[multi-part] Save Me (part 2)
Title: Save Me (part 2)
Pairing: Asou Haruto (1 Litre of Tears)/Sawada Shin (Gokusen)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3707
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything, the characters are both from dramas so all rights relating to the characters belong to the respective creators.
Summary: A new hospital, a new start, that's all he needs, or so he keeps telling himself.
Warnings: Pretty angsty. This takes place after the events of the '1 Litre of Tears' SP, so naturally there will be references/spoilers for the drama, and also some angsty/upsetting themes.
A/N: Written for lilly0 for the Fund-Raising Project for the Habagat Victims.
Part 1
At first he tries to convince himself that it's purely reconnaissance, that he's only seeking out Sawada's company in order to satisfy his own curiosity about how exactly people perceive them to be similar. But as the weeks pass he starts to worry himself that maybe that isn't really it at all.
It's that he likes being around Sawada. They don't really talk much, and the conversations they do have are all about patients, and are often more disagreements, but there's just something about Sawada's presence that makes him feel...something other than alone.
He's not good with people, he's always known it, he's polite and it's easy for him to make acquaintances, but somehow, he's just not really interested in other people, not really, and the few people he has taken the time to get to know are not exactly on the ordinary side.
Sawada is never surrounded by people either but he has that air of it being his choice too. Asou has heard him in conversation with other people and he's a perfectly nice person it seems, but he just seems to prefer being alone. With a smile to himself he wonders if that's what people mean about them being similar, they're anti-social.
He wonders if that's maybe why he likes being around Sawada so much, if it reassures him to know he's not the only one like that, or if he just likes to know that there is at least one other person in the world as lonely as he is, as cut off.
~~~
He voices his thoughts to Sawada at one point.
“Why don't you ever spend your breaks in the staff room? You're allowed in there as a volunteer aren't you?”
Sawada gives him a guarded look “I don't think you have any right to judge me for it...”
“I wasn't, I wasn't trying to judge you, I was just curious.” he insists, trying to ignore the way Sawada's glare is hardening.
“I just like it out here” he replies and he gets up from the bench they're sitting on and wanders to the edge of the rooftop.
It goes against everything his instinct tells him, but Asou gets up too and follows him over to the railing. “Do you ever feel lonely?” but Sawada just turns to look at him, half amused and half incredulous. He knows he should just stop, he should laugh and turn around and walk away, but there's something about Sawada that keeps him rooted to the spot. It's something in his eyes he thinks, the way they're so defensive and impenetrable, and he feels a kind of desperate urge to get inside them, to know what Sawada is really feeling.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his business card, presenting it to Sawada. “It has my personal number on...if you ever want to go out or something, just call me...or text or whatever ok?”
~~~
Sawada doesn't call. It was what he'd expected, but he still feels a bitter pang every time he looks at his silent phone all the same.
He's not even sure what he would do if Sawada did call, he couldn't exactly invite him out somewhere since, despite being in this town for long enough already, he hasn't really been anywhere and he doesn't know where they would go.
He could invite Sawada over to his place he supposes, but then what would they do, he doesn't know anything about Sawada either, what movies he likes, what food.
“You look deep in thought” a dry voice issues from behind him.
He quickly answers with the second most frequent of his thoughts “Ah, just re-thinking Erika-chan's rehab programme, her balance is getting less co-ordinated.”
Sawada nods “I'd noticed too, she's trying very hard to hide it though.”. It's true, and Asou is almost surprised that anybody else had noticed, but of course Sawada would, he spends so much time interacting with all of the patients it's only natural. He's about to comment something to that effect when Sawada turns to him, a sincere expression on his face “I really respect you as a doctor Asou-sensei. You pay very close attention to you patients...and that's important, sometimes it's even more important than the medicine you give them”
There's an almost wistful look on Sawada's face and Asou can tell he's thinking of something particular, someone maybe, and for a moment he wants to ask but he doesn't need too. He thinks of Aya, how even in the end what had given her courage was writing, and having people read it, that was the best medicine anyone could give her.
He's almost startled at how easy he finds it now to think her name. For years after her death he could barely think of her without feeling like he's drowning. But in this place, with this man beside him, somehow he feels stronger, like maybe he's getting better too.
~~~
“I'll be here all day today, so at lunchtime let's go out for some coffee or something ok?”
