Advice.
Looking back...
(Aka.. hind sight is twenty-twenty)
Cut for length... :}
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 0: Come into the world slowly, causing your mother pain right of the bat isn't a good sign... she does feed you, you know.. and you'll like food.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 1: Ride the great dane out the door if you want, pee on your father's head - it's fine, this is one of the few times in your life where your Dad will get blamed for your mischief.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 2: Enjoy the last few moments of your parents living in the same house, note how they do indeed like one another, don't hold the cat too tightly... it's going to leave a scar on your leg for life.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 3: Play with your great-grandmother often, she loves you and won't be around much longer... don't be too sad at moving away from Dad, you'll see him weekly for the rest of your life, and don't be mad at mom either because she tried.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 4: When your great grandmother dies at the kitchen table, it isn't your fault - don't hang on to guilt for ten years because of your faulty memory... and by the way, your family is just humoring you - your cousin in Germany can't actually hear you through the heating vents... but don't stop talking to her, because it's fun to pretend, and to hear your voice echo.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 5: Do not love James Reynolds, it's a waste of your time... Do play as much as possible on your green scooter before you outgrow it, because you're going to miss that thing.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 6: Hug your first grade teacher, she was nice... enjoy this year because it's the last year of your normal, calm life before the shit hits the fan.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 7: Calm down... if you can switch out of Brenda Turney's second grade class please do, because she's the devil. You can't fix your mother, so get help early - if you can't intervene and she does break down, don't feel pressured into visiting her at the hospital early if you can't handle it, everything is going to be okay - don't bottle up your feelings, it'll only land you in the hospital too... and no, none of this happened because of something you did.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 8: Breathe - don't talk to anyone's lawyer because no one is in this custody battle for your best interests, feel confident in your decisions and try to enjoy being a kid despite of your crazy family - because you're going to age and well, they're going to stay crazy. Become fast friends with Meredith Hutchinson and try not to lose touch. Always fight to be the pink power ranger, even if your friends say you are too tall and have to be the boy.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 9: 4th grade... Don't be shy around the guidance counselor - she's going to fix most of your major issues and teach you coping mechanisms that will help you for the rest of your life. Try to avoid emotional eating. When that hot student teacher comes to class try to keep in touch with him, because you'll always be curious about where he ended up. Enjoy learning to eat with chopsticks even though you won't have the chance to do it again until high school... know that your grandmother loves you.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 10: 5th grade... You really have something in your friendship with Bill Milton but try not to worry about Andrew Proctor's love life... you won't care next year anyway. Seriously think about fighting to live with your mother again, know that she's going to be ill the rest of your time with her, but chose this anyway because your time is limited... get ready to lose all stability in your life...
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 11: 6th grade... Try and make friends quickly because you'll be going to three schools this year...don't worry about leaving your friends at Queen's Lake because you'll see them before you know it - try to explain to your Dad why you didn't want to live with him even though it's uncomfortable because not saying anything is only going to make it worse. Hang in there, you'll kiss a boy soon.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 12: 7th grade... Don't worry about hating Farmville - you'll only be here one more year... Watch out for your step-father, he's kind of an abusive fuck... cherish your hiding places in the woods and the ability to lose yourself in your own imagination. Take solace in the fact that you can appreciate the little things and the fact that your mother is emotionally stable for a while, painting, and teaching you to learn and question and paint. Get ready to move to Kansas with a stranger and have the best and worst few years of your life.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 13: 8th grade... Don't worry about that ugly stage, it'll pass. Cherish your friendship with Janie and Jesse - you'll have a few others like it, but it is still rare and wonderful when people connect as strongly as you do. Do not kiss TJ or let Pat take advantage of you because you crave male attention...you'll get a better boy next year and neither one of these two offers you anything you could possibly want... Please grow out your bangs, they're terrible.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 14: 9th grade... Enjoy being on the golf team with Janie and going to football games... from riding in Bradley Hammerschmidt's mustang to oogling Leighton LaPierre - this is going to be the most wondeful, carefree, superficial year... Ask Kevin out earlier and enjoy every moment with him and his wonderful family, the vacations and late night board games. Let someone know about your situation at home so that you aren't facing it alone - that's stupid and dangerous and will have some serious consequences.