one more post before bed...
it's funny how you can be gone from someone for a while and gain so much perspective, then be around them again and the new perspective wars with the old habits.
we're cool again- me and the person i thought i would never again be cool with. the relationship was what it should have been, even if it ended badly. but in the 2 years since it ended, i've learned things about him and about myself. about what i want and how to get it. talking to him tonight, i got the old snugly feeling- he's just a snugly guy. i'm not in love with him anymore and while we were talking, that fact seemed... funny. i was sure i was going to marry him. and in being so sure, i lost sight of me. but that's old news, isn't it? the new news is: we're ok. i even got two hugs from him, though i had to fight the urge to kiss him on the cheek. i kiss everyone else on the cheek. strange that that kind of thing would be off limits with someone i knew so intimately once...
i still love him, really. and i'm grateful for what he, and my relationship with him, taught me. it has saved my life a few times since. it has made me stronger and it has taught me how my love is built. it has made my relationship now all the better. it was just nice to have recognition from someone so important to me, i guess. i was having trouble letting it go thinking that he hated me and would hate me forever and blahblahblah...
this makes no sense, i know. and i'm sorry for that. but i just needed to send this out into the great shining LJ void, because i'm really grateful for the chance to be ok.