“Sure” he answers immediately, worried that if he leaves it too long the illusion will fade, but sure enough that's Sawada's head poking around the door of his office, a rare, genuine smile on his face.
There are more of those smiles when they meet for lunch and walk around the corner to the closest coffee shop.
“Did something happen? You seem unusually cheery today.” He asks, and he can't stop his own smile from forming at Sawada's sheepish grin.
“It's not big deal really” Sawada shrugs, but the unfamiliar light in his eyes say different “I just passed some exams is all...”
“Really?” he asks, though he's not really surprised, he knows Sawada is bright. “That's great. Congratulations!”
Sawada shakes it off, but the smile he's trying to hide gives him away a little “I still have a long way to go...”
Asou nods, but he's smiling again anyway “You'll get there. Hey, let's celebrate ok? I'll treat you to lunch wherever you want to go.”
“Don't be silly, you don't need to do that” Sawada insists.
“I know...but I want to” he replies, and it's the truth. His palms feel a little sweaty and his heart is beating just a little too quickly, and he really, really wants to see Sawada smile that way again.”
~~~
It becomes something of a ritual. Sawada works full days every Saturday and they always meet for lunch. Most of the time Asou gets to pay too, jokingly insisting that he's older, and so far there's no proof to deny that he's smarter, and not to mention he's actually earning a decent salary.
Some days they barely talk, and at times they still argue, but more often as time goes by, Asou starts to see a different side to Sawada. A side that shows he's caring and loyal.
Sawada talks a lot about his school, he was something of a trouble-maker it seems, and Asou loves to see the way his face lights up talking about this one crazy teacher he had, and all the trouble he and his class mates caused her.
Asou laughs along as he talks, declining to mention anything of his own high-school life, or the girl that it had revolved around back then.
Sawada seems reluctant to mention a few things too, he doesn't like to talk much about his time in Africa, he'll bring it up sometimes but Asou gets the feeling he has a lot of regret built up there. And he never talks about the time between Africa and here.
Asou wants to ask, his mind goes almost crazy wondering, but the thought of how he'd react if Sawada asked about Aya keeps his mouth sealed. It takes a few weeks but eventually the topic comes up.
“Do you know Ikeuchi Aya?” Sawada asks him one lunchtime, prompting him to spit miso soup across the table. Sawada looks a little confused at the reaction but he doesn't comment, continuing with his previous topic “She suffered from the same disease as some of your patients...and she wrote these really inspiring diaries...but when I looked up more about her, I found that she was at the hospital you used to work at.” Asou is just staring now, his palms a little sweaty again, only not in a good way this time. “I know you didn't start work there until after she died, but I thought you might have heard of her?”
He nods, it's as much as he can manage. “Yeah...”
“I was thinking of getting a few copies of her diaries for the hospital...I think the patients might find them inspiring...” he continues.
Asou can feel his face heating up too, and his scalp feels a little moist. He takes a sip of his juice with a shaky hand and then inhales deeply before looking up to face Sawada. “Yeah, maybe...”
Sawada's face turns to a slight pout “That's not really the reaction I was expecting...If you know of her you must know how much help it would be...”
“I know” Asou cuts him off, a little too loudly. And he does, he remembers the day he saw her again, after so long, after she broke up with him. He read the letter to her himself, a young girl saying how much Aya's diaries had helped her with her own condition. It's just a little too much, the sudden reminder after managing to go so long without thinking of her.
“Are you ok?” Sawada asks, his voice still a little confused, and then he reaches out to touch Asou's hand making the latter jump.
He glances up into Sawada's eyes and the compassion he finds there tells him that somehow Sawada knows, that he understands the storm fighting it's way inside him, and tears well up in his eyes.
“I can't...I'm sorry I can't” he says, getting up from the table and rushing from the restaurant before his tears have time to betray him.
~~~
He's just drifting off to sleep when his phone beside him beeps. Reluctantly he picks it up from the bedside table and reads the notification, one new text, number unknown. He opens it, and his heart freezes at the first two words 'It's Sawada.'
It's been weeks since they've spoken, though that's not exactly Sawada's fault. Asou has been avoiding him, or rather avoiding being alone with him. Ever since the day at the cafe when Sawada said her name, Asou has felt raw. Sawada knew, he must have figured it out from Asou's reaction, and now he knows, and Asou feels like he's been cut open and spread on display whenever they're alone together.
