Secrets. Part 6. Twining.
Secrets. Part 6. Twining. by
Little A/N first: Sorry this took so long. I've been working on Nano and that kind of took up all my headspace. And then this story got jossed hardcore by 3.05 and I lost my momentum for a bit. But finally, here is the conclusion to our little story. This takes place the morning after Prom, directly after the events in the previous section of the story. I only mention this because it is important to remember that they have not exchanged I Love You's yet.
~*~
Eventually, Blaine pushes away, ghosting a kiss over his temple. “I’ll be right back.”
Kurt turns away a bit, keeping his eyes closed, feeling sticky and exposed. He has to resist the urge to curl up into himself, has to remind himself that he is safe with Blaine, that they should talk and work things out.
Only he doesn’t know what he wants to say, just that this doesn’t feel right. The way he feels now- he’s not sure what it is, but it’s definitely not good. It makes him feel small and naive and stupid, letting himself get caught up and swept away, doing things he’s barely let himself think about. Doing things with Blaine that he’s probably not ready for.
When Blaine returns, it’s with a washcloth and clean pants for him. Kurt can feel his face, bright red and drawn tight; he rolls over quickly, not wanting Blaine to see him, ashamed of his nakedness. Pulling the pants on quickly, he sits on the edge of the bed, gripping the mattress with white knuckled fingers, wondering what he should do now.
“Kurt.” Blaine’s hand is soft, an open palm flaring heat through Kurt’s too tender skin. “Kurt, come on, come here.” He lets Blaine pull him down, laying next to him so they are facing each other only he can’t, he cannot look at Blaine right now so he does what feels best, burying his face in the sanctuary of Blaine’s skin, tucking it into the crook of his shoulder and neck. Blaine’s fingers are warm and sure, tracing patterns along his prickling back. When he shivers, Blaine moves to pull the covers over them.
Kurt thinks about Prom the night before, of being exposed and terrified, on display as a joke for the student body. How much it had taken, to stand up in front of them, to smile and show them that no matter what they did, they could not bring him down.
There are many things in Kurt Hummel’s life that he counts as blessings. Friends, his father, his family…Blaine. Blaine who knows him, who understands what it is like, who came at the lowest point in his life, offering hope and friendship and god, he is so lucky. He never really thought he’d have this- Blaine, a relationship, a boyfriend- right now. Kurt’s known what he deserves, known that he is entitled to love and romance and companionship. He just never let himself think he’d have it- not in Ohio, not this young.
“Kurt, can you…do you want to talk?” His sigh sinks into the asylum of Blaine’s skin. The worry and uncertainty in Blaine’s voice tug at him.
“I don’t know what to say, really.” Kurt keeps his voice hushed, his fingers on Blaine’s shoulder wanting to grip, to pull him close and tight because it feels safe. It feels safe and like he’s loved and they haven’t said that yet, but he thinks it, all the time.
“It was too fast, wasn’t it?” He can hear the way Blaine works to keep his tone neutral. Kurt squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to hurt Blaine, but he can’t hurt himself either and they’ve always been honest with each other. Even when it is hard.
“Maybe? I just…it’s a lot. I…you’re going to think I’m so juvenile….” Kurt can tell by the way Blaine shifts that he’s surprised, but he keeps his eyes closed, leaning further into Blaine, into the blind safety of this space that smells like Blaine and him and it’s comforting and familiar.
“Come on, no, don’t do that.” The gentle pressure of Blaine’s lips, along and down his forehead, is grounding. Soothing. “You can tell me anything. I want...I need to know what you think, how you feel, so we can figure this out, together.” Nodding, Kurt steels himself, looking up and into Blaine’s eyes. They are bright and sad, his fingers on Kurt’s cheek so tender.
“I...” With a sigh, he shuffles back, laying his head on the pillow next to Blaine, stroking his fingers down the warm sinew of his bicep, down to Blaine’s fingers. He tries to piece together his thoughts, fragments and feelings, watching the way their skin looks, fingers twining.
“Do you remember, when my dad had that horrible and embarrassing sex talk with me, a while ago?” He waits for Blaine’s nod, “He told me that I should wait. Wait to use sex as a way to get closer to someone.” Blaine’s frown, the way his forehead crinkles has Kurt rushing the next part.
“And I want to. I mean, I feel closer to you now, yes, but...I...it’s a lot, to change, to go from not letting myself think about these things, to learning how to start letting myself want them, and suddenly-”
“Suddenly you’re doing them.” Blaine finishes.
“Yeah.” He wiggles closer still, touching their foreheads together. “I always thought my first time would be...romantic. Candles and music and...and we would have talked about it and I would be sure.” Kurt can see, in the way Blaine’s eyes dart away, the sadness etched around the firm lines of his lips, that he is blaming himself.
“No, no honey. We did this, together. You didn’t push me, or pressure me- it’s nothing like that. I just...let myself get carried away.” I need to be sure, he thinks. Sure that you love me, sure that I matter as much to you as you do to me. But he doesn’t say it. Because Blaine is many things, but he’s a people-pleaser. Kurt doesn’t know if he could stand to have Blaine say it, tell him he loves him, if he wasn’t sure it was the truth. It’s dumb, but Kurt knows, he needs to hear Blaine say it first. However long it takes, he can wait.
“I don’t want to rush anything. I want to be able to enjoy this- you. To learn about you and the things you like and how to be together and...” Blaine cuts him off with a kiss; it’s desperate but tendersoft and so earnest. Kurt’s toes curl into it, his body swaying gently into Blaine’s skin. When Blaine pulls away, his eyes are honeybrown with apology.
“I want that too.”
Kurt closes his eyes. Through their tangled fingers, pressed between their chests, he can feel Blaine’s heartbeat, hard and strong. He wonders how it is that this feels closer than what they’d done before. He knows, knows he’s right to want to wait, to ask for some time to catch up. To let himself think about and want things he’s denied himself for so long before doing them.
“I don’t think it’s juvenile, by the way.” The smile is little but genuine, Blaine’s eyes still serious. “Wanting romance and candles and to be sure. I want those things too. We just have to... be careful. And talk. Not let ourselves get carried away.”
Kurt nods. When he leans forward to whisper a kiss against those smiling lips, its with warmth spreading and multiplying under his skin. It’s with the understanding that things are going to happen, bad things, sometimes. Prom night being ruined is an example. Rushing things and feeling exposed and scared just now is another. But through it all, he thinks, the only thing that matters will be this. The knowledge that no one can ruin what he has with this beautiful boy. Not even them, because here, within this circle they create with their lips and hands and hearts, is the safest space, the safest space for both of them.