Shit!fic Review, wooo-hoo!
Okay, this was actually recommended to me by nicolegertrude , I believe. And I actually reviewed it months and months ago but it pissed me off so badly that I saved it and left in on my hard drive until I could cool down enough to post it.
In Love
Alex/Olivia find each other attractive to the other one but can’t tell each other. Will they get the courage to tell each other what they are feeling. Femslash
Whoa whoa whoa there, Sparky. This is only the summary and already I can tell that this fic is going to be awarded the sacred tome of grammar!fail.
Sucky summary but good story.
Well, the author is half right.
The hall to the SVU unit was empty and quiet. All was heard was a loud clicking sound of high heels heading to Cargen’s office. Alex the head ADA for the SVU walked by Olivia one of the strongest cops in New York and gave Olivia one of her famous smiles.
Who is Cargen and why is he in this story?
Usually the grammatical error of choice is unnecessary, excessive use of commas. In this case, the author has forgone the use of punctuation at all. I feel this compulsive need to go through this story line by line and correct all these errors.
‘God what if she knew what she did to me when she gives me that smile’ thought Olivia as she felt herself get a little wet. She let her eyes wonder down to the ADA nice ass but was interrupted when Elliot cleared his throat.
How does one let their eyes “wonder” down to someone’s ass? I am asking. Really people.
And do I even need to mention the fact that Olivia gets wet from a smile? Damn but Olivia Benson is easy. But I should already know that seeing as how she has been slashed with about every female in every fandom imaginable, regardless of whether the pairing even made any sense.
“What?” asked Olivia
“Quit starring at her ass we need to move just got a case in” said Elliot while grabbing his coat off his chair.
“I can’t help it just look her, ever since I first laid eyes on her I feel in love her.” said Olivia as she put on her coat. Everyone knew that she was in love with Alex well everyone but Alex.
Ah! Thank you sweet father god. A comma. I was beginning to think that the author of this was a speaker of some foreign tongue that did not acknowledge the use of punctuation. No… no… I just checked. This author is indeed from the United States so there is no excuse for her woeful disrespect of the highly esteemed comma.
“Hey Cargen, Do you have anything for me?” asked Alex
“No it’s been pretty quiet, but I just sent Elliot and Olivia on a case. A twelve year old just got raped by her dad.” said Cargen.
“Ok, if you have anything just send Olivia with the news.” said Alex as she walked out of his office.
“Man I hate when she does that, just walks out without saying good bye.” said Cargen with a chuckle.
Cargen. Cargen. CARGEN. I am assuming that Cargen is an original character and not that the author misspelled “Cragen,” especially since “Cargen” bears no resemblance to the somewhat surly, deliberate Captain Cragen that we all know and love.
With Olivia and Elliot
Is this a chapter note? A chapter title? A subtitle? What? Granted, while the author might not have the mental capability to realize that scenes have changed, the rest of us do have the average intelligence of a retarded weevil.
Elliot pulled up to a apartment and got out of the car. “I’m just saying you should just tell her how you feel, it will be so much easier on you and your work.” said Elliot
“Wait, you’re saying my work is suffering because of her?” asked Olivia
“Yeah, that’s what I’m pretty much saying.” answered Elliot as he knocked on the door .
No, we are all suffering. Olivia, her work, the characters of this story, the readers, we are all suffering from this exercise in fuckery.
A middle aged woman answered the door.
“Can I help you?” asked the women
“Hello mama, I am detective Stabler and this is detective Benson, and we are here about a rape that was reported by your twelve year old daughter.” said Elliot
Mama? Is this Stabler’s mother or is he channeling the mobster character that Chris Meloni played in Bound?
“Umm.. Yes ok come in Detectives.” said the woman. “By the way I’m Nicole.” said the woman why holding her hand out to the detectives. Both shock her hand. “My husband has been acting weird and I asked him what was wrong and he told me not to worry about it, then my little girl came up to me and told me that daddy had touched her wrong I wasn’t happy so I kicked him out and called you guys” finished Nicole.
“Where is your husband now Nicole.” asked Olivia
“I think he went to the bar down the road.” said Nicole.
“We will be in touch we are going to pick him up rightnow, here is my card call if you need anything.” said Elliot.
“Thank you Detectives” said Nicole.
A couple minutes later Olivia and Elliot picked up there guy and he confessed to everything he did to his daughter and they locked him up.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I… I… I need to go set the kettle on before I even attempt to deal with this passage.
I’m sorry. I just needed a moment to mentally prepare for handling this passage because this completely broadsided me. I should have probably explained this beforehand, but I haven’t actually read this shit!fic. I had it on good authority that this was shit!fic and immediately started reviewing without even reading it. And I did not foresee that someone could actually write something so gods’ awfully bad, that it would leave me speechless.