It's not like he expects Sawada to tease him or anything, or even to bring her up again, the look in his eyes had said he understood, and he wouldn't try and make anything more painful...but it's still terrifying. It's the first time since Aya died that he's let anyone get so close, and that thought is what terrifies him.
There's more to the text, and the words he reads next start his heart up again, twice as fast as it should be 'It's not an emergency but I thought you would want to know. Erika-chan tripped at school and broke her wrist, she's at the hospital.'
It's not an emergency, that kind of thing is expected in his patients, but that is little comfort, it means the disease is getting worse. It means he's not helping her enough.
He gets out of bed and throws on some clothes, before rushing down to the hospital. He finds her room quickly and heads up, but as he slides the door open quietly on the dark room, he finds he's not alone.
“You didn't have to come” Sawada whispers from the shadows beside Erika's bed. “I just didn't want you to feel like you were being left out of the loop.”
“I appreciate it, but I wanted to come...” he replies, moving in and towards the small desklamp that illuminates the area immediately around Erika's bed.
“She's asleep. Finally” Sawada says a little bitterly. “She was quite distressed, but we managed to calm her down...” and he glances towards the bed, or rather the book laying atop it almost guiltily.
Sawada reaches out a hand to pick up the book but Asou stops him, reaching for the book first, and it's exactly what he suspects it is. Aya's diary.
“One litre of tears” he almost whispers, his fingers tracing over the letters, and then down to her name. “If she cried a litre, then those of us around her must have each cried five.” He tries to smile, but the lump in his throat won't let him, instead he glances up to Sawada's face, finding it contorted with compassion and pity. “I've never known anyone else as strong as her, or as stubborn, or pig-headed...or as incredible.” he slumps down into the seat on the opposite side of the bed to Sawada and gives out a breathy sigh.
“You were in love with her.” Sawada replies quietly, his voice heavy.
Asou nods, and he can feel the tears coming but he just lets them fall “She was everything to me.” he says, trying to keep his voice low despite the thickness of it “Everything I am now...I strived to be because of her, because I wanted to help her. I wanted to be able to save her.”
“If she could see you know, I know she would be very proud of you...” He can't help smile a little at that, though the tears that accompany it run faster and thicker than before, Aya always did see the best in other people. “The work you are doing now...someday it's going to mean the world to someone. Someday, there'll be a girl just like Aya-chan, just like Erika-chan, and she'll get better, because of something you've done.”
“Yeah...” he nods, though there's no conviction in his voice, right now he can't think that far ahead, right now his mind is stuck entirely in the past, on how much he misses her smile and how he longs to hear her voice. He glances back down to the book in his hands, and it sinks in that it's her, those are Aya's words, words she wrote herself and left behind so that world can remember her admirable fight. He flicks the book open, but he can't read more than a few words, before he has to close it again, it's too much for him right now.
He places the book on Erika's bedside table instead, before turning back to Sawada whose eyes are boring into his again. “I understand how you feel. How empty everything feels when you realise that no matter what you do from here on out, there are people behind you that you will never be able to help, even if they are the ones you're doing everything for. But you have to live on, that's all those people would have wanted...that's what Aya-chan would want for you...”
There's something deep in Sawada's eyes, something almost wise, but it's not the right time to ask about Sawada's past, he'll let Asou in when he's ready. And somehow it really feels like that, like Sawada understands him, and is opening up to him, like it's a matter of when rather than if.
He nods, tries for a small smile “You're right.”
~~~
Things feel different after that, better. He doesn't know if it's talking about Aya that has taken the weight off of his chest, or if it's talking to Sawada. Asou kind of expects that it's the latter, since the last time he spoke about her to someone, he didn't feel this way about it.
It's strange, like a flutter in his chest when their eyes meet and he feels that mutual connection between them. They've always kind of had that, ever since that night Sawada caught him staring at his picture, he's always felt like there was some common factor linking them, but now he knows for sure that there is.
Now it feels different, stronger, like they're connected by some kind of thread that keeps winding tighter, pulling them closer, and his stomach always give strange flips when he thinks about just how close it could draw them.
~~~
The next time his phone goes off at some ungodly hour of the night it is an emergency. He throws on his clothes again in record speed and rushes to the hospital.
It's late and there aren't many people around but the few doctors he does see are rushing around madly, unable to stop and answer his questions, and so the only words he catch are 'Erika', 'fall', 'accident' and 'surgery'.
