Paper Heart 3/4

[thesockmonster]

Jongin doesn't see Luhan again for a while, which makes it easier on her and her heart. She can forget, for a while at least; she can pretend that everything is as it should be even if her sweaters are growing tighter around her middle. Her child is growing and Jongin does her best to keep up. Her nausea has given way to hunger although she can't eat as much at a time as she used to.

Yixing dotes on her, passing Jongin extra snacks during the day without being asked and Jongin is always thankful. She presses her face to Yixing's hair, an arm slung around her waist in thanks and Yixing smiles, patting Jongin's bump. They're all busy with last minute orders for Christmas flyers and Jongin can't think when she's so focused on her job.

Or at least she can focus on her job until Luhan comes walking in, looking just as devastatingly gorgeous as she always does. Jongin lets out a longing sigh as Yixing rushes to intercept Luhan before she can get far. She bites the inside of her cheek, watching as Luhan rolls her eyes when she explains that Tao now wants leopard print on his cards because stripes are on their way out.

Jongin's heart does this thing where it wants to take control of Jongin's vocal cords so she can call out for Luhan to come over; she wants to tell Luhan every little thing she makes her feel - how her heart beats faster, how her stomach fills with fluttering butterflies, how her fingers ache with the desire to touch her.

Jongin ends up leaving before Luhan emerges, stealing one last look behind her. Kyungsoo is waiting for her by his car, ready to take her to her appointment. She feels like her entire body is on pins and needles, her feet tapping and hands jittery. Kyungsoo is there, helping keep her steady.

Usually she wouldn't be so nervous, but she’s going to see her baby for the first time today.

The nerves only get worse when she's lying on the table, gripping Kyungsoo's hand tight enough to turn his fingers white. But she can't let go. Baekhyun is thorough, telling her to brace for the coldness of the gel and pushing firm against her belly. It's a little weird now how much it stands out when she's lying flat.

She chokes up at the first image, the following ones blurring as she cries. She has a perfectly healthy baby according to Baekhyun. "Would you like to know the gender?"

Jongin's nodding before the question is fully asked and Baekhyun is smiling, nudging the baby bump around to find the right spot. It feels odd. She hasn't really felt the baby moving before, but she does now. It's amazing.

"It's a boy."

Jongin cries harder, clutching at Kyungsoo as he cries with her. She's going to have a little boy and he's going to be the most loved baby in the world. She promises him that, cradling her belly even after Kyungsoo's taken her home.

He's cooking in her pitiful kitchen, grumbling about the lack of proper pots and Jongin is sitting on her couch, knees to her chest and a hand pressed between to cushion her bump. She's going to have to think of a name.

She wonders how much of herself there will be in him. Jongin smiles, resting her forehead on her knees as she stares down at her belly. "My precious boy." Now that she knows what it feels like, she can tell when he moves and she pokes the side of her bump where the fluttering is, grinning.

“A few people,” Chanyeol had said. “A small get together.”

Jongin stares at a sea of unfamiliar faces all crammed in Chanyeol’s apartment for his not-party and sighs. She understands his need for socializing and wanting to invite everyone he’s ever met in passing to his birthday gathering, but it’s entirely not Jongin’s scene. She finds herself standing near a corner, fidgeting as she stares down at her navy sweater because she’s not sure if it hides her bump well enough or if she’s obvious.

Yixing had told her earlier that she was still fine, but warned Jongin that it wouldn’t be long before it was too obvious to hide. Jongin had had a momentary lapse in breathing that Yixing had helped her through. She promised to be there for Jongin when she had to bite the bullet, but that time is not tonight. Not at all.

Yixing is somewhere in the mix, attached to her date - Minseok. Jongin finally got to meet him officially and he’d made a nice first impression for all of the thirty seconds it took for introductions. Then Yixing was dragging him away. Jongin was amused at the smitten expression on his face.

Jongin doesn’t have a great vantage point from where she is, but that’s alright with her. She’s only planning on sticking around another few minutes before hunting down Chanyeol to let him know she’s leaving. She’s not looking forward to wedging herself into the crowd though and wonders if texting him from across the room would be considered rude.

“There you are!”

Jongin startles, attention pulled from her half-typed text as Luhan appears in front of her. Her hand drops, phone sliding into her pocket as she smiles at Luhan, “Hey, where else would I be?”

“Hiding at home?” Luhan suggests. “I know this isn’t your thing,” she adds, waving her hand at the crowd of people. “But I’m glad you’re here.”

Jongin tries not to seem too pleased, offering Luhan a soft smile, “I’m just glad someone I know is here. Yixing abandoned me in favor of showing off her date.”

“Ah, Minseok,” Luhan says. “Yeah, met him already. Didn’t leave much of an impression, but that’s probably because Yixing was dragging him around.”

Jongin nods knowingly, “You won’t abandon me, will you?”

Luhan steps closer, smiling and reaching to take Jongin’s hand. “Never.”

Jongin’s eyes dart to Luhan’s mouth, her tongue smoothing over her lips without thinking. She aches to lean in and kiss her and it takes So Much not to.

“Let’s move before we get smushed into the corner,” Luhan suggests. Her voice is low, but Jongin hears it perfectly over the din of the crowd. She nods and allows Luhan to tug her through Chanyeol’s guests and toward a less saturated area. Jongin keeps her attention on Luhan’s back, her other arm held protectively in front of her belly just in case.

Jongin lets Luhan lead her until a door shuts and Jongin is engulfed in darkness. They’re in the dark. In a closet. Jongin’s heart beats wildly and she backs up against the door, her free hand fumbling to find the knob.

“Wait, please,” Luhan pleads and the tone of her voice stops Jongin.

Luhan feels for Jongin’s wrists and she holds both of Jongin’s hands now. Jongin can sense her standing close, head fogging from the proximity. She can hear how loud she’s breathing and she slips down the door a little before her shoes knock against Luhan’s to keep her in place.

