And all I can do is try

[theresa_trejo]

I went to see Josh the other night. I don't know why, but I had to see him. I took Momma's car and drove out to the base. The only one at the building was that Army guy who was with Maddy when Josh was arrested, the one who beat him to the floor. His name is Jack Morgann, I think he said captain or something. I convince him this was something

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[nicholas_baker]

*closes the door to his room behind him and Theresa*

Marcus is in the living room talking to Amber and Jake and Jordan are in your room. This may be our only chance for privacy.

*sits down on the bottom bunk of the bunk beds*

[theresa_trejo]

*smiles a little*

Kinda closed quarters. I know I have alot of siblings but I don't know if I've ever felt this closed in.

*looks at him*

How are you?

[nicholas_baker]

Clausterphobic, but I'm managing.

*smiles a little*

I've never had to share my space before. I mean a little with Marcus, but that's different. I'm used to him. Jake is um, kind of messy and disorganized.

How about you?

[theresa_trejo]

Yeah, I don't know Amber and Jordan that well. To be like around them all the time. I have sisters but they are like little. It's just..different.

*looks off a bit*

I'm okay. I ah..I'm okay

[nicholas_baker]

I understand. Sometimes you need to do what feels right for you.

When I lost it with Josh... I had to get those feelings out there. Had to unleash some of this stuff I've kept bottled up.

*voice quiet*

Then I got home and I was still on the edge. I could feel myself trying to shut down and Marcus wouldn't let me. He kept pushing and it took one word and I broke, Tres.

I broke down and the next thing I knew, I was saying things that I'd had kept inside for so long. I realized things that I didn't see before.

It's like things came together and I finally saw everything with clear eyes.

[theresa_trejo]

What did you see?

*looks at him*

Yeah it was kinda like that for me. One thing said that clicks and kinda changes the whole way I was looking at everything.

[nicholas_baker]

I saw that a big reason I was so tied up inside was because I thought my getting attack let everyone down. That my parents, you and Marcus seem to put me in this category away from everyone else, including yourselves. That you spend so much time protecting me from the world and shielding me from the ugliness, that when I got hurt...

You guys fell apart. It's like Xan was freaking out because he'd lost Jesse and he needed me to be all right so he could say, "At least Nick is safe." That my parents was freaking for the same reason. They lost my brother so they needed to be able to say, "At least Nick is safe."

You and Marcus have been through so much that the one thing you could say was, "At least Nick is safe."

*realizes he's rambling*

Sorry. It's just, it hit me everyone needed me to be safe, including me because I wanted you guys to have that. Then suddenly I wasn't safe. I wasn't all right and I felt like I screwed things up for everyone.

[theresa_trejo]

*takes everything in that he said*

God, Nick. No. You didn't let me down. You have never let me down. Yeah I want you to be safe, I don't want you to hurt or be hurt, because I love you.

It's just...you are so good. To me, to everyone. You were only out there trying to protect your friends. It seemed unfair for this horrible thing to happen to you.

*realizes swhat she has been doing*

You're right. I guess it did go through my head that as long as you were safe and happy and alive, that I could take whatever happened to me. That that would make it fair.

I do try to protect you. From the crap thats happened. Not becasue I think you can't handle it. But because...I don't think you deserve any more bad things in your life.