Dreams Do Come True
Today feels like that moment that you plan for your whole life.
Let me see if I can explain. As we go through life we always have this nebulous future......thing.....that we are moving toward. Just when we think we are getting close, the "thing" gets moved to a new place, or it changes shape or it turns out that it's not what you wanted.
Since I have started my new job I have felt a sense of contentment, peace and happiness like I have never known before. I knew my job was frustrating me, but not that it's over I'm amazed at how much of a problem it had become. It was awful never knowing when I'm going home, what days I'll be working or for how long. This isn't the fault of the company. It's just how things work in acute dialysis. I just had to make up my mind that it isn't working for me anymore and I can't do it.
I started my PRN job and within the hour of walking through the door they offered me a full-time position. I said "yes" the minute I exhaled. This job is a long commute, which is a bummer, and I have a busted car seat which makes it even more of a bummer. Yet now my schedule is what it is. No more working four hours longer than I had planned. There might be the occasional 30 minutes to an hour over, but 16 to 22-hour days are a thing of the past.
I also can be a nurse. There are equipment techs who deal with the machines. They maintain them, disinfect them, set them up, test them and string the lines. When I arrive at the bedside my machine is ready to go. All I have to do is hook up the patient. At the end of treatment as I'm tending to my patient or doing my charting, a tech creeps in behind me, dismantles the machine, disinfects and it gets it ready for the next shift. I go to lunch, and when I come back I give a nod to the transporter, go to the bathroom to take care of business, touch up my lipstick, pop in a breath mint, and when I come out, my patient is in the room and I can get started. I don't have to drag a machine around or push a patient's bed. I might have to help transfer the patient from the gurney to the bed, but that only takes 5 seconds.
My schedule is working 4 days one week and 3 days the next. That means every week I automatically get 8 hours of overtime plus, if I manage my schedule right, I can get four days off in a row. I did just that this past week, and it was just incredibly nice. Working 2 days in a row is hectic. What with the 12-hour shift and a 45 to 90-minute commute, depending on traffice, I barely have time to get home, shower and go to bed before I have to get up again. But with the ample time off I have I don't have the grinding fatigue and bodily weariness that I had before.
Of course I have to make good use of my days off as far as planning my meals. They have a wonderful cafeteria with lots of healthy options, but it's very spendy. I can easily spend $10 on lunch, which is okay for some people but unacceptable to me. It doesn't help that I'm old enough to remember paying $1.50 a day for lunch at my very first hospital job. I eat all 3 meals at work, so that means I have to prepare enough food for 6 meals. Things move pretty fast on arrival, so I usually eat breakfast in my car because there is no time to eat breakfast once I get to work. I can have a luxurious lunch, but the breakroom is cramped and crowded. The downside of regular hours is we all eat lunch at the same time, so I try to take something that doesn't need a lot of fuss. Then at the end of the day I like to eat dinner before I drive home. That way when I get home I'm digested and ready for bed. I don't have to deal with making a meal when I get home and then having to tidy up afterward.
Some of this may change though. I've been in orientation for a few weeks, so I've been getting to work at 7 am along with a couple thousand other people. My actual hours will be noon to midnight so, not only will I miss rush hour both ways, I can also maybe go in about 30 minutes early to eat my lunch (or breakfast) before I start for the day. The problem with eating breakfast at home is after a 90-minute commute and then running a treatment, I may not get to eat for 6 or 7 hours, and I just can't go that long without eating.
Once all that is over and I'm home, there is peace and serenity. J and I bob around in our lovely swimming pool, talking and joking, looking at each other with starry-eyed love, and talk about the future. Then we retire to our rain shower with tumbled marble tile and wash each other's backs, then snuggle on the couch, maybe have dinner or a snack, and feel so cozy and content. This is the life we dreamed of and it's here. We are both very aware of how far we have come as a couple, all the hard work and tension that we put into this house and into this relationship, so we appreciate it. We drink in the moments knowing that what we have is beautiful and rare. We don't want to miss a moment of it.
This is why I killed myself in nursing school. This is why I broke my brain learning dosage calculations. This is why we fight and cry and break up and cry and make up again. This. This life. This is what we fought for.
