. He’s almost out of high school and legal.”
“Bu-But Jaejoong knows better! Not only that, but they’re related for god’s sake!”
“Honestly, I never liked that man…he was too much trouble as a child and he would never conform to the ideal lifestyle that the rest of us so righteously live!”
Neither of them cared. Changmin would brush off any and all comments, saying that his and Jaejoong’s relationship was completely platonic and that not only was Jaejoong a good example, but he supported and helped him.
This was all very true. Changmin was drinking way before he met Jaejoong and Jaejoong knew that the boy was off-limits. No bad influences and no ‘inappropriate’ relations.
Jaejoong knew it was hopeless anyway. He was much older than the boy, by eight years! Changmin was youthful and gorgeous and Jaejoong knew he couldn’t put the heavy thought that his best friend was in love, and it couldn’t be mutual.
Jaejoong knew with all his heart that it would kill Changmin, knowing that Jaejoong couldn’t be happy. Because Changmin would know how much he loved him, he would realize that he was the only one Jae could be with. And Changmin wasn’t a liar; he wouldn’t put up an act, pretending that he reciprocated the feelings.
Jaejoong had taken to lying awake at night, wondering why he had to fall for the boy. During these times, the thing that seemed to keep him nailed to reality was the image of Changmin on the day they met, and the phrase “eight years.” The masochistic practice was ritualistic, and Jae came to believe it helped him sleep at night.
He didn’t stop doing it until the day Changmin came up to him, grabbed him by the shoulders and asked him, more serious than ever, if he was alright.
Jaejoong cried, and Changmin comforted. The boy never found out what was upsetting him, but the following week the color had returned to his face and it was like it never happened.
--
Two years. Eight years. Eighteen years. Twenty-six years.
Those were the most significant numbers right now. Two years of the best friendship ever. Eight years that were probably the only thing holding it back from growing to something more. Eighteen years old, Shim Changmin. Twenty-six years old, Kim Jaejoong.
Today was the day Changmin turned legal. As the cameras flashed, he smiled and blew out the candles.
It wasn’t the suffocating formal event that they had met in; it was one where they were surrounded by all their friends and everyone was laughing not for show, but because they were just happy.
A month had passed since the incident of Jaejoong breaking down, and Changmin never brought it up again. Several months had passed since Changmin graduated and moved in with Jaejoong.
At the time he moved in, he had known of Jaejoong’s dislike of any sort of romantic relationship. It was week later when he noticed that Jaejoong didn’t just dislike them, but downright avoided any situation that could lead to a relationship, other than having sex.
Once you slept with Jae, you would never do it again. If you met him at a club, god forbid that you were still there when he woke up. By the time Changmin had moved in, the man had already gained a reputation, but there were always the few individuals that didn’t know and they were the ones that tended to fuck up the most with Jaejoong.
Changmin would first be wakened by something breaking or clattering loudly, signaling that Jae had finally gotten up and seen the person. Next, there would be loud yells echoing throughout the house to show that Jae had really woken up and that he wasn’t happy with what was going on. Finally, a door would slam as yet another person failed to gain the affection of Jaejoong.
Sometimes they would leave their clothes in the house. You could see Jaejoong wearing them out to a club or at the mall the following week, after they had been through the wash two times or so to get out the smell of drugs and sex.
The first few times Changmin had just assumed Jae’s cold demeanor towards his one-night stands was because he wasn’t in a good mood, but it became obvious that most times Jaejoong was like this with anyone who approached him. It was a wonder that none of them seemed frightened away.
It was probably just an opportunity to brag to their friends. And yet, they all cried when Jae forced them out. It was probably the effect he had on people. He was beautiful, and he could make you fall for him in a second. There were numerous people who got caught up in his little world.
Yes, the man definitely resided in a different world than everyone. He spent his days looking and looking for another person in this lonely world, yet there was none. Only reflections and illusions and wishes. But no people.
