Take me down to the paradise city.......... looks like its going to be one of those summers ;)
Bare with me. I haven't slept in 30+ hours. I am past the point where I can clearly proofread the small type for errors.
This is it. I am typing this from the library. Everything is packed in the car for the long 2 hour drive to South Carolina. I am guessing Im the last LJ person to leave Auburn, and the last one to be come home from college. The last one to type out his "college meant this to me." College was a great time, I learned alot about myself, I changed so much, I can't wait to get back, I dont want to go home, I will miss my friends, and everything, I am a better person now, I know so much because I was in college, look at me I am doing something with my life
blah blah blah blah
blah
blah
blah
on
and
on
and
on.
No. Not that. I did experience alot at Auburn, and in my first year of college. Change? Things did. But I didn't. I was so against "change" before I left, and not 6 months later, after having gone through so much, I gave into the concept that we all go through change and are forced to embrace it. But, now, I dont think so anymore. I don't think we change. Everything around us changes. People, friendships, relationships, jobs, feelings, connections, etc. We don't change. Our purpose and location does. Our setting does. We dont.
We grow. Together, apart. More imature, less imature. Older, younger. Happier, sadder. Smarter, less intelligent. Stonger, weaker. More spiritually, more isolated. We never change, but stay that same person that was born 18 +/- years ago. Same instincts, same intial reactions to certain situations. But we can grow more compassionate, accepting and open minded. We can grow into wonderful human beings and strive to better ourselves and mold ourselves every day. Every day people are growing. Some faster or slower than others. And every now and then we will leap forward, so as someone will say "This person has changed", which really just means they have grown as a person. Whether that's good or bad, is up to you, because ultimately we are all our own stars in our own play, with no real earthly audience but ourselves. Remember, What you were and what you will be doesn't matter; what matters is what you are are. But that's not what I learned here. Neither is taking care of myself. Being here on my own was pretty much just like living at home for me. MY parents never bothered me at home, but were there for me if I needed to talk. My grades were my own victories or defeats. Terrell Cafeteria is no better or worse than my parents cooking. My mom occasionally did laundry, and it didn't cost money at home.
I learned about myself somewhat. I learned what depths I can go to, and the kind of heights that I can dream about. Haven't been there yet, but I am aiming high. At what, I no longer know.
I had a long talk with a friend the another night about what we thought we were supposed to do and what we wanted to do. I have recently come to the conclusion that all of my previous conclusions may not be accurate. I have given up trying to figure out what I am going to doing. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up my dream of being in the CIA. Quite the contrary, I am actively pursuing information about it. But I am listening to God. I am not denying the possibility of me doing something else. I haven't heard anything from him concerning the matter either way, so I will continue my course, but in the back of my mind I realize nothing is set in stone. I can be in the CIA, but if I am in 10 or 15 years is another matter entirely. It is not my will, but His.
I believe its not coincidence that I had the worst 3 and 1/2 months of my life back to back with the best 3 and 1/2 months of my life. And I can honestly say that they were both the worst and the best. Hmmmm, but now that I think abou it 2 summers ago I experienced the best week back to back with the worst week. But that's another point entirely.
I have never doubted God's existence. Not since I was born. Until I was 16, I was in church every Sunday morning, night, Wednesday night, for every play, and every special service. When I turned 16 I slacked off, but I still went every Sunday morning. I was raised in church. My family has always taught me to believe in God. I believe that you can send a child to church for years and years, from the time they are born until they move out, and they might never be saved. They will learn good morals and ways to live, but God's grace is something a person has to accept for themselves. When Jennifer died, I gave up hope on myself and God. I knew he was around I just didnt want to talk to him. Last semester, I drank entirely too much. I wasted alot of money, and time. I let my grades slide, and lost the straight A's I had for the first time since. I did alot of other things I am not proud of. And hurt a few people. But, I got a wake up call. And ever since then, things have been going uphill. Not to say there hasn't been a few rough times. But I've always been able to remember He is with me, and I have a strong faith.
But, really, I haven't changed at all, or grown too much. So thats not really what I learned either. I didnt really learn much as far as classes go. There were some interesting tidbits or facts here and there in History or Biology, but there core classes never really got much attention, and were never very fun. I feel no smarter after a year in college. My parents might not be too happy to hear that. They would want their 12,000 back, Im sure.
I learned about love. What it meant, and what it was.
Ironic, I know, considering this year. But its true.
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
There are some things you never forget. The look on someone's face when they hear some news, good or bad; where you were when this or that happened; how this or that went down. Or, how a voice sounded over the phone and what was said. Especially if that voice died less than 2 weeks later.