He follows them to the theatre where he finds Erika's parents huddled together, her mother sobbing desperately. Part of him wants to go over and find out what happened, but he knows that would be really inconsiderate of him, he just wants to know, he wants to know what he can do to help.
He stares around, looking for something to occupy himself with, but he's not even looking properly, he's too worried to take note of anything really, everything feels fuzzy, and like it's not really happening. But then there are arms around him, pulling him in, and they feel real, comforting even, so he concentrates on that.
He leans his head down onto the chest in front of him, and the arms fold in closer, and there's a gentle whisper into his hair that makes him feel safe despite the words uttered “She fell down some concrete steps while she was out with friends, there's a lot of internal bleeding...it doesn't look good.”
His brain can't process anything but the feel of the heat against him, the warmth radiating from Sawada, but his body seems to be awake and his knees give out at the news.
Sawada's grip just tightens around him, holding him up as he leads them towards some seats, helping Asou to sit down, and then the heat is gone.
Sawada returns just few moments later, a cup of cold water in his hands and he holds it to Asou's lips when he makes no move to take it. “I know it's a lot to take in...but you have to be strong, for her parents' sake at least...”
His brain hadn't even been trying to take it in, he was still stuck on how nice it felt to be held and what that was even supposed to mean, but at Sawada's mention of parents, he glances over to them, still cuddled tightly together.
He snaps out of it, he has to, he's her primary doctor.
He takes the plastic cup finally, taking a few small sips as his eyes begin to focus again, and then he finds Sawada's concerned expression and smiles a little sheepishly. “Thank you.”
Sawada just shakes his head and moves to sit on the seat beside him. Then as Asou lets his free hand fall to his lap, Sawada reaches out for it tentatively, taking it in his own and holding tightly. They exchange small smiles, and then Sawada pulls their hands down to the seat between them, hiding them from view, and together they wait that way until the surgery light goes out.
~~~
“You shouldn't have come in today.” Sawada says quietly from the doorway to his office, but Asou just grits his teeth, refusing to give in to that gentle tone.
“Sitting at home would just be wasting time for the rest of them...”
“It was an accident...there was nothing you could have done...”
He turns sharply, that hot feeling sneaking up under his skin again “It's an accident she never would have had if I'd been working harder with her physiotherapy...”
“You were doing everything you needed too...you were doing everything you could...” Sawada responds just as insistently.
He opens his mouth to snap back, but what can he say? How can he possibly convey the guilty and disappointment that's tearing him apart inside. He feels the heat behind his eyes again and his throat feels too thick. It's like he's choking on his own failures.
He turns away to hide his tears, but the anger is still there and eventually it boils up. He lashes out, hitting his desk with both fists as he shouts “It wasn't enough! Not enough to help her...not enough to save her!”
“The diseases we're fighting are a long way from being cured, we may never even see it in our lifetimes.” Sawada replies, but his voice sounds too controlled.
“Then what's the point? How can we save any of them?”
“We can help them...” Sawada says almost desperately.
“But we can't save them!” he shouts back, his chest heaving with choked sobs.
There's silence for a moment and then Sawada's hand is on his arm, gentle but firm as he pulls him round to face him. Sawada's face looks torn with pain, his deep, dark eyes swimming as they flit back and forth from one of Asou's eyes to the other. “Maybe we're not meant too...maybe we're meant to save each other.”
It takes a moment for Sawada's words to sink in, a few moments more for Asou to figure out what they mean, but when he looks up to respond Sawada is already closing in. Asou's eyelids flutter closed at the first press of soft lips against his and his hands are already reaching out to pull the other man closer by the second.
Sawada pulls back just enough to whisper against his lips “I know you're broken inside...I am too. But when I'm around you everything feels different, you make me remember why I'm doing this...what I'm living for...you make me want to do it all, for you.”
It's like his own feelings are being spoken back to him, only he hadn't realised it until now. His eyes flicker up to Sawada and all he can see is desperation. It's Asou that closes the gap for the next kiss, and the one after, and the one after that.
----------------------------------------------------------
I'm sorry this took so damn long to write >_< But now that it's finally here, I hope it was ok. It's very much an angst-fest, and really more Asou-centric than anything. But I hope it's ok. I'm considering doing a third part to this, just because I find these two interesting and want to know myself how things would be a little later down the line, but I have a few other things I'm working on right now so it could be a while away.