This revelation was why behind the bright candles and his smile, Changmin wasn’t happy. Instead of feeling fluttery because his current girlfriend promised a good time tonight and warm because of the love exuding from his friends, he felt impossibly cold.
The party eventually ended, and everyone was rushed out. Girlfriends complained, and friends griped, but soon enough the house was truly empty save for its usual tenants.
“…Jae?” Changmin called out tentatively, but the man was no where to be seen.
Frowning slightly, Changmin began walking up the stairs. After checking in both their bedrooms and still seeing no sign of Jae, he decided to check the balcony.
It was warm outside, and the stars were out, unusually bright. Deciding that Jaejoong had probably made his way out with the rush of other guests, Min decided to stay outside and enjoy the beautiful sight.
“How are you feeling?” a soft voice called out behind the boy.
Spinning around so quick he almost got whiplash, he saw Jaejoong leisurely leaning against the balcony.
Breathing out a sigh of relief, Changmin smiled, “I was looking for you. To ask you the exact same question.”
Jae looked away, “I’m fine. I don’t know why you need to ask. I’m more concerned with you. I know you’re not happy. What’s wrong?”
Changmin smiled weakly, “Stupid. I’m not happy because you’re not happy. You know that I could’ve won the fucking lottery but I’d still be depressed if you didn’t smile.”
Jaejoong’s frown deepened, “I’m fine, honestly. You’re just being dumb. Smile, for fuck’s sake.”
“Not unless you do it first.”
Jae’s head snapped up, alarmed, “I can’t…”
Two strides and Changmin was right in front of him. He lifted a hand to touch his cheek and Jaejoong flinched violently.
“God dammit, Jae! I know something is wrong, so tell me what it is!”
“What are you doing to yourself?” he said dully, his head slumped and his body slack.
“W-What?”
Jaejoong looked up and his eyes were blazing.
“Why are you still here?! Why the hell do you still waste your time here with me? I know you’re a fucking smart kid, Min, now you need to go and do something about it! I’m sick of seeing you here, deteriorating because you won’t go and get a good job. Is it because of me, Changmin? I’m twenty-six fucking years old; I can handle it, so tell me!”
Changmin gripped the front of Jaejoong’s shirt and punched him. One sickening smacking sound, and then another. Jaejoong fell to the ground at the second punch, before being bombarded with three, four, five and six.
Chest heaving, Changmin stood a hulking figure over his best friend, “Shut up. I want to live here, bastard, so shut up.”
Looking up as he caressed his aching cheek, Jae saw that there were tears streaming down the boy’s face.
“I did this for me. I was the one being stupid and selfish. I couldn’t live alone if I wanted to! I…When you asked me to move in, it was like a miracle. My parents were forcing me out, and I was scared. Doesn’t matter that I’m a smart kid and that I’m supposed to be able to take care of myself, I needed this. I needed you.”
Jaejoong reached out and grabbed Changmin’s hand. Squeezing gently, he pulled Changmin down into his lap, and began smoothing his hair down. It was an extremely fatherly act, one that would normally be done to a very young child, and it was rather awkward because Changmin was much larger than Jaejoong.
“You probably never noticed, but you were always afraid to do things by yourself. You missed out on a lot of courses you wanted to take because none of your friends were interested in them, and you would always be with someone. It took you numerous times to get your license and I’m sure it wasn’t because you were a bad driver, but probably because the thought of having to drive by yourself scared you.”
The sureness that Jaejoong spoke with made it sound like they had known each other forever, instead of two short years.
“It feels like it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, just me and you,” Changmin whispered.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with that girlfriend of yours.” The bitterness in his voice was tangible, but Changmin either didn’t notice or wasn’t fazed.
“I think I’m going to break up with her. She’s boring.”
“Who’s next in line?” Jaejoong smirked.
“I don’t think I want to go out with anyone for now…”
Jaejoong looked surprised, “What? The gigolo Shim Changmin isn’t feeling up to finding yet another customer to please?”
This earned him a smack to the back of the head, “Shut the hell up. Just because I’m well-liked doesn’t mean I’m a fucking escort.”
