Secrets. Part 4. It's Not Unusual.
IT’S NOT UNUSUAL by anxioussquirrel
Blaine is glad he’s sitting in the shadows at the back of the auditorium, unnoticed, because he has no control over his face whatsoever as he watches New Directions perform their number, his eyes focused only on one person, so close to his heart.
Kurt’s only been back at McKinley for days and Blaine already misses him like crazy. It had hurt to see him go, to encourage him to do so now that he’s safe here. And Blaine had known damn well just how much he’d lose because of it - spending time together at school and practices; kissing in empty common rooms and passing glances in corridors; performing together. But he’s glad he did it because this is what Kurt needs, and he’s never seen it so clearly as he does now.
Kurt’s in his element here, on this stage, in these clothes, amongst these people. He’s happy. He’s himself in all his glory. And damn is he sexy. Blaine can’t take his eyes away from his boyfriend, feeling mesmerized, more and more turned on by the minute.
Kurt with his arms up, his jacket being ripped open by two girls. Kurt’s white T-shirt hugging a slender torso. Kurt moving his hips in a tantalizing way while strutting up and down the stage. Kurt’s bare arms, lean and toned. Kurt - tall, manly, gorgeous, proudly displaying that he LIKES BOYS and confidently singing about being okay with who he is. His voice, his face, his lips, his hair. This is Kurt. Baby penguin his ass.
By the time the group finishes their number, Blaine is going out of his mind. He needs Kurt, needs to kiss him, touch him right now, or he’ll go insane. Holding his folded jacket in front of his crotch to hide the obvious bulge in his uniform pants - and damn, these things are way too revealing - Blaine quietly makes his way to the wings, to the right from the stage where the last of New Directions are laughing and hugging. He stands in the deep shadow, waiting for the group to disperse, hoping to be able to intercept Kurt alone.
The universe must like him today because Kurt is the last one left in the auditorium, busy retying his shoes, and Blaine steps out of the shadows in time to grab his hand and pull him behind the black curtain as he walks by a minute later. Kurt tries to pull his hand free, startled, but once his eyes get used to the dim light and he realizes the who holds him, he stops fighting and his eyes go wide instead.
“Blaine? What are you doing here? I thought I wouldn’t see you until tomorrow!”
Blaine loses no time as he pushes Kurt gently against the wall and presses close, whispering against his sweaty neck.
“I wanted to surprise you. And you kept talking about this special number you were going to perform today, so here I am. And damn, Kurt, you killed me up there. I’ve always known you’re sexy, but this? This level of hotness should be illegal.”
Kurt tips his head against the wall and doesn’t manage to suppress a moan as Blaine kisses his neck with unrestrained ferocity - tongue and teeth and delicious slide down his pale throat to a collarbone, barely hidden under the plain white t-shirt. The t-shirt showing the world how brave his boyfriend is, how certain of who he is, and proud of it.
Blaine runs his fingers through the hair on the back of Kurt’s head - an activity forbidden on a daily basis, but now, with his hair messy and sticking out (and oh, sex hair is on the front of Blaine’s mind, but he doesn’t let himself go there because he’s certain his brain will explode), Kurt doesn’t protest at all as Blaine pulls him into a deep kiss. Their lips part, their tongues meet immediately, fighting for dominance, so different from how they usually kiss, and Kurt keens when Blaine’s other hand slips under the hem of his t-shirt, resting on the small of his back, against hot, smooth skin. This is new. They’ve been making out with increasing heat over the last weeks, but clothes have defined the boundaries up till now.
Blaine has just found the last couple of brain cells unaffected by want and tries to concentrate on the thought that he should slow down, ask if it’s alright, when Kurt - his shy, afraid of anything sexual Kurt - rolls his hips against Blaine’s and all thoughts are forgotten. The amazing pressure of Kurt’s erection against the crease of his thigh causes Blaine to buck his hips forward, seeking friction, finding it easily, and this is right, the way they fit against each other like two puzzle pieces, pressed close from toes to frantic lips, their hips rocking together with increasing ferocity, air around them heavy with moans, whimpers and heavy breathing.
It is after Kurt cries his name in a breathless, broken voice that Blaine suddenly realizes what they are doing. It’s like a bucket of cold water. What is he thinking? Well, he isn’t, that’s the problem. Yeah, he’s fantasized about this, but he should have at least asked Kurt if he’s ready to go this far before jumping him!
Blaine stills his hips and tries to put some distance between them, but Kurt pulls him back immediately. One look at his flushed, disheveled boyfriend and Blaine’s resolve falters. But it’s Kurt’s voice that does him in, all needy and frantic.
“Blaine, no, please, please let me…”
In a heartbeat, Blaine is back flush against him, kissing, pressing, rocking, all heat and perfect friction and Kurt. He feels himself tense, his muscles trembling, heat coiling low in his belly and he whispers against Kurt’s sweaty neck, words and phrases that can’t make much sense, and then he feels it. He feels Kurt’s hips stutter once, twice, his cock pulsing against Blaine’s hip as Kurt keens Blaine Blaine Blaine like a prayer.
