[multi-part] KINCI Kid: Part 1
Title: KINCI Kid: Part 1
Pairing: YasuixTaiga, YasuixFujigaya, YasuixNikaido, KitayamaxFujigaya
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: God yes, everything. Violence, rape, death, mental problems, incest, all kinds of other messed up things, nonsense
Summary: There's something very strange about the new patient at The Kamenashi Institute for Neurologically Compromised Inpatients.
Notes: When I started writing this I envisioned some grand, thought-provoking masterpiece...what I've ended up with is 11,000 words of brutally violent nonsense. Written for stormy1990 for the je-united exchange - part 1, part 2
“New patient checked in today.” Ueda informs Yasui as he steps into the break room and shrugs off his bag and coat. He gives a mildly interested nod of acknowledgement as he pulls out his uniform and starts stripping. “I think you'll be pretty interested in him.” Yasui pauses halfway through stepping into his navy uniform pants to fix an unimpressed glare on Ueda who just rolls his eyes and stubs out his cigarette. “Yeah he's a good looking kid but I didn't mean like that...he's a weird one.”
“Solitary?” Yasui asks, gaining a little more interest, it's the code word for dangerous at KINCI - The Kamenashi Institute for Neurologically Compromised Inpatients.
“Kamenashi-san thinks he should be, there's something unsettling about him but he's showing no signs of violent tendencies, heck he's showing little sign of anything but a lobotomy.” Ueda answers and that hardly perks Yasui's interest. They have patients like that, usually ones with some form of extensive brain tissue damage, that are practically vegetables. They're hard work to take care of, they have to be coaxed through the simplest of daily tasks, brushing their teeth, eating, going to the bathroom. It's hard work but boring.
Yasui is more interested in the ones with psychological problems. It only makes sense, his major was in psychology after all and that's where he'd hoped to end up at KINCI, giving therapy sessions or even doing research. Instead he's little more than floor staff, a carer.
He finishes changing and clocks in bang on seven, right on time for the earlier of the graveyard shifts. The graveyard shifts are the least popular shifts because of the hours, both the time and the fact they run twelve hours rather than the usual nine. They're good money though, and they're not as physically taxing. Yasui likes them because he has time to look through the medical records...test his knowledge against the diagnosis, consider how he might change the treatments if he had any such authority.
Yasui notices the new patient the moment he steps onto the main ward, he's standing frozen in the middle of the corridor, dark eyes considering Yasui as he moves closer. Good looking is an understatement. The new patient is stunning, or would be if not for the lank dullness of his almost silver blonde hair, the sallow skin stretched tight over the bones in his face and the deep purple beneath his eyes. He's wearing a hospital issue gown rather than the standard KINCI leisurewear and his feet are bare.
“Hello.” Yasui says kindly as he approaches. “My name is Yasui Kentaro, I'll be taking care of you here. I'm sorry I haven't been told your name yet...”
The new patient's eyes seem to look over every inch of him before fixing themselves on Yasui's eyes, boring into him. It feels like the young man is looking inside him. With a small tilt of the head, the patient turns and walks away leaving Yasui shuddering.
“He's mute.” Ueda says, back in his street clothes and heading for the door. “I left his file on the desk for you.”
There are rounds to do once Yasui has gone through the days hand-overs with the Senga, the carer in with him until Kitayama starts the late graveyard shift at ten, and then there's particular patients that need to be checked on. The 'vegetable' residents need to be bathed and changed for bed and then the lights out checks start at nine. The new patient is in a shared room, two of it's occupants are just temporary, dementia patients that will be transferred out the next day to a specialised facility, and then there's Nikaido.
“This is Taiga.” Nikaido tells Yasui. “He's staying with me for a while.”
Yasui nods and smiles. “Are you going to help him settle in?” Nikaido, who would be Yasui's favourite patient if it were morally acceptable to pick favourites, is a lovely young man of twenty six. He was in the year above Yasui at school and beat him up twelve times over the course of their matriculation before going on to lead the most notorious violent gang in the whole of the Tokyo area. Five years ago a motorcycle accident left Nikaido with no memory of his former self, and a difficulty retaining new memories, but with the ongoing help of the psychology department he's making some progress with the latter.
Nobody is helping Nikaido with the former. The new Nikaido is docile and enthusiastic about life, he's always smiling and ready to reach out a hand the help the other patients, even if half the time he can't remember who they are, and that's why new patients are often placed with Nikaido, he helps them settle in.
“He's my friend.” Nikaido tells Yasui. “But he's a bit shy.”
Sure enough the new patient, Yasui doesn't have enough trust in Nikaido's memory to be certain his name is Taiga, is sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. He's staring at one of the dementia patients with a curious expression while the old man sits on the end of his bed, rocking and muttering “I told you, it's not there any more, I don't know where it's gone” over and over.
“Yamaguchi-san?” Yasui asks gently while walking over to him. “Is everything alright?”
After four years here, Yasui is used to the nonsensical mutterings of dementia patients, but it takes him completely by surprise when Yamaguchi suddenly points at the new patient and shouts. “Tell him he can't have it, I don't know where it is!”
Yasui turns to the corner, the new patient is still staring at Yamaguchi only now it's with greater intrigue. Ueda was wrong about him, he doesn't have the zombie-like mannerisms of a lobotomised patient at all, there's something there under the quiet, something very much lucid and strangely disturbing. Yasui is very interested in him.
Not all of the patients at KINCI are there for memory trouble, and they're not all what people would consider crazy. Every one of them has some kind of neurological problem but there's a whole wing of residents whose observed symptoms are behavioural.
They have patients struggling so badly with obsessions or compulsions or fears that they can't live normally, at least until they've undergone lengthy psychological treatments, in the outside world. Most of them live communally, but just as with the other wings there are a number of solitary patients.
Fuma's problem is aggression, brought on by the traumatic incident of seeing his secret lover being beaten to death for his sexuality. Fuma was in too much shock to react at the time, and as the gang members didn't know about the nature of his and Kento's relationship, Fuma was spared, only to snap at the police station and injure thirteen officers in his fit of blind rage. He's doing a lot better, he now recognises the warning signs of violent episode, but it's safer to have him in solitary confinement than risk him not being able to stop it.
Taisuke is an addict. He's undergoing hormone correction to fix the imbalance that has him addicted to sex. The progress so far is negligible and Taisuke's self-restraint even less than that, so after his fourth arrest on suspicion of rape, Taisuke has been admitted to KINCI until some bigger improvements in his behaviour are seen. In Yasui's opinion, being at KINCI isn't any better for Taisuke, he knows he's not the only carer that has given in to Taisuke's seduction.
When he finally gets chance to sit down at the carer's station, once all the patients are tucked in for the night and Kitayama is starting the first of the hourly rounds, Yasui finds the new patient's file as Ueda promised.
Sure enough the file says Taiga at the top of it, but before it, in brackets is the word 'unknown'. As Yasui reads down he discovers that the young man had been found wandering alone in the woods wearing only a raincoat, one that was far too small to be his and that had the name Taiga stitched onto the label.
The young man hasn't spoken a word to anyone since he was found, and there's no record of him through searching his fingerprints or DNA. His description doesn't match any missing persons report in the area and despite an appeal on national television for information about him, the authorities are still no closer to finding out who he is.