Jaejoong was laid out on the floor now, staring up into the bright nighttime sky.
“…are you lonely?”
Jaejoong looked lazily at the boy, “I live with you.”
“You know that’s not what I mean. Are you lonely on the inside?”
Jaejoong turned over to face him, “Not always.”
Changmin laughed mirthlessly, “So you only feel lonely every other second?”
“Something like that.”
Changmin’s fist slammed down on the cold marble.
“Why? I’ve been asking you, why? I would spend every minute I have with you if it’d make you happy! What’s causing you to be upset, damn it? Tell me, so I can fix this.”
“If I gave you my world, do you think you could possibly care for me?”
“Jae…I already-”
“I know it’s not much, but it’s all I have. So would you take it?”
“Jaejoong I’m trying to tell you-!”
“It…it’s actually a very empty world. There’s only me…and you.”
“JAEJOONG IF YOU WOULD PLEASE LISTEN.”
Jaejoong wasn’t quite sure when it happened, but there was another man shaking him.
“I didn’t know, Jae.”
This man’s face was familiar. It made Jaejoong sad that this face was so deeply worried and concerned. He wanted to tell the man ‘It’s okay. I don’t know why you’re so upset, but I’m fine, silly. Now would you tell me your name?’
“I didn’t know that you found someone in your world, Jae.”
When did you get so big, Changmin?
Pairings: Jaemin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of sex and drugs. Some teenage-boy lovin' but that's all it is. Loving.
Genre: Angst
A/N: I gots prompted by tvxqluvv and thus it is dedicated to that mofo.
Summary: Jaejoong lives in his own world, and there's no one there.
He liked to go clubbing. The heavy bass beating and making him have a heartbeat once more. He liked rubbing against someone, trying to feel for once. He liked going to a hotel room with that person not in the hopes of falling in love, but of simply making a connection, no matter how fucked up it would be.
This was why it was strange that he would find a friend, let alone a person to love, in the scrawny high school kid that was his estranged third cousin thrice removed or something to that extent.
Jaejoong had gone to the family reunion with the intention to be bored out his mind. He had received a phone call the previous day from his mother, firmly calling him to the party, telling him that he needed to come reacquaint himself with his family.
He then proceeded to go out, get drunk, and go home with someone. When he woke up, he was alone and had one hell of a headache.
And yet, there he was, in his great-aunt’s house, surrounded by people he didn’t know and the smell of hairspray and cat piss. Never had there been a moment where he loved his mother more.
The house was ancient, and his aunt had taken in innumerable amounts of cats. Needless to say, it seemed that everything but the wooden chairs was completely covered in hair. It was bizarre to see his mother and grandmother chatting listlessly, all the while gaining more and more hair on their dresses. They probably didn’t notice because they had likely gone blind and senile in their old age.
When he had entered, all Jaejoong’s mother had supplied him with was a smile and a wave, so he had been left to fend off questioning family members all by his lonesome. He was instantly bombarded with questions about where he had been and why he was never at family events. After being asked the same question six hundred times or so, the crowd surrounding him died down.
Picking his way through the crowded house, he managed to snag a chair that wasn’t cushioned with cat fur. He was uncomfortably crammed between a couch and another person sitting on a chair. Turning to look at the people on the couch, he saw his uncle talking to his father. Both men noticed Jaejoong and briefly nodded.
What a loving family I have. First they harass me and then they utterly ignore me. Jaejoong could not help but to bitterly think.
Trying to find even the smallest bit of solace, Jaejoong scanned the thickly populated living room. By now, everyone had gotten up and retrieved food. In the midst of the interrogation, he had not noticed that food had been served.
In the sea of flowery paper plates and bright red plastic cups, Jaejoong stuck out prominently as the only person without an order of the heart attack special. However, as his gaze flicked to the right, Jae realized that this wasn’t true.
