(no subject)
Um. Gotta collect my thoughts. Here we go.
I'm breaking out like crazy ALL OVER my body. Its really gross. Thankfully we're entering fall so hopefully I can cover my body up like I like to. Fall fashion is awesome. Mmm layering. And like, it fucking HURTS. I know this is totally gross but I need to rant about it. Maybe I should try a different body wash, something with acne treatment. I could have bought some the other day at Harmon but I had already spent 50 bucks [I'm kinda in love with that place] so yeahh.
For once I'm gonna be smart and just forget about my feelings for Taylor. I know he likes me a lot but if the only way he can show affection is by mocking me over EVERY LITTLE THING, then this is just not gonna work. He's so sarcastic to the point of being nasty. The other night at his house I was seriously gonna just get up and leave, even though my cerfew was till 12. I normally stay out as late as I possibly can cause I don't wanna come home, yet that night I was just getting so ticked off. He's not sensitive to my feelings, he isn't romantic towards me, he wouldn't even put his fucking arm around me when we were watching a movie. I'm not saying he needs to jump on me and get all in my grill cause that's not cool either but he could at least be a little sweet. Its strange. Before I left for Canada he was VERY sweet and attatched and compassionate. Now its like, I'm just there and if he doesn't wanna be affectionate then he won't do it. He was also being kinda self-centered which is okie at times but I can't picture him being like that, which only tells me that he's insecure. I mean, Mike was and is a bit self-centered but I could tolerate that from him cause it went with the whole football persona. So what if its stereotypical, it was the truth so I didn't fight it. Taylor is like, an in-denial emo kid who can't take things seriously. And if he does, he doesn't show it, and he's not serious with me. Plus his best friend is a girl which is a total red flag. I'm still physically attracted to him but the most I would do with him now is just make out or something and he's very touchy about that cause he doesn't wanna be used. I don't think just hooking up is using a person. Anything more, perhaps. Then again, I'm also still attracted to Hallenbeck of all people yet he's the world's biggest asshole so it can't be helped. But as Minski said last night, I wanna *Jedi Fuck* Hallenbeck. I don't know what that is but I guess its true. I'd go Obi-Wan on his cute ass. Anyway.
Speaking of Minski, he basically confessed to me last night that he really really likes me as more than a friend and I'm not sure what to make of that. He's definitely over his whore-ish ways...at least a little bit and its sweet that he's so comfortable talking with me but I really can't see myself with him. We've always had the occasional lust hookup that would last like ten minutes but I really cherish my friendship with him more than anything else. And I'm not that physically attracted to him; he just has a really fun personality. Like, I know I'll have fun when I'm with him. I've known for a while that he really liked me cause he told me and all that, and I really am flattered. But he's Minski, his own species, and I can't dig it completely. Maybe we'll get married someday in like 15 years when we've both been dumped a thousand times by countless people and then realize that we were made for each other and we've actually been in love since we first laid eyes on each other at band camp but we just haven't let ourselves go. Ahh childhood friends turned lovers. Okie not really at all, haha, but its funny to think about.
Ugh my family is SO WEIRD. After work I was driving around with Shawnna [okie, I'll make it clear one last time: this Shawnna works with me and goes to Hills. Its not the one everyone is probably thinking about, okie bye] and I had to stop home before we went out to eat to greet the fam and like, all my cousins come running down the lawn and attacking me [very My Big Fat Greek Wedding-esque] and Shawnna was like WHOA and yeah, I think my mom got a little tipsy cause when she saw the two of us in the backyard she started laughing. I dunno. And then when I got hom again I went downstairs so I wouldn't be criticized for being anti-social and ended up being attacked by lightsabres while hiding inside a Darth Vader helmet. I'm so cool.
So anyway, Shawnna and I went to Outback cause we're too cool for the diner. She's really a cool girl. The funny thing is, since she's in Hills, she knows all about Abby [Cupcake's gf] and her friends, his friends, etc. I've definitely been thinking about him a lot lately. When I told Shawnna about this she gave me a blank stare and was like 'but he's a psycho.' I know buuuut I still miss the gentler non-psychotic side of him. He did have a side like that I swear. Its so odd how my brain works too. Like if a guy comes into Mandee who looks even a little like him, like the same height or hair style, I just stiffen and my stomach does a little backflip. Its so odd. I don't understand why sometimes I'm still so hung up on him. Its been basically a year since everything that happened. I feel very immature when I think about it, like I should be over this and I'm stupid for dwelling on it. I just don't know. But I do know that he hasn't told anyone about what happened between him and I. Abby might know, and for her sake, I think she should know. Not like I talk to her though. She actually came into Mandee a few weeks ago and bought something. I happened to be on the reg that day and Shawnna was next to me picking up clothes and it was like Wow, how about this. I've said about a million times that I don't believe in awkward situations, but this was a close one. I was thinking 'does Abby know who I am? Does she know about what happened with me and her current bf?' Like, a thousand thoughts were going through my head I'm surprised I didn't mess up the money or something. Shawnna kinda read my mind afterward and told me not to worry about it. I'm not trying to be a drama queen because NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but I can't help but wonder. Fucking A.
OMG MINSKI TOLD ME LAST NIGHT THAT MISS K IS ENGAGED!!!! omg omg omg omg omg I LOVE MISS K!!!!!!!! XDDD;
/spastic-ness
Hmm thank GOD I don't have work tomorrow till 2pm. That's sooo nice its ridiculous.
Oh so I've determined that either this week or the week after [or maybe this weekend, depending on my work schedule] I'm getting my ass in gear and doing something about Berkeley. I hate not being in school. A lot of people told me that after taking time off I wouldn't wanna go back and I'd spend the rest of my days as a bum [which, no lie, totally scared me] but I'm not letting that happen.
Oh this is random but Peaches N Cream just came on Winamp and the skin is Rikku from X-2. Its so appropriate. This should be Rikku's badass ghetto theme. I like this skin. It LOOKS like peaches and cream. Yellows, oranges, and these really trippy swirls that link into her hair and such. Cause her hair isn't trippy enough haha.
Okiiie sleep time so I can get rid of these dark circles under my eyes. I can seriously feel them lengthening and growing darker the more I stare at this screen. Ugh.
Everyone have a nice Sunday=)