PRINCETON PLAINSBORO THEATRE 3000 - Season 3 Ep 11: Divide By Zero (Chapter 1)
Here's episode 11, with new friends, a mystery and a zero of a fic! There are spoilers for the recent House suicide and for SPN's fourth season (mainly, though, if you know who Castiel is, you're good).
Princeton Plainsboro Theatre 3000
Sung by: House and The Ducklings
Written by: Marco and The Marcos
In a not too distant future
Next Tuesday more or less
There was the acerbic Dr. House
who of rules couldn't care less
He worked at Princeton Hospital,
No white coat for him as usual
He worked on cases which were really weird
And when he noticed bad!fic his evil side was thrilled...
'I'll read my colleagues cheesy bad!fic,
The worse I can find,
They'll have to sit and read them all
and I'll monitor their minds (if they have any).'
Now keep in mind House can control
when the bad!fic begins or ends
But don't you dare think that he'd ever spare
his dear colleagues and friends
Princeton role call:
Cuddy (I guess I'm close to get that baby...)
Foreman (I'm a fellow... except not.)
Chase (Right here, Mate!)
Cameron (Am I still in the show?)
WIIIIIILSON! (Here's for an angsty Season 5!)
If you wonder how they eat and breathe
and other science facts
Now keep in mind "It's a hospital,
I should really just relax,
House: Did I mention Tritter's here?
Tritter: Isn't there something deeply wrong here?
For Princeton Plainsboro Theatre 3000!!!"
House and the gang are eating chocolate eggs, playing with what they found in
them and/or working... trying to erase all the memories of Kutner's suicide.
Suddenly, a small guy in a trenchcoat and business suit and a casually
stylishly dressed, rough looking guy appear in the room.
Castiel: I *knew* we should've turned left at Albuquerque!
Dean: Wow. A Looney Toons reference! Cas, you're set on the path to
awesomeness.
Cas: Anyway... I feel like God wanted us to be here, but why?
At the same moment, Blair and Dan arrive with a new bad!fic...
Blair: Since I'm suffering an identity crisis, I'll be frank: someone left
this on your desk and there's a note which says 'Read me!'
House: We will!
Bad!Fic Sign flashes, and everybody screams
All: AAAAAHHHH.... WE'VE GOT BAD!FIC SIGN!!!!
[Doors 1-6, they go into the theater]
Divide By Zero
House: And you get... zero!
Category: Drama/Angst/Romance
Mark: Comedy/War/Horror/Erotic/Thriller/Romance.
Pairing: Hameron. House/Cameron.
All: Sign 1 of the apocalypse!
Established casual relationship
Mark: House's Anatomy, hello!
Summary: When Cameron has a problem with one of the male doctors
Chase: Knowing her, the problem could be a B-A-B-Y.
House realizes his feelings for her may run deeper than initially thought.
Wilson: From annoyance to hathred?
Warnings: Some violence
Cuddy: On the side.
Disclaimer: Own nadda, nothing, zip and zilch.
Foreman: Nada. With ONE D.
If I did I wouldn't have to resort to writing fanfics to vent my
Dean: Total lack of imagination.
Castiel: And use of Lifetime Network-level plots.
shippyness…
Dan: Your shipment of FAIL has arrived.
Author's Notes: Nothing overly important this time peoples :P
All: PeopleS?
Umm... it's a little different to my last…
Mark: Nazi Concentration Camp?
bit longer, hopefully bit more action.
Bree: Me hate you long time.
Let me
Dean: *sings* Eeeentertain youuuuu!
know what you think :D
Cuddy: You really don't want to know!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
Sawyer: Separator by Frederick's of Princeton Plainsboro, now with extra
dashes!
The soft hum of the centrifuge grated against Allison's nerves as it spun
round, mocking her with every rotation.
Dean, Sawyer, Mark, Cuddy, Blair, Dan & House: *turn to Cameron* Neener,
neener!
Castiel: It kept telling her she was thin as a rail.
She didn't have time to be running these sorts of tests.
Mark: And there are lab techs that do them!
Due to the unfortunate nature of the weather lately, everyone was run of
their feet
All: HUH?
and with an emergency room full of patients she barely had time to breathe
let a lone pick up another departments work load
Cuddy: Damn straight!
but her conscious
Foreman: -Ness.
was driving her to find the answers no one else had time to look for.