This is a sad day.
I think I might have found something easier than Olivia Benson, and that is this plot. Rather than be bothered with anything difficult, like say… an interesting or realistic storyline, I’m betting that this little clusterfuck right here was a vessel in which to carry the real meat and potatoes of this story: a little epic sheet time with the two ladies.
Nothing in life is this easy except maybe my ex-girlfriend. First of all, what mother would be so calm about her husband raping her daughter? And give the author a prize for mistress of understatement “… told me her daddy touched her wrong I wasn’t happy so…”
“Not happy” is what I am when my girlfriend eats the last of the oreos. “Not happy” is what I am when my cat wakes me up by gnawing on my face. “Not happy” is what I am when I have to unexpectedly change the batteries in the vibrator. “Not happy” is not what one is when their daughter is raped by their fucking spouse.
And hello? Since when do they not interview the victim? They are just going to take hearsay as gospel and go arrest some guy for raping his daughter and potentially fuck up his life forever? This is not the Soviet Union or communist China. I do believe we still have something called probable cause and due process here.
I feel like I am beating a realism horse to death here. In the real world, the mother would have hysterically confronted her husband. And he a) would have beaten the shit out of her and/or the daughter and left or b) left and run far, far away. Not to the fucking bar down the street.
Has anyone seen the new Brink’s Home security commercials? (Here’s the link, if you haven’t: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wkr0-nVwmQY) There is one that I find pretty realistic until the end. Finally! A security commercial that isn’t some random white guy jogging around the neighborhood and kicking in doors. This is what happens in the real world. It’s the crazy stalker ex busting down your door! But in the real world, he doesn’t leave when the alarm sounds. He runs in, beats you fucking unconscious, and then runs before the cops can get there.
Why did the author even BOTHER attempting to have a plot? Are we supposed to be wowed by her story construction? “Oh, this isn’t just a smut fic, she attempted to have a plot.” Well, try ain’t good enough, sweetheart. If you want a story to have a plot, don’t half-ass it because it just makes you seem pathetic. Not to mention it makes the story appear as though it’s some thinly veiled excuse for the author to write out her own sexual fantasies, which makes it even more pathetic.
“Well that was an easy case, lets go out for drinks.” said Elliot
“Ok, lets call Alex so she can come too” said Olivia
“Hello” answered a woman on the answered.
Huh?
“Hey Alex it’s Olivia, I’m just wondering if you want to go with us to grab some drinks at the club?” asked Olivia.
“Yeah that would be great, I will meet you there.” said Alex.
At the Club
Fuck. Another chapter or whatever. Let me state for the record here… with very few exceptions, I cannot take a fic seriously if it is set in a club. You don’t go to the club to start a healthy, well-adjusted relationship. You go to the club to get hammered, take some ugly dyke home, and regret it the next morning. Healthy, long-term relationships do not start with Tiffany you picked up at the club after one too many appletinis.
Alex walks into the bar looking for that hot cop friend of hers.
“Alex over here!” yelled Olivia. Alex look towards the sound and seen Olivia waving at her. Alex slowly makes her way over there.
I think we just stepped into a time warp where past, present, and future have simultaneously melded into an interdimensional time rift.
Oh. Wait. No. That’s just bad grammar.
“Hey guys” said Alex
“Long time no see counselor.” said Much
Who the fuck is MUCH?
“Yeah I know.” said Alex while sitting down next to Olivia.
“Hey Alex you want anything to drink?” asked Olivia
“Yeah how about just a beer.” replied Alex as she got up to let out Olivia.
“Ok one beer coming up.” said Olivia while standing up and walking towards the bar.
“Ok you guys I need to tell Olivia how I feel tonight, what do you think is the best way to do that?” asked Alex
“Well you could go up there and just tell her.” said the guys
“Umm.. Ok that was a big help.” said Alex
“Hey Alex, here is your beer” said Olivia while handing Alex her drink.
“Thanks” replied Alex while grabbing the drink and moving over so Olivia can sit down.
A great slow song came on. “Um.. Olivia do u want to dance?” asked Alex
Oh, sweet god no… that’s it. My Purple Dildo of Literary Justice is insufficient for this shit!fic. I’m pulling out the Pink Butt Plug of Literary Vengeance.
“Sure I would love to!” replied Olivia. Alex took her hand in hers and led them out to the dance floor. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and Alex wrapped hers around Olivia’s neck. Olivia pulled Alex close and whispered “ I love you”
Alex let out a low gasp only Olivia could here. Olivia thought she was being rejected and let go of Alex to walk away but Alex tighten her grip on Olivia’s neck and brought her closer and whispered “ I love you too don’t ever leave me again.”
