(no subject)
Let's see. Almost 2:30 am and I can't sleep. It's been a rather long week and to be honest it's been a lonely week. I haven't talked to anyone, I haven't seen anyone, no calls no msgs no emails. Just me. It's made me think about a lot of stuff a lot of people and realize a lot about myself as well. Where to begin...
I realize that although I am comfortable with myself I really really hate being alone. A little while doesn't matter but being social is important, my friends are important, my people are important. But even though I hate being alone I do not need pity friendships. And those people who are walking out of my life will someday look back over their shoulder and see the distance between us. My priorities have changed a bit, but the importance of finances rings true as ever. It physically hurts me to see what my parents are going through financially. I would do almost anything for my mom not to wake up at 4:30 am to go to a minimum wage job... Or to hear my dad on the phone for 2 hours to make a sale. If I had my money I would give it all to them and beg them not to work. I just don't understand how we got here. I get so mad and so angry to see them going through this and I feel worthless. How have we gotten through the last 2 years? And the thing is that not having anyone to talk to is making me take out my anger on them. I am rude and snappy and miserable. I'm not sleeping well I'm really stressed about my health and... I could use a friend. What else, I have realized that in the past year I have learned enough to be able to give myself advice. I know how to deal with pain and heartbreak and loneliness. But it's still easier said then done.
A lot of people are on my mind lately. I can't help if they wonder about me. All those people in Germany, do they ever think about me, ask about me, wonder what I'm upto? And what about him... Now that he deleted me he can't see pictures but I left them all there. Do you randomly remember stuff like I do, does it make you smile does it make you sad... What about other guys, the white guy m, the gay guy k, the neighbor n, the friend aj, or Asim or Tristan or even harp... Sunny Robby... What happened to those friends... I wonder if the jj and I will get through this, I wonder if rp will ever actually change, I wonder if bu will learn to pick up her phone, I wonder if fi and I will last. How weird that so many people have friends that last their whole lives and yet I can never hold on. At the end of the day it cant be all them right...
I dream about very few things now and I think this is one of the reasons I need to make a bucket list, I need new goals and new adventures. I've never written this in any journal or any blog before and I'm almost scared I'll jinx it b writing it here but I've always believed that........... Can't do it. Can't write it yet. Ok so of course I dream of bringing some happiness to my family, we've had so much sadness and darkness in this house that I would be nice to change that. And then my favorite dream ( well daydream to be honest) is what I would do if I won the lottery. I love it and sometimes it helps me fall asleep. All the people I would give money to, whose lives I would change, the things I would buy them, the places I would send them... Sigh.... The joy I would give them...it can consume me. And then my third dream has always been what my married life would look like. I mean I know the beach, small, intimate bla bla bla. But after, honeymoon in bora bora, loft, earth tones, 3 boys, good food good music dressed to impress game night tv watching foot rubs laundry day no spiders trips every year family get togethers black and white photos projects date night......: I always picture it the same. I see the whole thing being the same. The image never changes. It has never changed and i don't know if it ever will. Why.
Maybe at the end of the day you really just marry your best friend, because when it's all said and done you are only left with communication. So. Hmmm.... Well then what about the sex. Well past 3. Bed time. Or at least a bit more lottery time :)
I realize that although I am comfortable with myself I really really hate being alone. A little while doesn't matter but being social is important, my friends are important, my people are important. But even though I hate being alone I do not need pity friendships. And those people who are walking out of my life will someday look back over their shoulder and see the distance between us. My priorities have changed a bit, but the importance of finances rings true as ever. It physically hurts me to see what my parents are going through financially. I would do almost anything for my mom not to wake up at 4:30 am to go to a minimum wage job... Or to hear my dad on the phone for 2 hours to make a sale. If I had my money I would give it all to them and beg them not to work. I just don't understand how we got here. I get so mad and so angry to see them going through this and I feel worthless. How have we gotten through the last 2 years? And the thing is that not having anyone to talk to is making me take out my anger on them. I am rude and snappy and miserable. I'm not sleeping well I'm really stressed about my health and... I could use a friend. What else, I have realized that in the past year I have learned enough to be able to give myself advice. I know how to deal with pain and heartbreak and loneliness. But it's still easier said then done.
A lot of people are on my mind lately. I can't help if they wonder about me. All those people in Germany, do they ever think about me, ask about me, wonder what I'm upto? And what about him... Now that he deleted me he can't see pictures but I left them all there. Do you randomly remember stuff like I do, does it make you smile does it make you sad... What about other guys, the white guy m, the gay guy k, the neighbor n, the friend aj, or Asim or Tristan or even harp... Sunny Robby... What happened to those friends... I wonder if the jj and I will get through this, I wonder if rp will ever actually change, I wonder if bu will learn to pick up her phone, I wonder if fi and I will last. How weird that so many people have friends that last their whole lives and yet I can never hold on. At the end of the day it cant be all them right...
I dream about very few things now and I think this is one of the reasons I need to make a bucket list, I need new goals and new adventures. I've never written this in any journal or any blog before and I'm almost scared I'll jinx it b writing it here but I've always believed that........... Can't do it. Can't write it yet. Ok so of course I dream of bringing some happiness to my family, we've had so much sadness and darkness in this house that I would be nice to change that. And then my favorite dream ( well daydream to be honest) is what I would do if I won the lottery. I love it and sometimes it helps me fall asleep. All the people I would give money to, whose lives I would change, the things I would buy them, the places I would send them... Sigh.... The joy I would give them...it can consume me. And then my third dream has always been what my married life would look like. I mean I know the beach, small, intimate bla bla bla. But after, honeymoon in bora bora, loft, earth tones, 3 boys, good food good music dressed to impress game night tv watching foot rubs laundry day no spiders trips every year family get togethers black and white photos projects date night......: I always picture it the same. I see the whole thing being the same. The image never changes. It has never changed and i don't know if it ever will. Why.
Maybe at the end of the day you really just marry your best friend, because when it's all said and done you are only left with communication. So. Hmmm.... Well then what about the sex. Well past 3. Bed time. Or at least a bit more lottery time :)