Chase: That, and the fact that she had won the 'cheap, badly written slasher
Final Girl' pageant four years in a row!
This case; thirty year old women, mother of two, loving wife…
Mark: And most important of all, those women must never, ever meet!
she didn't have time to be filtered down the system, she needed a diagnosis
now.
Cameron: *Fic!Self* Magic 8 Ball, give me an answer!
Rolling her eyes, Allison tapped her fingernails against the bench in a
futile attempt to speed up the procedure.
Wilson: And suddenly, it's 'Friday Night Lights'.
The echo of rain bouncing faintly above her was a constant reminder that more
people were coming in, that one women didn't deserve this kind of treatment
but at the same time she felt her actions were justified.
Foreman: One womEn???
House would disagree of course, berating her for getting too emotionally
involved and no doubt if Cuddy got wind of what she was doing, the dean of
medicine would also have something to say...
Cuddy: You're a moron.
An involuntary sigh escaped her lips as she once again glanced impatiently at
her watch. Only a few more minutes then she would be in the clear…
Chase: *Announcer* Cameron's clear of her opponents and now there's nothing
but daylight!
'Doctor Cameron.'
Her body clenched as a cool voice filled the room behind her.
Dean: And it said 'Get the FUCK out of the refrigerator, ya idjit!'
Though it didn't belong to either of her superiors, the owner definitely
wasn't a man
Dan: It was a woman!
she enjoyed being in the presence of.
Blair: Georgina, is that you?
'Doctor Mason, something I can help you with?'
Jack: Please, call me Perry.
She turned slowly, forcing herself to make eye contact with the doctor.
Castiel: Who?
Dean: Exactly!
He was an attractive man by most standards; tall, strong build, dark hair…
but his personality left something to be desired for.
Mark: This role played by: Gaston.
When she'd first started working in diagnostics he'd asked her out and
despite declining politely he hadn't taken the rejection well.
Derek: So, he didn't take his *own* rejection well?
Things had only escalated further when she discovered he'd been up for the
position she'd taken in the ER.
Foreman: By sleeping with the boss.
Cuddy: Not me, obviously.
'Shouldn't you be in emergency?'
Sawyer: As a patient?
His gaze burned into her accusingly and she tried not to shiver at the
intensity.
Cuddy: It was so hot!
Something about the way he was staring unsettled her and she felt a wave of
All: *disgusted*
House: CAMERON! I didn't know you had THAT kind of problems!
relief flow through her as the centrifuge suddenly beeped, signaling it was
finished.
Foreman: With her.
'I'm just on my...' She let out a gasp as he grabbed her wrist forcefully,
preventing her from reaching the machine.
Chase: For depressing bondage sex call 1-900-CENTRIFUGE.
For a moment she was too shocked to respond but eventually her senses kicked
in and she narrowed her eyes, drawing her lips into a tight thin line.
Wilson: *sarcastic* Wonder Woman would be SO proud.
'Let go of me.'
A smirk split across his face but he didn't release his hold,
Brennan: Until sweeps.
'Why don't you head down there now, I'll take care of these.'
Tritter: Did I miss something or is he talking about her arms?
The fist word on her lips was no but a wave of
All: NOT AGAIN!
fear kept them at bay. She didn't know this man, what he was capable of…
Chase: Oh, he has a God given talent... for making tuna casserole!
but then again if she left there was no way she'd ever
Cuddy: Be able to fix him.
see those results again.
Jack B: Tomight on FOX, the romantic story of a doctor and her text results.
Despite being determined not to back down, her resolve weakened slightly as
the pressure increased on her arm. 'You're hurting me.'
Cuddy: DO SOMETHING! GAH!
The smirk quickly transformed into a smug grin and she considered calling for
help when he let go suddenly, 'Fine. I was just trying to offer my
assistance. I know how busy it is down there at the moment.'
House: Bo-RING.
Anger flared inside her at his patronizing tone but she forced it down,
scowling at him. 'I can handle it, thanks.'
Cuddy: Yeah, right.
'Suit yourself…' He backed away from her casually sliding his hands into his
pockets, 'Good day doctor.'
Wilson: Rainy day man.