When Jennifer called me and told me she couldn't come play paintball I was upset. She made the game fun the year before. But she promised me that as soon as I was back from South Carolina, we would go out together and exchange presents (her birthday was a month before mine) and just hang out with each other. I said that sounded like a good idea. Before I hung up the phone, I said goodbye. She said have a goodnight, and told me she loved me. I was a little shocked so I just hung up the phone. I sat there wondering if I should have said "I love you back". I told myself no, because you shouldn't say something just because it is the expected response, but you should say it only if its meant. I mean, no one save my parents had ever told me they loved me, much less a friend. I didnt even know what she meant by it. I wasnt even sure if you were allowed to say that to just a friend. I thought it was maybe just reserved for a girlfriend. After a few minutes, I didnt worry about it. But 2 weeks later, after news of the accident, it came back to me. I remember staying up late that night on the couch with the dog, staring at the TV screen, not knowing what to think or to do. All I knew was that I had to get back, because my friends were counting on me to be there for them, so I thought. Sadness didn't come. Nothing was real. Certainly not Jennifer's death. When I woke up the next morning, I was convinced it all would be a dream. It wasnt.
I remember what her dad whispered in my ear at the memorial. Something touching and from his heart, but all I had the words for was a yes sir, I cared for your daughter. I looked down and tired to say something that would make him feel better, something that would make him forget the pain of losing his daughter. All I found was pain from biting my lip so hard. Her mother, Mrs. Sally, said "Jennifer loved you so much." There was that word again. The pain in her voiced mirrored the same hurt, but courageous reservation that she had possessed when she asked me to help carry Jenn's casket. I went the whole memorial and funeral service without a tear. At the end of the service it started coming, but I had sunglasses on so no one could see. I wasn't being strong. I was just being a coward. I wasn't thinking about it. It seemed like she had gone on vacation but would be back soon.
When I got home I lost my "strength" and cried for a long time, remembering my unresponsiveness to Jenn's confession of her love as a friend for me.
Jenn was the best friend I've ever had that I didn't know was my best friend. I only later found out that she knew almost everything about me, and I knew less than half there was to know about her. I felt like a fraud, everyone calling me "The best friend." Her family members that I've never even met knowing who I was, and treating me just like I was part of the family. I didnt even know that Jenn had a "2nd" life of sorts in Huntsville. I knew none of her friends there.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I lost a best friend I never appreciated. And I never understood what it meant to love someone as a best friend. I love all of my friends, my family and God. Every friend I've ever had, no matter if we've grown apart, grown closer, or grown apart then closer or vice versa.
I've met alot of new people this year.
I've stayed in touch with alot of people from home.
I've lost touch with alot of people from home.
I've lost a friendship or 2 with people at home.
I've made friends with long lost friends from middle school.
I've become better friends with previous people.
One thing I pride myself on is being able to remember people. More specific friends, and every time one has been there for me. Because lord knows, my friends have been there for me and helped me plenty more times then I've done for them. Recently, I've been indebited to a few people for getting me jobs for this summer and next fall. Whether or not I get the jobs, these people vouched for me, and told the bosses how great of a guy I was. I am far from a great guy. And the bosses, in both instances, have sat down with me and said "You seem like a good guy, but the only reason that I am seriously talking to you is because I repect ______ so much and put alot of trust in him. He tells me that you are a good guy, and that means the world to me." I dont deserve friends like that. I dont deserve people who will ride with me somewhere at 11pm on a school night and sit outside and talk with me for 3+ hours, or people who will come down to the coffee shop just to see me every Wed night, or friends who will patiently listen to me as I complain about the same problem over and over again. I dont deserve friends like this. Especially all the new friends I've made this year. They have had to put up with a completely different me than usual. Month to month I felt like I was PMSing with my moods. But they were there for me, and still are, and are quickly becoming life long friends. Even through a fight, everyone has moved on, and we are all better friends than before. And all my friends from home. Having to put up with my late night phone calls, and drunk phone calls. I have some very special friends and I understand that.
My mom told me the other day that to love someone is to be able to step forward and say you are sorry for a mistake you made. That's what love is about. Being able to be honest, even when you have to take the blame.
I am sorry for everything to all of my friends, past and present. Found and lost. Aquaintances, friends, best friends, more than friends. I am sorry. I made and make alot of mistakes. I realized a few more things about myself, now that I think about it.
I dont know anything.
I am not that smart.
I dont have any answers.
I am not as strong as I thought I was.