Beside him, looking equally uncomfortable with the entire situation was a man wearing horn-rimmed glasses with his nose in a book. He was dressed blandly, his clothes draped around his thin body. To anyone else, he would not have been very attractive. He was probably the type of person that kept to himself, and solely enjoyed the company of his books and that was all he needed.
Honestly, the thought of an individual that fit this description wasn’t that strange, but if you were actually there, surrounded by the loud, luridly dressed members of the Kim family you would stare. No one else was, probably because he was there often and they accepted his social deficiencies, but Jaejoong could not tear his eyes away from this bizarrely beautiful man.
“It would be really nice if you’d stop looking at me.”
The only sign that the comment was from the man was the faintest of smiles on his face and a finger coming from behind the book to push up the glasses that were precariously dangling from his nose.
“What’s your name?” Jaejoong was blunt, and didn’t care for formalities. Not only that, but the man was the most fascinating person he had ever met yet they had never spoken before this moment.
This time, the man lifted his head and looked at Jaejoong. It was then that he realized that, no, this was not a man, this was a boy. But then the boy flashed a smile and his eyes became mismatched and Jaejoong forgot his age and didn’t care.
“Changmin. And what would yours be?”
“Jaejoong. It’s really nice to meet you.”
Changmin smiled, “I’ve never seen you at these parties before. Are your parents nice enough to not force you to go to these things?”
Jaejoong laughed softly, “Do I look that young? I’m twenty-four, so I haven’t lived with my parents in a long time. Though I guess those geezers still do have some power over me if I’m here.”
Changmin flushed, “Oh - ah! I’m sorry. You did look young, and I just thought you probably only talked to me because we’re about the only people close in age…I don’t know, I’m just stupid.”
Jae smiled complacently, “Actually, you looked older when I first saw you. But I’m horrible at guessing ages. You’re probably ten, right?”
“Ha, no. I’m sixteen. I’m almost out of high school.”
Jaejoong chuckled, “Oh, so you’re a big boy, are you?”
“Mmhm, the biggest.”
Changmin looked around the room before turning back to Jaejoong.
“It’s really stuffy in here; would you like to go outside with me?”
Jaejoong nodded and got up, following Min outside to the front of the house. They stopped when they reached a sporty looking car. Changmin leaned against the car before taking off his glasses and looking around.
“Much better…” he murmured contentedly.
Jaejoong looked on the act confusedly. Noticing it, Changmin began to explain.
“I wear thick glasses so that people won’t bother me. Most people don’t like to bother with loners, let alone nerdy-looking ones. Obviously it didn’t work on you.”
Jaejoong smirked, “So you’re antisocial?”
Nodding, Changmin rummaged in his pocket before pulling out a pack of cigarettes.
“Want one?” Changmin looked pointedly at the man next to him, holding out the thin cancer stick.
“Definitely the biggest, baddest boy around.” Jae reached out but right as he was about to grasp his high, it was pulled away out of his reach. Jaejoong’s eyes crawled up Changmin’s torso and his arm until his eyes reached what he was looking for.
“Fuck, you’re tall.”
It was Changmin’s turn to laugh, “I did tell you I was the biggest. But that wasn’t what I was trying to say. I was sort of hoping you could take me out…”
Jae’s eyes widened and he knew right then that even if it wasn’t that way, things were going to be very different with this boy, “Like on a date?”
The chiming laugh came again, “Don’t look so scared! I just wanted to go out for a drink, but since I am in fact sixteen I can’t exactly acquire it.”
Jae raised a fine eyebrow, “Oh really? And a rich little kid like you can’t afford a fake ID?”
“I could get it for free if I wanted, but I don’t like messing with that shit. I could get arrested.”
The older of the two rolled his eyes, “And you can’t get arrested for underage drinking?”
Min’s bright eyes lit up, “Not in as much trouble, I can just talk about peer pressure and they’ll let me off. A fake ID calls for some planning ahead.”
Jae frowned, “Well, shit…I guess we’re going out for a drink, eh buddy?”