Whoa, Mary.
Olivia lightly placed her lips on Alex. A shock went through them as their kiss became more passionate.
The guys could see everything that was going on. “So who thinks Alex told her or Olivia told her how they felt first?” asked Elliot
“I think Olivia did” all the guys replied in unison. As they watched Alex and Olivia continue to dance, holding each other close.
Who the fuck cares? Why is this passage even included? Who cares what the guys think. Is this the author’s lame attempt at humor? If so, not only did she fall into an abyssal well of FAIL, but she fell into an abyssal well of FAIL, and then a backhoe of FAIL filled the well with half a ton of FAIL!concrete.
JESUS!
“Do you want to get out of here?” asked Alex
“I would love to.” replied Olivia
“Lets go to my place it is closer.” replied Alex
Let’s not because I don’t think I can handle any more of this. I am not insured, and I can’t pay for therapy and this is bordering on traumatic for me.
“That’s fine with me, the sooner I get you alone the better.” said Olivia as she kissed Alex’s neck. Alex let out a low moan and quickly grabbed Olivia’s hand and ran out the club’s door. About ten minutes later they where at Alex’s door. Alex was trying to get her keys into the lock to open the door but Olivia kept on sucking and licking at her neck. ‘God she really needs to stop that, I can not concentrate’ thought Alex. Alex finally got the keys into the lock and pushed open the door, she grabbed Olivia’s hand and led them into her apartment.
Alex couldn’t get it in the hole. Shocker.
“ You have a beautiful place here Alex.” said Olivia as she looked around the calm look of Alex apartment.
“Thanks, I love the calm feeling it has to it, it helps me relax.” replied Alex
“Hey can we sit and talk for a little bit” asked Olivia
Oh… so Olivia couldn’t keep her hands and grubby little lips off Alex long enough for her to open up the door, but now she wants to talk.
Let me gaze deeply into my crystal ball of douchefuckery… yes… yes… I see it… I see sentimental bullshit served with a heaping side of mushy of professions of love and pent up desires, a lot of gazing and sweet nothings about how one of them is everything to the other (ie, you’re my world, I’m nothing without you, blah blah blah.)… perhaps some tears of joy… Wait… there’s more! I see… a crappily written sex scene with lots of professions of love, delicate folds, followed by more empty adorations with no hint of actual emotion.
Let’s see if y’all can start calling me Miss Cleo.
“Sure, whatever you want” said Alex as she took Olivia’s hand and led them over to the dark blue couch and sat both of them down.
“Alex, I really do love you so much. I love you so much it hurts seeing you with other people who are not me.” said Olivia. “ I really do want this relationship but I don’t want to rush you into anything you don’t want to do.”
Bingo.
“Olivia, sweetheart, I love you too and it kills me seeing you going out there and putting your life in danger to keep the city safe but that’s your job and I understand that but it still worries me that you might not come back to see me one day.” replied Alex while she grabbed Olivia’s face in-between her pale hands. “ I don’t want you to hold back I want you and all of you , I am ready to make love to you. I was ready when I first saw you”
So far so good…
Olivia looked into Alex’s eyes and seen nothing but truth and love for her. Olivia took Alex face in her hands and put her lips on Alex’s. Alex let out a moan into the kiss. ’God damn this woman can kiss’ thought Alex.
Okay, so no tears, but I wasn’t sure on that. The rest was spot on so far.
“Where is the bedroom?” asked Olivia
“Second door on the left.” answered Alex. Olivia picked up Alex and Alex automatically put her legs around Olivia’s waist.
“God you make me so happy.” said Olivia as she slowly walked to the bedroom.
“I bet, you make my life worth living.” replied Alex as she claimed Olivia’s lips. Olivia moaned into the kiss.
That’s it. I’m going to start speaking with a fake Jamaican accent and charging 3.99 a minute.
Alex claimed those lips! Those are her lips goddammit. Kind of the way Christopher Columbus claimed this land… yadda yadda. I don’t mind figurative writing as long as it is… not fucked up. But just saying “Alex claimed Olivia’s lips” is jarring and there is no way for me to take it anyway but literally.
Evidently, she had a flag.
Olivia slowly and lightly laid Alex on the bed. She began to lightly suck and lick Alex’s neck. Alex’s hands found their way into Olivia’s hair. Alex could feel Olivia’s hands traveling down to the hem of her shirt. Alex whispered a light yes to Olivia giving her permission to take off her shirt. Olivia slowly lifted Alex’s shirt only stopping sucking on her neck to get the shirt completely off. Olivia threw the shirt somewhere in the room.