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 15: 10th grade. Breathe. Life is horrible, but this will pass. There is no way for me to give you any advice really except cling to your friends and know that it's okay to grieve. Call your grandmother before the police this time so you aren't questioned for hours... Take more of your stuff from your house - while it doesn't bring your mother back, it can serve as a reminder of the happier times and you'll regret only grabbing a suitcase or two. Try to be patient with your family, they don't know what to say... and kiss Kevin goodbye at that airport, because you truly do love him and this is the last time you'll ever see each other... Maybe go into therapy and see if that aids the grieving process.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 16: Definitely apply at the Carmike, try and enjoy life despite recent tragedy... it isn't all bad, enjoy your new car - don't feel guilty because you're having fun while at the same time missing your mother... you deserve to be happy. Enjoy being at home, and being in a safe environment where at least you won't be physically abused, emotionally berated, or in the presence of drugs constantly... keep on doing well in school, it's your ticket out.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 17: Don't date Chris Fortuna. It is a mistake. He isn't going to fill any sort of void... Do have fun flirting with maroon vested boys and dancing and conversing with David. Kiss Sean, he likes you and it's going to take him forever. You're going to love him more than you thought possible and in him find happiness without reservation. Ignore that his hair is long, he's a sweet boy and soon enough you'll be saying goodbye again.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 18: Love life - it's getting better again, even though it's slightly tainted. Don't kiss strange Irish boys, it's going to land you mono. Though, despite the pain, this did lead to Sean... so maybe a kiss here or there never hurt anyone. :} Soak up time with Kate and Lucy, in art class, and in Europe for the first time - take lots of pictures and be appreciative of your remaining family... Apply to more colleges than 3. Don't sweat the small stuff. Go to Boston even though it scares you and hurts to leave home and Sean... it'll help you get over needing to be someone's something to feel important because you can't be your mother's daughter anymore. Oh, and try and be more quiet in that hotel room because Jeremy is definitely awake.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 19: Stop worrying so much... don't pierce your lip - it's a waste of money and a phase. Socialize - you have never been scared of people before! Keep studying, your grades aren't luck... they're a mix of ability and hard work and you'll be happy for your time spent in the library eventually even if it currently does seem fruitless. Call home every week and don't mind Sean being moody - you'll be fine, even though it won't quite be the same...
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 20: Enjoy school, and meeting one of those rare special folk. This is a great year again... you'll have worked through a lot of your emotional baggage, and you're going to Amsterdam! Smoke up, it's legal and will leave you with great memories... though try not to go to the Anne Frank House high again, it'll only leave you feeling guilty and paranoid...the Van Gogh museum is a much better choice. Enjoy life at school and home because both places have something to offer. Don't stress too much.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 21: Relax and be productive all at the same time. Smile now that you have a plan for your future that seems feasible... and are satisfied with your college career. Be proud of your accomplishments - your GPA and test scores, your travels, and soon your degree... happy that you have great friends, and respectful of your family even if they bug you. Party it up in the next nine weeks before you (temporarily?) leave Beantown, but not as much as at Jay's birthday and try to do so without forsaking your graduate school applications or your current courses. Don't worry about things too much... afterall, they've worked out so far. Buy those expensive shoes... you'll love them, and you're already broke anyway. ;}
The most major events in my life so far (things that will affect me the most profoundly in the years to come): Birth, Move to Kansas, Mother's death, Working at the Carmike, Meeting/Dating Sean, Going to college (esp at Northeastern, in Boston)
People I couldn't thank enough for having such a positive impact in my life: besides all my friends and family, of course... Meredith Hutchinson, Pam Pare, Janie Hammerschmidt and family, Jesse DeBey and family, Tricia Martin, Donnah Joyce, Lucy Smitherman, Katie Czajka, David Garrett, Bill Milton, Jeremy's mom, Jay Vultaggio, Carolyn, Nina, and Julie
It's easy to lose perspective in this life, but lately it's been just as easy for me to gain it back. I don't know if this is because of an intentional attitude change, or the fact that I feel comfortable and happy in my current life and excited about the future as well... whatever it is, despite all the mucky upbringing - I am blessed. There is so much to be thankful for.
I spent Sunday afternoon with my jeans rolled up, wading in Walden pond. A guy a few yards down was sitting on the bank with a guitar and I listened while tossing rocks and leaves and watching the concentric circles form... afterwards I read some Social theory, watched the movie swimming and snuggled with my blankets on the couch. Everything was just so satisfying - from the green of the leaves, to the slight chill from the temperature drop at night... I love this, I love New England... and hope to return one day.
Thursday I'm visiting Simmons college for a tour and an interview and to hang around a grad class and meet some currently enrolled students - then Friday I'm driving down to Providence with Jay to look at Brown.
The wheels they are a turning, and things they are a changin'... but this time, it feels like they're changing for good.
Songs I like right now:
Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright
Lose Control - Missy and guests
Black and Blue - Counting Crows
Oooh...
...and I've started taking a vitamin.
