things are getting weirder at the speed of light
Despite appearances, 2007 was a good year. Mandatory Year in Review post missing partly because I've been busy, but largely because I didn't really see the point - felt like 2007 ended a long time ago and New Year's Day was just a formality. It's a new world order!!! etc
So I guess this post is really just for me.
I was going to do that meme but there are too many questions I can't answer, either because ... not nice to say lah ... or because I just don't know the answers. An apt end to 2007, a year of secrets and ... not knowing what the fuck was going on. Symptom of growing up? I hope so.
But there must be some way to talk about 2007, which was really an intense mad-bad-sad-glad kind of year. I spent so much of the the year running on a lot of hope and not a lot of sleep. And I was really running! While 2006 was a year of blank time - in the best possible way, what is youth without wide open spaces - there was no blank time in 2007. If I was waiting I knew what I was waiting for, if I was sleeping it was because there were things to do when I woke up, and if I was quiet it was because I was listening out for something - or I was thinking about what to do next. Some year! That's what I get for wanting to know what I want.
And I do know what I want, which is new. And I did what I wanted - or more accurately, I didn't do what I didn't want (mostly) - which is good, but not quite the same thing. Oh well!
My new year's resolutions make me obscurely sad to look at them, but I kept all of them except one. I guess that's why they make me sad. We make resolutions - or I do anyway - because we think we can fix everything that's wrong with our lives and our ridiculous selves by like ... identifying a few key variables. Wrong!!! But I guess any attempt to be happier and less of a jerkface, however misguided or inadequate, is something to celebrate. Uh, in future I resolve not to belittle past resolutions!
And in retrospect these were good ones that I would keep in 2008. Because perfection is too much to ask of anything (generally) (I say, qualifying with great optimism) - especially if one is expecting perfection from one's A level year! So ... hello 2008. For the first time I really don't know, and don't dare expect, anything from the year ahead. School's got at least one thing going for it, and that's the illusion of predictability - at least you know roughly where you'll be, five-sevenths of the time, and whom you'll be around. This year? I could be anywhere, do anything (or anyone, ha ha) - at least theoretically. So wow, er resolutions.
Let's go with last year's: The few resolutions I made did me little good. Life is unexpected! Next year I resolve to never do things by halves, to really, actually give a fuck about things (the right things), to be true of heart. To trust in an order for good when there is nothing else I can do. To juuuust zham, the only thing, this year, that I see really did me any good! The few times I actually got down to it. Like leaping off the edge, living without thinking (or living instead of thinking) It has something to do with daring, but also to do with courage, and clarity, and not doing things by halves, and not overthinking, and trusting that things will be for the best. JUST ZHAM. So I guess ... BE BRAVE, BE KIND, BE TRUE OF HEART, AND ... STOP MESSING AROUND!!! See how this goes, 2008.
I still want the same things, I guess. Peace of mind. To know I'm doing the right thing, the only thing. A sense of purpose, and faith in that purpose. For all calamity to be to a purpose, a good purpose, that will unfold itself in time. For the eucatastrophe. And I want answers, I want certainty, I want an end to secrets. I want to know everything, and if it came to a choice I'd choose this over peace of mind. Yeah, and ... that explains most of the trouble I've been in, ever. ANYWAY
I am always afraid to wish for specifics, leading me to articulate ridiculously vague resolutions and ambitions that then come true however they wish. This year is no exception - though I guess most of what I wish for should be obvious. Here is what I really want, though, 2008: I want to live and not have to settle. I guess that's what everyone wants - never to have to make the best of things, never to have to tell myself I'm happy when I'm not. So, I guess, a combination of getting what you want, and ... not lying to yourself when you don't. PREFERABLY MORE OF THE FORMER. Come on, new year!
----------
So on the whole I'm okay with 2007. By turns stupid and magical, it was pretty much all anyone can reasonably ask of life. Some notably bad shit went down, a lot of it avoidable. But a lot of good things happened. And one day I will be ready to talk about both.
I've been so happy this last year! I guess that's the only reason I'm making this post at all. I know it'll be easy to remember the bad times - when I was so tired or scared or ill I thought I'd die. But there has always been something to hope for. And everyone has always been so kind - I'm so grateful for all of it. So I guess the lessons of 2007 have been ... be of good courage, despair is the only unpardonable sin, we are the authors of our own lives, etc ... keep on keepin' on. And all that cal.