He'd been kept at a hospital for three weeks while all manner of tests were carried out, but aside from elevated brain activity, his inability or unwillingness to speak and the way he panics if anybody tries to touch him, there appears to be nothing wrong with him.
With nothing left to do at the hospital, he'd been transferred to KINCI to look into possible psychological problems until more information came to light. Yasui's never seen a case quite like this one before, but he doesn't need to have done to know that Taiga will likely end up a permanent resident. That thought makes him shudder again, he's interested in Taiga's case, very interested, but that doesn't mean he isn't creeped out. There's definitely something not right with him, with the way he'd seemed to reach inside Yasui with his eyes, with the way Yamaguchi-san reacted to him.
Kitayama comes back from his rounds and brings with him a cup of coffee for Yasui. Yasui had been too absorbed in Taiga's file to notice he was late back, the night time checks should only take twenty minutes but he's been gone almost forty, and Kitayama offers him a sheepish smile as he hands Yasui the cup. His hair is a little messy and his cheeks are flushed, Taisuke's is the last room on the route.
He doesn't mention it, just thanks him for the coffee and goes back to Taiga's file. They take the checks in turn, one every hour, so he has twenty minutes left until his round. The round takes twenty minutes, forty minutes from now he'll get to Taisuke's room, Taisuke will be ready to go again by then for sure.
The thought takes him by surprise because he never pre-meditates this kind of thing, would never, because it's immoral and unethical and just downright horrible and if he's caved in the past it's only been because of Taisuke's desperate and talented attempts at seducing him.
He looks around, almost sure that Kitayama will be glaring at him, knowing what he was thinking, but Kitayama's eyes are on the computer screen in front of him. There are eyes on him though, he almost jumps out of his skin when he looks back out at the ward and there, from the window in the door of Nikaido's room's, Taiga is watching him.
Kitayama sees him jump and follows his line of sight. “What's with that guy? There's something pretty scary about every one of them in a way, you know? But that one's different...”
Yasui doesn't answer, he swallows hard and gets up from his seat. He shouldn't be scared, he's been dealing with mentally disturbed and damaged people for years, he knows what to do if they get violent, he knows how to handle it if they're hysterical. He has no reason to be scared but Taiga just keeps on looking at him with those cavernous black eyes until Yasui is right beside the door.
“Is something wrong?” Yasui asks, his voice only cracking a little.
Taiga blinks slowly and turns from the door, Yasui tries hard to look in through the window but he can't see anything in the darkness, he strains his ears, and then jumps back a mile as another face appears at the window.
“Yasui-kun?” Nikaido asks, and his eyebrows are furrowed in worry. “This man isn't very well...”
Yasui is still too startled to react at first but then he hears it, quiet sobbing and moaning. Yasui nods. He has the keys right there and this isn't even a solitary room, these people aren't deemed dangerous. He fidgets with the keys for a moment and then shouts “Kitayama? Back up please.”
When Kitayama is beside him, Yasui unlocks the door and switches on the light. Yamaguchi is pacing in a tight circle in the corner of the room. “Stop it, get out, it's not there.” he's muttering, crying.
“Yamaguchi-san?” Yasui asks, walking over and placing a hand on Yamaguchi's arm. “It's OK, there's nothing to be worried about...go back to bed.”
“I can't, I can't.” he says shaking his head and then he turns to look at Yasui, looks over his shoulder. “He won't let me sleep.” A cold dread fills Yasui as he somehow knows who Yamaguchi is referring to.
“We can get you something to help you sleep...” Kitayama offers gently from over Yasui's other shoulder.
“I don't want to stay here.” Yamaguchi answers, ignoring Kitayama, he shakes his head faster and faster and faster and then shouts. “Get out! I have to get out!” he bolts for the door but Kitayama is ready, he catches Yamaguchi and between the two of them they manage to tackle the thrashing man to the floor and hold him.
“I've got him.” Kitayama says almost breathlessly, Yamaguchi is a tall man, a strong one and Kitayama and Yasui both are rather smaller in stature. “I've got him, get a sedative.”
Yasui bolts for the carer's station, and scans his card across the security card reader on the medication cabinet, then he types in the pass-code. He selects the general sedative, it's a fairly weak one to account for different body weights but it should be strong enough to pacify Yamaguchi until they can move him safely.
He runs back to the room where Kitayama is still struggling to hold him down while Nikaido and the other dementia patient look on in horror, Taiga watches in that same intrigue he'd been watching Yamaguchi with earlier. Yasui drops to his knees by Yamaguchi's head and positions the sedative.
“No!” Yamaguchi shouts. “I'm not crazy, it's him. He's in my head, he wants to know what I'm afraid of but it isn't there any more.” Yasui falters for just a moment as he looks over at Taiga, he looks creepy as always, but not menacing, he looks both curious and oblivious. “I can hear him in my head.” Yamaguchi cries and Yasui jabs him with the sedative.
Between them they heave the more placid Yamaguchi along the corridor to a solitary room. He's not a danger exactly but he's clearly not comfortable in that room and he's disturbing the other patients. Afterwards they head back to Nikaido's room where they usher the other patients back into bed.
“That man was very upset.” Nikaido tells Yasui, clearly shaken. “He was mean to the one with white hair.”
“Yes, he was very upset, but he'll be alright, we'll look after him. What did he do to Taiga?” He points over at Taiga who is sitting on his bed with his knees tucked up to his chest. “You remember Taiga.”
“That man was very angry at him, but he didn't do anything wrong.” Nikaido tells him, complying as Yasui urges him down into his bed and pulls up the covers. Sometimes Nikaido's memory loss makes him very scared and childlike, it's must be difficult, Yasui muses, to not remember, to not understand things. He gently brushes Nikaido's fringe away from his eyes and smiles, Nikaido smiles back and lets his eyes flutter closed.
“It's OK, I'll make sure Taiga is OK.” Nikaido nods so Yasui heads over to Taiga's bed. Taiga watches him walk over but doesn't react. “Are you OK?” Taiga just looks at him. “I don't know what Yamaguchi-san said to you” he points at Yamaguchi's vacated bed. “But don't listen to it, he's very unwell and he doesn't know what he's saying, do you understand?” Taiga just continues to stare. “Lay down, try to get some sleep.” It almost surprises him when Taiga lays down, he wasn't sure if Taiga understood a word he was saying, but then when he reaches out to pull up the covers, the first real emotion Yasui has seen from him, fear, twists Taiga's features and he shuffles away from Yasui's touch.
The medical file did say he didn't like to be touched. Yasui smiles softly and gives a quiet apology, and then turns to follow Kitayama out of the room, locking the door behind him.
“Well, at least it's been an interesting night.” Kitayama says with raised eyebrows. “Did you see the way he was looking at that new kid?”
“He's not all there.” Yasui says a little defensively. “He said he heard voices in his head...that screams all kinds of not good to me.”
Kitayama nods in agreement. “Yeah, I guess you're right, hey, it's time for your round, you go, I'll write this thing up in the log book.”
It's weekend after that and weekends at KINCI are run by a separate team of staff so Yasui has two whole days off, one technically since shift patterns run in one week rotas and he's switching back around to days for a few weeks. The thoughts of Taiga and his mysterious arrival don't leave him entirely though and he spends most of his full day off looking through newspaper reports, then through missing persons spreading outside of the Tokyo area. Still, by the time he goes back to work on Monday, he has no better idea about where Taiga could have come from than the medical file does.
