Comments | thewindforest: Brigit's Flame March Entry #1: Elohara's Light

thewindforest

Brigit's Flame March Entry #1: Elohara's Light

Mar 06, 2010 23:06

Brigits Flame March 2010 Entry #1

Prompt: Luminary

Genre: Fantasy

Word Count: 869

Teaser: A young girl awakens on the verge of death, in a world that is not her own.

( Some things are worth living for . . . )

Comments 9

more_dragoncelt March 8 2010, 23:25:20 UTC

I found that the ending needs to be tightened up a little. I'm still wondering what it is she's tapped into and what she actually can do now. But the general emotion of the piece is touching.

Good luck! :)

thewindforest March 9 2010, 18:55:10 UTC

Thank you for your insights! I always find it difficult to write about human interaction with the divine, even in a straight up fantasy context, without descending into vagaries. I'm glad you enjoy the emotional elements, and am thinking about venturing in that direction, the idea that gods speak in emotions and memories.

more_dragoncelt March 9 2010, 23:30:54 UTC

That would definitely be a fun idea to explore! :D

vyvyan_wilde March 10 2010, 04:41:50 UTC

When a story begins with a character waking from unconsciousness, it usually describes them opening their eyes outright. It's a small thing, but I like that yours began with her waking, but not quite opening her eyes fully. It was refreshing in a way.

'“I-” she tried to form words, but they remained locked in her head.'
I like this line a lot. I can really feel her sense of entrapment as she tries to express herself.

Good work and good luck this week!

thewindforest March 13 2010, 23:30:33 UTC

I'm very glad that you enjoyed the treatment of Lizzie's return to consciousness! I tried to keep it very basic, focus on the things a person might realistically think about in a such a situation. I'm also glad that you could feel the sense of entrapment her condition has created. That was definitely one of my main goals for the beginning of the piece, so I'm very happy that came across!

Thank you for your insights!

osoreranai March 10 2010, 06:49:41 UTC

All these exotic smells and Lizzie defaults back to what she knows. That was handled well.

thewindforest March 13 2010, 23:38:50 UTC

I'm glad you liked it! This particular piece is from a longer "Wardrobe" or "Rabbit Hole" fic, so I wanted to handle Lizzie's character in a manner similar to Fuyumi Ono's Yoko in her Twelve Kingdoms novels. Both are young adults who, even on finding they have been dropped in a completely different world, tend to fall back on the familiar in the beginning.

walkertxkitty March 16 2010, 21:04:18 UTC

This was a good read. I don't find the teaser at the beginning necessary, though. It would have been better to allow the readers to discover and make conclusions instead of telling them what was happening. I do hope you'll develop this more fully, it has potential. The ending has a lack of clarity and seems to crumble but I think that may have been the intended effect. It works for this piece.

thewindforest March 16 2010, 23:12:57 UTC

I'm glad that you enjoyed this selection :D

Thank you for your insights about the teaser. I normally put it up when I'm in the BF contest and there is a large amount of entries, so people will get a quick taste of the content and be able to decide if they want to read it or skip it. I didn't think about the effect it might have on the reading of the piece; but now that you mention it, I see what you mean. I think I will only put it on the poll link from now on, instead of in the body of the work.

This is, indeed, part of a larger piece I am working on, and I am happy you felt the nebulous nature of the ending worked. This was very much a stream of consciousness snippet, involving a certain amount interaction between a human being and the divine, as well as impairing physical conditions on the part of the POV character. As a result, I wanted to have a vague and somewhat disjointed nature weaving through the piece.