“I’m sorry for doing this, but it’s easier if I can’t see you looking at me,” Luhan gets out in a whispered rush.

Jongin nearly whimpers, worrying her lip in her teeth as her heart hammers in her chest and her stomach twists with nerves. This isn’t good for her health. She needs to get out of here, but Luhan.

“I know you were afraid,” she begins, ignoring the way Jongin gasps. “We weren’t together long, but we were so great when we were.” Luhan leans forward, her fingers slotting easily in Jongin’s to squeeze. “I tried to get over you. It’s been two years and I still can’t. I just keep falling more for you and I need you to know.”

Jongin’s mouth opens, but nothing comes out. Her voice is gone, her emotions clogging her throat as she tries to speak.

“I see how you look at me. Please tell me I’m not imagining it. Please tell me I’m not fighting some one-sided love on my own.”

Jongin’s eyes flood with tears and she uses Luhan’s hold on her hands to pull Luhan closer. Luhan lets out a soft noise and Jongin follows it, too caught up in the moment to keep herself in control.

Nothing could have prepared her for the shock to her system when she kisses Luhan. Luhan’s mouth is warm and inviting, her lip fitting perfectly between Jongin’s. Luhan frees one of her hands to rest on Jongin’s cheek, sliding into her hair as she licks her way into Jongin’s mouth. Jongin could drown in Luhan’s kisses; she would willingly let herself be swept away with every touch of her lips, her hands, her body when she presses against Jongin’s front to pin her to the door.

It brings Jongin back to reality. Her baby bump is obvious between the two and it pains her when she pulls away, pushing Luhan back. “I can’t,” Jongin confesses, her voice cracking.

“Why?” Luhan demands, trying to get a stronger hold on Jongin’s arm.

Jongin tugs her arm free and fumbles for the knob, finally finding it. She feels like she’s suffocating and she just needs to get out.

"Jongin, why?" Luhan repeats. The desperation in her voice, knowing that Luhan is probably trying not to cry has Jongin feeling guilty and she swallows it down. "Please."

"I'm pregnant," Jongin blurts out. The door wedges open enough for her to slip out; the weak tug of Luhan's weight on the back of her sweater falls away and Jongin thinks she might fall. It takes a lot of will power to weave her way through all the smiling, laughing people and to the door.

Out in the hallway with the door shut behind her, the sounds of the not-party are reduced to a dull noise and Jongin's thoughts are left screaming at her. She kissed Luhan. But then she pushed her away.

Everything is all twisted up. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Jongin doesn't know what she's supposed to do now. She just outed herself to Luhan after kissing her. Luhan probably hates her now.

She sits on the bus, head resting on the window and eyes trained outside, but she sees none of it. She doesn't want to be that crazy crying lady again; there's only one other person on the bus aside from her this time though, so maybe she can get away with it.

She's never handled complications well. She struggled so hard to get her life right where she wanted it to be and now it's slipping through her fingers and falling out of reach. How is she supposed to scoop it all together again?

Her baby kicks lightly and Jongin pats over the area, sighing. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

She pulls out her phone, thinking about calling Kyungsoo, and notices her half-finished text to Chanyeol. By the time she finishes the message and hits send, she's talked herself out of calling up her best friend. He's been there for her so much lately that he needs a night off from Jongin duty. She feels guilty pulling him into all of this.

The panic has lessened by the time she gets to her apartment, settling in her bones as a constant dull sensation instead of simmering under the surface of her skin. She's listless when she walks inside, toeing off her shoes. Then she sits by the door and shimmies out of her jeans - jeans that she probably won't be able to fit into next week.

She is an adult. It's about time she started handling her problems without running to someone else to help. If she's going to be a parent, she needs to at least look like she knows what she's doing.

Jongin slips out of her sweater and into her favorite dingy gray tank top that used to fall loose around her. It rounds against her belly now and she gives her son another fond pat before pulling on a nice comfy pair of blue cotton pants. The elastic waist rests just under her bump unlike her jeans.

"It's just you and me kid," she tells her baby.

Jongin plucks her phone from her discarded jeans and thinks about ordering something for dinner. She hadn't eaten anything at Chanyeol's place and now that she's burning up all her energy worrying over all the mistakes that just keep piling up, she thinks she owes herself pizza. And something chocolate.

Jongin is on her way to the kitchen for the pizza place's number stuck on her refrigerator when she hears the knock on her door. She wrinkles her nose, setting her phone on the table on her way to answer it. It's probably Yixing coming to make sure she's alright.

Jongin opens the door, expecting a guilty looking Yixing, but what she gets is an apologetic Luhan who is holding a bucket of fried chicken in one hand and a bottle of sparkling grape juice in the other.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Luhan says, rocking back on her heels as if she's just waiting for Jongin to yell at her to go away.

Instead, Jongin just nods dumbly and pushes the door open enough for Luhan to come inside. Luhan scurries in, making her way right for Jongin's couch. She's rearranged the place some since the last time Luhan had visited - back when they were dating - but Luhan fixes it by dragging Jongin's coffee table back to its place in front of the couch.

Luhan's never had an issue making herself at home in someone else's place and she looks like she belongs when she settles in on a purple cushion and pats the empty one beside her. Jongin can't resist, even if she's all nerves again. She doesn't have her sweater as a shield and she knows it's obvious that she's pregnant now.

Jongin can feel Luhan's eyes on her when she walks over, sitting cautiously next to Luhan as much for herself as Luhan's comfort. She picks at a thread on her pants, too afraid to look at Luhan as her stomach clenches from nerves.

"Hey," Luhan says softly, reaching out to rest her hand over Jongin's. "If you don't want to talk, we don't have to. But I'm here if you do."