“Eventful weekend?” Yasui asks Ueda who is on the early shift, it's his duty to go through the weekend logs with the carer from Sunday night's late graveyard shift.
“Not really.” Ueda answers, “Fukazawa and Iwamoto had a pretty big fight but it all turned out fine. Fukka thought Iwamoto was cheating at snap and Iwamoto got all het up about being called a liar. Oh, actually though, Tamamori said Nika-chan's been acting kind of strangely.”
He's not allowed to pick favourites, but Nikaido is a favourite, so he hurries his step along to Nikaido's room to see what the matter is. “Yasui-kun” Nikaido says with a smile when Yasui enters. It's hard to say why Nikaido remembers his name when he usually forgets other people's, Dr. Yokoo thinks it's maybe because he knew it before the accident but Yasui isn't so sure.
“Hey, how are you doing? I heard you weren't feeling well?” Yasui says softly.
“I'm OK.” Nikaido tells him, but there's something sad in his voice.
The communal patients have free reign of the ward through the day and it's not like Nikaido to be sitting here in his room alone. “Why aren't you out with the others...”
Nikaido shakes his head sadly. “I don't want to be with them. I'm not a very nice person.”
That's definitely not like Nikaido. “What makes you think you're not a nice person?”
Nikaido shakes his head. “Dreams...I think...maybe...I don't know, I feel like I'm not a nice person.”
“Well you are a nice person. Everybody likes you, that's why we put new patients in your room because you make people feel better.” Yasui tells him and something changes in his expression but only slightly, and Yasui isn't sure that it's a happy change. “I have to go and do my rounds, but if you want to talk to me I'll be back soon, and Dr. Yokoo will like to hear about this in your meeting later, he'll be able to make you feel better.”
Nikaido nods and Yasui reluctantly leaves. Sometimes patients have bad days, all of them do, they come out of it. Nikaido will likely get distracted by something and completely forget that he was ever in a sad mood, but it's still painful for Yasui to see.
By the next day, Nikaido still isn't out of it and that's worrying because the very nature of Nikaido's injuries make him unable to dwell on things like this. It's worse, because Senga tells Yasui how they'd had to give Nikaido some medication to calm him down through the night and they never have to medicate Nikaido.
“Nika-chan?” Yasui asks gently, coming into Nikaido's room where the young man has shut himself. The curtains are drawn and Nikaido is hunched over the sink in the corner of the room.
“It won't come off.” Nikaido tells Yasui without looking at him.
“What won't come off?” Yasui asks, moving closer. He can see that Nikaido is scrubbing his hands.
“The blood.” Nikaido says shakily. “There's blood on my hands.”
Yasui grabs him and tugs him away from the sink. “What happened?” but when he looks at Nikaido's hands they're red and raw looking but there's no blood. “Nika-chan, there's no blood...”
“I know.” Nikaido tells him, and he looks at Yasui's eyes, his expression almost pleading. “I know there isn't but I saw it there, I can't wash it away again.” Yasui looks down at Nikaido's hands again, his right hand curls into a fist and the fingers of his left hand feather over the knuckles.
Nikaido never used weapons, back before the accident, Nikaido always fought with his fists, every one of the knuckles on his right hand is broken and two on the left are too. Yasui's jaw drops as he looks up at Nikaido's eyes. “Wait right here...” He darts back out into the corridor and along to the station where Ueda is still sitting. “Call Dr. Yokoo...I think his memory is coming back.”
It's a miraculous breakthrough. Truthfully, they'd never done a great deal of work with Nikaido on bringing back the memories of his former self but it had been unmistakably clear he had no memory of it. Nikaido is taken away less than an hour later, Dr. Yokoo insisting he can find out more with the help of his team in the University laboratory. He's still not back when Yasui's shift finishes at seven.
Yasui is a little reluctant to see Nikaido the next day, as much as he hopes that Nikaido is making a recovery, he doesn't want to get that old Nikaido back, he likes the fun and vivacious Nikaido that they have now. But more-so than that, he doesn't want Nikaido to get his memories back because he doesn't want Nikaido to have to live with those memories, he knows how crushing it would be for him to find out about the people he hurt.
Selfishly, he avoids Nikaido as much as his duties allow the next day, he feels bad for Nikaido though, still shut up in his room alone with God knows what going through his head. He's changed and ready to leave, but before he can open the door he hears Nikaido's unusually sullen voice behind him.
“Yasui-kun” he says. “I need to talk” and when Yasui's mouth opens he re-phrases. “I need to talk to you.” Yasui looks around at the carer's station, he shouldn't really when he's off duty, but Nikaido is different, he's Yasui's favourite.
“Alright.” he answers quietly, and then he turns to follow Nikaido back to his room.
Nikaido sits there quietly for a moment, steeling himself, and Yasui can see that this is a different person he's talking to, this isn't the Nikaido that he waved goodbye to at the end of last week. “I've been seeing pictures in my head.” Nikaido explains. “Horrible things...blood and violence and...and I'm the one doing it.” Yasui doesn't say anything, he can't say anything. “Dr. Yokoo says they're memories...that I was in a motorcycle crash and just forgot them...only, sometimes...I was hurting you...”
“Nika...” Yasui starts but he stops short, he doesn't know what to say.
“Yasui Kentaro...I knew you didn't I? I hurt you...” Nikaido's voice cracks “I can see it...all the horrible things that I did to you...and you've been taking care of me...”
Yasui smiles gently. “It was a long time ago, we're both different people now...I forgive you and I care about you. OK?” Nikaido starts to cry. It's the strangest feeling, because Yasui feels like he's known Nikaido twice, as two different people and he never thought he'd ever see either of them cry. “Don't upset yourself over it.” he pulls Nikaido into a gentle hug, one that he ends far too soon. “I'll see you tomorrow alright?”
He's woken sharply from his sleep. He reaches for his phone on the bedside table and registers first the number of the incoming call, the carer's station, and then the time 4:37AM. “Hello?” he answers sleepily.
It's Senga's voice that answers, he's on the late graveyard shift. “I'm sorry to call you so late.” Senga says sombrely. “I just thought that you would want to know...Nika-chan passed away...”
He can't process the words, he's half asleep and plummeting deep into shock and he's sure that he didn't hear right because “Passed away..?”
“He killed himself.” Senga clarifies. “He was tucked up in bed at the 3 o'clock check, when I went round at four he was hanging from the ceiling panels by his bedsheets.”
They all have to go through grief counselling. Nikaido had been there a long time, all of the staff were close to him, all of them are shocked and distraught and the higher ups are concerned about their mental health staff having mental breakdowns. The patients have to have a few sessions too though half of them aren't in the right mind to understand what happened. Taiga has to take the sessions too, even though he doesn't speak, and as they've discovered he doesn't seem to read or write either, but Taiga has to go to them because he was in the room with Nikaido when it happened.
Yasui's own sessions aren't going too well, he's done the psychology and he knows the theory but it's the first time he's ever experienced something like this and it just isn't that easy to talk about. Even the other staff try and get Yasui to open up about it but he just can't bring himself to say anything other than. “I'm just surprised, I'll be alright.”