The breath she'd been holding escaped as he sauntered from the room and she
sagged against the bench holding her wrist lightly.
Foreman: 'Sauntered'?
It wasn't broken, he was far too careful for that but the throbbing suggested
it would definitely leave a nasty bruise.
Brennan: Clichè abuse situation, hello!
Wincing against the pain, she turned back to the centrifuge. That bastard was
going to have one hell of a harassment case pinned against him when she was
finished; did he really think she wouldn't go straight to Cuddy, telling her
what…
Wilson: Abuse leading to romance; a recipe for disaster.
And then it dawned on her.
Chase: She was in a David Lynch movie!
She couldn't report the incident because she wasn't meant to be up here
running tests in the first place.
Chase: Wah. Wah. Wah.
That smug, self righteous, arrogant, asshole had played her.
Biting back another wave of anger she unclasped the metal casing on the
counter with her uninjured hand. Whatever his problem was she still had a job
to do and there was no way she was going to let the doctor who obviously had
some serious personal hang ups, get to her.
Mark: Come ON, it's CaMoron we're talking about, of course she will.
[Doors 1-6]
House: So, mystical apparition guys, what are you two and where do you come
from?
Dean: Since you've all seen us appear here... *points at himself* Hunter of
Things That Go Bump In The Dark, *points at Castiel* Angel Of The Lord in
some hot dude's body. We're working to avoid the Rising of Lucifer.
Castiel: And since there is a Seal in this hospital, we'll be here for a
while.
Dean: And my brother, also a Hunter, will join us soon, along with his devil
of a girlfriend...
Others: *confuzzled*
House: Ooook... *pages Psych*
Castiel: *uses Angel Mojo and has House paging Wilson* There.
Others: *awed*
Dean: *smirks* *puts arm around Castiel* Now, if you let us try and save the
world...
House sighs and pushes the button.
TO BE CONTINUED...
PRINCETON PLAINSBORO THEATRE 3000
DIVIDE BY ZERO (CHAPTER 1)
VERY!BAD!FIC BY Follow-ur-Shadow
MST BY TheWaughnMan
KEEP CIRCULATING THE FICS
-_^
Stinger: When she'd first started working in diagnostics he'd asked her out
and despite declining politely he hadn't taken the rejection well.
A Servolicious Production.
[ Our doctor today is |
quixotic ]
Princeton Plainsboro Theatre 3000
Sung by: House and The Ducklings
Written by: Marco and The Marcos
In a not too distant future
Next Tuesday more or less
There was the acerbic Dr. House
who of rules couldn't care less
He worked at Princeton Hospital,
No white coat for him as usual
He worked on cases which were really weird
And when he noticed bad!fic his evil side was thrilled...
'I'll read my colleagues cheesy bad!fic,
The worse I can find,
They'll have to sit and read them all
and I'll monitor their minds (if they have any).'
Now keep in mind House can control
when the bad!fic begins or ends
But don't you dare think that he'd ever spare
his dear colleagues and friends
Princeton role call:
Cuddy (I guess I'm close to get that baby...)
Foreman (I'm a fellow... except not.)
Chase (Right here, Mate!)
Cameron (Am I still in the show?)
WIIIIIILSON! (Here's for an angsty Season 5!)
If you wonder how they eat and breathe
and other science facts
Now keep in mind "It's a hospital,
I should really just relax,
House: Did I mention Tritter's here?
Tritter: Isn't there something deeply wrong here?
For Princeton Plainsboro Theatre 3000!!!"
House and the gang are eating chocolate eggs, playing with what they found in
them and/or working... trying to erase all the memories of Kutner's suicide.
Suddenly, a small guy in a trenchcoat and business suit and a casually
stylishly dressed, rough looking guy appear in the room.
Castiel: I *knew* we should've turned left at Albuquerque!
Dean: Wow. A Looney Toons reference! Cas, you're set on the path to
awesomeness.
Cas: Anyway... I feel like God wanted us to be here, but why?
At the same moment, Blair and Dan arrive with a new bad!fic...
Blair: Since I'm suffering an identity crisis, I'll be frank: someone left
this on your desk and there's a note which says 'Read me!'
House: We will!
Bad!Fic Sign flashes, and everybody screams
All: AAAAAHHHH.... WE'VE GOT BAD!FIC SIGN!!!!