It’s enough to push Blaine over the edge and he’s lost in the glorious, blissful sensations that are so much better than anything he dreamed about, than his own hand, until he feels Kurt stiffen and gasp.
***As soon as Kurt comes down from his orgasmic high, the familiar guilt hits him like a freight train, except it’s so much worse now. This is not a dream, not even a daydream of the kind that sneak up on him sometimes when he’s not careful enough. No, this is actual reality and Kurt wants the earth to swallow him right now. Blaine is still leaning heavily against him, head on his shoulder, breath fast and ragged against his neck, and Kurt doesn’t know how he can look into his boyfriend’s eyes now. Now that he’s done what he was so afraid to do all along - letting his dirty mind infect the reality of their relationship. He’s pressured Blaine to go further than he was ready to go. That short moment when Blaine tensed and withdrew burns Kurt’s memory like a red-hot coal.
And he doesn’t even have a moment to think, to decide what to do - running away and moving out of state immediately seems to be the only option so far - because in the next instant Blaine raises his head to look at him. But Kurt can’t, can’t look him in the eyes, he doesn’t deserve to; so he hangs his head, trying to suppress the tears rushing to flow and choke him. He’s ruined it, he knows; destroyed this beautiful, innocent thing they’ve built, this relationship that’s been better than he could dream of. But… Blaine deserves at least to know why, to be told how sorry Kurt is.
So he speaks, his voice trembling and small in the tiny nook behind the curtain.
“I’m sorry, Blaine, I’m so sorry. I’ve been trying so hard not to let it happen, but my damn mind is just… I swear, I tried to stop ever since the first time, I did everything I could to control it, and it worked, too, so for months now it’s been only at night that it’s happened, and I respect you, I swear. But when you’re so close, I just… I can’t think, I have no control… Which is no excuse of course, and you deserve so much better, and I’m so sorry I pushed you into…”
Blaine interrupts him, incredulously.
“Kurt, what are you talking about?”
There’s such honest confusion in Blaine’s voice that Kurt has to look up at him. He’s stunned to see a beautifully flushed face, eyes sparkling with happiness and a huge smile dimmed only a little by anxiety. His certainty falters, the answer coming as more of a question.
“Um… I… I pressured you? Into going further than you were ready for?”
Blaine shakes his head quickly.
“No you didn’t! Are you kidding? I was so ready! I thought you weren’t.”
Kurt feels as if a giant weight lifted from his heart. He’s breathless, barely able to speak.
“Really? Because I was. I am. Just… lately.”
Blaine laughs now, happy and carefree, and hugs Kurt tightly, leaning in to kiss him, and it’s like a pardon, like an execution delayed. Probably not called off, but if he’s lucky and Blaine doesn’t press for information, they still have a chance. He still has a chance to work on his problem. And he will, harder than ever, so hard, if only…
“Kurt, what did you mean? What did you try to stop or control? What happens only at night now?”
Yeah, no such luck. He has no choice but to confess now. He mumbles the answer quietly, too ashamed to hear it out loud, when even thinking about it feels so wrong.
“Baby, tell me.”
“I mean the fantasies.” He whispers and hides his burning face on Blaine’s shoulder, waiting for the shock, or anger, or disappointment at best, but it doesn’t come. He feels a warm hand on the nape of his neck instead. There’s a smile and curiosity in Blaine’s voice.
“The fantasies? As in, sexual fantasies?” Kurt nods, his face still hidden. “About… about me?”
“Yes.” Here it is, now Blaine has to understand, right?
“But Kurt, why would you try to stop those?”
He raises his head now. What kind of question is that?
“Um, because I respect you? And I’m really not a pervert, I swear.”
“Of course you’re not. You’re a teenage boy, with teenage hormones and teenage needs. It’s absolutely normal to fantasize, everyone does.”
“What?” He must have misunderstood.
“Wait, you didn’t know that? Really, believe me, it’s nothing unusual. I’ve been in an all-boys school long enough to hear way too much about it. It’s more unusual not to fantasize, I think. I do it too, you know.”
“You… you do?”
“Of course I do. I dream about you, too. Do you want me to tell you more about it?” Blaine’s voice is getting lower, seductive, and Kurt feels desire simmer in his blood again, but he blushes furiously. He’s definitely not ready for that.
“No, nono, thank you. I… I think we should go, you know.”
Blaine smiles and kisses him softly once more.
“Okay. Thank you, Kurt. Thank you for… this. It was amazing.”
Kurt feels light, lighter than he’s felt in months, since December in fact.
“It was.”
That evening Kurt goes to bed without spending hours trying to tire himself out. He falls asleep with Blaine’s beautiful face in his mind, smiling and reminding himself it’s okay to think, to remember and imagine. It’s normal.
When he wakes up in the morning on the verge of yet another orgasm, the first reaction is guilt, as it always is. But then he remembers Blaine’s words. It’s allowed. These dreams and thoughts are normal and he’s neither a pervert nor a bad boyfriend because of them.
So he decides not to fight it anymore. He slides his hand under his pajama pants, closing his eyes and recalling last afternoon.
He’s safe.