The first time he does, it's not to a staff member, it's to Taiga. Taiga is sitting on his bed in what is now his room, it's so hard not to think of it as Nikaido's still. He's agitated, as he has been every night at lights out since Nikaido died, and Yasui can't be sure if it's because he's troubled over what happened or if he just doesn't like being alone. Yasui can't help him any more than the therapists if it's the former, but he sits with Taiga for a while whenever his shift coincides with lights off.
“It must have been awful...” Yasui says to Taiga one night, “Seeing it happen, not being able to do anything about it...you must be blaming yourself.” he's quiet for a moment, collecting himself. “I blame myself too. If I'd have stayed a bit longer that night...if I'd done more to convince him that I forgive him...that he's a good person now, that he's changed...if I'd have not been so stupid...if I'd have seen...really seen how much it was troubling him...I could have...” he's shaking his head. He looks up at Taiga and to his surprise Taiga is looking back at him and his expression looks a little worried. He shakes his head again and tries to smile. “If I hadn't have gotten so close to him it wouldn't have hurt him so badly to remember...he beat up hundreds of people...why is it me he was so worried about? Because I let myself get too close...”
Taiga doesn't say anything but he shuffles closer to Yasui, as close as he can get without actually touching him and the small gesture is so unexpected of Taiga that Yasui's whole chest throbs. Tears drop from his eyelids and Yasui sniffs as he turns away. Taiga leans around him, looking at the wet tracks on Yasui's cheek in what looks like a mix of concern and pity.
“I'll be OK.” Yasui tells him, and it's the first time that he feels like he actually might be. He lets out a shaky breath and his smile comes easier this time, it feels better to have gotten it off his chest, to finally understand why it's been breaking him apart so much inside. “It's painful...losing someone you care so much about...” He tells Taiga “It's a normal reaction to blame yourself...to think about all of the things you could have done differently...how that might have changed things...if you could have saved them...”
Yasui has always gotten along well with Fuma. He'd always thought he understood why Fuma was the way he was but now he realises that he never really did. He's not sure he still does. What he feels over Nikaido's suicide must be nothing compared to what Fuma feels. He can't imagine living with the memory of watching someone he loves brutally murdered, being there and not doing anything to try and stop it, not being able to react...It's unbearable to even think about.
He doesn't say any of this to Fuma, but he feels compelled to spend more time with him all the same. Maybe it's empathy, Yasui thinks, or sympathy at least, maybe he just wants to know that Fuma is alright, that he's recovering, maybe it will make Yasui feel like he'll be alright too.
So Yasui spends more time in the behavioural ward, and Taiga still doesn't seem to like being alone so sometimes he follows Yasui there, never interacting with anyone but watching, observing everything with his usual curiosity. It's on one of these occasions that Fuma has his first violent episode in weeks and Yasui doesn't even see it coming.
The solitary patients, since they spend the majority of their time in their room have one wall which is mostly a thick polycarbonate window, with just enough brick to give them privacy in their personal bathrooms. Yasui is standing beside the window of Fuma's room, they're chatting about some stupid drama that they both like and Fuma is laughing, he's nodding and then just like that his head is shaking instead, vigorously.
“No...” Fuma groans, his hands clenching into fists and thumping loudly against the window in front of him. Yasui jumps back, too startled at first to realise what's happening, but then Fuma's fists are pounding faster, beating against the hard plastic until his knuckles are leaving red smears behind them.
“Fuma!” Yasui shouts, “Fuma, it's OK.” It's not OK, Fuma can't even hear him, he's shouting himself.
“No!” he roars. “I can't watch it! I can't watch it any more.” Yasui knows he's not talking about the stupid drama, Fuma is long gone. There are tears running down Fuma's face as his fists move from the window to the sides of his own head, punching against his own temples.
“Fuma!” Yasui shouts again, and then he backs away quickly until he bumps into the door to the general ward. He turns and calls through it “Ueda, sedative!” As carers, administering sedatives is about the extent of their authority, that or restraining the patient but in Fuma's case, the second isn't advisable when he's in one of his rages. Yasui isn't sure that sedating him will be possible either, even if they could get close enough, Fuma's actions are so frantic he's not sure they'll be able to do it.
Behind his window Fuma is thrashing wildly, his voice almost a scream. “Stop it. I don't want to see!” and his hands are clawing at his eyes, leaving raw scratches along his brow and cheekbones.
“Fuma, stop it!” Yasui shouts, feeling helpless, and then Ueda is dashing through the door to the ward with Senga behind him and Yasui rushes over to unlock Fuma's door. Ueda and Senga dart through it, and Senga tries to grab Fuma, to pull him away from where he's now bashing his head into the window.
Yasui is rooted to the spot, horrified, even as Ueda manages to jab the sedative lightly into Fuma's arm before it's smacked away, even as Senga and Ueda manage to wrestle him to the ground, pinning him there on his stomach, his head raising to look out through the window.
“It's you” Fuma snarls and Yasui doesn't know to whom he's speaking but his tone is certain, almost lucid. “How are you doing it? How do you know about him?” he shouts and then his words break off into a shrill scream as he starts thrashing anew. “Stop it, please, make it stop.” Another scream and Senga and Ueda let go of him in panic. Fuma's hands move to his head, his fingers curled and pressing sharply against his temples as he rolls around on the floor. “Stop it, I don't want to see it. Get out of my head.” he bangs his head hard against the floor as he screams again, words like 'No' and 'stop' and 'please' slipping out between screams that seem about to tear him apart and then Fuma's shrill voice asks “What do you want from me?” and he looks up, his eyes swimming with blood from burst vessels and they fix on a spot directly over Yasui's shoulder with such hatred that Yasui feels breathless.
And then he loses his breath for real as Fuma slams his head down against the floor so hard that the crack resonates across the whole ward. Senga and Ueda dart forward, falling to their knees beside Fuma while Yasui stumbles backwards in shock.
He gets a second shock as a mental image forces it's way to the forefront of his vision. There's a dark alleyway and person laying on the floor, mass of blood and pulp where the face should be, a dank metallic stench hangs in the air. He never looked at the pictures of Kento's death, but he read the police reports, they were included in Fuma's file.
It's only when Taiga flinches away from him that Yasui realises he'd bumped into him, he turns to Taiga, not sure whether to apologise or to ask what the fuck that was, but then his attention is called back to Fuma, laying on the floor.
“Yasui!” It's Ueda shouting him. “Get the patients out of here.”
Senga is already dashing past him, muttering something about ambulance under his breath and Yasui turns back to Ueda, he wants to ask, but he can't bring himself to, instead he turns away again and starts to usher the patients out into the general ward. Taiga is nowhere to be found.
He goes about his duties in a kind of shocked automation, he gets the patients organised for dinner, collects their meals from the kitchen building, draws up the necessary medications, and then he speaks to the officer that accompanies the coroner. After that he retreats to the carer's station, busying himself with tidying the filing cabinets while they wheel out the stretcher with Fuma's body on it.
It wasn't his fault, he tells himself over again, what would he have done if he'd opened Fuma's door earlier, would he have been able to pull Fuma away alone? Would Fuma have fought back? Would he be the one now growing cold beneath the stark white sheet.