I thought Olivia and Alex were supposed to be adults for fuck’s sake. Not horny, uncertain teenagers playing hide the pinky. They’ve already established they were going to fuck like rabbits on Ritalin, why the hell is Olivia asking permission to get naked to do it? Is she going to ask permission with every article of clothing?
Olivia: How about your pants?
Alex: Yes.
Olivia: The left sock?
Alex: Yes.
Olivia: And the right sock?
Alex: That’s pushing it way too far! What do you think I am, some sort of cheap hussy?
Alex’s hands went to Olivia’s shirt and Olivia lifted her arms in the air so Alex could easily take her shirt off. Alex gasped as she seen the scars that Olivia had on her stomach and shoulders.
“ Oh my god, look at all these scars, baby I’m so sorry.” said Alex as she lightly brushed her fingers over all the scars.
Way to kill the mood, Alex. Damn. It’s a good thing lesbians don’t have penises (penisi?) because they would be limp and flaccid right about now.
“Its ok, its all over and down with, I want to make you feel special” said Olivia as she took Alex’s hands into hers and kissed Alex’s hands.
“God this is what I love about you” said Alex while brushing her hand across Olivia’s cheek. “You never think of yourself first, you always think of others.”
Olivia takes Alex’s hand and lightly kisses it. “You mean so much to me, of course I’m going to put you first” said Olivia
“Just make love to me now you fool.” said Alex while capturing Olivia’s mouth.
Fail. Epic. Colossal. Stupefying. Fail.
I haven’t seen fail on this scale since the United Nation’s FAIL to intervene during the Rwandan genocide.
Before you get your politically correct knickers in a wad, I’m not saying that this fic is so deplorable that it is the equivalent of standing by and allowing genocide to take place. What I am saying is that this fic actually killed thousands of innocent Rwandans.
Couple hours later……
Alex had her head on Olivia’s neck. Alex lightly kissed it, Olivia sucked in her breath.
“Now none of that, I’m tired and I don’t want to get all wet because you insist on kissing my neck” said Olivia.
“Awwww… but it’s fun.” said Alex.
“Lets get some sleep, then maybe I will reward you tomorrow.” said Olivia while giving Alex a kiss upon her lips.
“Mmmm.. Sounds good, good night my love” said Alex.
This is why I can’t bear this fandom anymore. The vast majority of “writers” in this fandom have turned Alex and Olivia into high school age kids. Fuck it.
Next Morning.
Alex was the first one to wake up. She had her head on Olivia’s shoulder, right by her neck. Alex lightly began to kiss it. Olivia let out a low moan.
Olivia turned towards Alex, “Good morning.” said Olivia.
“Mmmm…. Good morning to you too.” replied Alex. “Do you want to know something?” asked Alex
“Sure, what is it?” replied Olivia
“You really have sexy bed head.” said Alex
“Aww.. Thank you.” replied Olivia.
Sorry to for you leaving u guys on a cliff but I need reviews before I get the next chapter up!!
All in all, I almost believe this might just be the Holy Grail of shit!fic. I can’t find a single positive thing to say about it. In fact, it left me wholly disturbed down to the soles of my sensible lesbian shoes. (Timberlakes, in case you were wondering.)
It was so awful, that none of the words I have in my extensive vocabulary could even approximate my feelings surrounding this fic. So, as I do when words fail me, I make my own.
Not only was this fic fail, but I found it to be a complete catastrophe of any sort of effort. It was worse than shit. Therefore, I like to deem this fic a “fucktastrophe.”
A fucktastrophe is defined as any fic that qualifies as a shit!fic, but deserves its own special ranking. This fic wasn’t just bad, it was offensive. I am actually insulted at the audacity of this author and this fic. Did she actually believe that I would read her non-existent characterizations, lame attempts at plot, predictable sequence of events, and her utter lack of basic grammar, and gush her praises?
Did she really think that I, as her reader, was so stupid that I would accept any old lame, half-ass attempt at fic she shat out? This fic was an insult to my intelligence. I am deeply, genuinely offended that this author had the audacity to post this fucktastrophe that flies in the face of everything that is good and decent in the literary world.
How dare she have the audacity to post this and attempt to blackmail us for reviews, as if we are supposed to be grateful for her benevolent literary endeavors, as if we should be groveling at her feet for her to post another installment of this SHIT.
That’s like me dropping a fuck ton of bubonic plague on a third world country and demanding they praise and thank me for it before I drop a bushel of Zaire Ebola on them.
Mostly, I feel pity and contempt for the “authors” of shit!fic. Occasionally, it will border on disgust and incredulity. This time, with this fic, and this author… I actually feel burning, seething, unbearable hate. I would actually punch this “author” in the face were she ever to cross my path. No, fuck that! I would knock the wind out of her and steal her first edition Twilight books and burn her rainbow shoelaces.
