When you know better
I can't exactly narrow down when I knew for sure that circumsizing Benjamin was a mistake. In hindsight, I will say it was ON THE DAY, during all of the screaming. My breasts ached and my heart hurt and I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to have never been born. That sound. That suffering. I caused it. After everything my sweet baby boy had already been through. Why? WHY? For a religion that didn't even want me.
Forgiving myself has been an uphill battle. There have been many conversations and healing learning of information on lj. A promise in my journal that any future boys I should have would not go through this.
The one thing I did not have a resolution on, though, was speaking to Benjamin about it. Being frank and honest and asking his forgiveness without melting down so completely I gave him a complex about it.
I practiced.
A lot.
I didn't know when the time would be right. Part of me said when he asked, I would tell him, because that's always been how I parent. I do not lie to my children, and if they are old enough to ask the question then they are old enough to hear an honest answer. Simplified to age-appropriate, but honest.
But I thought and thought about this particular issue and wondered if he would ever ask. I mean, his father is cut too, so how would he know to ask? How would he know there was something to ask about? So I decided that I would wait until I'm pregnant again and then use that to bring up the topic. Explaining to him that if the baby is a boy, his pee-pee would look different, and why.
I was pretty fine with this plan, but last night, in the bath the topic did come up. I mean not perfectly, but it was a good enough segue that I was able to just take it and go. Alli asked what the hole was for, and Ben said, that's where the pee comes out. And then she pointed exactly to his circumsicion scar and asked what it was and he said, hmm, I don't actually know.
So, I told him I had something important to talk to him about and he said OK. I explained the best I could about how even grownups make mistakes and all you can do is learn from it and do better in the future. I explained that circumcision is a cosmetic surgery done on a boys private parts because somepeople don't like the way it looks and its taught in our culture that its better. I explained my lame religious reasons and said that I now don't believe in following rules that hurt babies. I asked Ben's forgiveness and he gave it. I explained that any future boys in our family would not have that done, so they would look different. Alli asked if anyone had cut her jay-jay when she was a baby. Thankfully, no. She was grateful. Ben told me that if he had any sons he wouldn't do that to them. It would be OK if they looked different than him. (I had explained that Papa had it done when he was a baby so another reason that was important to some people was that sons looked like their dads.)
Ben's wisdom and emotional maturity never ceases to amaze me. I expected to bawl, but I did not. I choked up for just a brief second when Ben said, "I forgive you Mama. You didn't know. But now we know and we will all do better. When you know better, you do better. Alli and I won't cut our sons either. We promise."
How oh how, did I get so very lucky?
I love you Benjamin.