Part 2
Pairing: YasuixTaiga, YasuixFujigaya, YasuixNikaido, KitayamaxFujigaya
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: God yes, everything. Violence, rape, death, mental problems, incest, all kinds of other messed up things, nonsense
Summary: There's something very strange about the new patient at The Kamenashi Institute for Neurologically Compromised Inpatients.
Notes: When I started writing this I envisioned some grand, thought-provoking masterpiece...what I've ended up with is 11,000 words of brutally violent nonsense. Written for stormy1990 for the je-united exchange - part 1, part 2
“New patient checked in today.” Ueda informs Yasui as he steps into the break room and shrugs off his bag and coat. He gives a mildly interested nod of acknowledgement as he pulls out his uniform and starts stripping. “I think you'll be pretty interested in him.” Yasui pauses halfway through stepping into his navy uniform pants to fix an unimpressed glare on Ueda who just rolls his eyes and stubs out his cigarette. “Yeah he's a good looking kid but I didn't mean like that...he's a weird one.”
“Solitary?” Yasui asks, gaining a little more interest, it's the code word for dangerous at KINCI - The Kamenashi Institute for Neurologically Compromised Inpatients.
“Kamenashi-san thinks he should be, there's something unsettling about him but he's showing no signs of violent tendencies, heck he's showing little sign of anything but a lobotomy.” Ueda answers and that hardly perks Yasui's interest. They have patients like that, usually ones with some form of extensive brain tissue damage, that are practically vegetables. They're hard work to take care of, they have to be coaxed through the simplest of daily tasks, brushing their teeth, eating, going to the bathroom. It's hard work but boring.
Yasui is more interested in the ones with psychological problems. It only makes sense, his major was in psychology after all and that's where he'd hoped to end up at KINCI, giving therapy sessions or even doing research. Instead he's little more than floor staff, a carer.
He finishes changing and clocks in bang on seven, right on time for the earlier of the graveyard shifts. The graveyard shifts are the least popular shifts because of the hours, both the time and the fact they run twelve hours rather than the usual nine. They're good money though, and they're not as physically taxing. Yasui likes them because he has time to look through the medical records...test his knowledge against the diagnosis, consider how he might change the treatments if he had any such authority.
Yasui notices the new patient the moment he steps onto the main ward, he's standing frozen in the middle of the corridor, dark eyes considering Yasui as he moves closer. Good looking is an understatement. The new patient is stunning, or would be if not for the lank dullness of his almost silver blonde hair, the sallow skin stretched tight over the bones in his face and the deep purple beneath his eyes. He's wearing a hospital issue gown rather than the standard KINCI leisurewear and his feet are bare.
“Hello.” Yasui says kindly as he approaches. “My name is Yasui Kentaro, I'll be taking care of you here. I'm sorry I haven't been told your name yet...”
The new patient's eyes seem to look over every inch of him before fixing themselves on Yasui's eyes, boring into him. It feels like the young man is looking inside him. With a small tilt of the head, the patient turns and walks away leaving Yasui shuddering.
“He's mute.” Ueda says, back in his street clothes and heading for the door. “I left his file on the desk for you.”
There are rounds to do once Yasui has gone through the days hand-overs with the Senga, the carer in with him until Kitayama starts the late graveyard shift at ten, and then there's particular patients that need to be checked on. The 'vegetable' residents need to be bathed and changed for bed and then the lights out checks start at nine. The new patient is in a shared room, two of it's occupants are just temporary, dementia patients that will be transferred out the next day to a specialised facility, and then there's Nikaido.
“This is Taiga.” Nikaido tells Yasui. “He's staying with me for a while.”
Yasui nods and smiles. “Are you going to help him settle in?” Nikaido, who would be Yasui's favourite patient if it were morally acceptable to pick favourites, is a lovely young man of twenty six. He was in the year above Yasui at school and beat him up twelve times over the course of their matriculation before going on to lead the most notorious violent gang in the whole of the Tokyo area. Five years ago a motorcycle accident left Nikaido with no memory of his former self, and a difficulty retaining new memories, but with the ongoing help of the psychology department he's making some progress with the latter.
Nobody is helping Nikaido with the former. The new Nikaido is docile and enthusiastic about life, he's always smiling and ready to reach out a hand the help the other patients, even if half the time he can't remember who they are, and that's why new patients are often placed with Nikaido, he helps them settle in.
“He's my friend.” Nikaido tells Yasui. “But he's a bit shy.”
Sure enough the new patient, Yasui doesn't have enough trust in Nikaido's memory to be certain his name is Taiga, is sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. He's staring at one of the dementia patients with a curious expression while the old man sits on the end of his bed, rocking and muttering “I told you, it's not there any more, I don't know where it's gone” over and over.
“Yamaguchi-san?” Yasui asks gently while walking over to him. “Is everything alright?”
After four years here, Yasui is used to the nonsensical mutterings of dementia patients, but it takes him completely by surprise when Yamaguchi suddenly points at the new patient and shouts. “Tell him he can't have it, I don't know where it is!”
Yasui turns to the corner, the new patient is still staring at Yamaguchi only now it's with greater intrigue. Ueda was wrong about him, he doesn't have the zombie-like mannerisms of a lobotomised patient at all, there's something there under the quiet, something very much lucid and strangely disturbing. Yasui is very interested in him.
Not all of the patients at KINCI are there for memory trouble, and they're not all what people would consider crazy. Every one of them has some kind of neurological problem but there's a whole wing of residents whose observed symptoms are behavioural.
They have patients struggling so badly with obsessions or compulsions or fears that they can't live normally, at least until they've undergone lengthy psychological treatments, in the outside world. Most of them live communally, but just as with the other wings there are a number of solitary patients.
Fuma's problem is aggression, brought on by the traumatic incident of seeing his secret lover being beaten to death for his sexuality. Fuma was in too much shock to react at the time, and as the gang members didn't know about the nature of his and Kento's relationship, Fuma was spared, only to snap at the police station and injure thirteen officers in his fit of blind rage. He's doing a lot better, he now recognises the warning signs of violent episode, but it's safer to have him in solitary confinement than risk him not being able to stop it.
Taisuke is an addict. He's undergoing hormone correction to fix the imbalance that has him addicted to sex. The progress so far is negligible and Taisuke's self-restraint even less than that, so after his fourth arrest on suspicion of rape, Taisuke has been admitted to KINCI until some bigger improvements in his behaviour are seen. In Yasui's opinion, being at KINCI isn't any better for Taisuke, he knows he's not the only carer that has given in to Taisuke's seduction.
When he finally gets chance to sit down at the carer's station, once all the patients are tucked in for the night and Kitayama is starting the first of the hourly rounds, Yasui finds the new patient's file as Ueda promised.
Sure enough the file says Taiga at the top of it, but before it, in brackets is the word 'unknown'. As Yasui reads down he discovers that the young man had been found wandering alone in the woods wearing only a raincoat, one that was far too small to be his and that had the name Taiga stitched onto the label.
The young man hasn't spoken a word to anyone since he was found, and there's no record of him through searching his fingerprints or DNA. His description doesn't match any missing persons report in the area and despite an appeal on national television for information about him, the authorities are still no closer to finding out who he is.