That’s how much this fic pissed me off.
I’m going to sell opiates to school children. Fuck this.
In Love
Alex/Olivia find each other attractive to the other one but can’t tell each other. Will they get the courage to tell each other what they are feeling. Femslash
Whoa whoa whoa there, Sparky. This is only the summary and already I can tell that this fic is going to be awarded the sacred tome of grammar!fail.
Sucky summary but good story.
Well, the author is half right.
The hall to the SVU unit was empty and quiet. All was heard was a loud clicking sound of high heels heading to Cargen’s office. Alex the head ADA for the SVU walked by Olivia one of the strongest cops in New York and gave Olivia one of her famous smiles.
Who is Cargen and why is he in this story?
Usually the grammatical error of choice is unnecessary, excessive use of commas. In this case, the author has forgone the use of punctuation at all. I feel this compulsive need to go through this story line by line and correct all these errors.
‘God what if she knew what she did to me when she gives me that smile’ thought Olivia as she felt herself get a little wet. She let her eyes wonder down to the ADA nice ass but was interrupted when Elliot cleared his throat.
How does one let their eyes “wonder” down to someone’s ass? I am asking. Really people.
And do I even need to mention the fact that Olivia gets wet from a smile? Damn but Olivia Benson is easy. But I should already know that seeing as how she has been slashed with about every female in every fandom imaginable, regardless of whether the pairing even made any sense.
“What?” asked Olivia
“Quit starring at her ass we need to move just got a case in” said Elliot while grabbing his coat off his chair.
“I can’t help it just look her, ever since I first laid eyes on her I feel in love her.” said Olivia as she put on her coat. Everyone knew that she was in love with Alex well everyone but Alex.
Ah! Thank you sweet father god. A comma. I was beginning to think that the author of this was a speaker of some foreign tongue that did not acknowledge the use of punctuation. No… no… I just checked. This author is indeed from the United States so there is no excuse for her woeful disrespect of the highly esteemed comma.
“Hey Cargen, Do you have anything for me?” asked Alex
“No it’s been pretty quiet, but I just sent Elliot and Olivia on a case. A twelve year old just got raped by her dad.” said Cargen.
“Ok, if you have anything just send Olivia with the news.” said Alex as she walked out of his office.
“Man I hate when she does that, just walks out without saying good bye.” said Cargen with a chuckle.
Cargen. Cargen. CARGEN. I am assuming that Cargen is an original character and not that the author misspelled “Cragen,” especially since “Cargen” bears no resemblance to the somewhat surly, deliberate Captain Cragen that we all know and love.
With Olivia and Elliot
Is this a chapter note? A chapter title? A subtitle? What? Granted, while the author might not have the mental capability to realize that scenes have changed, the rest of us do have the average intelligence of a retarded weevil.
Elliot pulled up to a apartment and got out of the car. “I’m just saying you should just tell her how you feel, it will be so much easier on you and your work.” said Elliot
“Wait, you’re saying my work is suffering because of her?” asked Olivia
“Yeah, that’s what I’m pretty much saying.” answered Elliot as he knocked on the door .
No, we are all suffering. Olivia, her work, the characters of this story, the readers, we are all suffering from this exercise in fuckery.
A middle aged woman answered the door.
“Can I help you?” asked the women
“Hello mama, I am detective Stabler and this is detective Benson, and we are here about a rape that was reported by your twelve year old daughter.” said Elliot
Mama? Is this Stabler’s mother or is he channeling the mobster character that Chris Meloni played in Bound?
“Umm.. Yes ok come in Detectives.” said the woman. “By the way I’m Nicole.” said the woman why holding her hand out to the detectives. Both shock her hand. “My husband has been acting weird and I asked him what was wrong and he told me not to worry about it, then my little girl came up to me and told me that daddy had touched her wrong I wasn’t happy so I kicked him out and called you guys” finished Nicole.
“Where is your husband now Nicole.” asked Olivia
“I think he went to the bar down the road.” said Nicole.
“We will be in touch we are going to pick him up rightnow, here is my card call if you need anything.” said Elliot.
“Thank you Detectives” said Nicole.
A couple minutes later Olivia and Elliot picked up there guy and he confessed to everything he did to his daughter and they locked him up.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I… I… I need to go set the kettle on before I even attempt to deal with this passage.
I’m sorry. I just needed a moment to mentally prepare for handling this passage because this completely broadsided me. I should have probably explained this beforehand, but I haven’t actually read this shit!fic. I had it on good authority that this was shit!fic and immediately started reviewing without even reading it. And I did not foresee that someone could actually write something so gods’ awfully bad, that it would leave me speechless.
This is a sad day.