But people like my family, and all the people around me I can call "friends" make me feel a little more special, that I have better than I deserve. And, of course, God is always there for me.
I am not a writer. I am not here to write a beautiful, heart-felt description to explain why the universe is one way or another. Nor am I here to write something so spectacular and thought-provoking, people who read it have to reread it twice and ponder it for longer than a second. In 165 journal entries, I have never done either of those. I have never changed the world with my Live Journal entries, and I dont want to. I dont want to write anything that should be worthy of more than a glance. I just want to lay down how I feel about certain things. I dont want anymore missed oppurtunities. I have love in my heart- for my family, my mom and dad; God, my savior; and my friends. I love each and everyone of my friends. From start of my life to end, and no matter what the status of our relationship is currently, if you ever needed anything, I would be there. I would drop what I am doing and come. I have done it before. I love my friends. Something I just feel needs to be said.
College, the first year, has been a stepping stone. The first cautious step onto the sailboat, unsure of whether it will tip over or not. Getting ready to set sail for life.
"You cannot control the winds you encounter; all you can do is adjust your sails."
Its over. When I walk out of this room, I will feel the sun on my face and it wont go away for 3 and 1/2 months. There's no worrying or sadness this summer. I am starting the summer the best way I can. In NC with some great guys. It will be an awesome time - no tv, no computer, no cell phone. Just the guys and the Appalacian Mountains, the lake, the fishing boat, and the water skis. Then on to Summer 2K4. I wont worry about the CIA, or grades or college or anything. I am throwing caution to the wind. Everything that happens, will happen. And I will be happy the whole time.
This summer I am winging everything.
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Genuine happiness for the first time in a long time is something that only God and those around me can take credit for. The smile on my face no longer looks fake.
Raf and I spent our last night in Auburn at Waffle House. From 3:30am to 6:30 am just hanging out and drinking coffee. We talked to a guy next to us who had been in Auburn for 49 years. He looked like Don Knots. Towards the end of the conversation we got up to leave and he told us to wait. He said "boys, I been in Alabama all my life, and never seen anything nor anywhere else. I love this state and all, but remember, theres a whole wide world out there. Take advantage of that."
I dont know about Raf, but I plan to. But all in good time. I have places to go and things to do. But all in good time. I am enjoying today first, then I have tomorrow, then the next day, then after that the next day......
Tread slowly for I know
There's a thousand miles to go
Without blinking.........
This is it. I am typing this from the library. Everything is packed in the car for the long 2 hour drive to South Carolina. I am guessing Im the last LJ person to leave Auburn, and the last one to be come home from college. The last one to type out his "college meant this to me." College was a great time, I learned alot about myself, I changed so much, I can't wait to get back, I dont want to go home, I will miss my friends, and everything, I am a better person now, I know so much because I was in college, look at me I am doing something with my life
blah blah blah blah
blah
blah
blah
on
and
on
and
on.
No. Not that. I did experience alot at Auburn, and in my first year of college. Change? Things did. But I didn't. I was so against "change" before I left, and not 6 months later, after having gone through so much, I gave into the concept that we all go through change and are forced to embrace it. But, now, I dont think so anymore. I don't think we change. Everything around us changes. People, friendships, relationships, jobs, feelings, connections, etc. We don't change. Our purpose and location does. Our setting does. We dont.
We grow. Together, apart. More imature, less imature. Older, younger. Happier, sadder. Smarter, less intelligent. Stonger, weaker. More spiritually, more isolated. We never change, but stay that same person that was born 18 +/- years ago. Same instincts, same intial reactions to certain situations. But we can grow more compassionate, accepting and open minded. We can grow into wonderful human beings and strive to better ourselves and mold ourselves every day. Every day people are growing. Some faster or slower than others. And every now and then we will leap forward, so as someone will say "This person has changed", which really just means they have grown as a person. Whether that's good or bad, is up to you, because ultimately we are all our own stars in our own play, with no real earthly audience but ourselves. Remember, What you were and what you will be doesn't matter; what matters is what you are are. But that's not what I learned here. Neither is taking care of myself. Being here on my own was pretty much just like living at home for me. MY parents never bothered me at home, but were there for me if I needed to talk. My grades were my own victories or defeats. Terrell Cafeteria is no better or worse than my parents cooking. My mom occasionally did laundry, and it didn't cost money at home.
I learned about myself somewhat. I learned what depths I can go to, and the kind of heights that I can dream about. Haven't been there yet, but I am aiming high. At what, I no longer know.