He'd been kept at a hospital for three weeks while all manner of tests were carried out, but aside from elevated brain activity, his inability or unwillingness to speak and the way he panics if anybody tries to touch him, there appears to be nothing wrong with him.
With nothing left to do at the hospital, he'd been transferred to KINCI to look into possible psychological problems until more information came to light. Yasui's never seen a case quite like this one before, but he doesn't need to have done to know that Taiga will likely end up a permanent resident. That thought makes him shudder again, he's interested in Taiga's case, very interested, but that doesn't mean he isn't creeped out. There's definitely something not right with him, with the way he'd seemed to reach inside Yasui with his eyes, with the way Yamaguchi-san reacted to him.
Kitayama comes back from his rounds and brings with him a cup of coffee for Yasui. Yasui had been too absorbed in Taiga's file to notice he was late back, the night time checks should only take twenty minutes but he's been gone almost forty, and Kitayama offers him a sheepish smile as he hands Yasui the cup. His hair is a little messy and his cheeks are flushed, Taisuke's is the last room on the route.
He doesn't mention it, just thanks him for the coffee and goes back to Taiga's file. They take the checks in turn, one every hour, so he has twenty minutes left until his round. The round takes twenty minutes, forty minutes from now he'll get to Taisuke's room, Taisuke will be ready to go again by then for sure.
The thought takes him by surprise because he never pre-meditates this kind of thing, would never, because it's immoral and unethical and just downright horrible and if he's caved in the past it's only been because of Taisuke's desperate and talented attempts at seducing him.
He looks around, almost sure that Kitayama will be glaring at him, knowing what he was thinking, but Kitayama's eyes are on the computer screen in front of him. There are eyes on him though, he almost jumps out of his skin when he looks back out at the ward and there, from the window in the door of Nikaido's room's, Taiga is watching him.
Kitayama sees him jump and follows his line of sight. “What's with that guy? There's something pretty scary about every one of them in a way, you know? But that one's different...”
Yasui doesn't answer, he swallows hard and gets up from his seat. He shouldn't be scared, he's been dealing with mentally disturbed and damaged people for years, he knows what to do if they get violent, he knows how to handle it if they're hysterical. He has no reason to be scared but Taiga just keeps on looking at him with those cavernous black eyes until Yasui is right beside the door.
“Is something wrong?” Yasui asks, his voice only cracking a little.
Taiga blinks slowly and turns from the door, Yasui tries hard to look in through the window but he can't see anything in the darkness, he strains his ears, and then jumps back a mile as another face appears at the window.
“Yasui-kun?” Nikaido asks, and his eyebrows are furrowed in worry. “This man isn't very well...”
Yasui is still too startled to react at first but then he hears it, quiet sobbing and moaning. Yasui nods. He has the keys right there and this isn't even a solitary room, these people aren't deemed dangerous. He fidgets with the keys for a moment and then shouts “Kitayama? Back up please.”
When Kitayama is beside him, Yasui unlocks the door and switches on the light. Yamaguchi is pacing in a tight circle in the corner of the room. “Stop it, get out, it's not there.” he's muttering, crying.
“Yamaguchi-san?” Yasui asks, walking over and placing a hand on Yamaguchi's arm. “It's OK, there's nothing to be worried about...go back to bed.”
“I can't, I can't.” he says shaking his head and then he turns to look at Yasui, looks over his shoulder. “He won't let me sleep.” A cold dread fills Yasui as he somehow knows who Yamaguchi is referring to.
“We can get you something to help you sleep...” Kitayama offers gently from over Yasui's other shoulder.
“I don't want to stay here.” Yamaguchi answers, ignoring Kitayama, he shakes his head faster and faster and faster and then shouts. “Get out! I have to get out!” he bolts for the door but Kitayama is ready, he catches Yamaguchi and between the two of them they manage to tackle the thrashing man to the floor and hold him.
“I've got him.” Kitayama says almost breathlessly, Yamaguchi is a tall man, a strong one and Kitayama and Yasui both are rather smaller in stature. “I've got him, get a sedative.”
Yasui bolts for the carer's station, and scans his card across the security card reader on the medication cabinet, then he types in the pass-code. He selects the general sedative, it's a fairly weak one to account for different body weights but it should be strong enough to pacify Yamaguchi until they can move him safely.
He runs back to the room where Kitayama is still struggling to hold him down while Nikaido and the other dementia patient look on in horror, Taiga watches in that same intrigue he'd been watching Yamaguchi with earlier. Yasui drops to his knees by Yamaguchi's head and positions the sedative.
“No!” Yamaguchi shouts. “I'm not crazy, it's him. He's in my head, he wants to know what I'm afraid of but it isn't there any more.” Yasui falters for just a moment as he looks over at Taiga, he looks creepy as always, but not menacing, he looks both curious and oblivious. “I can hear him in my head.” Yamaguchi cries and Yasui jabs him with the sedative.
Between them they heave the more placid Yamaguchi along the corridor to a solitary room. He's not a danger exactly but he's clearly not comfortable in that room and he's disturbing the other patients. Afterwards they head back to Nikaido's room where they usher the other patients back into bed.
“That man was very upset.” Nikaido tells Yasui, clearly shaken. “He was mean to the one with white hair.”
“Yes, he was very upset, but he'll be alright, we'll look after him. What did he do to Taiga?” He points over at Taiga who is sitting on his bed with his knees tucked up to his chest. “You remember Taiga.”
“That man was very angry at him, but he didn't do anything wrong.” Nikaido tells him, complying as Yasui urges him down into his bed and pulls up the covers. Sometimes Nikaido's memory loss makes him very scared and childlike, it's must be difficult, Yasui muses, to not remember, to not understand things. He gently brushes Nikaido's fringe away from his eyes and smiles, Nikaido smiles back and lets his eyes flutter closed.
“It's OK, I'll make sure Taiga is OK.” Nikaido nods so Yasui heads over to Taiga's bed. Taiga watches him walk over but doesn't react. “Are you OK?” Taiga just looks at him. “I don't know what Yamaguchi-san said to you” he points at Yamaguchi's vacated bed. “But don't listen to it, he's very unwell and he doesn't know what he's saying, do you understand?” Taiga just continues to stare. “Lay down, try to get some sleep.” It almost surprises him when Taiga lays down, he wasn't sure if Taiga understood a word he was saying, but then when he reaches out to pull up the covers, the first real emotion Yasui has seen from him, fear, twists Taiga's features and he shuffles away from Yasui's touch.
The medical file did say he didn't like to be touched. Yasui smiles softly and gives a quiet apology, and then turns to follow Kitayama out of the room, locking the door behind him.
“Well, at least it's been an interesting night.” Kitayama says with raised eyebrows. “Did you see the way he was looking at that new kid?”
“He's not all there.” Yasui says a little defensively. “He said he heard voices in his head...that screams all kinds of not good to me.”
Kitayama nods in agreement. “Yeah, I guess you're right, hey, it's time for your round, you go, I'll write this thing up in the log book.”
It's weekend after that and weekends at KINCI are run by a separate team of staff so Yasui has two whole days off, one technically since shift patterns run in one week rotas and he's switching back around to days for a few weeks. The thoughts of Taiga and his mysterious arrival don't leave him entirely though and he spends most of his full day off looking through newspaper reports, then through missing persons spreading outside of the Tokyo area. Still, by the time he goes back to work on Monday, he has no better idea about where Taiga could have come from than the medical file does.
