It's Been A While, Since I Could Hold My Head Up High
My God, he beat Stafs so bad. They don't know if he'll ever wake up. I couldn't look Mrs. Stafslien in the eyes, she kept saying she didn't understand why someone would do this to him. I couldn't tell her that it was al my fault. That the thing Stafs was guilty of was being nice to me. That he didn't deserve it, that I did.
I can't fight it anymore. I have to stop being selfish and just do what needs to be done so that this all will end. Its only a matter of time now. I don't have the charm anymore. After Josh left, I went back inside work and grabbed some stuff to make a fake charm and had Momma drive me over to Katy's house and gave her the working one. I can at least save her. It may be the last thing I am able to do. I left a message for Cristoff and Eva about needing another one.
I went to school the next day and there was a rose and a message on my locker. I don't think anyone else noticed, cause they had found Alan Kieser dead in the basement. I went and found something to clean it off the best I can. I think you can still see it, if you look hard enough. I try to feel something, cause Alan is dead, in my head I know it's not right. But I can't. I'm just numb to it all. I guess there really is something warped about me.
Everything Josh said the other day keeps spinning through my head. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I do want this, want him to hurt me. Maybe theres something he sees in me, that I'm this person that who likes all this. I don't think so, but there has to be some reason why all this has happened, I don't understand what I did to cause it. So maybe he's right and its just me. Hurting me seems to be fun. That has to come from somewhere, maybe it comes from me.
I just can't let anyone else get hurt because of me. Its selfish. It's selfish of me to try and save myself at the expense of others. I never knew I could be so arrogant to think that I was more important. I've been very careful not to talk to anyone, I keep my head down and I don't smile at anyone. Making sure no one can see me being nice to any one person. I don't want to accidentally target anyone else. Not that I've had a lot of reasons to smile.
I want to tell Nick, what is going on. I just...theres just so many reasons I can't. He has enough to worry about, to be afraid of. I would give the world for me not to be one of those things he has to worry about. Maybe I should break up with him. Have him hate me so it doesn't hurt him if something happens to me. Or I could tell him how all this stuff is my fault. Once he realized all the things I am responsible for, maybe he would finally realize that I wasn't worth it. He'd realize the horrible person that I am and not want to have anything to do with me. Or maybe he already knows what kind of person I am, and thats why he only asked me out in the first place when he was messed up on those pills. Either way I'm not any good for him, I would be doing him good by ending it now. That would probably be the right thing to do. But I am so damn selfish, I don't want to loose him, I don't want him to hate me, I don't want him to hurt, ever.
God, I love him so much. I never in a million years deserve to be loved by someone as good as him. I would do anything not to hurt him. I would do anything not to leave him like Jesse did. I would give anything to turn back time, do things differently so none of this had ever happened. I can't stand the thought of never seeing him again.
I guess it time to get going. Snyder is holding an assembly, attendance is mandatory. I don't know why, maybe cause he was a precious jock, or maybe it's cause he died on school grounds. I just don't remeber us doing this for any other students who have dies during the school year. But theres no telling why Snyder does the things that he does. Just know I have to go. Going to be hard mustering up sympathy for Alan. Hard not to see Josh when I think about him. Those guys all hung out together. I guess I am a horrible person.
I can't fight it anymore. I have to stop being selfish and just do what needs to be done so that this all will end. Its only a matter of time now. I don't have the charm anymore. After Josh left, I went back inside work and grabbed some stuff to make a fake charm and had Momma drive me over to Katy's house and gave her the working one. I can at least save her. It may be the last thing I am able to do. I left a message for Cristoff and Eva about needing another one.
I went to school the next day and there was a rose and a message on my locker. I don't think anyone else noticed, cause they had found Alan Kieser dead in the basement. I went and found something to clean it off the best I can. I think you can still see it, if you look hard enough. I try to feel something, cause Alan is dead, in my head I know it's not right. But I can't. I'm just numb to it all. I guess there really is something warped about me.
Everything Josh said the other day keeps spinning through my head. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I do want this, want him to hurt me. Maybe theres something he sees in me, that I'm this person that who likes all this. I don't think so, but there has to be some reason why all this has happened, I don't understand what I did to cause it. So maybe he's right and its just me. Hurting me seems to be fun. That has to come from somewhere, maybe it comes from me.
I just can't let anyone else get hurt because of me. Its selfish. It's selfish of me to try and save myself at the expense of others. I never knew I could be so arrogant to think that I was more important. I've been very careful not to talk to anyone, I keep my head down and I don't smile at anyone. Making sure no one can see me being nice to any one person. I don't want to accidentally target anyone else. Not that I've had a lot of reasons to smile.
I want to tell Nick, what is going on. I just...theres just so many reasons I can't. He has enough to worry about, to be afraid of. I would give the world for me not to be one of those things he has to worry about. Maybe I should break up with him. Have him hate me so it doesn't hurt him if something happens to me. Or I could tell him how all this stuff is my fault. Once he realized all the things I am responsible for, maybe he would finally realize that I wasn't worth it. He'd realize the horrible person that I am and not want to have anything to do with me. Or maybe he already knows what kind of person I am, and thats why he only asked me out in the first place when he was messed up on those pills. Either way I'm not any good for him, I would be doing him good by ending it now. That would probably be the right thing to do. But I am so damn selfish, I don't want to loose him, I don't want him to hate me, I don't want him to hurt, ever.
God, I love him so much. I never in a million years deserve to be loved by someone as good as him. I would do anything not to hurt him. I would do anything not to leave him like Jesse did. I would give anything to turn back time, do things differently so none of this had ever happened. I can't stand the thought of never seeing him again.
I guess it time to get going. Snyder is holding an assembly, attendance is mandatory. I don't know why, maybe cause he was a precious jock, or maybe it's cause he died on school grounds. I just don't remeber us doing this for any other students who have dies during the school year. But theres no telling why Snyder does the things that he does. Just know I have to go. Going to be hard mustering up sympathy for Alan. Hard not to see Josh when I think about him. Those guys all hung out together. I guess I am a horrible person.