[Doors 1-6, they go into the theater]
Divide By Zero
House: And you get... zero!
Category: Drama/Angst/Romance
Mark: Comedy/War/Horror/Erotic/Thriller/Romance.
Pairing: Hameron. House/Cameron.
All: Sign 1 of the apocalypse!
Established casual relationship
Mark: House's Anatomy, hello!
Summary: When Cameron has a problem with one of the male doctors
Chase: Knowing her, the problem could be a B-A-B-Y.
House realizes his feelings for her may run deeper than initially thought.
Wilson: From annoyance to hathred?
Warnings: Some violence
Cuddy: On the side.
Disclaimer: Own nadda, nothing, zip and zilch.
Foreman: Nada. With ONE D.
If I did I wouldn't have to resort to writing fanfics to vent my
Dean: Total lack of imagination.
Castiel: And use of Lifetime Network-level plots.
shippyness…
Dan: Your shipment of FAIL has arrived.
Author's Notes: Nothing overly important this time peoples :P
All: PeopleS?
Umm... it's a little different to my last…
Mark: Nazi Concentration Camp?
bit longer, hopefully bit more action.
Bree: Me hate you long time.
Let me
Dean: *sings* Eeeentertain youuuuu!
know what you think :D
Cuddy: You really don't want to know!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
Sawyer: Separator by Frederick's of Princeton Plainsboro, now with extra
dashes!
The soft hum of the centrifuge grated against Allison's nerves as it spun
round, mocking her with every rotation.
Dean, Sawyer, Mark, Cuddy, Blair, Dan & House: *turn to Cameron* Neener,
neener!
Castiel: It kept telling her she was thin as a rail.
She didn't have time to be running these sorts of tests.
Mark: And there are lab techs that do them!
Due to the unfortunate nature of the weather lately, everyone was run of
their feet
All: HUH?
and with an emergency room full of patients she barely had time to breathe
let a lone pick up another departments work load
Cuddy: Damn straight!
but her conscious
Foreman: -Ness.
was driving her to find the answers no one else had time to look for.
Chase: That, and the fact that she had won the 'cheap, badly written slasher
Final Girl' pageant four years in a row!
This case; thirty year old women, mother of two, loving wife…
Mark: And most important of all, those women must never, ever meet!
she didn't have time to be filtered down the system, she needed a diagnosis
now.
Cameron: *Fic!Self* Magic 8 Ball, give me an answer!
Rolling her eyes, Allison tapped her fingernails against the bench in a
futile attempt to speed up the procedure.
Wilson: And suddenly, it's 'Friday Night Lights'.
The echo of rain bouncing faintly above her was a constant reminder that more
people were coming in, that one women didn't deserve this kind of treatment
but at the same time she felt her actions were justified.
Foreman: One womEn???
House would disagree of course, berating her for getting too emotionally
involved and no doubt if Cuddy got wind of what she was doing, the dean of
medicine would also have something to say...
Cuddy: You're a moron.
An involuntary sigh escaped her lips as she once again glanced impatiently at
her watch. Only a few more minutes then she would be in the clear…
Chase: *Announcer* Cameron's clear of her opponents and now there's nothing
but daylight!
'Doctor Cameron.'
Her body clenched as a cool voice filled the room behind her.
Dean: And it said 'Get the FUCK out of the refrigerator, ya idjit!'
Though it didn't belong to either of her superiors, the owner definitely
wasn't a man
Dan: It was a woman!
she enjoyed being in the presence of.
Blair: Georgina, is that you?
'Doctor Mason, something I can help you with?'
Jack: Please, call me Perry.
She turned slowly, forcing herself to make eye contact with the doctor.
Castiel: Who?
Dean: Exactly!
He was an attractive man by most standards; tall, strong build, dark hair…
but his personality left something to be desired for.
Mark: This role played by: Gaston.
When she'd first started working in diagnostics he'd asked her out and
despite declining politely he hadn't taken the rejection well.
Derek: So, he didn't take his *own* rejection well?
Things had only escalated further when she discovered he'd been up for the
position she'd taken in the ER.
Foreman: By sleeping with the boss.
Cuddy: Not me, obviously.
'Shouldn't you be in emergency?'
Sawyer: As a patient?