"I don't even know where to start," Jongin admits, leaning back to get more comfortable. She presses the heels of her palms to her eyes to keep from crying because she's done so much of that lately. She just wants to stop.

Luhan draws her hands away, looking at Jongin with such affection that Jongin does start crying. The sobs that she's been trying to keep down all evening now bubble to the surface and she lets Luhan pull her into her arms. She curls against her, holding on as Luhan pets through her hair. Jongin cries and cries and cries.

She mumbles an apology to Luhan's shirt after she lifts her head to find the entire area soaked. Luhan shakes her head, thumbs brushing under Jongin's eyes to catch the last of her tears. "Feel better?"

Jongin shrugs, letting out a soft laugh. "I don't know," she says. "But thank you. Everything's been so crazy and I can't keep up. I don't know what I'm doing."

"Well start with what you do know."

Jongin stares down at where Luhan's hand is resting on her thigh and she runs her fingers over Luhan's arm and down to her wrist. "I know that I'm afraid it's too late for us," Jongin sniffles and peers up at Luhan. "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize how much I care for you."

Luhan grasps Jongin's chin and tips her head up, "If you think I'm going anywhere then you must be crazy."

"But-"

"What? You think this," Luhan starts, her hand slipping carefully over Jongin's baby bump, "is going to scare me off? I'd have to be an idiot to leave the woman I love no matter what she's going through."

Jongin tries not to cry again, biting at her lower lip. "You love me?" she asks, unsure if Luhan had chosen the right word.

"Jongin, I've loved you for so long."

"I'm going to get so big and my emotional baggage is going to become physical baggage."

"And I'll still be here," Luhan answers. "I'm not promising it'll be easy, but I'm not going anywhere now that I've finally got you."

Jongin is definitely crying again, but she's also grinning. Luhan pulls her in for a kiss, arms around Jongin to hold her close. It feels surreal, like Jongin's going to wake up at any moment, alone in her bed and things still left unsaid. She cups Luhan's cheek, swiping softly with her thumb until Luhan leans in to kiss her again.

"You should eat before it gets cold."

Jongin would disagree, but she knows that Luhan is right. She'd been hungry earlier and now it's worse, so she carefully untangles enough of herself to get to the food. She refuses to let go of Luhan completely and Luhan seems just fine with it.

She doesn't even complain when Jongin nods off, too tired to move.

Jongin wakes up in the morning in her bed, momentarily worried until she feels the weight of Luhan's arm around her waist. She rolls over, sliding a leg over Luhan's and pushing her head beneath Luhan's chin. After denying herself of Luhan for so long, she's all about enjoying the moment now. Luhan is warm and she nuzzles closer to Jongin, humming softly because Jongin's managed to wake her up.

Sunlight spills through the curtains and Jongin knows she should probably get up because she has a very pressing bladder problem, but she doesn't want to move. Somehow it feels that if she leaves the safety of Luhan's arms, it will all disappear - Luhan will disappear. Nothing in Jongin's life has ever been this easy.

"Morning," Luhan mumbles.

A soft noise escapes Jongin as she winds her arm around Luhan's chest, fingers skating along the ridges of Luhan's spine over her shirt. Jongin's grinning when she tilts her head up to see Luhan smiling down at her. Luhan sweeps the hair from Jongin's face and leaves a kiss on her forehead. Jongin barely suppresses a squeal of excitement, her toes curling in the blankets instead.

There are any number of things that could go wrong; Jongin's not naive enough to think that she's somehow magically attained Happily Ever After, but this is a nice start. Her entire life is about to go through a much needed overhaul because of her baby, and this is the right time to add someone into it. She knows Luhan's dependable and that she'll be around to help because that's who she is. Jongin just doesn't think she deserves it after all this.

She gently peels herself out of Luhan's arms as Luhan frowns, trying to pull her back. Jongin laughs, nearly toppling onto the mattress, but she easily escapes Luhan's grip, promising that she's only going to the bathroom.

One look in the mirror tells Jongin that she's a mess. Her eyes are still red and puffy from the night before and her hair is a tangled disaster. She grimaces as she runs a brush through it while reaching for her toothbrush. There's no way she's leaving the bathroom until she's presentable. The last thing she needs is to scare Luhan away with her morning breath.

It's been a long time since Jongin's played host to someone who isn't Kyungsoo and she winds up tip-toeing her way into the kitchen so make sure she has food. Luhan is still in bed, sprawled out with her eyes closed and her mouth open. Jongin took a moment to coo over the sight before leaving her there to sleep.

When she opens her refrigerator, she makes a mental note to thank Kyungsoo for keeping it so well stocked with food that she can pull out for guests. Jongin only ever food shops for herself and Kyungsoo rags on her personal tastes all the time. She's been eating better for the baby, but mostly because Kyungsoo cooks for her all the time now.

Eggs are easy. Something simple that doesn't take long. Her stomach is gurgling already and she rubs it gently as she cracks open the first few eggs, scrambling them in the pan. As much as she'd enjoy crawling back in bed with Luhan, her precious little peanut comes first and he's hungry.

The eggs are just beginning to cook through when Jongin hears shuffling. She doesn't turn around, scraping the spatula along the bottom so nothing burns when Luhan's chest presses against her back. There's an arm around Jongin's waist, just above her bump, and Luhan rests her chin on Jongin's shoulder.

"Thought you were coming back to snuggle," Luhan pouts.

Jongin leans on Luhan as she cooks, content. Luhan watches, swaying a little as she wakes up. "Hey," she whispers, nose poking at Jongin's cheek. Her breath smells like Jongin's mouthwash. "I know I can be intense sometimes, especially when it comes to finally getting something I've been wanting for so long. So just tell me if it's too much and I'll back off, okay? We'll go at your pace."

The spatula clatters to the stove-top as Jongin turns, throwing her arms around Luhan's neck. She kisses her, pulling her as close as she can and grinning when Luhan kisses her back.