I had a long talk with a friend the another night about what we thought we were supposed to do and what we wanted to do. I have recently come to the conclusion that all of my previous conclusions may not be accurate. I have given up trying to figure out what I am going to doing. Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up my dream of being in the CIA. Quite the contrary, I am actively pursuing information about it. But I am listening to God. I am not denying the possibility of me doing something else. I haven't heard anything from him concerning the matter either way, so I will continue my course, but in the back of my mind I realize nothing is set in stone. I can be in the CIA, but if I am in 10 or 15 years is another matter entirely. It is not my will, but His.
I believe its not coincidence that I had the worst 3 and 1/2 months of my life back to back with the best 3 and 1/2 months of my life. And I can honestly say that they were both the worst and the best. Hmmmm, but now that I think abou it 2 summers ago I experienced the best week back to back with the worst week. But that's another point entirely.
I have never doubted God's existence. Not since I was born. Until I was 16, I was in church every Sunday morning, night, Wednesday night, for every play, and every special service. When I turned 16 I slacked off, but I still went every Sunday morning. I was raised in church. My family has always taught me to believe in God. I believe that you can send a child to church for years and years, from the time they are born until they move out, and they might never be saved. They will learn good morals and ways to live, but God's grace is something a person has to accept for themselves. When Jennifer died, I gave up hope on myself and God. I knew he was around I just didnt want to talk to him. Last semester, I drank entirely too much. I wasted alot of money, and time. I let my grades slide, and lost the straight A's I had for the first time since. I did alot of other things I am not proud of. And hurt a few people. But, I got a wake up call. And ever since then, things have been going uphill. Not to say there hasn't been a few rough times. But I've always been able to remember He is with me, and I have a strong faith.
But, really, I haven't changed at all, or grown too much. So thats not really what I learned either. I didnt really learn much as far as classes go. There were some interesting tidbits or facts here and there in History or Biology, but there core classes never really got much attention, and were never very fun. I feel no smarter after a year in college. My parents might not be too happy to hear that. They would want their 12,000 back, Im sure.
I learned about love. What it meant, and what it was.
Ironic, I know, considering this year. But its true.
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
There are some things you never forget. The look on someone's face when they hear some news, good or bad; where you were when this or that happened; how this or that went down. Or, how a voice sounded over the phone and what was said. Especially if that voice died less than 2 weeks later.
When Jennifer called me and told me she couldn't come play paintball I was upset. She made the game fun the year before. But she promised me that as soon as I was back from South Carolina, we would go out together and exchange presents (her birthday was a month before mine) and just hang out with each other. I said that sounded like a good idea. Before I hung up the phone, I said goodbye. She said have a goodnight, and told me she loved me. I was a little shocked so I just hung up the phone. I sat there wondering if I should have said "I love you back". I told myself no, because you shouldn't say something just because it is the expected response, but you should say it only if its meant. I mean, no one save my parents had ever told me they loved me, much less a friend. I didnt even know what she meant by it. I wasnt even sure if you were allowed to say that to just a friend. I thought it was maybe just reserved for a girlfriend. After a few minutes, I didnt worry about it. But 2 weeks later, after news of the accident, it came back to me. I remember staying up late that night on the couch with the dog, staring at the TV screen, not knowing what to think or to do. All I knew was that I had to get back, because my friends were counting on me to be there for them, so I thought. Sadness didn't come. Nothing was real. Certainly not Jennifer's death. When I woke up the next morning, I was convinced it all would be a dream. It wasnt.
I remember what her dad whispered in my ear at the memorial. Something touching and from his heart, but all I had the words for was a yes sir, I cared for your daughter. I looked down and tired to say something that would make him feel better, something that would make him forget the pain of losing his daughter. All I found was pain from biting my lip so hard. Her mother, Mrs. Sally, said "Jennifer loved you so much." There was that word again. The pain in her voiced mirrored the same hurt, but courageous reservation that she had possessed when she asked me to help carry Jenn's casket. I went the whole memorial and funeral service without a tear. At the end of the service it started coming, but I had sunglasses on so no one could see. I wasn't being strong. I was just being a coward. I wasn't thinking about it. It seemed like she had gone on vacation but would be back soon.
When I got home I lost my "strength" and cried for a long time, remembering my unresponsiveness to Jenn's confession of her love as a friend for me.
Jenn was the best friend I've ever had that I didn't know was my best friend. I only later found out that she knew almost everything about me, and I knew less than half there was to know about her. I felt like a fraud, everyone calling me "The best friend." Her family members that I've never even met knowing who I was, and treating me just like I was part of the family. I didnt even know that Jenn had a "2nd" life of sorts in Huntsville. I knew none of her friends there.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I lost a best friend I never appreciated. And I never understood what it meant to love someone as a best friend. I love all of my friends, my family and God. Every friend I've ever had, no matter if we've grown apart, grown closer, or grown apart then closer or vice versa.