That was the honest truth of their friendship. It was a mixture of Jaejoong’s willingness to buy alcohol for the minor, and the mutual need to have a friend that didn’t quite fit in just like you and also Changmin’s levelheadedness that kept the older man in check. It was every aspect of each other’s personalities meshing together to make each other better, or at the very least, to support each other and be supported.
After the first night out of drinking, the two never went a day without seeing the other. It was strange how compatible the two were, having gone all this time not knowing each other, yet both of them lived in the same city and took the same bus routes. Probably as a means to redeem the lost time, Jaejoong swears that he remembers seeing Changmin on the train one night after he came back from a club.
Changmin jokes back that if they did in fact go on the same bus one night, he wouldn’t have noticed because he would have been sucking face with some anonymous man. Jaejoong would agree and then not-so-jokingly ask Changmin if he could possibly be that anonymous person for one night.
It takes a year for Jaejoong to fully understand why he always wished that Changmin would say yes to his joking requests for services or why he would always feel a pang of jealousy whenever he was near, whenever he simply heard about one of Changmin’s girlfriends or boyfriends.
He was horrified. The kid was a fucking baby, and here he was, a grown man, falling in love with him. Never mind that he was the most fascinating person Jaejoong had ever met, never mind that he was so intelligent and wise beyond his years, he was sixteen fucking candles old.
And yet there was never a time when he was with him when he felt disgusting for loving him. He knew that Changmin wasn’t pure, and it broke his heart at times. It wasn’t a matter of having him for himself, but the fact that he was so young, yet he was acting so similar to the way Jaejoong himself had acted at that age. He didn’t want Changmin to end up like him.
The deep caring they had for each other was proof of their love, which was as intimate as two people could get without being in love. They had seen each other at their worst. When Changmin got dumped for the first time and when Jaejoong almost got raped, they had been there, crying along with their other half.
For Changmin, it was like being married, only without the romantic sort of love.
For Jaejoong, it was the same, but it was one-sided in his affections.
By the time Changmin entered his final year of high school, the entire family knew of their relationship, and quite a few disapproved.
“That Jaejoong is a bad influence for Changmin! He’s been living off his parents all this time, don’t you know?”
“I heard from my friend that her daughter saw Changmin drinking! You know that’s obviously because he’s been spending time with Jaejoong.”
And then, there was always the other possibility.
“I think those boys are too close.”
“Whatever are you talking about?”
“They are much too close to just share a friendship; I think that something much more sinister is going on with those boys.”
“That’s nonsense! The only problem is that Jaejoong is a bad example. But he’s not so horrid as to go after such a young boy!”
“My dear, you forget that he isn’t that young. He’s almost out of high school and legal.”
“Bu-But Jaejoong knows better! Not only that, but they’re related for god’s sake!”
“Honestly, I never liked that man…he was too much trouble as a child and he would never conform to the ideal lifestyle that the rest of us so righteously live!”
Neither of them cared. Changmin would brush off any and all comments, saying that his and Jaejoong’s relationship was completely platonic and that not only was Jaejoong a good example, but he supported and helped him.
This was all very true. Changmin was drinking way before he met Jaejoong and Jaejoong knew that the boy was off-limits. No bad influences and no ‘inappropriate’ relations.
Jaejoong knew it was hopeless anyway. He was much older than the boy, by eight years! Changmin was youthful and gorgeous and Jaejoong knew he couldn’t put the heavy thought that his best friend was in love, and it couldn’t be mutual.
Jaejoong knew with all his heart that it would kill Changmin, knowing that Jaejoong couldn’t be happy. Because Changmin would know how much he loved him, he would realize that he was the only one Jae could be with. And Changmin wasn’t a liar; he wouldn’t put up an act, pretending that he reciprocated the feelings.
Jaejoong had taken to lying awake at night, wondering why he had to fall for the boy. During these times, the thing that seemed to keep him nailed to reality was the image of Changmin on the day they met, and the phrase “eight years.” The masochistic practice was ritualistic, and Jae came to believe it helped him sleep at night.