The eggs inevitably burn to the bottom of the pan and Luhan sits Jongin down and takes over. Jongin is content to watch, wondering how she'd earned such an incredible woman.

Their weekend is spent catching up, with Luhan sliding her fingers through Jongin’s hair and telling her all about Tao being a pain in the ass because he’s such a perfectionist. And Jongin gets to curl against Luhan, stealing kisses between sentences as she spills her worries. They don’t go out. Luhan settles in like she belongs and Jongin feels a bit of peace.

Leave it to Yixing to deck the office in exorbitant amounts of tinsel and festive lights to celebrate the upcoming holiday season. It's definitely cold enough outside to feel like Christmas is right around the corner and now Jongin's reminded of it when she steps inside the office. She's going to have nearly an entire month to get used to it before it all comes down.

Unless Chanyeol has his way.

He’s a cheerful guy, but he’s not into turning and finding tinsel in his face because he’s so much taller than Yixing and she hadn’t used more than a stepladder to put most of it up. Jongin heard him complaining that it looked like a rave nightmare earlier because Yixing had finally plugged in all the lights. And they blink. Out of sync with each other. Jongin kinda likes it.

She might be biased because Luhan walks in and the lights bathe her in these pretty colors that shine in her hair and sparkle in her eyes and Jongin is so very much head over heels that it’s ridiculous. “Hey Tao,” she says in passing, distracted because Luhan looks exceptionally kissable today in her cream sweater and coffee colored skinny jeans.

Something warm bubbles in Jongin’s chest when Luhan kisses her openly in front of everyone, the weight of Luhan’s arm settling around her to bring her in. “Hey,” Jongin murmurs against Luhan’s lips, unable to stop smiling.

“Good morning,” Luhan laughs, bumping the tip of her nose against Jongin’s. “I brought you breakfast.”

Jongin’s already eaten, but that’s not going to stop her from snacking during the day on the fantastic smelling croissants Luhan brought her. They’ll go great with the peppermint tea Yixing handed her this morning. Jongin had let an actual peppermint candy dissolve in it before drinking it and it was incredible.

Jongin tugs Luhan over to her desk where the food is set down so Luhan’s hands are free to run up Jongin’s sides over her violently purple sweater.

“Why is there mistletoe on every doorframe?” Chanyeol booms, eyeing the dangling plant warily as he decides against walking under it to get into the conference room.

Yixing grins, bouncing on her toes. “To help people like you,” she answers matter-of-factly.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” he gripes, turning to the side so he can skirt the mistletoe. Tao is very disappointed because he’d been poised to dart over in the off chance that Chanyeol had failed. He looks very put out and Yixing suggests that he stands under it instead, and hopes that Chanyeol gets the message.

“We had a photoshoot this morning,” Luhan says, her voice low, fingers sliding down Jongin’s cheek to tuck a few rogue strands of her hair behind her ear. “But now we’re free to do lunch.”

Jongin’s stomach twists, but she nods. She knows she probably looks ill, but that’s because they’d talked over the weekend; Jongin had decided it was time to tell everyone about her pregnancy and what better way to do it than when they’re all in one place so she only has to do it once. Luhan had promised to be by her side the entire time. She’d talked to Jongin about being belligerent over changing her lifestyle, but it was time. Jongin hadn’t necessarily been pleased to hear it, but she knew it was true.

She rubs over hand over her belly, humming lightly because her son is active this morning. He seems to have enjoyed the tea too and is behaving like a hyperactive little peanut. It makes her happy even if it can be distracting.

Luhan is subtle about placing her hand over where the baby is kicking. That’s pretty distracting too and Jongin is in a daze, off in her own world until Yixing is pulling Luhan away to go over Tao’s newest nitpicking over not wanting his holiday party invites to look Christmasy, but also look Christmasy. It’s mind boggling and Luhan rolls her eyes fondly as they all - Luhan, Yixing, Tao and Chanyeol because he’s still in there - close themselves in the conference room.

By the time they’ve all filed out of the office, Jongin’s hand secure in Luhan’s, Tao is sighing wistfully as he walks behind the rest of them. Or more specifically, behind Chanyeol. The poor guy has it bad and Jongin feels sorry for him. She knows how that feels and she gives him an apologetic look before Luhan draws her attention again.

“You two are so gross,” Yixing comments with a smile.

Luhan sticks her tongue out at her and Jongin laughs, enjoying the calm before the storm. She’s been pushing down her nerves all morning and it won’t be long before they all spill out all over the place. She clutches Luhan’s hand a bit tighter, smile strained when the group of them pile into a booth. Naturally, Tao makes sure he gets the spot beside Chanyeol. Jongin doesn’t mind much when she gets smushed near the window because it’s her, Luhan and Yixing on one side.

Chanyeol slides out in search of a chair and Tao sighs wistfully as he walks off toward one of the unoccupied tables.

“I still don’t know what it is you see in Chanyeol,” Yixing comments.

“Legs,” Tao responds automatically.

“But he’s practically an overgrown puppy,” Jongin supplies.

“With legs for days,” Tao adds. “I want them wrapped around me.”

Jongin shudders. “I’ve watched him spend five minutes picking the wax from his ears and inspecting it,” Jongin deadpans.

Tao shrugs. “No one’s perfect. Except Chanyeol’s legs. I need the gay fairy to bash him on the head with his glittery fucking wand so I can finally get my mouth on them.”

Jongin and Yixing both make gagging noises and Chanyeol raises an eyebrow at when he returns with a chair. Yixing takes the chair and sits at the end; Luhan doesn’t move far from Jongin even after, their hands linked and sitting comfortably on Luhan’s lap.

There's pleasant chatter all around, Jongin tuning most of it out. The waiter comes for their drink orders and they go in a circle, still sort of picking through the menu between conversations.