I think I might have found something easier than Olivia Benson, and that is this plot. Rather than be bothered with anything difficult, like say… an interesting or realistic storyline, I’m betting that this little clusterfuck right here was a vessel in which to carry the real meat and potatoes of this story: a little epic sheet time with the two ladies.
Nothing in life is this easy except maybe my ex-girlfriend. First of all, what mother would be so calm about her husband raping her daughter? And give the author a prize for mistress of understatement “… told me her daddy touched her wrong I wasn’t happy so…”
“Not happy” is what I am when my girlfriend eats the last of the oreos. “Not happy” is what I am when my cat wakes me up by gnawing on my face. “Not happy” is what I am when I have to unexpectedly change the batteries in the vibrator. “Not happy” is not what one is when their daughter is raped by their fucking spouse.
And hello? Since when do they not interview the victim? They are just going to take hearsay as gospel and go arrest some guy for raping his daughter and potentially fuck up his life forever? This is not the Soviet Union or communist China. I do believe we still have something called probable cause and due process here.
I feel like I am beating a realism horse to death here. In the real world, the mother would have hysterically confronted her husband. And he a) would have beaten the shit out of her and/or the daughter and left or b) left and run far, far away. Not to the fucking bar down the street.
Has anyone seen the new Brink’s Home security commercials? (Here’s the link, if you haven’t: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wkr0-nVwmQY) There is one that I find pretty realistic until the end. Finally! A security commercial that isn’t some random white guy jogging around the neighborhood and kicking in doors. This is what happens in the real world. It’s the crazy stalker ex busting down your door! But in the real world, he doesn’t leave when the alarm sounds. He runs in, beats you fucking unconscious, and then runs before the cops can get there.
Why did the author even BOTHER attempting to have a plot? Are we supposed to be wowed by her story construction? “Oh, this isn’t just a smut fic, she attempted to have a plot.” Well, try ain’t good enough, sweetheart. If you want a story to have a plot, don’t half-ass it because it just makes you seem pathetic. Not to mention it makes the story appear as though it’s some thinly veiled excuse for the author to write out her own sexual fantasies, which makes it even more pathetic.
“Well that was an easy case, lets go out for drinks.” said Elliot
“Ok, lets call Alex so she can come too” said Olivia
“Hello” answered a woman on the answered.
Huh?
“Hey Alex it’s Olivia, I’m just wondering if you want to go with us to grab some drinks at the club?” asked Olivia.
“Yeah that would be great, I will meet you there.” said Alex.
At the Club
Fuck. Another chapter or whatever. Let me state for the record here… with very few exceptions, I cannot take a fic seriously if it is set in a club. You don’t go to the club to start a healthy, well-adjusted relationship. You go to the club to get hammered, take some ugly dyke home, and regret it the next morning. Healthy, long-term relationships do not start with Tiffany you picked up at the club after one too many appletinis.
Alex walks into the bar looking for that hot cop friend of hers.
“Alex over here!” yelled Olivia. Alex look towards the sound and seen Olivia waving at her. Alex slowly makes her way over there.
I think we just stepped into a time warp where past, present, and future have simultaneously melded into an interdimensional time rift.
Oh. Wait. No. That’s just bad grammar.
“Hey guys” said Alex
“Long time no see counselor.” said Much
Who the fuck is MUCH?
“Yeah I know.” said Alex while sitting down next to Olivia.
“Hey Alex you want anything to drink?” asked Olivia
“Yeah how about just a beer.” replied Alex as she got up to let out Olivia.
“Ok one beer coming up.” said Olivia while standing up and walking towards the bar.
“Ok you guys I need to tell Olivia how I feel tonight, what do you think is the best way to do that?” asked Alex
“Well you could go up there and just tell her.” said the guys
“Umm.. Ok that was a big help.” said Alex
“Hey Alex, here is your beer” said Olivia while handing Alex her drink.
“Thanks” replied Alex while grabbing the drink and moving over so Olivia can sit down.
A great slow song came on. “Um.. Olivia do u want to dance?” asked Alex
Oh, sweet god no… that’s it. My Purple Dildo of Literary Justice is insufficient for this shit!fic. I’m pulling out the Pink Butt Plug of Literary Vengeance.
“Sure I would love to!” replied Olivia. Alex took her hand in hers and led them out to the dance floor. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and Alex wrapped hers around Olivia’s neck. Olivia pulled Alex close and whispered “ I love you”
Alex let out a low gasp only Olivia could here. Olivia thought she was being rejected and let go of Alex to walk away but Alex tighten her grip on Olivia’s neck and brought her closer and whispered “ I love you too don’t ever leave me again.”
Whoa, Mary.
Olivia lightly placed her lips on Alex. A shock went through them as their kiss became more passionate.
