A Fake Open Letter/Personal Ad
In advance I would like to say this is less of a sordid begging & more of a message to myself to know what it is I truly want, and an exercise in writing/openly poking fun at myself. I have been happily single for sometime now, I wouldn't say I'm seeking anything, I would however say I wrote this as a human being who can occasionally get a little lonely. So when you read this, please keep in mind it's not me actually putting this out there in hopes of a response, but me just putting this out there in hopes of people like me, seeing that us lonely bastards are never alone. That being said, let's get started.
Dear Women Of The World,
I am seeking something and it may or may not be one of your kind. Only time will answer that. I am not like, nor not unlike most men of my generation, I lay claim to the grand and vast middle ground. I am a man of addictions and also great loves, one of which being tobacco, A band wagon which I have (not unlike blooper reels of yore, or over stated replay clips) fallen off of and back onto too many times to recall or count. Another vice of mine is drinking, namely scotch & well crafted beers, alcoholism to be more vague. Though if I were to pick my heaviest and most relied upon crutch it would certainly be DVD box sets and enthralling literature (AKA books). I can not promise you fantastic looks to counteract these vices as I am average looking, if not ever so slightly below that bar. I am however, a hopeless romantic in search of power, recognition, a foot hold from which I may stand, and finally a muse (this is where you come in).
From you I seek, for lack of a more patronizing way to say this, a wet nurse and giver of inspiration. At this point I'm sure you have begun to ask yourself the same question I have pondered through years of aggravated/tormented self awareness, "What is in it for you?" Simply (or so to speak) I offer companionship. In exchange for acting as a comfort blanket, and of course my moral support, coupled with laughing (out loud, and as genuinely as possible) at my jokes, while also acting as a sort of muse to my addled feeble artistic self I offer the following:
- Occasional Gifts
- Adulation to the point of over-doing it
- Massages
- Imaginative dates
- Mediocre (at best) Jokes
- Appreciation for even your least appreciable qualities
- Trust
- Understanding
- Good listening skills
- An extensive DVD collection
- A massive music library
- As limited as possible jealousy and insecurity
- And finally sex, I'm no porn star, but I'd like to think I'm fairly decent to pretty okay. I could either be over or under stating my abilities, this I leave solely to the judgement of the recipient.
I ask that feedback to this entry be merciful and well mannered, that which goes beyond those guidelines ought be kept private or as internal monologue. Also fuck anyone who stifles your self expression. Be yourself, and speak freely.
Love always,
Mike
Dear Women Of The World,
I am seeking something and it may or may not be one of your kind. Only time will answer that. I am not like, nor not unlike most men of my generation, I lay claim to the grand and vast middle ground. I am a man of addictions and also great loves, one of which being tobacco, A band wagon which I have (not unlike blooper reels of yore, or over stated replay clips) fallen off of and back onto too many times to recall or count. Another vice of mine is drinking, namely scotch & well crafted beers, alcoholism to be more vague. Though if I were to pick my heaviest and most relied upon crutch it would certainly be DVD box sets and enthralling literature (AKA books). I can not promise you fantastic looks to counteract these vices as I am average looking, if not ever so slightly below that bar. I am however, a hopeless romantic in search of power, recognition, a foot hold from which I may stand, and finally a muse (this is where you come in).
From you I seek, for lack of a more patronizing way to say this, a wet nurse and giver of inspiration. At this point I'm sure you have begun to ask yourself the same question I have pondered through years of aggravated/tormented self awareness, "What is in it for you?" Simply (or so to speak) I offer companionship. In exchange for acting as a comfort blanket, and of course my moral support, coupled with laughing (out loud, and as genuinely as possible) at my jokes, while also acting as a sort of muse to my addled feeble artistic self I offer the following:
- Occasional Gifts
- Adulation to the point of over-doing it
- Massages
- Imaginative dates
- Mediocre (at best) Jokes
- Appreciation for even your least appreciable qualities
- Trust
- Understanding
- Good listening skills
- An extensive DVD collection
- A massive music library
- As limited as possible jealousy and insecurity
- And finally sex, I'm no porn star, but I'd like to think I'm fairly decent to pretty okay. I could either be over or under stating my abilities, this I leave solely to the judgement of the recipient.
I ask that feedback to this entry be merciful and well mannered, that which goes beyond those guidelines ought be kept private or as internal monologue. Also fuck anyone who stifles your self expression. Be yourself, and speak freely.
Love always,
Mike