The nerves are starting to prickle and Jongin unintentionally squeezes Luhan's hand until Luhan is prying her fingers off and giving her a sympathetic look. She knows Jongin is afraid, but she's also assured Jongin that no one was going to look at her any differently. Rationally, Jongin knows she's right. But there's no room for rationality when Jongin feels panicky. She’d thought that by the time she was far enough along that she had to break the news, she wouldn't be so anxious about it.

She wishes Kyungsoo was here too so she'd have them both at her side.

Jongin worries her lip, letting the slow circles Luhan is rubbing over her hand with her thumb will help calm her down so she doesn't work herself up too much. Really, she's only telling two people - Tao and Chanyeol. Luhan knows. Yixing knows. It's a clear majority, so this should be easy peasy.

"You're quiet," Tao comments, reaching over to poke Jongin's hand with his wrapped straw. The waiter's just dropped off the drinks and taken their food orders, which means Jongin has to duck because Yixing is deadly accurate at blowing her straw wrapper.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something. You and Chanyeol."

At the sound of his name, Chanyeol stops mid-sentence, attention drawn from Yixing to Jongin. "You rang?"

"There's something you and Tao should know about me," Jongin begins, breathing out a deep breath as Luhan holds leans in closer for support. "I'm going to have a baby."

Tao sits back, wide-eyed as his gaze drops to Jongin's pouched stomach under her sweater.

"With Luhan?" Chanyeol blurts out, clearly confused. He turns to Luhan. "What did you do to Jongin?!"

Yixing and Tao both burst into laughter as Luhan stares at Chanyeol incredulously.

"It wasn't Luhan," Jongin says, attempting to keep a straight face. "I've been pregnant for a while now. Almost five months."

"Wait," Tao starts, holding out his arm over Chanyeol's chest to shut him up. "Was it that guy from the club? The tall one that looked like he was sculpted by the Gods?"

Jongin nods.

Tao whistles low. "Damn, you're gonna have a pretty baby. There's no way this kid isn't going to be attractive when it's swimming in both your gene pools."

"It's a boy," Jongin says, feeling far more relaxed now that the initial announcement is out in the open.

Tao's eyes light up. "I've always wanted to design a series of children's clothing," he heatedly whispers.

"Oh no," Luhan groans, leaning her head on Jongin's shoulder. "This could get ugly."

Tao is already fishing a sketchpad out of his bag, tongue poking through his lips. All attempts at getting Chanyeol's attention are dropped in favor of his real passion. Chanyeol doesn't seem so confused anymore, but he keeps sweeping his eyes over Jongin's front.

"How did I not notice that?" he asks aloud.

"There's not much you do notice," Yixing comments. Her comment starts a condensation flicking fight that lasts until the food arrives. Jongin finds that her appetite is revived now that she's not worried about everyone's reactions. She doesn't know what she was expecting, but Chanyeol and Tao don't act like they're planning to treat her any differently.

After they finish lunch, Chanyeol slides most of his dessert over for Jongin to eat. So maybe he will treat her a little differently, but this type of different is acceptable.

Some life changes are more difficult than others. Jongin learns this the hard way when she finally can’t get herself into any of her jeans anymore. She stares down at the pile laying on the floor by her feet and the tears just won’t stop flooding her eyes. She blinks and they cascade down her cheeks and she hates that she’s crying over such a stupid thing, and that just leaves her even more frustrated and she cries over that too.

Luhan finds Jongin sitting in a makeshift fort made of denim after a harrowing phone call Jongin had made where she’s sure she wasn’t enunciating enough for Luhan to even understand her. She’s so happy that Luhan doesn’t judge her emotional outburst and instead picks Jongin up and offers to take her shopping.

Luhan helps her into a dark pink dress that used to hang loose on her frame but now hugs tight across her belly. It goes down to her ankles, but the material is light, meant for summer so she makes sure to zip up her coat. She stares down at her bump, rubbing circles over the expanse as if she were soothing her son and not herself.

"I can't believe you waited so long to do this," Luhan says fondly, running her fingers through the strands of Jongin's hair to get out a few tangles. Jongin must have looked pathetic because Luhan leans forward to press a kiss to her cheek after. "It's actually impressive you've managed to make it this far."

Jongin looks forlornly at her closet, saying a silent goodbye as Luhan tugs her out of her apartment and to her car. It says a lot that Jongin doesn't even know where to shop for maternity clothes. She never bothered to look up retail outlets in her area and she feels a bit sheepish when Luhan gives her a look before pulling out her phone.

They end up at a strip mall with Jongin clutching desperately to Luhan's hand as they walk into the Pampered Pouch, eyes sweeping nervously over the baby section of the store. Everything's so small. Jongin knows they're there to look at stuff for her, but it doesn't stop her from wandering to the racks of tiny onesies sorted by color.

Once Luhan realizes she doesn't have Jongin's attention, she follows, watching as Jongin's fingers brush over soft fabric and linger on some of the cuter ones. Jongin smiles at the little duck onesie that's bright yellow with a tiny tail and orange feet. Luhan plucks it from the rack and turns Jongin to the side so she can hold it up to her belly.

Luhan's tongue is poking through her teeth when she smiles, eyes crinkling and her entire face lighting up as she coos over how adorable it would look on Jongin's baby. Jongin is frozen, staring at how proud Luhan looks as she smooths her hand over the duck outfit.

Jongin cries. She doesn't mean to, but she bursts into tears as Luhan stares up at her, terrified that she's done something wrong. One of the employees who was putting up a display pauses at the scene. "It happens all the time," she hears the employee tell Luhan.

It doesn't make Jongin feel any better. She's so out of control of her emotions and it's a bit like drowning. Everything feels overwhelming, too strong and she wants off this rollercoaster.

