Freewrite 2.2: "Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love."
I'm dislodging myself from many of the ideas and beliefs I've held regarding my life and the relationships involved with my life (technically, that includes everyone.. on earth). Things that flew don't fly anymore and things that don't fly still aren't getting off the ground. I've had many friends that have decided to end their longstanding romantic relationships and join the ranks of singletons once again and I have quite a few who have started new romances and those that have decided to make the romance they've found a permanant structure in the probable sequences of their mortal lives (for all intents and purposes).
I'm seemingly bombarded with everything involving romance and what is considered love in popular american
and even world cultures, constantly reminded of the experiences I've had (especially my most "recent"
occurances) and I'm beginning to feel like my defenses are being tested on the subject. Seeing what I
allow myself to feel damaged, emotionally, about and what I've moved beyond. I'm realizing that there
is much I've avoided confronting inside myself, with the most weight put on love. I've avoided writing
about the subject here on my personal blog because past love and current friends do indeed read and
comment on what I post.
< Tangent >I'm saying this because I'm sick of creating that consideration for myself,
dumbing down my thoughts and feelings for anyone but myself. It's condescending, really, thinking I'd
need to baby anyone who would follow my journal online, because I know that people are going to think
whatever it is they are going to think regardless of my externalized thoughts and feelings in whatever form it is I choose to express them. I'm not a wreck and it's my opinion that our friendship deserves to thrive whether or not I've learned whatever lessons are there for me to learn from our romantic dissolve. I miss being romantic. I miss being unabashedly in love. I certainly dwell on times we used to share (the time taken to dwell varies and is usually kept to very short moments, indeed). I'm happy your in a wonderful relationship with a witty, intelligent and wise person such as the man you have and I'm happy that you are learning so much about yourself in the process. anyway < /Tangent >
Now that I'm done justifying myself (*sigh*) and before I re-read whatever I've written decide to censor
it in the name of sanity and all things silent, I'm continuing with the entry.
I miss loving someone so fearlessly, that it becomes as constant as change and transformation is inherant
in the universe. At the very same time I am so completely terrified of making myself so vulnerable to
someone that I am utterly destroyed when the unthinkable comes to pass and I've missed the point in time
where it's still okay to make absolution for my sins and get away with it, because god is real and I'm
heading to the firey depths of hell in a painted handbasket. This is honesty for me. This is coming clean with the world and really just saying what those close to me have known for almost two years now. Hell, even when I was in my last relationship, I was still terrified of love, or maybe it was commitment... I know I was terrified of success. I'm sure she'd vouch for her experience.
Now, I'm wading through the romantic waters as though they were just a destination inbetween destinations. I may not see them again once I'm through the marshlands and thay just don't scare me the way they used to. I'm still mourning the transition and I've taken my time to do it, somehow, it just didn't seem like I was ready to dispatch that part of me, that part of the life I've been living up until now. It's getting clearer everyday as I keep moving that I'm much closer to finally moving on to the next chapter of my life. (that is if my life were a book.. and that book was written in a linear format, as most books are.)
I'm closing this entry with a link to a poem written by a man I am both grateful to and respectful of in his persuit of passion and the transformation he can and does create in the world around him and the inspiration he instills in the people he meets and performs for.
His name is Taylor Mali
and the poem is called, Falling In Love Is Like Owning A Dog