“Eventful weekend?” Yasui asks Ueda who is on the early shift, it's his duty to go through the weekend logs with the carer from Sunday night's late graveyard shift.
“Not really.” Ueda answers, “Fukazawa and Iwamoto had a pretty big fight but it all turned out fine. Fukka thought Iwamoto was cheating at snap and Iwamoto got all het up about being called a liar. Oh, actually though, Tamamori said Nika-chan's been acting kind of strangely.”
He's not allowed to pick favourites, but Nikaido is a favourite, so he hurries his step along to Nikaido's room to see what the matter is. “Yasui-kun” Nikaido says with a smile when Yasui enters. It's hard to say why Nikaido remembers his name when he usually forgets other people's, Dr. Yokoo thinks it's maybe because he knew it before the accident but Yasui isn't so sure.
“Hey, how are you doing? I heard you weren't feeling well?” Yasui says softly.
“I'm OK.” Nikaido tells him, but there's something sad in his voice.
The communal patients have free reign of the ward through the day and it's not like Nikaido to be sitting here in his room alone. “Why aren't you out with the others...”
Nikaido shakes his head sadly. “I don't want to be with them. I'm not a very nice person.”
That's definitely not like Nikaido. “What makes you think you're not a nice person?”
Nikaido shakes his head. “Dreams...I think...maybe...I don't know, I feel like I'm not a nice person.”
“Well you are a nice person. Everybody likes you, that's why we put new patients in your room because you make people feel better.” Yasui tells him and something changes in his expression but only slightly, and Yasui isn't sure that it's a happy change. “I have to go and do my rounds, but if you want to talk to me I'll be back soon, and Dr. Yokoo will like to hear about this in your meeting later, he'll be able to make you feel better.”
Nikaido nods and Yasui reluctantly leaves. Sometimes patients have bad days, all of them do, they come out of it. Nikaido will likely get distracted by something and completely forget that he was ever in a sad mood, but it's still painful for Yasui to see.
By the next day, Nikaido still isn't out of it and that's worrying because the very nature of Nikaido's injuries make him unable to dwell on things like this. It's worse, because Senga tells Yasui how they'd had to give Nikaido some medication to calm him down through the night and they never have to medicate Nikaido.
“Nika-chan?” Yasui asks gently, coming into Nikaido's room where the young man has shut himself. The curtains are drawn and Nikaido is hunched over the sink in the corner of the room.
“It won't come off.” Nikaido tells Yasui without looking at him.
“What won't come off?” Yasui asks, moving closer. He can see that Nikaido is scrubbing his hands.
“The blood.” Nikaido says shakily. “There's blood on my hands.”
Yasui grabs him and tugs him away from the sink. “What happened?” but when he looks at Nikaido's hands they're red and raw looking but there's no blood. “Nika-chan, there's no blood...”
“I know.” Nikaido tells him, and he looks at Yasui's eyes, his expression almost pleading. “I know there isn't but I saw it there, I can't wash it away again.” Yasui looks down at Nikaido's hands again, his right hand curls into a fist and the fingers of his left hand feather over the knuckles.
Nikaido never used weapons, back before the accident, Nikaido always fought with his fists, every one of the knuckles on his right hand is broken and two on the left are too. Yasui's jaw drops as he looks up at Nikaido's eyes. “Wait right here...” He darts back out into the corridor and along to the station where Ueda is still sitting. “Call Dr. Yokoo...I think his memory is coming back.”
It's a miraculous breakthrough. Truthfully, they'd never done a great deal of work with Nikaido on bringing back the memories of his former self but it had been unmistakably clear he had no memory of it. Nikaido is taken away less than an hour later, Dr. Yokoo insisting he can find out more with the help of his team in the University laboratory. He's still not back when Yasui's shift finishes at seven.
Yasui is a little reluctant to see Nikaido the next day, as much as he hopes that Nikaido is making a recovery, he doesn't want to get that old Nikaido back, he likes the fun and vivacious Nikaido that they have now. But more-so than that, he doesn't want Nikaido to get his memories back because he doesn't want Nikaido to have to live with those memories, he knows how crushing it would be for him to find out about the people he hurt.
Selfishly, he avoids Nikaido as much as his duties allow the next day, he feels bad for Nikaido though, still shut up in his room alone with God knows what going through his head. He's changed and ready to leave, but before he can open the door he hears Nikaido's unusually sullen voice behind him.
“Yasui-kun” he says. “I need to talk” and when Yasui's mouth opens he re-phrases. “I need to talk to you.” Yasui looks around at the carer's station, he shouldn't really when he's off duty, but Nikaido is different, he's Yasui's favourite.
“Alright.” he answers quietly, and then he turns to follow Nikaido back to his room.
Nikaido sits there quietly for a moment, steeling himself, and Yasui can see that this is a different person he's talking to, this isn't the Nikaido that he waved goodbye to at the end of last week. “I've been seeing pictures in my head.” Nikaido explains. “Horrible things...blood and violence and...and I'm the one doing it.” Yasui doesn't say anything, he can't say anything. “Dr. Yokoo says they're memories...that I was in a motorcycle crash and just forgot them...only, sometimes...I was hurting you...”
“Nika...” Yasui starts but he stops short, he doesn't know what to say.
“Yasui Kentaro...I knew you didn't I? I hurt you...” Nikaido's voice cracks “I can see it...all the horrible things that I did to you...and you've been taking care of me...”
Yasui smiles gently. “It was a long time ago, we're both different people now...I forgive you and I care about you. OK?” Nikaido starts to cry. It's the strangest feeling, because Yasui feels like he's known Nikaido twice, as two different people and he never thought he'd ever see either of them cry. “Don't upset yourself over it.” he pulls Nikaido into a gentle hug, one that he ends far too soon. “I'll see you tomorrow alright?”
He's woken sharply from his sleep. He reaches for his phone on the bedside table and registers first the number of the incoming call, the carer's station, and then the time 4:37AM. “Hello?” he answers sleepily.
It's Senga's voice that answers, he's on the late graveyard shift. “I'm sorry to call you so late.” Senga says sombrely. “I just thought that you would want to know...Nika-chan passed away...”
He can't process the words, he's half asleep and plummeting deep into shock and he's sure that he didn't hear right because “Passed away..?”
“He killed himself.” Senga clarifies. “He was tucked up in bed at the 3 o'clock check, when I went round at four he was hanging from the ceiling panels by his bedsheets.”
They all have to go through grief counselling. Nikaido had been there a long time, all of the staff were close to him, all of them are shocked and distraught and the higher ups are concerned about their mental health staff having mental breakdowns. The patients have to have a few sessions too though half of them aren't in the right mind to understand what happened. Taiga has to take the sessions too, even though he doesn't speak, and as they've discovered he doesn't seem to read or write either, but Taiga has to go to them because he was in the room with Nikaido when it happened.
Yasui's own sessions aren't going too well, he's done the psychology and he knows the theory but it's the first time he's ever experienced something like this and it just isn't that easy to talk about. Even the other staff try and get Yasui to open up about it but he just can't bring himself to say anything other than. “I'm just surprised, I'll be alright.”