"Hey Jongin!" Luhan calls and Jongin sniffles pathetically as she wipes at the tears on her face. She looks over to where Luhan's standing further down the aisle. She has a reindeer onesie raised for Jongin to see. There are little bells on the feet and the hat comes with antlers that flop around. Jongin hiccups out a laugh.

"He doesn't need a reindeer costume, Luhan," Jongin says through a smile. "He's going to be a spring baby."

"Okay, but next year!" Luhan calls, bouncing on her heels even as she puts it back.

Jongin shakes her head, her crying spell over just as quickly as it began. She pulls a small pack of tissues from her purse to dab at her nose, keeping the duck outfit with her.

The clothes for adults aren't nearly as exciting or colorful. Jongin's eyes are constantly drawn to the other side of the shop. Luhan has to snap her fingers in Jongin's face several times to get her attention, holding up several pairs of jeans. Jongin is resigned to her fate, allowing Luhan to drag her into a changing room.

It's not so bad when she gets to steal several kisses along the way.

"I don't understand why Kyungsoo is in the 'no' pile," Kyungsoo grumbles, plucking the paper from the discarded section and tossing it into the 'maybes'.

Jongin immediately takes it back out, balling it up for good measure and throwing it at Kyungsoo's face. "I'm not naming my son Kyungsoo. There's only enough room in my life for one Kyungsoo and if I bequeath him your name, I'll have to have you killed. That's too much effort."

Kyungsoo finally stops arguing, but he doesn't look happy about it, although his frown isn't that intimidating when his face is illuminated by the lights from the Christmas tree. It's Christmas Eve and Jongin has never not spent a Christmas Eve with Kyungsoo. It's tradition; Luhan is going to be at Jongin's apartment later to spend the night, but right now it's just Jongin and Kyungsoo and little pieces of paper with potential baby names scrawled over them.

Jongin keeps fingering the one nearest to her, the scrap of paper curled on the corner from how often she runs her nail over it. "Sehun," she mumbles, saying it to see how it feels.

She imagines cooing the name at her baby, watching his eyes light up in recognition. Jongin thinks about how it would sound calling it out, sometimes yelling the name, and she chews her lip thoughtfully.

Jongin subtly swipes all the other pieces of paper to the 'no' pile and holds up the winner. It's in no way a final decision. But she's going to keep this one with her, pull it out and mull over the syllables during the days leading to her baby's debut to see if she still prefers it.

Kyungsoo cleans up the mess, grumbling under his breath. Jongin pokes at him with her toes and he takes a moment to pause in his complaining about cleaning up after her to chide her on her lack of socks. Jongin adores her Kyungsoo and she slips off the couch and onto the floor to hug him. He topples toward her from the force and she nuzzles their cheeks together.

"What are you doing?!" Kyungsoo shrieks. "You can't just plop on the floor! What if you can't get up on your own."

Jongin pulls away, raising her hand to smack her best friend on the back of his head. "I'm not that big yet," she grumps. "And I'm not crippled."

"Clearly," Kyungsoo says as he rubs his head. He still keeps a careful eye on Jongin as she braces her hand on the couch to pull herself up. It is getting harder to lift herself, but it's not by a lot. It's more about learning how to maneuver with an unfamiliar weight in her center. Once she gets the right momentum, she stands up without issue and smiles smugly down at Kyungsoo.

"Show off."

Jongin wiggles down on the couch again, comfy and content until Luhan texts to let her know she's on the way over. Kyungsoo loads Jongin up on cookies and candy canes to put in her peppermint tea, and makes her promise to call if she needs anything else. He drives her home, helps her carry everything up and kisses her on the forehead before he leaves.

Jongin's place isn't as decorated as Kyungsoo's. She has a small tree that sits on her coffee table, covered in far too much tinsel that threatens to drown out the strand of lights she'd thrown on first. A glittery pink star sits at the very top, wired on so there's no danger of it ever falling off.

That's the extent of her decorating. She's never seen a point to it when she's usually at Kyungsoo's for Christmas. Why decorate for an empty place? This is the first time someone is coming over and suddenly Jongin thinks her reliable little tree isn't going to be good enough. Luhan's the type to go crazy with decorations and Jongin doesn't want to disappoint. But she doesn't have anything else.

A knock on the door pulls Jongin from her thoughts and she tiptoes over the box full of cookies on her way to open it. Jongin assumes it's Luhan behind all the bags and boxes in her arms, scurrying out of the way so Luhan can hobble inside and set them all down. Jongin's just a little intimidated.

"Hey," Luhan greets as soon as her arms are free. She slides over to Jongin, a hand resting on Jongin's neck as she kisses her softly, slowly. It's so easy to melt against her, warmth spreading from her chest and a smile spreading over her mouth when Luhan pulls away.

"What's all this?" Jongin asks, afraid of the answer but still just as curious.

Luhan beams at her, stepping over to one of the many bags. "I've always had this fantasy," she begins, reaching down to pull out a box of multi-colored Christmas lights, "of you laying underneath a Christmas tree, the lights shining in your eyes when I lean down to kiss you."

Jongin can feel the blush infusing her cheeks, heart fluttering as she imagines the scene.

"And I want to create that moment with you." There are several boxes of lights, another one with tinsel and Jongin tilts her head at the other bags. "I brought my tree and decorations to set up here in the hopes that you'll indulge me."

As if Jongin could say no.

It's been a long time since she's had to untangle lights, picking through strands to find the stray burnt out one that needs replacing. She sits cross-legged on the floor, dedicated to her task after Luhan shooed her away from trying to help put together the tree she'd hauled up from her car. It's pre-lit but Luhan is a firm believer that there can never be too many lights. Jongin isn't going to argue.

It's nice doing something so simple and fun with Luhan. Jongin hasn't had a lot of moments like this in her life. Her parents weren't festive people and she'd gleaned all she could from Kyungsoo's parents and then from Kyungsoo himself when they moved away. Now she gets her own evening of decorating and laughing and trying not to trip over her own feet as she stretches to leave a kiss on Luhan's neck.