(Aka.. hind sight is twenty-twenty)
Cut for length... :}
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 0: Come into the world slowly, causing your mother pain right of the bat isn't a good sign... she does feed you, you know.. and you'll like food.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 1: Ride the great dane out the door if you want, pee on your father's head - it's fine, this is one of the few times in your life where your Dad will get blamed for your mischief.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 2: Enjoy the last few moments of your parents living in the same house, note how they do indeed like one another, don't hold the cat too tightly... it's going to leave a scar on your leg for life.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 3: Play with your great-grandmother often, she loves you and won't be around much longer... don't be too sad at moving away from Dad, you'll see him weekly for the rest of your life, and don't be mad at mom either because she tried.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 4: When your great grandmother dies at the kitchen table, it isn't your fault - don't hang on to guilt for ten years because of your faulty memory... and by the way, your family is just humoring you - your cousin in Germany can't actually hear you through the heating vents... but don't stop talking to her, because it's fun to pretend, and to hear your voice echo.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 5: Do not love James Reynolds, it's a waste of your time... Do play as much as possible on your green scooter before you outgrow it, because you're going to miss that thing.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 6: Hug your first grade teacher, she was nice... enjoy this year because it's the last year of your normal, calm life before the shit hits the fan.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 7: Calm down... if you can switch out of Brenda Turney's second grade class please do, because she's the devil. You can't fix your mother, so get help early - if you can't intervene and she does break down, don't feel pressured into visiting her at the hospital early if you can't handle it, everything is going to be okay - don't bottle up your feelings, it'll only land you in the hospital too... and no, none of this happened because of something you did.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 8: Breathe - don't talk to anyone's lawyer because no one is in this custody battle for your best interests, feel confident in your decisions and try to enjoy being a kid despite of your crazy family - because you're going to age and well, they're going to stay crazy. Become fast friends with Meredith Hutchinson and try not to lose touch. Always fight to be the pink power ranger, even if your friends say you are too tall and have to be the boy.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 9: 4th grade... Don't be shy around the guidance counselor - she's going to fix most of your major issues and teach you coping mechanisms that will help you for the rest of your life. Try to avoid emotional eating. When that hot student teacher comes to class try to keep in touch with him, because you'll always be curious about where he ended up. Enjoy learning to eat with chopsticks even though you won't have the chance to do it again until high school... know that your grandmother loves you.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 10: 5th grade... You really have something in your friendship with Bill Milton but try not to worry about Andrew Proctor's love life... you won't care next year anyway. Seriously think about fighting to live with your mother again, know that she's going to be ill the rest of your time with her, but chose this anyway because your time is limited... get ready to lose all stability in your life...
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 11: 6th grade... Try and make friends quickly because you'll be going to three schools this year...don't worry about leaving your friends at Queen's Lake because you'll see them before you know it - try to explain to your Dad why you didn't want to live with him even though it's uncomfortable because not saying anything is only going to make it worse. Hang in there, you'll kiss a boy soon.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 12: 7th grade... Don't worry about hating Farmville - you'll only be here one more year... Watch out for your step-father, he's kind of an abusive fuck... cherish your hiding places in the woods and the ability to lose yourself in your own imagination. Take solace in the fact that you can appreciate the little things and the fact that your mother is emotionally stable for a while, painting, and teaching you to learn and question and paint. Get ready to move to Kansas with a stranger and have the best and worst few years of your life.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 13: 8th grade... Don't worry about that ugly stage, it'll pass. Cherish your friendship with Janie and Jesse - you'll have a few others like it, but it is still rare and wonderful when people connect as strongly as you do. Do not kiss TJ or let Pat take advantage of you because you crave male attention...you'll get a better boy next year and neither one of these two offers you anything you could possibly want... Please grow out your bangs, they're terrible.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 14: 9th grade... Enjoy being on the golf team with Janie and going to football games... from riding in Bradley Hammerschmidt's mustang to oogling Leighton LaPierre - this is going to be the most wondeful, carefree, superficial year... Ask Kevin out earlier and enjoy every moment with him and his wonderful family, the vacations and late night board games. Let someone know about your situation at home so that you aren't facing it alone - that's stupid and dangerous and will have some serious consequences.