Pairing: Asou Haruto (1 Litre of Tears)/Sawada Shin (Gokusen)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3707
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything, the characters are both from dramas so all rights relating to the characters belong to the respective creators.
Summary: A new hospital, a new start, that's all he needs, or so he keeps telling himself.
Warnings: Pretty angsty. This takes place after the events of the '1 Litre of Tears' SP, so naturally there will be references/spoilers for the drama, and also some angsty/upsetting themes.
A/N: Written for lilly0 for the Fund-Raising Project for the Habagat Victims.
Part 1
At first he tries to convince himself that it's purely reconnaissance, that he's only seeking out Sawada's company in order to satisfy his own curiosity about how exactly people perceive them to be similar. But as the weeks pass he starts to worry himself that maybe that isn't really it at all.
It's that he likes being around Sawada. They don't really talk much, and the conversations they do have are all about patients, and are often more disagreements, but there's just something about Sawada's presence that makes him feel...something other than alone.
He's not good with people, he's always known it, he's polite and it's easy for him to make acquaintances, but somehow, he's just not really interested in other people, not really, and the few people he has taken the time to get to know are not exactly on the ordinary side.
Sawada is never surrounded by people either but he has that air of it being his choice too. Asou has heard him in conversation with other people and he's a perfectly nice person it seems, but he just seems to prefer being alone. With a smile to himself he wonders if that's what people mean about them being similar, they're anti-social.
He wonders if that's maybe why he likes being around Sawada so much, if it reassures him to know he's not the only one like that, or if he just likes to know that there is at least one other person in the world as lonely as he is, as cut off.
~~~
He voices his thoughts to Sawada at one point.
“Why don't you ever spend your breaks in the staff room? You're allowed in there as a volunteer aren't you?”
Sawada gives him a guarded look “I don't think you have any right to judge me for it...”
“I wasn't, I wasn't trying to judge you, I was just curious.” he insists, trying to ignore the way Sawada's glare is hardening.
“I just like it out here” he replies and he gets up from the bench they're sitting on and wanders to the edge of the rooftop.
It goes against everything his instinct tells him, but Asou gets up too and follows him over to the railing. “Do you ever feel lonely?” but Sawada just turns to look at him, half amused and half incredulous. He knows he should just stop, he should laugh and turn around and walk away, but there's something about Sawada that keeps him rooted to the spot. It's something in his eyes he thinks, the way they're so defensive and impenetrable, and he feels a kind of desperate urge to get inside them, to know what Sawada is really feeling.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his business card, presenting it to Sawada. “It has my personal number on...if you ever want to go out or something, just call me...or text or whatever ok?”
~~~
Sawada doesn't call. It was what he'd expected, but he still feels a bitter pang every time he looks at his silent phone all the same.
He's not even sure what he would do if Sawada did call, he couldn't exactly invite him out somewhere since, despite being in this town for long enough already, he hasn't really been anywhere and he doesn't know where they would go.
He could invite Sawada over to his place he supposes, but then what would they do, he doesn't know anything about Sawada either, what movies he likes, what food.
“You look deep in thought” a dry voice issues from behind him.
He quickly answers with the second most frequent of his thoughts “Ah, just re-thinking Erika-chan's rehab programme, her balance is getting less co-ordinated.”
Sawada nods “I'd noticed too, she's trying very hard to hide it though.”. It's true, and Asou is almost surprised that anybody else had noticed, but of course Sawada would, he spends so much time interacting with all of the patients it's only natural. He's about to comment something to that effect when Sawada turns to him, a sincere expression on his face “I really respect you as a doctor Asou-sensei. You pay very close attention to you patients...and that's important, sometimes it's even more important than the medicine you give them”
There's an almost wistful look on Sawada's face and Asou can tell he's thinking of something particular, someone maybe, and for a moment he wants to ask but he doesn't need too. He thinks of Aya, how even in the end what had given her courage was writing, and having people read it, that was the best medicine anyone could give her.
He's almost startled at how easy he finds it now to think her name. For years after her death he could barely think of her without feeling like he's drowning. But in this place, with this man beside him, somehow he feels stronger, like maybe he's getting better too.
~~~
“I'll be here all day today, so at lunchtime let's go out for some coffee or something ok?”