So I guess this post is really just for me.
I was going to do that meme but there are too many questions I can't answer, either because ... not nice to say lah ... or because I just don't know the answers. An apt end to 2007, a year of secrets and ... not knowing what the fuck was going on. Symptom of growing up? I hope so.
But there must be some way to talk about 2007, which was really an intense mad-bad-sad-glad kind of year. I spent so much of the the year running on a lot of hope and not a lot of sleep. And I was really running! While 2006 was a year of blank time - in the best possible way, what is youth without wide open spaces - there was no blank time in 2007. If I was waiting I knew what I was waiting for, if I was sleeping it was because there were things to do when I woke up, and if I was quiet it was because I was listening out for something - or I was thinking about what to do next. Some year! That's what I get for wanting to know what I want.
And I do know what I want, which is new. And I did what I wanted - or more accurately, I didn't do what I didn't want (mostly) - which is good, but not quite the same thing. Oh well!
My new year's resolutions make me obscurely sad to look at them, but I kept all of them except one. I guess that's why they make me sad. We make resolutions - or I do anyway - because we think we can fix everything that's wrong with our lives and our ridiculous selves by like ... identifying a few key variables. Wrong!!! But I guess any attempt to be happier and less of a jerkface, however misguided or inadequate, is something to celebrate. Uh, in future I resolve not to belittle past resolutions!
And in retrospect these were good ones that I would keep in 2008. Because perfection is too much to ask of anything (generally) (I say, qualifying with great optimism) - especially if one is expecting perfection from one's A level year! So ... hello 2008. For the first time I really don't know, and don't dare expect, anything from the year ahead. School's got at least one thing going for it, and that's the illusion of predictability - at least you know roughly where you'll be, five-sevenths of the time, and whom you'll be around. This year? I could be anywhere, do anything (or anyone, ha ha) - at least theoretically. So wow, er resolutions.
Let's go with last year's: The few resolutions I made did me little good. Life is unexpected! Next year I resolve to never do things by halves, to really, actually give a fuck about things (the right things), to be true of heart. To trust in an order for good when there is nothing else I can do. To juuuust zham, the only thing, this year, that I see really did me any good! The few times I actually got down to it. Like leaping off the edge, living without thinking (or living instead of thinking) It has something to do with daring, but also to do with courage, and clarity, and not doing things by halves, and not overthinking, and trusting that things will be for the best. JUST ZHAM. So I guess ... BE BRAVE, BE KIND, BE TRUE OF HEART, AND ... STOP MESSING AROUND!!! See how this goes, 2008.
I still want the same things, I guess. Peace of mind. To know I'm doing the right thing, the only thing. A sense of purpose, and faith in that purpose. For all calamity to be to a purpose, a good purpose, that will unfold itself in time. For the eucatastrophe. And I want answers, I want certainty, I want an end to secrets. I want to know everything, and if it came to a choice I'd choose this over peace of mind. Yeah, and ... that explains most of the trouble I've been in, ever. ANYWAY
I am always afraid to wish for specifics, leading me to articulate ridiculously vague resolutions and ambitions that then come true however they wish. This year is no exception - though I guess most of what I wish for should be obvious. Here is what I really want, though, 2008: I want to live and not have to settle. I guess that's what everyone wants - never to have to make the best of things, never to have to tell myself I'm happy when I'm not. So, I guess, a combination of getting what you want, and ... not lying to yourself when you don't. PREFERABLY MORE OF THE FORMER. Come on, new year!
----------
So on the whole I'm okay with 2007. By turns stupid and magical, it was pretty much all anyone can reasonably ask of life. Some notably bad shit went down, a lot of it avoidable. But a lot of good things happened. And one day I will be ready to talk about both.
I've been so happy this last year! I guess that's the only reason I'm making this post at all. I know it'll be easy to remember the bad times - when I was so tired or scared or ill I thought I'd die. But there has always been something to hope for. And everyone has always been so kind - I'm so grateful for all of it. So I guess the lessons of 2007 have been ... be of good courage, despair is the only unpardonable sin, we are the authors of our own lives, etc ... keep on keepin' on. And all that cal.