(no subject)
This is just a random rant. I get really angry and frustrated when I feel jealous. I mean I can acknowledge the emotion being there, and I can understand that I am feeling that way but I don’t understand why I am feeling that way.
reading, working out, and more recently now sleeping (going to write a post on vitamin B…yesterday?). Anyways, more recently I have come across intense feelings of jealousy towards my brothers, even the one that is in Korea I am jealous of. Let me explain further.
So my brother who is in Korea left in September. He is there finishing his bachelor of science in Seoul university, he’s gone for one year, and then he’s coming back. The way my mother has reacted to him leaving is absolutely ridiculous. The first month she talked about him on a daily basis, oh I wonder how he’s doing, where he’s going, if he’s made any friends, if this if that. Oh I don’t want to eat pizza because who knows what he’s eating and I feel guilty. Oh I hope he’s ok at night; I hope his health is ok, whatever. Then in November it was his birthday and they put together this package of stuff for him, she even baked him homemade cookies, the price of sending this stuff was so absurd that it would have been easier to send him the money, but no, he needed the love from home. She’s constantly checking her email to see if he’s written, still talks about him all the time, and in all honesty the emails she wrote to him (which I was cc’d on) made me want to throw up.
Ok let’s compare. I was gone for a year. I was back packing around the world alone. Repeat, I was backpacking. I was using my life savings. Did I mention I was alone? Ok cool…often I didn’t know where I would be sleeping or how I was getting from one place to the next. My mother sent me a total of 3 emails, all basically yelling at me, bringing up marriage in one form or another, more yelling, and basically spreading out the words ‘you are a disappointment’ over several paragraphs.
My other brother, who I usually tend to get along quite well with, has been in a serious relationship for well over a year…wait it might be two years. I don’t know its hit some milestone. Anyways, not only is he dating a girl from another country with another background, she came to Canada, STAYED in our house for 4 weeks, and now he’s going down to see her. My parents know they are dating, they know he drinks, they know that’s he’s going down to see her, they know…well I don’t know what else they know. The point is that all of this is allowed, and they are ok with it, and they ACCEPT it. He is 5 f’ing years younger than me, what the hell is going on??? I am 26 and NOW I am allowed to date, now!!! When they are ready. I wasn’t allowed to date when I was younger, it was hard enough having guy friends much less trying to have anything more, I definitely wasn’t allowed to drink, and forget vacations, every time I left the house at night I had to fight with them. I still have to fight with my mother after a year of traveling on my own. The rules still apply to me and not to them. What the hell. What. The. Hell.
I feel like stomping my feet on the floor and yelling ‘ITS NOT FAIR’!!!! And to be completely honest I often feel screams welling up inside me (circa meltdown @ age 16) and I have to clamp my mouth shut to keep them from escaping. I cannot deal with the double standard in my house, I absolutely cannot handle it. And coming from a woman who is constantly complaining about the double standard she had growing up with a younger brother, I can’t believe the extent to which she has repeated the cycle. I need to get the hell out of here before I conform to her ways and one day end up being like this. Please let me break the cycle. That is all. Rant done. Thank you for listening.
reading, working out, and more recently now sleeping (going to write a post on vitamin B…yesterday?). Anyways, more recently I have come across intense feelings of jealousy towards my brothers, even the one that is in Korea I am jealous of. Let me explain further.
So my brother who is in Korea left in September. He is there finishing his bachelor of science in Seoul university, he’s gone for one year, and then he’s coming back. The way my mother has reacted to him leaving is absolutely ridiculous. The first month she talked about him on a daily basis, oh I wonder how he’s doing, where he’s going, if he’s made any friends, if this if that. Oh I don’t want to eat pizza because who knows what he’s eating and I feel guilty. Oh I hope he’s ok at night; I hope his health is ok, whatever. Then in November it was his birthday and they put together this package of stuff for him, she even baked him homemade cookies, the price of sending this stuff was so absurd that it would have been easier to send him the money, but no, he needed the love from home. She’s constantly checking her email to see if he’s written, still talks about him all the time, and in all honesty the emails she wrote to him (which I was cc’d on) made me want to throw up.
Ok let’s compare. I was gone for a year. I was back packing around the world alone. Repeat, I was backpacking. I was using my life savings. Did I mention I was alone? Ok cool…often I didn’t know where I would be sleeping or how I was getting from one place to the next. My mother sent me a total of 3 emails, all basically yelling at me, bringing up marriage in one form or another, more yelling, and basically spreading out the words ‘you are a disappointment’ over several paragraphs.
My other brother, who I usually tend to get along quite well with, has been in a serious relationship for well over a year…wait it might be two years. I don’t know its hit some milestone. Anyways, not only is he dating a girl from another country with another background, she came to Canada, STAYED in our house for 4 weeks, and now he’s going down to see her. My parents know they are dating, they know he drinks, they know that’s he’s going down to see her, they know…well I don’t know what else they know. The point is that all of this is allowed, and they are ok with it, and they ACCEPT it. He is 5 f’ing years younger than me, what the hell is going on??? I am 26 and NOW I am allowed to date, now!!! When they are ready. I wasn’t allowed to date when I was younger, it was hard enough having guy friends much less trying to have anything more, I definitely wasn’t allowed to drink, and forget vacations, every time I left the house at night I had to fight with them. I still have to fight with my mother after a year of traveling on my own. The rules still apply to me and not to them. What the hell. What. The. Hell.
I feel like stomping my feet on the floor and yelling ‘ITS NOT FAIR’!!!! And to be completely honest I often feel screams welling up inside me (circa meltdown @ age 16) and I have to clamp my mouth shut to keep them from escaping. I cannot deal with the double standard in my house, I absolutely cannot handle it. And coming from a woman who is constantly complaining about the double standard she had growing up with a younger brother, I can’t believe the extent to which she has repeated the cycle. I need to get the hell out of here before I conform to her ways and one day end up being like this. Please let me break the cycle. That is all. Rant done. Thank you for listening.