“Sure” he answers immediately, worried that if he leaves it too long the illusion will fade, but sure enough that's Sawada's head poking around the door of his office, a rare, genuine smile on his face.
There are more of those smiles when they meet for lunch and walk around the corner to the closest coffee shop.
“Did something happen? You seem unusually cheery today.” He asks, and he can't stop his own smile from forming at Sawada's sheepish grin.
“It's not big deal really” Sawada shrugs, but the unfamiliar light in his eyes say different “I just passed some exams is all...”
“Really?” he asks, though he's not really surprised, he knows Sawada is bright. “That's great. Congratulations!”
Sawada shakes it off, but the smile he's trying to hide gives him away a little “I still have a long way to go...”
Asou nods, but he's smiling again anyway “You'll get there. Hey, let's celebrate ok? I'll treat you to lunch wherever you want to go.”
“Don't be silly, you don't need to do that” Sawada insists.
“I know...but I want to” he replies, and it's the truth. His palms feel a little sweaty and his heart is beating just a little too quickly, and he really, really wants to see Sawada smile that way again.”
~~~
It becomes something of a ritual. Sawada works full days every Saturday and they always meet for lunch. Most of the time Asou gets to pay too, jokingly insisting that he's older, and so far there's no proof to deny that he's smarter, and not to mention he's actually earning a decent salary.
Some days they barely talk, and at times they still argue, but more often as time goes by, Asou starts to see a different side to Sawada. A side that shows he's caring and loyal.
Sawada talks a lot about his school, he was something of a trouble-maker it seems, and Asou loves to see the way his face lights up talking about this one crazy teacher he had, and all the trouble he and his class mates caused her.
Asou laughs along as he talks, declining to mention anything of his own high-school life, or the girl that it had revolved around back then.
Sawada seems reluctant to mention a few things too, he doesn't like to talk much about his time in Africa, he'll bring it up sometimes but Asou gets the feeling he has a lot of regret built up there. And he never talks about the time between Africa and here.
Asou wants to ask, his mind goes almost crazy wondering, but the thought of how he'd react if Sawada asked about Aya keeps his mouth sealed. It takes a few weeks but eventually the topic comes up.
“Do you know Ikeuchi Aya?” Sawada asks him one lunchtime, prompting him to spit miso soup across the table. Sawada looks a little confused at the reaction but he doesn't comment, continuing with his previous topic “She suffered from the same disease as some of your patients...and she wrote these really inspiring diaries...but when I looked up more about her, I found that she was at the hospital you used to work at.” Asou is just staring now, his palms a little sweaty again, only not in a good way this time. “I know you didn't start work there until after she died, but I thought you might have heard of her?”
He nods, it's as much as he can manage. “Yeah...”
“I was thinking of getting a few copies of her diaries for the hospital...I think the patients might find them inspiring...” he continues.
Asou can feel his face heating up too, and his scalp feels a little moist. He takes a sip of his juice with a shaky hand and then inhales deeply before looking up to face Sawada. “Yeah, maybe...”
Sawada's face turns to a slight pout “That's not really the reaction I was expecting...If you know of her you must know how much help it would be...”
“I know” Asou cuts him off, a little too loudly. And he does, he remembers the day he saw her again, after so long, after she broke up with him. He read the letter to her himself, a young girl saying how much Aya's diaries had helped her with her own condition. It's just a little too much, the sudden reminder after managing to go so long without thinking of her.
“Are you ok?” Sawada asks, his voice still a little confused, and then he reaches out to touch Asou's hand making the latter jump.
He glances up into Sawada's eyes and the compassion he finds there tells him that somehow Sawada knows, that he understands the storm fighting it's way inside him, and tears well up in his eyes.
“I can't...I'm sorry I can't” he says, getting up from the table and rushing from the restaurant before his tears have time to betray him.
~~~
He's just drifting off to sleep when his phone beside him beeps. Reluctantly he picks it up from the bedside table and reads the notification, one new text, number unknown. He opens it, and his heart freezes at the first two words 'It's Sawada.'
It's been weeks since they've spoken, though that's not exactly Sawada's fault. Asou has been avoiding him, or rather avoiding being alone with him. Ever since the day at the cafe when Sawada said her name, Asou has felt raw. Sawada knew, he must have figured it out from Asou's reaction, and now he knows, and Asou feels like he's been cut open and spread on display whenever they're alone together.
