(no subject)
Well I was waiting till the end of the week to write about this, but its after 12 and its Friday so I believe I'm allowed now.
This has been, to say the least, a very tough week. I have never in my life felt so alone and with no one to talk to. So many things have happened where I should have been able to call my best friend (who is busy f'ing other girls) my cousin (who is busy doing god knows what or who) my girl friends (who I seem to be dead to) or... well I don't really have an or. I guess what they say is right, at the end of the day you only have yourself. And look at this, traveled the world, accomplished so much, and still I feel completely and totally alone. A good time to get up and leave I guess, because now I'm really not leaving anything behind.
I've heard so much bad news this week that I would think a part of me would feel better. But I'm not. I found out about that girl who herself found out she was adopted, after 20 some years, the girl who had the abortion, the girl whose bf turned out to have a daughter and owed years of child support, the girl with the std. I mean shit, life is bad for them. So why so I feel so down, is it because I don't feel a connection to anyone. Hmm..
And I think the thing that bothers me the most, is how much all this bothers me. How badly I want to feel that connection and closetivity (I realize that's not a word) with someone. Its almost as if you start thinking, if I was gone or dead, it wouldn't really effect anyone. I mean not that I'm having suicidal thoughts or anything morbid, but I just feel really alone. I need to go out and meet some new people, but I'm not looking for something short term or some temporary satisfaction. I want those feelings that last a life time. And I truly believed I had that with some people, how disappointing. How sad I am that you let us go. I know I put in the effort, because these relationships mean so much to me. I really wish I meant more to you...
sigh
This has been, to say the least, a very tough week. I have never in my life felt so alone and with no one to talk to. So many things have happened where I should have been able to call my best friend (who is busy f'ing other girls) my cousin (who is busy doing god knows what or who) my girl friends (who I seem to be dead to) or... well I don't really have an or. I guess what they say is right, at the end of the day you only have yourself. And look at this, traveled the world, accomplished so much, and still I feel completely and totally alone. A good time to get up and leave I guess, because now I'm really not leaving anything behind.
I've heard so much bad news this week that I would think a part of me would feel better. But I'm not. I found out about that girl who herself found out she was adopted, after 20 some years, the girl who had the abortion, the girl whose bf turned out to have a daughter and owed years of child support, the girl with the std. I mean shit, life is bad for them. So why so I feel so down, is it because I don't feel a connection to anyone. Hmm..
And I think the thing that bothers me the most, is how much all this bothers me. How badly I want to feel that connection and closetivity (I realize that's not a word) with someone. Its almost as if you start thinking, if I was gone or dead, it wouldn't really effect anyone. I mean not that I'm having suicidal thoughts or anything morbid, but I just feel really alone. I need to go out and meet some new people, but I'm not looking for something short term or some temporary satisfaction. I want those feelings that last a life time. And I truly believed I had that with some people, how disappointing. How sad I am that you let us go. I know I put in the effort, because these relationships mean so much to me. I really wish I meant more to you...
sigh