The first time he does, it's not to a staff member, it's to Taiga. Taiga is sitting on his bed in what is now his room, it's so hard not to think of it as Nikaido's still. He's agitated, as he has been every night at lights out since Nikaido died, and Yasui can't be sure if it's because he's troubled over what happened or if he just doesn't like being alone. Yasui can't help him any more than the therapists if it's the former, but he sits with Taiga for a while whenever his shift coincides with lights off.
“It must have been awful...” Yasui says to Taiga one night, “Seeing it happen, not being able to do anything about it...you must be blaming yourself.” he's quiet for a moment, collecting himself. “I blame myself too. If I'd have stayed a bit longer that night...if I'd done more to convince him that I forgive him...that he's a good person now, that he's changed...if I'd have not been so stupid...if I'd have seen...really seen how much it was troubling him...I could have...” he's shaking his head. He looks up at Taiga and to his surprise Taiga is looking back at him and his expression looks a little worried. He shakes his head again and tries to smile. “If I hadn't have gotten so close to him it wouldn't have hurt him so badly to remember...he beat up hundreds of people...why is it me he was so worried about? Because I let myself get too close...”
Taiga doesn't say anything but he shuffles closer to Yasui, as close as he can get without actually touching him and the small gesture is so unexpected of Taiga that Yasui's whole chest throbs. Tears drop from his eyelids and Yasui sniffs as he turns away. Taiga leans around him, looking at the wet tracks on Yasui's cheek in what looks like a mix of concern and pity.
“I'll be OK.” Yasui tells him, and it's the first time that he feels like he actually might be. He lets out a shaky breath and his smile comes easier this time, it feels better to have gotten it off his chest, to finally understand why it's been breaking him apart so much inside. “It's painful...losing someone you care so much about...” He tells Taiga “It's a normal reaction to blame yourself...to think about all of the things you could have done differently...how that might have changed things...if you could have saved them...”
Yasui has always gotten along well with Fuma. He'd always thought he understood why Fuma was the way he was but now he realises that he never really did. He's not sure he still does. What he feels over Nikaido's suicide must be nothing compared to what Fuma feels. He can't imagine living with the memory of watching someone he loves brutally murdered, being there and not doing anything to try and stop it, not being able to react...It's unbearable to even think about.
He doesn't say any of this to Fuma, but he feels compelled to spend more time with him all the same. Maybe it's empathy, Yasui thinks, or sympathy at least, maybe he just wants to know that Fuma is alright, that he's recovering, maybe it will make Yasui feel like he'll be alright too.
So Yasui spends more time in the behavioural ward, and Taiga still doesn't seem to like being alone so sometimes he follows Yasui there, never interacting with anyone but watching, observing everything with his usual curiosity. It's on one of these occasions that Fuma has his first violent episode in weeks and Yasui doesn't even see it coming.
The solitary patients, since they spend the majority of their time in their room have one wall which is mostly a thick polycarbonate window, with just enough brick to give them privacy in their personal bathrooms. Yasui is standing beside the window of Fuma's room, they're chatting about some stupid drama that they both like and Fuma is laughing, he's nodding and then just like that his head is shaking instead, vigorously.
“No...” Fuma groans, his hands clenching into fists and thumping loudly against the window in front of him. Yasui jumps back, too startled at first to realise what's happening, but then Fuma's fists are pounding faster, beating against the hard plastic until his knuckles are leaving red smears behind them.
“Fuma!” Yasui shouts, “Fuma, it's OK.” It's not OK, Fuma can't even hear him, he's shouting himself.
“No!” he roars. “I can't watch it! I can't watch it any more.” Yasui knows he's not talking about the stupid drama, Fuma is long gone. There are tears running down Fuma's face as his fists move from the window to the sides of his own head, punching against his own temples.
“Fuma!” Yasui shouts again, and then he backs away quickly until he bumps into the door to the general ward. He turns and calls through it “Ueda, sedative!” As carers, administering sedatives is about the extent of their authority, that or restraining the patient but in Fuma's case, the second isn't advisable when he's in one of his rages. Yasui isn't sure that sedating him will be possible either, even if they could get close enough, Fuma's actions are so frantic he's not sure they'll be able to do it.
Behind his window Fuma is thrashing wildly, his voice almost a scream. “Stop it. I don't want to see!” and his hands are clawing at his eyes, leaving raw scratches along his brow and cheekbones.
“Fuma, stop it!” Yasui shouts, feeling helpless, and then Ueda is dashing through the door to the ward with Senga behind him and Yasui rushes over to unlock Fuma's door. Ueda and Senga dart through it, and Senga tries to grab Fuma, to pull him away from where he's now bashing his head into the window.
Yasui is rooted to the spot, horrified, even as Ueda manages to jab the sedative lightly into Fuma's arm before it's smacked away, even as Senga and Ueda manage to wrestle him to the ground, pinning him there on his stomach, his head raising to look out through the window.
“It's you” Fuma snarls and Yasui doesn't know to whom he's speaking but his tone is certain, almost lucid. “How are you doing it? How do you know about him?” he shouts and then his words break off into a shrill scream as he starts thrashing anew. “Stop it, please, make it stop.” Another scream and Senga and Ueda let go of him in panic. Fuma's hands move to his head, his fingers curled and pressing sharply against his temples as he rolls around on the floor. “Stop it, I don't want to see it. Get out of my head.” he bangs his head hard against the floor as he screams again, words like 'No' and 'stop' and 'please' slipping out between screams that seem about to tear him apart and then Fuma's shrill voice asks “What do you want from me?” and he looks up, his eyes swimming with blood from burst vessels and they fix on a spot directly over Yasui's shoulder with such hatred that Yasui feels breathless.
And then he loses his breath for real as Fuma slams his head down against the floor so hard that the crack resonates across the whole ward. Senga and Ueda dart forward, falling to their knees beside Fuma while Yasui stumbles backwards in shock.
He gets a second shock as a mental image forces it's way to the forefront of his vision. There's a dark alleyway and person laying on the floor, mass of blood and pulp where the face should be, a dank metallic stench hangs in the air. He never looked at the pictures of Kento's death, but he read the police reports, they were included in Fuma's file.
It's only when Taiga flinches away from him that Yasui realises he'd bumped into him, he turns to Taiga, not sure whether to apologise or to ask what the fuck that was, but then his attention is called back to Fuma, laying on the floor.
“Yasui!” It's Ueda shouting him. “Get the patients out of here.”
Senga is already dashing past him, muttering something about ambulance under his breath and Yasui turns back to Ueda, he wants to ask, but he can't bring himself to, instead he turns away again and starts to usher the patients out into the general ward. Taiga is nowhere to be found.
He goes about his duties in a kind of shocked automation, he gets the patients organised for dinner, collects their meals from the kitchen building, draws up the necessary medications, and then he speaks to the officer that accompanies the coroner. After that he retreats to the carer's station, busying himself with tidying the filing cabinets while they wheel out the stretcher with Fuma's body on it.
It wasn't his fault, he tells himself over again, what would he have done if he'd opened Fuma's door earlier, would he have been able to pull Fuma away alone? Would Fuma have fought back? Would he be the one now growing cold beneath the stark white sheet.
Part 2