It's not like he expects Sawada to tease him or anything, or even to bring her up again, the look in his eyes had said he understood, and he wouldn't try and make anything more painful...but it's still terrifying. It's the first time since Aya died that he's let anyone get so close, and that thought is what terrifies him.
There's more to the text, and the words he reads next start his heart up again, twice as fast as it should be 'It's not an emergency but I thought you would want to know. Erika-chan tripped at school and broke her wrist, she's at the hospital.'
It's not an emergency, that kind of thing is expected in his patients, but that is little comfort, it means the disease is getting worse. It means he's not helping her enough.
He gets out of bed and throws on some clothes, before rushing down to the hospital. He finds her room quickly and heads up, but as he slides the door open quietly on the dark room, he finds he's not alone.
“You didn't have to come” Sawada whispers from the shadows beside Erika's bed. “I just didn't want you to feel like you were being left out of the loop.”
“I appreciate it, but I wanted to come...” he replies, moving in and towards the small desklamp that illuminates the area immediately around Erika's bed.
“She's asleep. Finally” Sawada says a little bitterly. “She was quite distressed, but we managed to calm her down...” and he glances towards the bed, or rather the book laying atop it almost guiltily.
Sawada reaches out a hand to pick up the book but Asou stops him, reaching for the book first, and it's exactly what he suspects it is. Aya's diary.
“One litre of tears” he almost whispers, his fingers tracing over the letters, and then down to her name. “If she cried a litre, then those of us around her must have each cried five.” He tries to smile, but the lump in his throat won't let him, instead he glances up to Sawada's face, finding it contorted with compassion and pity. “I've never known anyone else as strong as her, or as stubborn, or pig-headed...or as incredible.” he slumps down into the seat on the opposite side of the bed to Sawada and gives out a breathy sigh.
“You were in love with her.” Sawada replies quietly, his voice heavy.
Asou nods, and he can feel the tears coming but he just lets them fall “She was everything to me.” he says, trying to keep his voice low despite the thickness of it “Everything I am now...I strived to be because of her, because I wanted to help her. I wanted to be able to save her.”
“If she could see you know, I know she would be very proud of you...” He can't help smile a little at that, though the tears that accompany it run faster and thicker than before, Aya always did see the best in other people. “The work you are doing now...someday it's going to mean the world to someone. Someday, there'll be a girl just like Aya-chan, just like Erika-chan, and she'll get better, because of something you've done.”
“Yeah...” he nods, though there's no conviction in his voice, right now he can't think that far ahead, right now his mind is stuck entirely in the past, on how much he misses her smile and how he longs to hear her voice. He glances back down to the book in his hands, and it sinks in that it's her, those are Aya's words, words she wrote herself and left behind so that world can remember her admirable fight. He flicks the book open, but he can't read more than a few words, before he has to close it again, it's too much for him right now.
He places the book on Erika's bedside table instead, before turning back to Sawada whose eyes are boring into his again. “I understand how you feel. How empty everything feels when you realise that no matter what you do from here on out, there are people behind you that you will never be able to help, even if they are the ones you're doing everything for. But you have to live on, that's all those people would have wanted...that's what Aya-chan would want for you...”
There's something deep in Sawada's eyes, something almost wise, but it's not the right time to ask about Sawada's past, he'll let Asou in when he's ready. And somehow it really feels like that, like Sawada understands him, and is opening up to him, like it's a matter of when rather than if.
He nods, tries for a small smile “You're right.”
~~~
Things feel different after that, better. He doesn't know if it's talking about Aya that has taken the weight off of his chest, or if it's talking to Sawada. Asou kind of expects that it's the latter, since the last time he spoke about her to someone, he didn't feel this way about it.
It's strange, like a flutter in his chest when their eyes meet and he feels that mutual connection between them. They've always kind of had that, ever since that night Sawada caught him staring at his picture, he's always felt like there was some common factor linking them, but now he knows for sure that there is.
Now it feels different, stronger, like they're connected by some kind of thread that keeps winding tighter, pulling them closer, and his stomach always give strange flips when he thinks about just how close it could draw them.
~~~
The next time his phone goes off at some ungodly hour of the night it is an emergency. He throws on his clothes again in record speed and rushes to the hospital.
It's late and there aren't many people around but the few doctors he does see are rushing around madly, unable to stop and answer his questions, and so the only words he catch are 'Erika', 'fall', 'accident' and 'surgery'.