I've met alot of new people this year.
I've stayed in touch with alot of people from home.
I've lost touch with alot of people from home.
I've lost a friendship or 2 with people at home.
I've made friends with long lost friends from middle school.
I've become better friends with previous people.
One thing I pride myself on is being able to remember people. More specific friends, and every time one has been there for me. Because lord knows, my friends have been there for me and helped me plenty more times then I've done for them. Recently, I've been indebited to a few people for getting me jobs for this summer and next fall. Whether or not I get the jobs, these people vouched for me, and told the bosses how great of a guy I was. I am far from a great guy. And the bosses, in both instances, have sat down with me and said "You seem like a good guy, but the only reason that I am seriously talking to you is because I repect ______ so much and put alot of trust in him. He tells me that you are a good guy, and that means the world to me." I dont deserve friends like that. I dont deserve people who will ride with me somewhere at 11pm on a school night and sit outside and talk with me for 3+ hours, or people who will come down to the coffee shop just to see me every Wed night, or friends who will patiently listen to me as I complain about the same problem over and over again. I dont deserve friends like this. Especially all the new friends I've made this year. They have had to put up with a completely different me than usual. Month to month I felt like I was PMSing with my moods. But they were there for me, and still are, and are quickly becoming life long friends. Even through a fight, everyone has moved on, and we are all better friends than before. And all my friends from home. Having to put up with my late night phone calls, and drunk phone calls. I have some very special friends and I understand that.
My mom told me the other day that to love someone is to be able to step forward and say you are sorry for a mistake you made. That's what love is about. Being able to be honest, even when you have to take the blame.
I am sorry for everything to all of my friends, past and present. Found and lost. Aquaintances, friends, best friends, more than friends. I am sorry. I made and make alot of mistakes. I realized a few more things about myself, now that I think about it.
I dont know anything.
I am not that smart.
I dont have any answers.
I am not as strong as I thought I was.
But people like my family, and all the people around me I can call "friends" make me feel a little more special, that I have better than I deserve. And, of course, God is always there for me.
I am not a writer. I am not here to write a beautiful, heart-felt description to explain why the universe is one way or another. Nor am I here to write something so spectacular and thought-provoking, people who read it have to reread it twice and ponder it for longer than a second. In 165 journal entries, I have never done either of those. I have never changed the world with my Live Journal entries, and I dont want to. I dont want to write anything that should be worthy of more than a glance. I just want to lay down how I feel about certain things. I dont want anymore missed oppurtunities. I have love in my heart- for my family, my mom and dad; God, my savior; and my friends. I love each and everyone of my friends. From start of my life to end, and no matter what the status of our relationship is currently, if you ever needed anything, I would be there. I would drop what I am doing and come. I have done it before. I love my friends. Something I just feel needs to be said.
College, the first year, has been a stepping stone. The first cautious step onto the sailboat, unsure of whether it will tip over or not. Getting ready to set sail for life.
"You cannot control the winds you encounter; all you can do is adjust your sails."
Its over. When I walk out of this room, I will feel the sun on my face and it wont go away for 3 and 1/2 months. There's no worrying or sadness this summer. I am starting the summer the best way I can. In NC with some great guys. It will be an awesome time - no tv, no computer, no cell phone. Just the guys and the Appalacian Mountains, the lake, the fishing boat, and the water skis. Then on to Summer 2K4. I wont worry about the CIA, or grades or college or anything. I am throwing caution to the wind. Everything that happens, will happen. And I will be happy the whole time.
This summer I am winging everything.
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Genuine happiness for the first time in a long time is something that only God and those around me can take credit for. The smile on my face no longer looks fake.
Raf and I spent our last night in Auburn at Waffle House. From 3:30am to 6:30 am just hanging out and drinking coffee. We talked to a guy next to us who had been in Auburn for 49 years. He looked like Don Knots. Towards the end of the conversation we got up to leave and he told us to wait. He said "boys, I been in Alabama all my life, and never seen anything nor anywhere else. I love this state and all, but remember, theres a whole wide world out there. Take advantage of that."
I dont know about Raf, but I plan to. But all in good time. I have places to go and things to do. But all in good time. I am enjoying today first, then I have tomorrow, then the next day, then after that the next day......
Tread slowly for I know
There's a thousand miles to go
Without blinking.........