The guys could see everything that was going on. “So who thinks Alex told her or Olivia told her how they felt first?” asked Elliot
“I think Olivia did” all the guys replied in unison. As they watched Alex and Olivia continue to dance, holding each other close.
Who the fuck cares? Why is this passage even included? Who cares what the guys think. Is this the author’s lame attempt at humor? If so, not only did she fall into an abyssal well of FAIL, but she fell into an abyssal well of FAIL, and then a backhoe of FAIL filled the well with half a ton of FAIL!concrete.
JESUS!
“Do you want to get out of here?” asked Alex
“I would love to.” replied Olivia
“Lets go to my place it is closer.” replied Alex
Let’s not because I don’t think I can handle any more of this. I am not insured, and I can’t pay for therapy and this is bordering on traumatic for me.
“That’s fine with me, the sooner I get you alone the better.” said Olivia as she kissed Alex’s neck. Alex let out a low moan and quickly grabbed Olivia’s hand and ran out the club’s door. About ten minutes later they where at Alex’s door. Alex was trying to get her keys into the lock to open the door but Olivia kept on sucking and licking at her neck. ‘God she really needs to stop that, I can not concentrate’ thought Alex. Alex finally got the keys into the lock and pushed open the door, she grabbed Olivia’s hand and led them into her apartment.
Alex couldn’t get it in the hole. Shocker.
“ You have a beautiful place here Alex.” said Olivia as she looked around the calm look of Alex apartment.
“Thanks, I love the calm feeling it has to it, it helps me relax.” replied Alex
“Hey can we sit and talk for a little bit” asked Olivia
Oh… so Olivia couldn’t keep her hands and grubby little lips off Alex long enough for her to open up the door, but now she wants to talk.
Let me gaze deeply into my crystal ball of douchefuckery… yes… yes… I see it… I see sentimental bullshit served with a heaping side of mushy of professions of love and pent up desires, a lot of gazing and sweet nothings about how one of them is everything to the other (ie, you’re my world, I’m nothing without you, blah blah blah.)… perhaps some tears of joy… Wait… there’s more! I see… a crappily written sex scene with lots of professions of love, delicate folds, followed by more empty adorations with no hint of actual emotion.
Let’s see if y’all can start calling me Miss Cleo.
“Sure, whatever you want” said Alex as she took Olivia’s hand and led them over to the dark blue couch and sat both of them down.
“Alex, I really do love you so much. I love you so much it hurts seeing you with other people who are not me.” said Olivia. “ I really do want this relationship but I don’t want to rush you into anything you don’t want to do.”
Bingo.
“Olivia, sweetheart, I love you too and it kills me seeing you going out there and putting your life in danger to keep the city safe but that’s your job and I understand that but it still worries me that you might not come back to see me one day.” replied Alex while she grabbed Olivia’s face in-between her pale hands. “ I don’t want you to hold back I want you and all of you , I am ready to make love to you. I was ready when I first saw you”
So far so good…
Olivia looked into Alex’s eyes and seen nothing but truth and love for her. Olivia took Alex face in her hands and put her lips on Alex’s. Alex let out a moan into the kiss. ’God damn this woman can kiss’ thought Alex.
Okay, so no tears, but I wasn’t sure on that. The rest was spot on so far.
“Where is the bedroom?” asked Olivia
“Second door on the left.” answered Alex. Olivia picked up Alex and Alex automatically put her legs around Olivia’s waist.
“God you make me so happy.” said Olivia as she slowly walked to the bedroom.
“I bet, you make my life worth living.” replied Alex as she claimed Olivia’s lips. Olivia moaned into the kiss.
That’s it. I’m going to start speaking with a fake Jamaican accent and charging 3.99 a minute.
Alex claimed those lips! Those are her lips goddammit. Kind of the way Christopher Columbus claimed this land… yadda yadda. I don’t mind figurative writing as long as it is… not fucked up. But just saying “Alex claimed Olivia’s lips” is jarring and there is no way for me to take it anyway but literally.
Evidently, she had a flag.
Olivia slowly and lightly laid Alex on the bed. She began to lightly suck and lick Alex’s neck. Alex’s hands found their way into Olivia’s hair. Alex could feel Olivia’s hands traveling down to the hem of her shirt. Alex whispered a light yes to Olivia giving her permission to take off her shirt. Olivia slowly lifted Alex’s shirt only stopping sucking on her neck to get the shirt completely off. Olivia threw the shirt somewhere in the room.
I thought Olivia and Alex were supposed to be adults for fuck’s sake. Not horny, uncertain teenagers playing hide the pinky. They’ve already established they were going to fuck like rabbits on Ritalin, why the hell is Olivia asking permission to get naked to do it? Is she going to ask permission with every article of clothing?