Luhan turns on her, nudging Jongin toward the wall until she's trapped. Luhan kisses Jongin until she can't breathe, until her fingers are curled in the back of Luhan's sweater - the one that came in a matching set that she split with Jongin - because she can't get enough. Jongin fights to blink back her tears from how full her heart is.

There isn't a lot of open area in Jongin's living room for the tree - she's all about not wasting space so getting an apartment with more than she needed would have been dumb - but Luhan's tree fits just nicely against the wall. They'd slid the couch back and moved the coffee table so it was beside the couch, with Jongin's tiny tree still on top.

"Perfect," Luhan exclaims with a clap of her hands.

Jongin has to agree. The tree is taller than the both of them, covered in lights and silver tinsel and glittering ornaments that shine in the light. There's even a red tree skirt with white edging that feels just as soft as it looks. Jongin's a little in love with it all.

Jongin laughs as Luhan asks her to lay down under the tree, and Jongin jokingly asks if she should wear a bow too. Luhan had gaped at that, her cheeks going red and Jongin shook her head fondly as she cautiously took her place on the tree skirt. She feels silly, especially with the way Luhan is watching her, and her nerves are on edge.

She's about to get up and call the whole thing off, but Luhan lowers to her knees, crawling until she's between Jongin's legs. Jongin swallows, heart thudding against her ribs as she licks over her lips nervously. "Luhan?" Jongin whispers, still unsure.

Luhan stares down at Jongin, her hair falling in a curtain that catches the reds and greens and blues of the lights beside them. She trails her fingers down Jongin's cheek and to her neck. Jongin breathes a little heavier, tentatively reaching up to rest her hands on Luhan's waist. Luhan encourages her, nudging the tips of their noses together with a smile.

"I love you, Jongin," she says softly.

Jongin inhales, eyes wide. Luhan kisses her then, just a quick press of lips before she's drawing back. Jongin raises her head to chase Luhan's mouth, wanting so much more. Luhan gives it to her, tilting her head to kiss Jongin deeper, harder.

Jongin slides her hand up to Luhan's hair, fingers slipping through the strands. She can't control the way she heats up from the inside, lips parting with a low moan. Luhan is so careful with her, keeping her weight off Jongin's stomach even when Jongin tries to bring her down because she wants to touch Luhan everywhere.

Her head is buzzing, heart racing, and Jongin doesn't want this to stop. It's only been a month since they started dating again - if spending every available minute outside of work can be counted as dating - but Jongin wants to jump in head first, consequences be damned. She deprived herself of this, of Luhan, for too long and there's so much time to make up for.

"Thank you," Luhan breathes when they part.

Jongin's panting, licking over her tingling lips as she stares up at Luhan, enraptured. "For what?"

"For this," Luhan says. "For letting me be with you."

Jongin makes a truly valiant effort not to cry, but she loses. She can't even put into words how much Luhan means to her, how much she adores every single thing about her and how she makes her feel, and she wishes she could. Jongin hadn't even realized she was missing this in her life until now.

She's been self-sufficient for so long, but with everything changing, it's time for her to finally accept things and ride the waves instead of fight them. Luhan helps with that. When Jongin starts to panic because she can't run through her routine, Luhan's voice is enough to calm her until Jongin can figure out something else to do instead. Baby steps.

The two of them finally make it off the floor, Jongin accepting Luhan's help up only because her knees feel like jelly. There's still Kyungsoo's cookies to put away and Luhan peeks curiously inside each of the smaller containers from The Naked Baker to see what kinds of cookies there are before stacking them on the kitchen counter.

Jongin watches on, resting on the edge of the counter because there's only so much space in her kitchen and Luhan told her to let her handle it. Jongin feels spoiled and it's weird. Only Kyungsoo has ever been so indulgent and it makes her feel like she's taking advantage even if Luhan gives her little choice.

Jongin's also afraid that she's monopolizing Luhan's time and she doesn't want to stand in the way of Luhan being somewhere else. She doesn't want to be a burden. When Jongin voices her worry aloud, Luhan drops the bag in her hand and rushes over.

"Baby, I'm right where I want to be." And she kisses any further protests from Jongin's lips.

They make hot chocolate topped with marshmallows and curl up on the couch with the television on. Christmas movies are on nearly every channel and they leave one on just as background noise. Luhan is much more interested in talking with Jongin, and occasionally stealing chocolate flavored kisses. Jongin charges one marshmallow per kiss and leaves Luhan pouting when there are no more marshmallows left.

Jongin takes pity on her and sets her mug aside to slide in Luhan's lap, her hands clasped behind Luhan's neck. "Only because you look so ugly when you frown," Jongin quips before leaning down to kiss her.

Luhan huffs, but doesn't protest, easily falling back with Jongin in her arms.

Sometimes it's overwhelming, but Jongin doesn't want to admit it. She takes those little moments for herself, a hand splayed on her belly as she stands in her shower, the door locked so Luhan can't come walking in. Knowing that someone is physically there for her all the time is reassuring and a safety net that Jongin had never thought she'd have and yet it scares her.

As much as she wants to finally open herself up completely to Luhan, to start a life with her and let her be there to help her when she has her son, a part of her still wants to pull away. There are so many risks that come with such a drastic change in her life.

She tries to focus on the little things, like grabbing Luhan no matter where they are or what they're doing to hold her hand over where her baby is kicking, or sharing a milkshake over waffles for dinner, or reaching out to touch Luhan with the knowledge that it's there. Even when she's starting to feel panicked, closed in with no way to breathe, she knows that Luhan will be there and that's a faith she has in few others.

It's why Jongin tucks her insecurities away and allows herself to enjoy the moments as they come instead of worrying over an uncertain future.