Let me see if I can explain. As we go through life we always have this nebulous future......thing.....that we are moving toward. Just when we think we are getting close, the "thing" gets moved to a new place, or it changes shape or it turns out that it's not what you wanted.
Since I have started my new job I have felt a sense of contentment, peace and happiness like I have never known before. I knew my job was frustrating me, but not that it's over I'm amazed at how much of a problem it had become. It was awful never knowing when I'm going home, what days I'll be working or for how long. This isn't the fault of the company. It's just how things work in acute dialysis. I just had to make up my mind that it isn't working for me anymore and I can't do it.
I started my PRN job and within the hour of walking through the door they offered me a full-time position. I said "yes" the minute I exhaled. This job is a long commute, which is a bummer, and I have a busted car seat which makes it even more of a bummer. Yet now my schedule is what it is. No more working four hours longer than I had planned. There might be the occasional 30 minutes to an hour over, but 16 to 22-hour days are a thing of the past.
I also can be a nurse. There are equipment techs who deal with the machines. They maintain them, disinfect them, set them up, test them and string the lines. When I arrive at the bedside my machine is ready to go. All I have to do is hook up the patient. At the end of treatment as I'm tending to my patient or doing my charting, a tech creeps in behind me, dismantles the machine, disinfects and it gets it ready for the next shift. I go to lunch, and when I come back I give a nod to the transporter, go to the bathroom to take care of business, touch up my lipstick, pop in a breath mint, and when I come out, my patient is in the room and I can get started. I don't have to drag a machine around or push a patient's bed. I might have to help transfer the patient from the gurney to the bed, but that only takes 5 seconds.
My schedule is working 4 days one week and 3 days the next. That means every week I automatically get 8 hours of overtime plus, if I manage my schedule right, I can get four days off in a row. I did just that this past week, and it was just incredibly nice. Working 2 days in a row is hectic. What with the 12-hour shift and a 45 to 90-minute commute, depending on traffice, I barely have time to get home, shower and go to bed before I have to get up again. But with the ample time off I have I don't have the grinding fatigue and bodily weariness that I had before.
Of course I have to make good use of my days off as far as planning my meals. They have a wonderful cafeteria with lots of healthy options, but it's very spendy. I can easily spend $10 on lunch, which is okay for some people but unacceptable to me. It doesn't help that I'm old enough to remember paying $1.50 a day for lunch at my very first hospital job. I eat all 3 meals at work, so that means I have to prepare enough food for 6 meals. Things move pretty fast on arrival, so I usually eat breakfast in my car because there is no time to eat breakfast once I get to work. I can have a luxurious lunch, but the breakroom is cramped and crowded. The downside of regular hours is we all eat lunch at the same time, so I try to take something that doesn't need a lot of fuss. Then at the end of the day I like to eat dinner before I drive home. That way when I get home I'm digested and ready for bed. I don't have to deal with making a meal when I get home and then having to tidy up afterward.
Some of this may change though. I've been in orientation for a few weeks, so I've been getting to work at 7 am along with a couple thousand other people. My actual hours will be noon to midnight so, not only will I miss rush hour both ways, I can also maybe go in about 30 minutes early to eat my lunch (or breakfast) before I start for the day. The problem with eating breakfast at home is after a 90-minute commute and then running a treatment, I may not get to eat for 6 or 7 hours, and I just can't go that long without eating.
Once all that is over and I'm home, there is peace and serenity. J and I bob around in our lovely swimming pool, talking and joking, looking at each other with starry-eyed love, and talk about the future. Then we retire to our rain shower with tumbled marble tile and wash each other's backs, then snuggle on the couch, maybe have dinner or a snack, and feel so cozy and content. This is the life we dreamed of and it's here. We are both very aware of how far we have come as a couple, all the hard work and tension that we put into this house and into this relationship, so we appreciate it. We drink in the moments knowing that what we have is beautiful and rare. We don't want to miss a moment of it.
This is why I killed myself in nursing school. This is why I broke my brain learning dosage calculations. This is why we fight and cry and break up and cry and make up again. This. This life. This is what we fought for.