He follows them to the theatre where he finds Erika's parents huddled together, her mother sobbing desperately. Part of him wants to go over and find out what happened, but he knows that would be really inconsiderate of him, he just wants to know, he wants to know what he can do to help.
He stares around, looking for something to occupy himself with, but he's not even looking properly, he's too worried to take note of anything really, everything feels fuzzy, and like it's not really happening. But then there are arms around him, pulling him in, and they feel real, comforting even, so he concentrates on that.
He leans his head down onto the chest in front of him, and the arms fold in closer, and there's a gentle whisper into his hair that makes him feel safe despite the words uttered “She fell down some concrete steps while she was out with friends, there's a lot of internal bleeding...it doesn't look good.”
His brain can't process anything but the feel of the heat against him, the warmth radiating from Sawada, but his body seems to be awake and his knees give out at the news.
Sawada's grip just tightens around him, holding him up as he leads them towards some seats, helping Asou to sit down, and then the heat is gone.
Sawada returns just few moments later, a cup of cold water in his hands and he holds it to Asou's lips when he makes no move to take it. “I know it's a lot to take in...but you have to be strong, for her parents' sake at least...”
His brain hadn't even been trying to take it in, he was still stuck on how nice it felt to be held and what that was even supposed to mean, but at Sawada's mention of parents, he glances over to them, still cuddled tightly together.
He snaps out of it, he has to, he's her primary doctor.
He takes the plastic cup finally, taking a few small sips as his eyes begin to focus again, and then he finds Sawada's concerned expression and smiles a little sheepishly. “Thank you.”
Sawada just shakes his head and moves to sit on the seat beside him. Then as Asou lets his free hand fall to his lap, Sawada reaches out for it tentatively, taking it in his own and holding tightly. They exchange small smiles, and then Sawada pulls their hands down to the seat between them, hiding them from view, and together they wait that way until the surgery light goes out.
~~~
“You shouldn't have come in today.” Sawada says quietly from the doorway to his office, but Asou just grits his teeth, refusing to give in to that gentle tone.
“Sitting at home would just be wasting time for the rest of them...”
“It was an accident...there was nothing you could have done...”
He turns sharply, that hot feeling sneaking up under his skin again “It's an accident she never would have had if I'd been working harder with her physiotherapy...”
“You were doing everything you needed too...you were doing everything you could...” Sawada responds just as insistently.
He opens his mouth to snap back, but what can he say? How can he possibly convey the guilty and disappointment that's tearing him apart inside. He feels the heat behind his eyes again and his throat feels too thick. It's like he's choking on his own failures.
He turns away to hide his tears, but the anger is still there and eventually it boils up. He lashes out, hitting his desk with both fists as he shouts “It wasn't enough! Not enough to help her...not enough to save her!”
“The diseases we're fighting are a long way from being cured, we may never even see it in our lifetimes.” Sawada replies, but his voice sounds too controlled.
“Then what's the point? How can we save any of them?”
“We can help them...” Sawada says almost desperately.
“But we can't save them!” he shouts back, his chest heaving with choked sobs.
There's silence for a moment and then Sawada's hand is on his arm, gentle but firm as he pulls him round to face him. Sawada's face looks torn with pain, his deep, dark eyes swimming as they flit back and forth from one of Asou's eyes to the other. “Maybe we're not meant too...maybe we're meant to save each other.”
It takes a moment for Sawada's words to sink in, a few moments more for Asou to figure out what they mean, but when he looks up to respond Sawada is already closing in. Asou's eyelids flutter closed at the first press of soft lips against his and his hands are already reaching out to pull the other man closer by the second.
Sawada pulls back just enough to whisper against his lips “I know you're broken inside...I am too. But when I'm around you everything feels different, you make me remember why I'm doing this...what I'm living for...you make me want to do it all, for you.”
It's like his own feelings are being spoken back to him, only he hadn't realised it until now. His eyes flicker up to Sawada and all he can see is desperation. It's Asou that closes the gap for the next kiss, and the one after, and the one after that.
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I'm sorry this took so damn long to write >_< But now that it's finally here, I hope it was ok. It's very much an angst-fest, and really more Asou-centric than anything. But I hope it's ok. I'm considering doing a third part to this, just because I find these two interesting and want to know myself how things would be a little later down the line, but I have a few other things I'm working on right now so it could be a while away.