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 15: 10th grade. Breathe. Life is horrible, but this will pass. There is no way for me to give you any advice really except cling to your friends and know that it's okay to grieve. Call your grandmother before the police this time so you aren't questioned for hours... Take more of your stuff from your house - while it doesn't bring your mother back, it can serve as a reminder of the happier times and you'll regret only grabbing a suitcase or two. Try to be patient with your family, they don't know what to say... and kiss Kevin goodbye at that airport, because you truly do love him and this is the last time you'll ever see each other... Maybe go into therapy and see if that aids the grieving process.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 16: Definitely apply at the Carmike, try and enjoy life despite recent tragedy... it isn't all bad, enjoy your new car - don't feel guilty because you're having fun while at the same time missing your mother... you deserve to be happy. Enjoy being at home, and being in a safe environment where at least you won't be physically abused, emotionally berated, or in the presence of drugs constantly... keep on doing well in school, it's your ticket out.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 17: Don't date Chris Fortuna. It is a mistake. He isn't going to fill any sort of void... Do have fun flirting with maroon vested boys and dancing and conversing with David. Kiss Sean, he likes you and it's going to take him forever. You're going to love him more than you thought possible and in him find happiness without reservation. Ignore that his hair is long, he's a sweet boy and soon enough you'll be saying goodbye again.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 18: Love life - it's getting better again, even though it's slightly tainted. Don't kiss strange Irish boys, it's going to land you mono. Though, despite the pain, this did lead to Sean... so maybe a kiss here or there never hurt anyone. :} Soak up time with Kate and Lucy, in art class, and in Europe for the first time - take lots of pictures and be appreciative of your remaining family... Apply to more colleges than 3. Don't sweat the small stuff. Go to Boston even though it scares you and hurts to leave home and Sean... it'll help you get over needing to be someone's something to feel important because you can't be your mother's daughter anymore. Oh, and try and be more quiet in that hotel room because Jeremy is definitely awake.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 19: Stop worrying so much... don't pierce your lip - it's a waste of money and a phase. Socialize - you have never been scared of people before! Keep studying, your grades aren't luck... they're a mix of ability and hard work and you'll be happy for your time spent in the library eventually even if it currently does seem fruitless. Call home every week and don't mind Sean being moody - you'll be fine, even though it won't quite be the same...
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 20: Enjoy school, and meeting one of those rare special folk. This is a great year again... you'll have worked through a lot of your emotional baggage, and you're going to Amsterdam! Smoke up, it's legal and will leave you with great memories... though try not to go to the Anne Frank House high again, it'll only leave you feeling guilty and paranoid...the Van Gogh museum is a much better choice. Enjoy life at school and home because both places have something to offer. Don't stress too much.
Advice to Bobbie, from Bobbie, at age 21: Relax and be productive all at the same time. Smile now that you have a plan for your future that seems feasible... and are satisfied with your college career. Be proud of your accomplishments - your GPA and test scores, your travels, and soon your degree... happy that you have great friends, and respectful of your family even if they bug you. Party it up in the next nine weeks before you (temporarily?) leave Beantown, but not as much as at Jay's birthday and try to do so without forsaking your graduate school applications or your current courses. Don't worry about things too much... afterall, they've worked out so far. Buy those expensive shoes... you'll love them, and you're already broke anyway. ;}
The most major events in my life so far (things that will affect me the most profoundly in the years to come): Birth, Move to Kansas, Mother's death, Working at the Carmike, Meeting/Dating Sean, Going to college (esp at Northeastern, in Boston)
People I couldn't thank enough for having such a positive impact in my life: besides all my friends and family, of course... Meredith Hutchinson, Pam Pare, Janie Hammerschmidt and family, Jesse DeBey and family, Tricia Martin, Donnah Joyce, Lucy Smitherman, Katie Czajka, David Garrett, Bill Milton, Jeremy's mom, Jay Vultaggio, Carolyn, Nina, and Julie
It's easy to lose perspective in this life, but lately it's been just as easy for me to gain it back. I don't know if this is because of an intentional attitude change, or the fact that I feel comfortable and happy in my current life and excited about the future as well... whatever it is, despite all the mucky upbringing - I am blessed. There is so much to be thankful for.
I spent Sunday afternoon with my jeans rolled up, wading in Walden pond. A guy a few yards down was sitting on the bank with a guitar and I listened while tossing rocks and leaves and watching the concentric circles form... afterwards I read some Social theory, watched the movie swimming and snuggled with my blankets on the couch. Everything was just so satisfying - from the green of the leaves, to the slight chill from the temperature drop at night... I love this, I love New England... and hope to return one day.
Thursday I'm visiting Simmons college for a tour and an interview and to hang around a grad class and meet some currently enrolled students - then Friday I'm driving down to Providence with Jay to look at Brown.
The wheels they are a turning, and things they are a changin'... but this time, it feels like they're changing for good.
Songs I like right now:
Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright
Lose Control - Missy and guests
Black and Blue - Counting Crows
Oooh...
...and I've started taking a vitamin.