Hence the obsession with fantasy
I’m pretty obviously hurting right now.
I just need a little patience and maybe a shoulder to cry on. The amount of unhealthy habits that were barely sustaining me mentally were finally catching up to me physically. Stomach pains and vomiting were an everyday occurrence, my guess is from malnutrition and excessive drinking to numb that feeling. Two weeks ago I forced myself to start to go to yoga and fix my sleeping schedule, as well as monitoring my food and alcohol intake. There were immediate changes in my physical symptoms, I didn’t feel sick every morning and I have noticeably more energy and motivation for life in general. I have been so grateful for those changes; however, the numbness I felt towards my own emotions is now gone and I am operating at 200% sensitivity. Even when sober I am hypersensitive to any situation which I might feel any empathy towards, when I do drink I think it’s worse, though I haven’t been drinking nearly as much or as frequently as I used to. The prospect of being drunk is somehow not appealing anymore.
Somehow, this is all affecting my marriage negatively. I’m not sure why my husband is so unhappy that I’m taking strides to better my own health, but here are my suspicions:
1. The focus that I am now giving myself makes him feel like I am focusing less on him. I don’t think this is true considering I don’t require a lot of maintenance and the time I am taking for myself he is usually absent or sleeping. But that leads to the next possible issue...
2. My sleeping schedule has changed, and I no longer stay up late with him watching television until 7am. Because I’m more active it’s easier for me to fall asleep, he possibly feels abandoned.
3. My newfound super sensitivity has led me to interject myself into others’ problems. I am a good problem solver and if I can help, I want to. Again, this takes my attention away from my husband.
4. He sees the progress I have made, but doesn’t have the motivation to change himself and is afraid I will leave him behind.
I feel sad that I am not free to just be sad in my own home, in my own relationship. Seemingly, my sadness is making me unbearable. Or, I’ve always been unbearable and I’m finally sober enough long enough to realize it.
I’ve been spending the last two weeks trying to figure out how to live with myself, and I feel like I’m on a good path. This is a total derailment. I suppose I am aware of the possible problems with my actions, and I will work to meet Tyson’s needs the best that I can while still trying to feel good myself. I hope that he will soon realize this is not an assault against him, but just a small opportunity to better myself.