He didn’t stop doing it until the day Changmin came up to him, grabbed him by the shoulders and asked him, more serious than ever, if he was alright.
Jaejoong cried, and Changmin comforted. The boy never found out what was upsetting him, but the following week the color had returned to his face and it was like it never happened.
--
Two years. Eight years. Eighteen years. Twenty-six years.
Those were the most significant numbers right now. Two years of the best friendship ever. Eight years that were probably the only thing holding it back from growing to something more. Eighteen years old, Shim Changmin. Twenty-six years old, Kim Jaejoong.
Today was the day Changmin turned legal. As the cameras flashed, he smiled and blew out the candles.
It wasn’t the suffocating formal event that they had met in; it was one where they were surrounded by all their friends and everyone was laughing not for show, but because they were just happy.
A month had passed since the incident of Jaejoong breaking down, and Changmin never brought it up again. Several months had passed since Changmin graduated and moved in with Jaejoong.
At the time he moved in, he had known of Jaejoong’s dislike of any sort of romantic relationship. It was week later when he noticed that Jaejoong didn’t just dislike them, but downright avoided any situation that could lead to a relationship, other than having sex.
Once you slept with Jae, you would never do it again. If you met him at a club, god forbid that you were still there when he woke up. By the time Changmin had moved in, the man had already gained a reputation, but there were always the few individuals that didn’t know and they were the ones that tended to fuck up the most with Jaejoong.
Changmin would first be wakened by something breaking or clattering loudly, signaling that Jae had finally gotten up and seen the person. Next, there would be loud yells echoing throughout the house to show that Jae had really woken up and that he wasn’t happy with what was going on. Finally, a door would slam as yet another person failed to gain the affection of Jaejoong.
Sometimes they would leave their clothes in the house. You could see Jaejoong wearing them out to a club or at the mall the following week, after they had been through the wash two times or so to get out the smell of drugs and sex.
The first few times Changmin had just assumed Jae’s cold demeanor towards his one-night stands was because he wasn’t in a good mood, but it became obvious that most times Jaejoong was like this with anyone who approached him. It was a wonder that none of them seemed frightened away.
It was probably just an opportunity to brag to their friends. And yet, they all cried when Jae forced them out. It was probably the effect he had on people. He was beautiful, and he could make you fall for him in a second. There were numerous people who got caught up in his little world.
Yes, the man definitely resided in a different world than everyone. He spent his days looking and looking for another person in this lonely world, yet there was none. Only reflections and illusions and wishes. But no people.
This revelation was why behind the bright candles and his smile, Changmin wasn’t happy. Instead of feeling fluttery because his current girlfriend promised a good time tonight and warm because of the love exuding from his friends, he felt impossibly cold.
The party eventually ended, and everyone was rushed out. Girlfriends complained, and friends griped, but soon enough the house was truly empty save for its usual tenants.
“…Jae?” Changmin called out tentatively, but the man was no where to be seen.
Frowning slightly, Changmin began walking up the stairs. After checking in both their bedrooms and still seeing no sign of Jae, he decided to check the balcony.
It was warm outside, and the stars were out, unusually bright. Deciding that Jaejoong had probably made his way out with the rush of other guests, Min decided to stay outside and enjoy the beautiful sight.
“How are you feeling?” a soft voice called out behind the boy.
Spinning around so quick he almost got whiplash, he saw Jaejoong leisurely leaning against the balcony.
Breathing out a sigh of relief, Changmin smiled, “I was looking for you. To ask you the exact same question.”
Jae looked away, “I’m fine. I don’t know why you need to ask. I’m more concerned with you. I know you’re not happy. What’s wrong?”
Changmin smiled weakly, “Stupid. I’m not happy because you’re not happy. You know that I could’ve won the fucking lottery but I’d still be depressed if you didn’t smile.”
Jaejoong’s frown deepened, “I’m fine, honestly. You’re just being dumb. Smile, for fuck’s sake.”
“Not unless you do it first.”