It's New Year's Eve and they're all over at Kyungsoo's place to celebrate. There's good food, great conversation and champagne that Luhan passes on because Jongin can't drink either. It doesn't stop the rest of them and Jongin finds it refreshing to witness her friends so carefree. Yixing brought Minseok with her again, unable to keep her eyes - or hands - off of him. He has this grip around her waist, fingers pressed to her side to keep her tucked close and it's sweet.

There's a countdown program on the television that none of them are paying attention to. It's getting late and normally Jongin would be in bed by now and she leans back against Luhan, content with Luhan's arms around her belly, cradling it in her palms. She has her chin hooked over Jongin's shoulder and she's smiling, talking with Chanyeol about this amazing sushi bar opening downtown as Jongin lazily starts rocking them side to side.

It's moments like this, with all her friends around her chattering happily about their lives, that make Jongin's heart sing. If only she could bottle the moments to keep with her everywhere she went.

When it gets close to midnight, they all crowd around the television, chiming in when it starts counting down from 20. Luhan is still behind her, voice echoing in Jongin's ear and Jongin turns her head to kiss her at the stroke of midnight. There's cheering all around them and outside somewhere, there are people setting off fireworks.

Jongin smiles, letting Luhan turn her in her arms.

"This new year, I resolve to make you the happiest woman alive," Luhan declares, swooping in for another kiss.

Jongin ends up a blubbering mess, pressing wet kisses to Luhan's face until Yixing starts making cooing noises at the two of them while taking pictures on her phone. Jongin sticks her tongue out at Yixing as Luhan laughs.

Kyungsoo swoops in for the rescue, pulling Jongin into a hug and then telling her to go home before she curls up on his carpet to go to sleep. She tries to protest, but she really is tired and Luhan is all too willing to escort her.

Jongin is easy to guide, running on reserves as Luhan drives her home, helping her up to her apartment and into bed. She's even nice enough to aid Jongin in wriggling out of her clothes. If she were any more awake, Jongin would be embarrassed at the stretch marks beginning to spiderweb across her stomach, but she's too tired to think.

She blinks lazily up at Luhan, sighing as Luhan kisses her. She tastes sweet and Jongin pulls her in for more. Luhan parts Jongin's lips with her tongue, delving into her mouth as Jongin groans, a leg hooking around Luhan's thigh to keep her there. Fatigue gives way to wandering hands, Jongin's palms running underneath Luhan's shirt to stroke over her skin. Luhan shudders, pulling away; the moonlight spills through the curtains to shine over her features and Jongin aches.

"You're tired. Sleep."

Luhan tries to slip away, but Jongin whines, keeping her arms and leg around her. Luhan's kiss, however innocent, has started a fire in Jongin that she wants to put out. It's been months since she's been turned on enough to do something about it, but it runs through her now and she bites at her lip, afraid that Luhan won't want it - won't want her.

Luhan ducks her head, lips brushing over the shell of Jongin's ear when she speaks. "Do you want me to help you sleep?"

Her hands are wandering low, gripping Jongin's hips as her thigh slots between Jongin's legs, pushing upward. Jongin gasps, head tipping back. "Yes," she whimpers.

Luhan is still gentle and patient, even as Jongin softly asks her for more, hesitant because she doesn’t want Luhan to give more than she wants to give. Her fingernails dig into Luhan’s skin, Jongin letting out a gasp when Luhan slips her hand straight down the front of Jongin’s panties.

Jongin can hardly breathe, rocking her hips down as Luhan’s fingers run over her arousal, dipping teasingly into her. She whines low before moaning louder and Luhan makes a noise of her own as she kisses Jongin quiet. Jongin runs her hands up, unsure as she cups Luhan’s breasts over her bra. Her touch becomes more confident when Luhan moans, shifting to give Jongin the space to continue. She flicks her thumbs over Luhan’s nipples through the lacy material before pushing the cups up and out of the way.

They’ve never gotten this far before; even when they were dating the first time, Luhan would pull back, telling Jongin she didn’t want to rush in and ruin everything. Jongin doesn’t know what Luhan likes and doesn’t like, and she’s afraid to do something that might kill the mood. She keeps her hand on Luhan’s breast, the other one free to slide through Luhan’s hair, to keep her close.

Luhan doesn’t stop kissing her, working her fingers into Jongin quicker as Jongin tries to push into it. Her knees bend, heels digging into the mattress as her thighs tremble. It doesn’t take very much for Luhan to shove her over that edge; Jongin feels it in every nerve, eyes rolling back and breath stolen as she goes rigid. Luhan is there through it all, whispering sweet words in her ear as she crashes.

Jongin lays there, catching her breath as Luhan sits up, pulling out of her grasp. “Wait,” she croaks, her throat dry. She doesn’t want Luhan to leave unsatisfied, but Luhan shakes her head.

“Sleep,” Luhan urges. “I’ll be right back.”

Jongin’s arms fall to the mattress and she watches as Luhan disappears into the bathroom. Her eyes begin closing against her will, her mind fuzzy and tired. She’s still on her back when Luhan emerges, running a damp towel between Jongin’s legs before crawling into bed beside her.

Jongin’s always been a tummy sleeper. She starts on her side, but she always has to roll onto her stomach before she can fall asleep. With her belly too large to sleep on now, she’s learning how to get comfortable in other ways. Luhan presses against her from behind, a solid presence with her palm on Jongin’s belly. Jongin fits a pillow between her legs to ease the inevitable ache in her hips that she deals with each morning, and leans as far on her side as she can.

It never fails that her baby wakes right when she stills; she’d asked Baekhyun about it before and she’d explained that it’s soothing when she’s moving around and puts the baby to sleep, but stopping will wake him up. Jongin wiggles back against Luhan who brushes the hair from Jongin’s neck to leave a kiss.

Jongin falls asleep to her son kicking at Luhan’s hand, knowing that Luhan will be there in the morning.

PART FOUR