The first stanza is remarkably conversational, and, so, I have remarked on this particular aspect. I know what sort of sensation you're getting at with the Möbius strip and Klein bottles, and I don't criticize you for choosing such an esoteric image, but something doesn't hinge off of something correctly. I think it's moving from trying the action of pushing to there being one of those geometric forms. It's a lot to take in. (What would Escher do...?)
I'd reverse the order of the two phrases at the first line of stanza two. I love that you think the seeds look like eyes, too. "Adjusting...womb" is a cop-out line, and it muddles up the images. Also, you use the singular they in this stanza, and it creates an ambiguity that made it difficult for me to read
( ... )
i originally just haded "mobius strip of peel," but then added "klein rind" because i liked the sound of it. too much. and between the too, i prefer mobius. the word is better and so is the image.
you're right about the womb thing. that image is already addressed (infra), and by eliminating a line from the middle stanza, they all become balanced at five lines apiece.
what to do about 'they'... i want to keep them sounding personal, so i'm hesitant to use 'it'... ack.
Comments 2
I'd reverse the order of the two phrases at the first line of stanza two. I love that you think the seeds look like eyes, too. "Adjusting...womb" is a cop-out line, and it muddles up the images. Also, you use the singular they in this stanza, and it creates an ambiguity that made it difficult for me to read ( ... )
Reply
you're right about the womb thing. that image is already addressed (infra), and by eliminating a line from the middle stanza, they all become balanced at five lines apiece.
what to do about 'they'... i want to keep them sounding personal, so i'm hesitant to use 'it'... ack.
Reply
Leave a comment