Jae’s head snapped up, alarmed, “I can’t…”
Two strides and Changmin was right in front of him. He lifted a hand to touch his cheek and Jaejoong flinched violently.
“God dammit, Jae! I know something is wrong, so tell me what it is!”
“What are you doing to yourself?” he said dully, his head slumped and his body slack.
“W-What?”
Jaejoong looked up and his eyes were blazing.
“Why are you still here?! Why the hell do you still waste your time here with me? I know you’re a fucking smart kid, Min, now you need to go and do something about it! I’m sick of seeing you here, deteriorating because you won’t go and get a good job. Is it because of me, Changmin? I’m twenty-six fucking years old; I can handle it, so tell me!”
Changmin gripped the front of Jaejoong’s shirt and punched him. One sickening smacking sound, and then another. Jaejoong fell to the ground at the second punch, before being bombarded with three, four, five and six.
Chest heaving, Changmin stood a hulking figure over his best friend, “Shut up. I want to live here, bastard, so shut up.”
Looking up as he caressed his aching cheek, Jae saw that there were tears streaming down the boy’s face.
“I did this for me. I was the one being stupid and selfish. I couldn’t live alone if I wanted to! I…When you asked me to move in, it was like a miracle. My parents were forcing me out, and I was scared. Doesn’t matter that I’m a smart kid and that I’m supposed to be able to take care of myself, I needed this. I needed you.”
Jaejoong reached out and grabbed Changmin’s hand. Squeezing gently, he pulled Changmin down into his lap, and began smoothing his hair down. It was an extremely fatherly act, one that would normally be done to a very young child, and it was rather awkward because Changmin was much larger than Jaejoong.
“You probably never noticed, but you were always afraid to do things by yourself. You missed out on a lot of courses you wanted to take because none of your friends were interested in them, and you would always be with someone. It took you numerous times to get your license and I’m sure it wasn’t because you were a bad driver, but probably because the thought of having to drive by yourself scared you.”
The sureness that Jaejoong spoke with made it sound like they had known each other forever, instead of two short years.
“It feels like it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, just me and you,” Changmin whispered.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with that girlfriend of yours.” The bitterness in his voice was tangible, but Changmin either didn’t notice or wasn’t fazed.
“I think I’m going to break up with her. She’s boring.”
“Who’s next in line?” Jaejoong smirked.
“I don’t think I want to go out with anyone for now…”
Jaejoong looked surprised, “What? The gigolo Shim Changmin isn’t feeling up to finding yet another customer to please?”
This earned him a smack to the back of the head, “Shut the hell up. Just because I’m well-liked doesn’t mean I’m a fucking escort.”
Jaejoong was laid out on the floor now, staring up into the bright nighttime sky.
“…are you lonely?”
Jaejoong looked lazily at the boy, “I live with you.”
“You know that’s not what I mean. Are you lonely on the inside?”
Jaejoong turned over to face him, “Not always.”
Changmin laughed mirthlessly, “So you only feel lonely every other second?”
“Something like that.”
Changmin’s fist slammed down on the cold marble.
“Why? I’ve been asking you, why? I would spend every minute I have with you if it’d make you happy! What’s causing you to be upset, damn it? Tell me, so I can fix this.”
“If I gave you my world, do you think you could possibly care for me?”
“Jae…I already-”
“I know it’s not much, but it’s all I have. So would you take it?”
“Jaejoong I’m trying to tell you-!”
“It…it’s actually a very empty world. There’s only me…and you.”
“JAEJOONG IF YOU WOULD PLEASE LISTEN.”
Jaejoong wasn’t quite sure when it happened, but there was another man shaking him.
“I didn’t know, Jae.”
This man’s face was familiar. It made Jaejoong sad that this face was so deeply worried and concerned. He wanted to tell the man ‘It’s okay. I don’t know why you’re so upset, but I’m fine, silly. Now would you tell me your name?’
“I didn’t know that you found someone in your world, Jae.”
When did you get so big, Changmin?