His gaze burned into her accusingly and she tried not to shiver at the
intensity.
Cuddy: It was so hot!
Something about the way he was staring unsettled her and she felt a wave of
All: *disgusted*
House: CAMERON! I didn't know you had THAT kind of problems!
relief flow through her as the centrifuge suddenly beeped, signaling it was
finished.
Foreman: With her.
'I'm just on my...' She let out a gasp as he grabbed her wrist forcefully,
preventing her from reaching the machine.
Chase: For depressing bondage sex call 1-900-CENTRIFUGE.
For a moment she was too shocked to respond but eventually her senses kicked
in and she narrowed her eyes, drawing her lips into a tight thin line.
Wilson: *sarcastic* Wonder Woman would be SO proud.
'Let go of me.'
A smirk split across his face but he didn't release his hold,
Brennan: Until sweeps.
'Why don't you head down there now, I'll take care of these.'
Tritter: Did I miss something or is he talking about her arms?
The fist word on her lips was no but a wave of
All: NOT AGAIN!
fear kept them at bay. She didn't know this man, what he was capable of…
Chase: Oh, he has a God given talent... for making tuna casserole!
but then again if she left there was no way she'd ever
Cuddy: Be able to fix him.
see those results again.
Jack B: Tomight on FOX, the romantic story of a doctor and her text results.
Despite being determined not to back down, her resolve weakened slightly as
the pressure increased on her arm. 'You're hurting me.'
Cuddy: DO SOMETHING! GAH!
The smirk quickly transformed into a smug grin and she considered calling for
help when he let go suddenly, 'Fine. I was just trying to offer my
assistance. I know how busy it is down there at the moment.'
House: Bo-RING.
Anger flared inside her at his patronizing tone but she forced it down,
scowling at him. 'I can handle it, thanks.'
Cuddy: Yeah, right.
'Suit yourself…' He backed away from her casually sliding his hands into his
pockets, 'Good day doctor.'
Wilson: Rainy day man.
The breath she'd been holding escaped as he sauntered from the room and she
sagged against the bench holding her wrist lightly.
Foreman: 'Sauntered'?
It wasn't broken, he was far too careful for that but the throbbing suggested
it would definitely leave a nasty bruise.
Brennan: Clichè abuse situation, hello!
Wincing against the pain, she turned back to the centrifuge. That bastard was
going to have one hell of a harassment case pinned against him when she was
finished; did he really think she wouldn't go straight to Cuddy, telling her
what…
Wilson: Abuse leading to romance; a recipe for disaster.
And then it dawned on her.
Chase: She was in a David Lynch movie!
She couldn't report the incident because she wasn't meant to be up here
running tests in the first place.
Chase: Wah. Wah. Wah.
That smug, self righteous, arrogant, asshole had played her.
Biting back another wave of anger she unclasped the metal casing on the
counter with her uninjured hand. Whatever his problem was she still had a job
to do and there was no way she was going to let the doctor who obviously had
some serious personal hang ups, get to her.
Mark: Come ON, it's CaMoron we're talking about, of course she will.
[Doors 1-6]
House: So, mystical apparition guys, what are you two and where do you come
from?
Dean: Since you've all seen us appear here... *points at himself* Hunter of
Things That Go Bump In The Dark, *points at Castiel* Angel Of The Lord in
some hot dude's body. We're working to avoid the Rising of Lucifer.
Castiel: And since there is a Seal in this hospital, we'll be here for a
while.
Dean: And my brother, also a Hunter, will join us soon, along with his devil
of a girlfriend...
Others: *confuzzled*
House: Ooook... *pages Psych*
Castiel: *uses Angel Mojo and has House paging Wilson* There.
Others: *awed*
Dean: *smirks* *puts arm around Castiel* Now, if you let us try and save the
world...
House sighs and pushes the button.
TO BE CONTINUED...
PRINCETON PLAINSBORO THEATRE 3000
DIVIDE BY ZERO (CHAPTER 1)
VERY!BAD!FIC BY Follow-ur-Shadow
MST BY TheWaughnMan
KEEP CIRCULATING THE FICS
-_^
Stinger: When she'd first started working in diagnostics he'd asked her out
and despite declining politely he hadn't taken the rejection well.
A Servolicious Production.
[ Our doctor today is |
quixotic ]