Olivia: How about your pants?
Alex: Yes.
Olivia: The left sock?
Alex: Yes.
Olivia: And the right sock?
Alex: That’s pushing it way too far! What do you think I am, some sort of cheap hussy?
Alex’s hands went to Olivia’s shirt and Olivia lifted her arms in the air so Alex could easily take her shirt off. Alex gasped as she seen the scars that Olivia had on her stomach and shoulders.
“ Oh my god, look at all these scars, baby I’m so sorry.” said Alex as she lightly brushed her fingers over all the scars.
Way to kill the mood, Alex. Damn. It’s a good thing lesbians don’t have penises (penisi?) because they would be limp and flaccid right about now.
“Its ok, its all over and down with, I want to make you feel special” said Olivia as she took Alex’s hands into hers and kissed Alex’s hands.
“God this is what I love about you” said Alex while brushing her hand across Olivia’s cheek. “You never think of yourself first, you always think of others.”
Olivia takes Alex’s hand and lightly kisses it. “You mean so much to me, of course I’m going to put you first” said Olivia
“Just make love to me now you fool.” said Alex while capturing Olivia’s mouth.
Fail. Epic. Colossal. Stupefying. Fail.
I haven’t seen fail on this scale since the United Nation’s FAIL to intervene during the Rwandan genocide.
Before you get your politically correct knickers in a wad, I’m not saying that this fic is so deplorable that it is the equivalent of standing by and allowing genocide to take place. What I am saying is that this fic actually killed thousands of innocent Rwandans.
Couple hours later……
Alex had her head on Olivia’s neck. Alex lightly kissed it, Olivia sucked in her breath.
“Now none of that, I’m tired and I don’t want to get all wet because you insist on kissing my neck” said Olivia.
“Awwww… but it’s fun.” said Alex.
“Lets get some sleep, then maybe I will reward you tomorrow.” said Olivia while giving Alex a kiss upon her lips.
“Mmmm.. Sounds good, good night my love” said Alex.
This is why I can’t bear this fandom anymore. The vast majority of “writers” in this fandom have turned Alex and Olivia into high school age kids. Fuck it.
Next Morning.
Alex was the first one to wake up. She had her head on Olivia’s shoulder, right by her neck. Alex lightly began to kiss it. Olivia let out a low moan.
Olivia turned towards Alex, “Good morning.” said Olivia.
“Mmmm…. Good morning to you too.” replied Alex. “Do you want to know something?” asked Alex
“Sure, what is it?” replied Olivia
“You really have sexy bed head.” said Alex
“Aww.. Thank you.” replied Olivia.
Sorry to for you leaving u guys on a cliff but I need reviews before I get the next chapter up!!
All in all, I almost believe this might just be the Holy Grail of shit!fic. I can’t find a single positive thing to say about it. In fact, it left me wholly disturbed down to the soles of my sensible lesbian shoes. (Timberlakes, in case you were wondering.)
It was so awful, that none of the words I have in my extensive vocabulary could even approximate my feelings surrounding this fic. So, as I do when words fail me, I make my own.
Not only was this fic fail, but I found it to be a complete catastrophe of any sort of effort. It was worse than shit. Therefore, I like to deem this fic a “fucktastrophe.”
A fucktastrophe is defined as any fic that qualifies as a shit!fic, but deserves its own special ranking. This fic wasn’t just bad, it was offensive. I am actually insulted at the audacity of this author and this fic. Did she actually believe that I would read her non-existent characterizations, lame attempts at plot, predictable sequence of events, and her utter lack of basic grammar, and gush her praises?
Did she really think that I, as her reader, was so stupid that I would accept any old lame, half-ass attempt at fic she shat out? This fic was an insult to my intelligence. I am deeply, genuinely offended that this author had the audacity to post this fucktastrophe that flies in the face of everything that is good and decent in the literary world.
How dare she have the audacity to post this and attempt to blackmail us for reviews, as if we are supposed to be grateful for her benevolent literary endeavors, as if we should be groveling at her feet for her to post another installment of this SHIT.
That’s like me dropping a fuck ton of bubonic plague on a third world country and demanding they praise and thank me for it before I drop a bushel of Zaire Ebola on them.
Mostly, I feel pity and contempt for the “authors” of shit!fic. Occasionally, it will border on disgust and incredulity. This time, with this fic, and this author… I actually feel burning, seething, unbearable hate. I would actually punch this “author” in the face were she ever to cross my path. No, fuck that! I would knock the wind out of her and steal her first edition Twilight books and burn her rainbow shoelaces.
That’s how much this fic pissed me off.
I’m going to sell opiates to school children. Fuck this.